We all want to protect our children, but we need to take
care that our actions don’t overstep and become micromanagement. Micromanaging
is a form of overprotecting our children. A micromanager exercises excessive
control, especially over the details.
The easiest way to derail your parenting is to become a
micromanager. This is when you hover over your child and don’t give him space
to fail and experience frustration. We need to be micromanagers to some extent
when our kids are under 3, but most of us forget to stop when they are able to
do things for themselves.
How to tell if you’re a micromanager? Ask yourself these
questions:
Do I explain myself
too much to my kids? Today’s parents over-explain every decision and command
to their children. Instead of telling a child, “Clean up your room,” parents
say, “Clean up your room because I’m having company over and your room is right
next to the hall bathroom and I don’t want people to see the mess in there….”
By the time you’re finished, most kids have forgotten the original command. The
other problem with explaining is that it invites push-back from the child, as
to the clean room example: “I’ll just close my door and no one will see the
mess.”
Do I immediately
think terrible things will happen if I don’t pay close attention to the
nitty-gritty? Micromanagers also tend to be apocalyptic thinkers, using
this as a way to defend their micromanagement. For example, a mom might see her
child struggling to tie his shoes and think: “If I don’t tie his shoes for him,
they’ll come untied. Then he’ll trip and fall and break his neck and be in a
wheelchair for the rest of his life.”
Am I a helicopter
parent? A micromanaging parent also can be overly vigilant in the behavior
of your child, fearful that if you don’t continually manage his life, things
will fall apart. A news story a few months ago tied helicopter parents to
depression in kids. The study focused on college students, but you know that if
the parents are micromanaging college for their kids, they started
micromanaging when their children were young. The study found that parents who
micromanaged their college student’s schedule, vacation and laundry were doing
harm to those kids, who tended to be more depressed and express dissatisfaction
with life.
If you want to stop the helicopter parenting, here are some
ways to ease off the throttle.
First, begin by taking a giant step back from everything
that your child does. Before you rush to help or direct, count to 10 and ask
yourself, “Is this something my child can figure out for herself if I give her
time?” Then give her the time to do so.
Second, start incorporating these phrases more when talking
with your children:
“I want you to,”
“It’s time to,”
“You will.”
Finally, be prepared for the child to whine that he can’t do
it because you’ve trained him by your micromanagement to think he can’t. Be
firm in saying he can do this on his own—then back off and let him.
Just think of how much time you’ll gain when you stop
micromanaging your children. I highly recommend turning your focus back on your
husband, as a helicopter parent is one who is probably also neglecting her
spouse.
Until next time,
Sarah
