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For parents, the tricky part about trick-or-treating on
Halloween comes in deciding how much freedom your kids will enjoy that evening.
Will you send them out the door to canvass the neighborhood without you? Will
you follow along behind them, watching from the sidewalk as they ring
doorbells? Will you closely monitor their candy intake to avoid
over-consumption? Will you hand out only organic Clementines in an effort to
staunch the flow of sugar?
These are the questions that plague the modern parent—and
it’s really no wonder that Halloween brings out the angst in us. If we no
longer send out our children onto our own street—the street that we decided was
safe enough to buy a house and live on—without our direct supervision, then why
would we on Halloween? If we no longer we deem it okay to let our
upper-elementary school age children or older walk to the bus stop by
themselves in broad daylight, we certainly are not going to let them go alone
to knock on strangers’ doors at night dressed up as Peter Pan and Elsa.
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Image courtesy of maple/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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Then there is the boost Halloween receives from the media,
who ratcheted up fears in parents with tales—unfounded, unsubstantiated—of
poisoned candy handed out to random children by crazy people. (Read some of the
debunked myths on Snopes.com for just how the media loves to point the finger
at Halloween goodies.)
The common denominator in all of these is fear of harm to
our kids. That’s why this week, you’ve probably seen stories of hospitals that
will scan Halloween candy for free and tips on how to make sure your child’s
costume won’t cause injury when walking around the neighborhood. That’s also
the reason why shopping malls offer indoor “safe” trick-or-treating under the
bright lights and Christmas decorations.
What can you do to stop this fear epidemic? Take a moment to
reflect on all the things you love about your neighborhood. The person who
walks his cute little dog by your house at 7 a.m.
every day. The neighbor who tosses your newspaper on the porch when you’re
away. The children with which your kids play and go to school. This nice, safe
place you’re raising your family. There’s nothing to fear the other 364 days of
the year, so why pick on Halloween?
So get out there and get to know your neighbors a little bit
better. If your kids are old enough (and I would hazard a guess that at least
four or fifth graders and up are), then let them go trick-or-treating on their
own. If that makes you really nervous, then have a time or street limit. They
will have a blast being independent, and you can greet all the
trick-or-treaters who come by your house.
And loosen up on the candy. Hand out the good stuff and
don’t worry about childhood obesity or tooth decay. One night of
over-indulgence isn’t going to hurt anyone in the long run.
Until next time,
Sarah
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill
Press of Kansas City.
Parents often plan how many kids to have based on the number
of children they think they can handle. Sometimes, that number of influenced by
their own childhoods or by seeing how the children of relatives or friends
behave. What parents usually fail to consider is what a healthy relationship
with brothers and sisters gives a child. Hearing your children snipe at each
other, or remembering fights you had with your own siblings, might make you
forget the many blessings brothers and sisters can bring to your life and to
the lives of your children. Whether you have one brother or sister, or five,
being a sibling provides you with someone who “gets you” when the world doesn’t
and with someone to share the joys and burdens of life.
Almost from the time of our birth, we share with siblings
our most intimate thoughts, ideas, and dreams. Together, we explore,
collaborate, conspire, and protect. We goad each other to do good—and bad. We
play together, torment each other at times, counsel each other, and comfort one
another. For better or for worse, our brothers and sisters become a large part
of who we are.
Often those relationships outlast parents, spouses, and
friends. With brothers and sisters, you share a history—the good and the bad.
So far, it seems that the gist of sibling research focuses on how the children
interact with one another and with their parents. But what the studies haven’t
yet tackled in-depth is how siblings help each other in a variety of ways with
friendship being at the top.
If you look past the in-fighting, you’ll likely see some of
the secret—and not so hidden—blessings of having a brother or sister (or
both!). As you watch your own children interact, note the many ways they
support each other. Maybe an older sister helps her little brother tie his
shoelaces, or an older boy takes his sister’s hand without prompting to cross
the street. These small gestures done “undercover,” so to speak, show you more
of their hearts than anything else. Write a few of those down and look at the
list often, especially when sibling conflict heats up. It’s a good way to
remind yourself of the blessings of siblings.
Read more about why siblings can be blessings, both when
kids are young and when they are older in Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for now on
Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.
The Scenario:
Your two sons, ages eight and ten, usually get along just fine. But lately,
whenever you have to discipline one, the other tells you it’s not fair.
Sometimes, they’ve been so convincing that you’ve not addressed the problem.
You’ve explained and explained why they need to stay out of the disciplining of
their brother, but they won’t listen. What can you do?
The Solution:
Step one is to stop explaining. They’re not listening, and they’re not going to
listen or agree with your rationalization of why interfering is wrong. Step two
is to realize that you’ve given the boys reason to think you don’t mean what
you say. So they have come to the conclusion that if one interferes with a
punishment of the other, chances are good you’ll back down.
Step three is to do something to fix the problem once and
for all. The next time you’re about to punish one and the other interrupts to
plead his case that you’re “not being fair,” respond with: “You’re right. I’m
not. So now you both will receive the punishment since you interfered.” Then
follow through with punishing both of them. That will stop the interfering
soon.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill
Press of Kansas City.
“It’s not fair!” is one of the rallying cries of childhood.
At any given moment, somewhere in the world, a child is sure she’s not getting
a fair shake. You can’t blame kids for coveting fairness; after all, the
concept of fairness seems to be wired into our DNA:
Scientific research has discovered that our brains react to perceived inequity
the same way as when we respond to the things that disgust us. That ingrained
sense of fairness makes us hypersensitive to any slight or perceived
inequality.
Our children have fully internalized this and use nearly
every opportunity to invoke the “fairness doctrine.” These questions from our kids
ring out in practically every family as some point: “Why do I always have to do
this?” “Why does [sibling] get a pass and I get punished for the same thing?” “How
come [sibling’s] piece of cake is bigger?” Often these queries, delivered in an
aggrieved tone of voice, catch parents off guard and provoke angst as Mom and
Dad start worrying about whether or not they are treating their children
fairly.
That our children have absorbed a desire for fairness should
come as no surprise, especially when fairness is emphasized in school (as it
should be among peers). As they grow, kids accept that fairness has more
nuances. When a child says, “It’s not fair,” she doesn’t mean that in the true
sense of the word. It’s because at age six, she doesn’t get to stay up as late
as the ten-year-old sibling. Or at age eight, she has to do more chores than
her four-year-old brother.
It’s not just the kids who jump on the fair play
bandwagon—we often bend over backwards to treat our children fairly. More than
eight-six percent of parents participating in my sibling rivalry survey said
they try to treat their children fairly or equally.
Practicing the fairness doctrine doesn’t lead to generosity
and gentleness of spirit but to grumbling and hoarding. Among siblings, pursuit
of fairness as a parent can create conflict, frustration, and disappointment
because each child will be constantly assessing everything to make sure things
are distributed evenly. Even if you strive for fairness within your family,
your children will still find things to pout about, as in “He got more icing on
his piece of cake than I did” or “She got new shoes and I didn’t.”
Read more about some areas that parents often attempt to
play fair with their children and ways to correct this habit in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, available for now on Amazon.com, CBD.com
and Beacon Hill Press.
The Scenario: Your
two kids each insist that you are favoring the other. How can you convince them
you aren’t playing favorites?
The Solution: You
can’t. What you can do is examine your own motives for the decisions you make concerning
the kids. Are you thinking of them as individuals? Are you allowing your
feelings of frustration about behavior color your interactions with one or the
other? Are you comparing one with another on a frequent basis? Are you holding
up one sibling as the “good” example too often?
Spend some time reviewing your own actions and see if you
can pinpoint what might be convincing the children that you have a favorite.
If, after you correct any behaviors on your part that could be contributing to
their feelings, they still howl about favoritism, you can probably chalk it up
to the fact that kids love drama, and ignore the comments. Eventually, as you
work on keeping comparisons out of your home, they stop talking about
favoritism and realize that they’re both your “favorites.”
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’ll be giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available in October, with permission of Beacon
Hill Press of Kansas City.
Parents have been picking favorites from among their
children since time began—to disastrous consequences. If you think children are
unaware of parental preferences, think again. Whether favored or unfavored,
children who know which they are never forget it.
The proliferation of biblical and literary examples show how
favoritism wrecks families and sibling interactions. Favoritism rarely has any
positive outcomes, and most such tales should be read as cautionary.
Whether we like it or not, all parents have compared their
children one time or another. The more we compare, the more we are likely to
develop a favorite among the children. While most of us would automatically
deny having a favorite, most kids would probably say their parents have a
preference for one child in the family. Sometimes, siblings work together to
use that favoritism to their collective advantage. I’ve seen this happen in
families, where the children will send the youngest child in to ask a favor of
Mom or Dad. Sometimes the parents acknowledge they can’t refuse the child
anything, and sometimes they will roll their eyes at the audacity of the
children to “work the system.”
While we might smile at the thought of kids using
“favoritism” to their advantage, playing favorites can tear the sibling fabric.
Long-term favoritism leads to resentment, envy, guilt, strife, and a host of
other problems, which impact both individuals and the family unit as a whole.
Patterns of favoritism can become ingrained in the family
fabric, but the fluidity of family life may help to balance out those
preferences. Favoritism can move from child to child, depending on situations
in which the family operates. For example, a child could lose favored status
because something she does displeases a parent, while a younger child could
move into to top spot because an older child leaves home.
Read more about what steps parents can take to largely avoid
favoritism in general in Ending Sibling
Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for now on
Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.
The Scenario:
Your six-year-old daughter doesn’t want to try anything because her older
siblings—a seven-year-old brother and an eight-year-old sister—excel at
everything they do. The older siblings receive numerous compliments for their
“amazing” abilities, particularly in sports. Now the six-year-old wants nothing
to do with physical activities. What can we do to encourage her participation?
The Solution:
Stop asking her. Counter-intuitive? Perhaps, but pushing her to do sports is likely
not to help the situation. Ask her—when her siblings are not around—what
activities she’d like to try. Then see if there’s a class or group in which
she, and she alone, could become involved. Don’t allow her siblings to attend
the class or group; let her have this all to herself.
Then to lower competition in your home, don’t talk so much
in a family setting about how well the older sibs are doing. Ask different
questions about their sports that change the focus from them to someone else,
such as “Who did you think played well today?”
Also make sure you’re not contributing to the competitive
atmosphere by praising your older children too much. This should help your
younger daughter find her own special place and also help your older children
realize it’s not all about them and their “amazing” abilities.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available in October, with permission of Beacon
Hill Press of Kansas City.
Sibling competition has been around as long as there have
been siblings. Rivalry marred the relationship of the very first sibling pair,
Cain and Abel. Cain’s reaction seems to indicate that he viewed the offerings
to the Lord as a competition between himself and Abel. Cain’s disappointment at
God’s rejection of his offering triggered his anger towards Abel, whose
offering had been accepted by God. Cain refused to heed the words of the Lord
to guard his heart against sin. That refusal led to the first murder ever
recorded when Cain killed his brother. Competition among siblings can have a
similar devastating effect.
Competition often begins as soon as a new sibling arrives at
the home. The new, often younger, sibling wants what the older sibling has,
while the older sibling wants the younger sibling to go away and leave him—and his
belongings—alone.
If you read any books about child rearing and/or sibling
rivalry, you’ll find that most child psychologists and parenting experts
contend that competition among siblings is merely their way of vying for
parental affection and love. But in attributing competition among brothers and
sisters to merely an unvoiced or perhaps unconscious desire for parental love
is to miss the larger, more harmful reason for this contest: Our innate desire
to have our own wants and needs fulfilled first.
Some parents further complicate the issue by insisting that
competition in the home is good practice for kids because it can prepare them
for living in a dog-eat-dog world. Others view competition as a way to get
ahead in life, to become a “winner” instead of a “loser.” Again, what these
views fail to consider is that pitting children against one another does little
to build them up into responsible and respectful adults.
While both views have a grain of truth, overall, our homes
should strive to be less competitive and more cooperative, less focused on
winning and more centered on respecting and loving each other.
Read more about how parents can reduce unhealthy competition
in their homes in Ending Sibling Rivalry:
Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on
Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.
The Scenario: Your
teenage children—two boys and a girl—have been teasing each other mercilessly.
Their banter starts out light and funny, but soon digresses into mean-spirited
verbal punches. You want to restore their interactions to a more loving and
caring place. What can you do?
The Solution: Try
a “teasing fine” coupled with a “blessings jar.” Decorate two mason jars, one
with the words “teasing fine jar” and one with the words “blessings jar.” For
the “blessings jar,” cut slips of blank paper and put the paper and pens in a
basket next to the jar.
Then gather the children together to explain the new “game.”
For every time one of the teases another—no matter how benign the words or
intent—that sibling must pay a dollar into the “teasing fine jar.” Then all
siblings involved—the teaser and the teasee—must take a slip of paper and write
down something they like about their siblings. Fold the paper and put it into
the “blessings jar.” When the “blessings jar” has a good amount of paper, bring
it to the table after dinner and pass it around for everyone to pull out a slip
of paper and read the blessing.
These two ideas—tying teasing with a fine as well as writing
down something they like about the sibling—should eventually greatly reduce the
teasing and encourage more loving interactions between the siblings.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
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