Should You Force Sports?

Q: My 8-year-old son played t-ball for three years before we switched him to coach-pitch baseball. He loved t-ball, but repeatedly asked us not to make him play coach-pitch baseball. We signed him up because we thought he might like it and that he needed the exercise, as he tends to be a homebody. He’s miserable, but the season’s not even halfway over. What should we do?

A: The short answer is let him quit. You pushed this on him, so you should let him stop. If he had begged to do it and then wanted to quit, I’d say he should finish the season. But since you insisted despite his protests—and he hates it—let him off the hook.

Now to address your concern about his exercise or lack of movement. There are easier ways to get him moving, so maybe you should leave off organized sports for a while.

Just kick him outside. If he wants to read a book on the front porch, that’s fine. I’ve found that kids will get moving if faced with the opportunity, so getting him out of the house should be step number one.

Step number two is to provide him with the tools of a good outdoor experience. A scooter, bike, outdoor playset and games should do the trick. Chalk and a bouncy ball would work, too. Doesn’t have to be elaborate as their imagination will supply the necessary fun.

You can also tell him to run around the house a few times or take a walk down the block. At 8, he’s old enough to branch out from your house on his own, provided you live in a safe neighborhood (and let’s face it, most of us do).

If you need to, set a kitchen timer for half hour or so, to encourage outdoor activity. With enough opportunity, he’ll eventually want to be outside more than inside.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

The Creativity of Boredom

With summer right around the corner, parents will soon hear cries of “I’m bored” from their children. But is being bored such a terrible thing?

Boredom is a relatively new thing, as children of previous centuries had not free time in which to be bored. In fact, if a medieval times child had displayed boredom symptoms, the person would be charged with committing “acedia, a ‘dangerous form of spiritual alienation’—a devaluing of the world and its creator.” Acedia was labeled as sin, what with all the things a family had to do for mere survival during that time period.

With the many labor-saving devices of our American households, most U.S. children have the luxury of free time, which they tend to fill with electronics. However, that constant stream of electronic stimuli has breed a new boredom epidemic, one that’s fueled by an ever-growing need of kids for constant electronic amusement, from video games to television and movies to Angry Birds to iPads and computers.

Parents are partly to blame for this new, negative form of a numbed mind because of their lack of tolerance for any whining from their children. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen toddlers in a grocery cart, their eyes fixed on the screen of their mom’s smartphone, oblivious to the world around them. At the first peep from a young child at the doctor’s office, out comes the smartphone and into the little hands goes the electronic babysitter.

Of course, we as parents are no different, are we? We numb our own minds with electronic stimuli all day long, from constant Facebook and Twitter checks, to texting while walking, driving, sitting at a traffic light, at the table, at the store, etc. It’s starting to be the exception when you see a grown-up in public who’s not tethered to a phone or tablet (that would be me!).

When our kids see us always being “entertained” and plugged in with electronic devices, it’s no wonder they beg for the same pacifier. We’ve forgotten how important the right kind of boredom can be to stimulate creativity and spurts of pure fun and genius.

There’s “an important distinction between a constructively bored mind and a negatively numbed mind. Constructively bored kids eventually turn to a book or build a fort or pull out the paints … and create or come home sweaty from a game of neighborhood basketball,” writes Richard Louv in his excellent call for kids to be outdoors, Last Child in the Woods.

This summer, I challenge you to unplug your kids for a week. No TV, no video games, no movies, no smartphones or computers or tablets. Just them and their world. Sure, the first day will be spent with them saying they have nothing to do, but if you persevere and don’t give in, soon they will find their imaginations again, and that will be a beautiful thing.

For non-electronic ideas, check out my ebook Boredom Busters. Only 99 cents on Kindle and iPad, Nook and other devices.

Until next time,

Sarah

(All quotes from Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv, pages 166 to 168.)

Partying Like a Graduate

Q: My high school senior wants to go to a party after graduation. The location will be a classmates house, but I’ve been unable to receive satisfactory answers as to whether the parents will be home. I know she wants to celebrate with her friends, but after reading so much about alcohol being at high school graduation parties, I’m a little leery. I trust my daughter, but it’s the other kids I’m worried about.

A: I have the perfect solution, one guaranteed to ease your mind. Call up the classmate’s parents and offer your services as a chaperone and nonalcoholic barkeep. They’ll probably be thrilled to have another pair of hands on deck to help with setup and monitoring the crowd.

However, if they respond with no thanks, they’ve got it covered, then tell your daughter she may attend with the caveat that you’ll be popping by during the evening. She may be on the cusp of adulthood, but you’re still the parent and you want to be available in case she gets into a situation that’s out of her control.

So ease up and let her spread her wings a bit on her own, but do drop by and check on things. And if you do find alcohol there, take your daughter, leave and phone the police. You might lose some friends over that call, but you certainly don’t want any alcohol-related car crashes on your conscience.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Talk is Cheap

If ever there was a parenting myth that has gained prominence in today’s child rearing culture, it’s the one that says you can reason your child into proper behavior. I have a hard time keeping a straight face when I hear that one.

The cold, hard reality is that you cannot talk a child into behaving properly. Period. No, ifs, ands or buts about it.

Why, you ask? Because children are not logical beings. Their brains are not wired like ours and won’t be until they reach adulthood. Therefore, kids think very differently than we do. If you ask a kid why she did something you think is rather strange, you’ll find the answer will likely be even stranger. It won’t make sense to anyone but that child (or maybe another kid).

So when I hear parents talk about reasoning with their child to elicit good behavior, my immediate reaction is: And how’s that going for you?

Most of the time, it’s not going well. The adult expresses frustration at the lack of cooperation from the child, even after the parent has explained in great detail exactly why the room needs cleaning now instead of later.

To avoid pulling out your hair, my advice is simply to stop trying. Just don’t explain, reason or try to talk your child into obedience. It won’t work because our explanations are never going satisfy them. The child is never going to say, “Well, when you put it that way, Mom, of course I understand what you’re saying and will be happy to do what you asked.”

What you can do instead is to give clear, precise instructions in an economy of words and act like you expect to be obeyed. Why torture yourself with wanting agreement when that agreement is not going to come until the child is an adult herself and has children of her own? Then—and only then—you just might get the response you’re looking for from your preteen. But until that day, you might as well save your breath for talking to your spouse.

Until next time,

Sarah

Racy Photos

Q: I recently confiscated my teenager’s phone for another infraction and discovered photographs of a graphic, sexual nature. I’m unsure whether my son sent this to someone or had the photos sent to him, or simply downloaded them from the Internet.

I’m not sure what to do. On the one hand, I respect his privacy. But on the other hand, I don’t think this is right. He’s a 15-year-old freshman, and has been struggling to fit in at school.

A: It sounds like you’d better step in sooner rather than later before your son winds up in court on pornography charges (as has been reported as happening to other teens in the news recently). This is serious stuff, and you don’t want your son to face serious consequences.

It’s time to have a frank talk with him, preferably with both parents. Don’t mince words that this is very serious, and can have far-reaching consequences. Talk about how he’s breaking the law to have such images on his phone, computer, whatever. Also stress that if he sends such images to any of his friends, he is breaking the law and could be prosecuted. Find some recent examples (you won’t have to look too far) and share those with him.

At the end of the talk, tell him that he has lost all phone privileges for at least six months, and that you’re trading in his phone for a low-end model that doesn’t allow photo-taking or sharing. You might have to do some digging, but I’m sure you can find a stripped down phone, if he must have a cell phone. I’d be inclined to nix the phone entirely.

Then remind him that you will be spot checking his computer and/or tablet usage to monitor that he’s not viewing or downloading pornography. You cannot overemphasize the seriousness of this, although you might want to break the talk down into smaller chunks to avoid his tuning you out.

You want to help your son learn how to make good choices, but ultimately, he’s the one who has to decide what those choices are. All you can do is limit his liability while he’s living under your roof and pray that what you say and do will have a positive impact on his life.

I’m including a link to an article I wrote on digital dating abuse that shows how sending sexual images can predict physical and sexual abuse. It’s important that parents realize these types of photographs are not innocent fun or boys being boys.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.