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During a back-to-school night at our local elementary
school, we visited our daughter’s fourth-grade classroom. There, along with our
daughter’s classmates’ parents, we learned from her teacher what she would be
doing in fourth grade that year.
The teacher started off her presentation by having us
participate in a game she did some mornings to get her pupils engaged in
learning about each other. The teacher would say a fact, and those to whom the
same fact applied, would stand up. She started with, “I have a child in fourth
grade,” and everyone stood up and replied, “Just like me.”
She gave a few more statements before she said, “I help my
child with homework,” to which every single parent stood up—except for us. Of
course, all eyes swiveled around to see who the miscreants were who
didn’t—gasp!—help their child with homework. It was a moment of clarity that
showed just how we as parents have bought into the notion that helping our
children with homework was a necessary part of their schooling experience.
He rightly points out that one underlying problem has
infused all school-related troubles with an extra coating of confusion: “The
average, middle-class American mom takes pretty much for granted that if her
child fails to measure up to one standard or another—whether behavioral,
social, or academic—that shortcoming is in some way indicative of a failing or
inadequacy on her part” (emphasis
his). Rosemond doesn’t belabor this point, one he’s made in other, more general
parenting books, but it does bear repeating in this guidebook on school troubles,
given that many times, our actions as parents compound the problem our children
are having with schoolwork.
His chapter on homework is especially worth the price of the
book, as he strips away the veneer of why we think homework is important (grades!)
to reveal what he deems the Seven Hidden Values of Homework: Responsibility,
autonomy, perseverance, time management, initiative, self-reliance and
resourcefulness. Who know a simple math worksheet could accomplish so much?
The key to uncovering these values—and allowing our children
to reap the full benefits of those values—is to empower our children to do
their homework entirely on their own, with minimal (read: hardly any)
assistance from parents.
Lest you think the book is all about homework, it isn’t.
Rosemond tackles other school troubles, including how to correct school
performance and classroom behaviors and why retention can be a good thing. Also
helpful is the question-and-answer sections in each chapter that provide
real-life examples and solutions.
Overall, this is a welcome update to his earlier Ending the Homework Hassle. However, I would
caution that this isn’t for the faint of heart. If you’re serious about helping
your child recover his own responsibility in the area of school, then Rosemond’s
suggestions will provide a blueprint for accomplishing that. If you’re not,
then you might be more alarmed than comforted by the no-nonsense and practical
advice contained within these pages.
Personally, I hope more parents would find the courage to
follow Rosemond’s advice and give the school work back to the child. After all,
full ownership of a thing—be it homework or behavior—is the best way that a
child learns to be resilient, self-confident and resourceful.
Q: What do we do when
our child refuses to be reconciled with you? In adult-to-adult relationships,
each adult has the same responsibility to initiate reconciliation when conflict
arises. But how does this apply to the parent-child relationship? For example,
my teenage son has cursed at me, been outright rebellious, and has threatened
to leave the house. Should the parent in such a situation take the initiative
toward reconciliation, such as telling him I still love him despite his
over-the-top misbehavior? Or do we wait for the child to humble himself and
come to us?
A: This is a question as old as time itself. How do we as
parents deal with a child who clearly has no desire to repair a relationship to
which he has taken a sledge hammer?
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Let’s remember that the parent-child relationship is fraught
with mistakes and outright messiness. The parent makes mistakes, the child
makes mistakes. Emotions get out of control and things can slide downhill fast.
That said, we should try to model forgiveness and love as
much as we can. That means, yes, we tell our children that we love them no
matter what they do--because we do and we should. However, that doesn’t mean we
don’t get annoyed, hurt, angered, or saddened by their behavior and choices,
but it does mean that we love them as unconditionally as we can in our imperfect
human state.
In your example, you should take the initiative for two
reasons. One because you’re the adult and he’s the child (even as he nears
adulthood), and two, because you’re his father. This isn’t to say you condone
the behavior, but we have to be the ones to hold out the olive branch of
forgiveness in order to make it easier for our children to ask for it. We
should be the ones who try to heal the breach first because we need to show our
children how to do that.
Most of the time, children of all ages find it difficult to
be the one to take the first step toward righting a wrong. It’s not easily to
be humble and apologetic in the best of circumstances. Throw in a fight with a
parent, and that step could morph into an insurmountable mountain for a child
to climb.
Of course, we pray that our children will see the wrongness
of their actions, but in the end, it’s not up to us to convict their hearts—that’s
the province of God--so we tell them we love them, we levy appropriate
consequences when necessary, and we make the way back “home” not steep or
rocky, but paved with love and forgiveness.
Do we allow children time to find the magic in their
surroundings or are we too impatient to move on to the next thing?
I hurried my kids along, tugging on their hands and urging
them to keep up. We had a lot of road to travel and not enough daylight to do
it in. No matter that the youngest two (both boys) wanted to stop to see the
construction vehicles moving dirt at a worksite. No matter that the two oldest
(both girls) wanted to gaze at a new flower bursting out of a sidewalk crack. We
had things to do, places to go, people to see, and it all had to be done right
this very minute.
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The sad part is the above scenario wasn’t uncommon in my
life. Like many of us, I packed as much into one day as possible, leaving
little wiggle room for stopping to smell the roses or see the first robin of
spring.
I took little comfort in the fact that I wasn’t alone. Many
of us have bought into the notion that to be idle is to be unproductive. We
can’t stand to have a “free” moment, so we over-pack our schedules and we
stress ourselves to the max by constantly doing, doing, doing. Busyness has
become a status symbol. Always rushing around from one task to another.
Constantly busy. On the job 24/7. As Americans, we’re busier than ever, filling
our lives with constant motion and tasks to be accomplished.
We don’t just do that for ourselves—we do that for our
children too. Then everyone ends up all feeling so overwhelmed by our lengthy
and never-ending to-do lists. We’ve fallen into the trap of over-scheduling,
over-doing and over-committing our time and resources.
And in the midst of our extreme busyness, we forget that to
be constantly busy means more than having no free time. It also means we pass
through life as if on a fast train, everything outside of our small world a
blur without form.
When we suck our children into our busyness, we do more than
slash their playtime. We also severely limit their imaginations. In short,
being overly busy with little downtime squelches the wonder.
The wonder to take a few minutes to watch the worm wiggle
across the sidewalk. The wonder to watch the giant excavator scoop up a load of
dirt and drop it into a dump truck. The wonder to gaze at the puffy clouds and
see a unicorn or dragon. The wonder to lay back on the warm grass and trace the
contrail streams left by airplanes high in the sky. The wonder to let a mind
drift into that magical realm of what-if
that allows children—and adults—to dream the dreams that sometimes change the world.
I’m thankful I realized sooner rather than later that my
hurrying to the next thing wasn’t always in the best interest of myself or my
children. Now, while some weeks are more packed than others, I deliberately try
to work in extra time on a regular basis so that when opportunities arise that
demand a moment of exploration or investigation, we can take that time. My kids
won’t always want to examine a tree’s peeling bark or gaze at an interesting
display in a store window, so while they still do, I will try to help them take
advantage of the situation.
Until next time,
Sarah
Q: We introduced our three-year-old
daughter to television at an early age. We put limits on viewing time—currently,
30 minutes to an hour per day of something educational. However, she loves,
loves, loves TV and prefers watching it to anything else. Is this okay? Should
we wean her off of it, and if so, how?
A: Of course she loves it! What's better than doing nothing
and being “entertained” by flashing lights and quick-changing scenes? I would
pull the plug entirely right now, no exceptions, for at least six months. There
are so many other things she could be doing that is more beneficial to her
growing brain than staring at a screen, no matter how educational the
programming.
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But she will complain, and whine and beg and plead and throw
temper tantrums when you do (I’m sure this has already happened when you limit
her exposure). This will pass in a few days if you stick with it--and DON’T
replace TV screen time with electronic screen time of another sort (such as
computers, tablets, smartphones, etc.). Kick the entire screen habit cold
turkey with her.
Just simply tell her no TV and provide alternatives, such as
building blocks and cars and trucks, trains and tracks, stuffed animals, etc.
Any toy that doesn’t make it’s own noise is key--you want your daughter to
provide the “entertainment” value for the toys, not the other way around. You
will probably have to teach her how to play and expect a short attention span
to begin with--but with calm purpose, you can help her recover her natural
ability to entertain herself without electronics.
To give her a push in jumpstarting her imagination, build a
town for her dolls out of building blocks, talking about what you’re doing, as
in “Let’s make it big enough for Dolly to live in. Do you think she needs space
to take a rest?” Let her guide the play and redirect the building. After about
five minutes or so, she should be more engaged and then you can just sit there
and let her do the playing. With stuffed animals, you can start a conversation
between the owl and the lion about what to do that day. Ask your daughter what
you think they should do, then do different voices for the animals. She'll
probably start making sounds or voices herself with those or other animals.
In all activities, start the play, but then step aside and
become a passive observer as your daughter takes over. As the hold TV/screens
has had on her lessens, her brain will start to fire up on its own with
imaginative play.
For more on how screen time, even “educational” programs,
games, etc., re-wire children's brains, check out The Shallows by Nicholas Carr or The Big Disconnect by Teresa Barker and Catherine Steiner-Adair.
Like it (parents) or not (students), homework has become an
ingrained part of the school landscape. At its very basic level, homework
reinforces what students are learning in class and gives teachers a quick check
to see if their pupils understand the material.
While homework has been around since the introduction of
public schooling in America, the homework of the early 20th century looks much
different from the homework of the 21st century—and I’m not talking about the
actual worksheets and problems, although that has undergone a metamorphosis of
sorts as well.
What has changed is the fundamental understanding of
homework. It used to be understood by all—teachers, parents, pupils—that
homework was the sole responsibility and domain of students to whom it was
assigned. Nowadays, homework involves not only the student but his parents as
well—all with the full support and encouragement
of teachers.
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For one of many examples I could cite from our children’s
teachers at the local public elementary school (and let me state that we think
the teachers are doing a bang-up job teaching our kids overall), take a look at
this recent note from my second grader’s teacher:
“Some students are still not writing down the books they
read at home or having a parent sign their planner. This is part of their
homework, so please help your child remember to do this every night.”
Now read it again and see if you can catch the irony in that
simple request from teacher to parents. Here’s the words and phrases that
jumped out at me: their homework,
that is, the students’ work. Then, please
help your child remember, that is, the parents
need to help their child remember the
child’s homework.
Let’s return to the matter of whose homework is it: The
child’s, of course. So why does the teacher
request that the parents get involved
with helping the student do his own homework? If the child is
supposed to be learning to be responsible for his own homework—which is the
goal of this entire planner thing, in which the kids write down their homework
each day—then how is a parent reminding the child going to help the child learn
that responsibility?
The short answer is that it’s not. And the more we as
parents “help” our children “remember” their own homework, the more our
children will “forget” to do the work (or even how to do the work). I guarantee
that every parent who reminds their second grader to write down the book they
read and to bring the planner to a parent for a signature will still be
reminding that same child until the end of the school year. That kind of “help”
is not going to make our kids progress to the point where they don’t need our
assistance.
In other words, if we don’t put the onus of remembering
homework in the first place and if we don’t allow our children to turn in
incomplete work or imperfect work, we are essentially creating an dependence on
others for work that by its very definition should be completed, alone, by the
child. If the child really doesn’t understand the material, then the teacher
needs to know that. If the child can’t “remember” to have a planner signed by a
parent, then the teacher needs to know that too—and grade accordingly.
Our second grader has a rather spotty record on the planner
signing and book title writing down in planner. We knew that teacher’s note was
talking about our second grader (and probably others in the class as well).
However, we simply said only, “Your teacher said you are not writing down the
book titles and having us sign your planner.” That’s it. We didn’t remind the
second grader every day to do this. We didn’t hound the second grader to get
this down. We put the responsibility firmly in his hands and let him sink or
swim on his own. He has improved his performance in this area, which wouldn’t
have been the case had we gotten involved and started shouldering the
responsibility for his planner.
How do you handle homework—and is that way working for you
and your kids?
Until next time,
Sarah
Q: My 9-year-old son
(a triplet) is in third grade (as is his sister and brother). Lately, his
grades have declined into Bs and Cs. All of his teachers say that his behavior
in class is the reason for the drop in grades, which is that he struggles to
stay focused on class work (they even mentioned the possibility that he might
have ADD). At a recent meeting with his teachers, we all agreed to work
together on his behavior: They will let me know if he isn’t meeting expectations
behavior-wise at school, while I will enforce consequences at home.
If he’s not
interested in something, he barely puts any effort into it and won’t stay on
task. He’s the same with chores as he is with school work. Two months ago, I
removed all video games but that has ceased to motivate him. Currently, I make
him study for 45 minutes to an hour each school night, but he only puts in
minimal effort. His teachers say he’s smart, and with focus, I think he could
get straight As. What suggestions do you have to motivate him to do better in
school?
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A: The simple answer is that he won’t be motivated to do
better in school until he has a “reason” to do so. As you say, he's simply not
interested in doing what he is capable of doing. You don’t say what behaviors
he exhibits in school other than he seems unfocused on his work.
However, he won’t become motivated himself as long as you’re
“making” him study for 45 minutes to an hour each night. Why are you involved
so much in his homework? Until you give him complete control over his school
work and homework, he will not care one iota about it. He knows that you are
more concerned about his grades than he is.
Being in third grade means there’s plenty of time for him to
get himself in gear academically. But--and this is a huge but--you and his teachers have to be prepared to let him sink or
swim on his own.
Have a meeting with his teachers. Say you appreciate their
concern, but that you think--and they have backed you up on this by saying that
he’s capable of doing the work--your son needs complete ownership of his third-grade
work. State that you will no longer be making sure he does his homework, that
you expect the teachers to give him the grade his work deserves, and that you
are fully prepared for him to repeat third grade if his effort falls short of
the benchmark. Be prepared for shock and perhaps dismay, but stand firm. Also expect
that he might repeat third grade if he completely flubs the rest of the year.
Tell your son that you’re sorry for your over-involvement in
what is his domain—his school work—and that from now on, you are going to let
him handle his homework, projects, tests, etc. You will be available for any
questions, but his school work is his business and his alone. Add that you have
informed his teachers that you fully support whatever grade your son’s work
deserves, and that you also support his repeating third grade if his
performance at school doesn’t turn around.
Then stop talking about it. Let him tell you about his day,
but don’t ask about his homework, etc. (and this should encompass his siblings
as well--you don’t need to be involved in their school work or homework, either!).
When report cards come home, meet with each child individually to talk about
the grades in a FYI-type manner.
Remember, repeating third grade isn’t the end of the world,
especially since you are giving your son a lesson that will last a lifetime—that
he is responsible for his own actions, whether that be behavior or school work.
That’s a lesson worth learning on his own.
The blog’s author, Tim Elmore, posited that anger,
impatience, cynicism, resentment, criticism, ingratitude and disappointment are
all byproducts of feeling entitled. Here are some questions to ask to see if
you’re raising entitled children—and what to do to change the course.
- Are
your children (not toddlers!) angry most of the time?
- Are
your children impatient most of the time?
- Are
your children cynical most of the time?
- Are
your children resentful most of the time?
- Are
your children cynical most of the time?
- Are
your children ungrateful most of the time?
- Are
your children disappointment most of the time?
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If you answered yes to one or more of those questions, then
you have entitled children. To change that, you must help them change their
attitude. Here are some tips on how to accomplish that.
Delay gratification.
Whenever possible, make your child wait for whatever it is he is dying to have
or do. For example, don’t give your child a snack 30 minutes before dinner just
because he’s starving. Waiting a half hour to eat isn’t going to kill him, but
it can strengthen his patience.
Ban complaining.
No one likes to be around someone who constantly complains, yet we allow our
children to whine about things all day long without correcting them. Start with
something small, like no complaining at the dinner table, then add other
topics. When you stop the grumbling in one zone, you’ll be surprised at how
much it will decrease in other areas.
Highlight blessings.
Most of us have more to be thankful for than we act like, so taking time as a
family to list those blessings is a great antidote to ungratefulness. One idea
is the Blessings Jar, where family members are encouraged to jot down ways for
which they are grateful and drop it in the jar. Once a week or so, the family
gathers to read the blessings.
Acknowledge, but
don’t wallow in, disappointments. We all suffer disappointments from time
to time, and so do our children. However, while we should commiserate with
them, we shouldn’t allow them to obsess about a disappointment. For example,
giving a hug and telling your teen that it is, indeed, a terrible thing that
she didn’t get the part in the play is a good thing for a parent to do. But
continually rehashing the disappointment and reliving that moment isn’t
healthy, so we need to help our kids deal with the hurt and move on with their
lives in a positive way.
These are just some of the ways to curb that sense of entitlement
in our kids that can creep up on all of us.
Until next time,
Sarah
Q: My six-year-old
daughter has had crazy mood swings lately, especially around the holidays. She’s
well-behaved during school. But at events around family, which includes cousins
she plays nicely with, she’ll come home and simply not calm down. If anything,
her behavior spirals quickly out of control into hyperactivity. For example,
one time when we got home just past her regular bedtime, she couldn’t brush her
teeth—just kept jumping around the bathroom, blurting out silly things and
laughing. When my husband threatened to punish her, her “happy” mood dissolved
into tears and uncontrollable crying. What can we do to prevent this cycle from
continuing the next time we’re around family or friends?
A: It sounds to me like your daughter has stimuli overload.
At school, she behaves but lets it all hang out at home. Super-charged events,
like holidays and family gatherings, can wind some kids up until they just lose
control over their actions, hence the silliness in the bathroom. For example,
one of my kids gets very upset in situations where he/she doesn’t know what to
do or where to go. I have to remind myself of his/her tendency and respond to
his/her initial frustration expressions more calmly, as well as provide
assistance in helping the child overcome the situation, such as with calming
techniques or permission to sit alone with a book for a bit to regroup.
That doesn't mean we excuse bad behavior, but that we
understand that he/she is one of those kids who gets wired in certain situations.
That understanding can help us parents know how to handle it and also help the
child learn how to gain control in similar circumstances.
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So for your daughter, it might be better if you had let her
skip the tooth-brushing and physically assisted her get in her pajamas that
evening. A story with the lights down low and snuggling close with you or your
husband as you read would help as well, or perhaps a story told or favorite
song sung as she lay in bed in the dark.
Just knowing she would likely come home all wired up will
help you and your husband to respond in quieter and calmer tones, which should,
in turn, help her to unwind more. You might consider bringing PJs to such
events and having her change before you leave if you know it will be late when
you get home. That way, you can play soothing music in the car on the way home
and pop her in bed immediately (skipping one night of brushing her teeth every
once in a while won’t hurt her). You could also just plan on leaving earlier so
that she has time to unwind before her regular bedtime.
When she comes home from school, help her make the
transition between school and home. Let her run around the outside of the house
six times (or up and down the sidewalk X times) or jump on a mini-trampoline
for X minutes. Any activity to help her get some of her energy redirected in
physical activity can help calm her brain.
Whatever you do, don’t give her electronics on school days
as many studies have shown electronics of any sort can wind up kids' brains.
Avoid high-sugar foods as snacks, too; instead, try fruit and/or cheese for a
quick snack after school. Get some books or other children’s audio CDs from the
library and let her listen to one in her room directly after supper to wind
down for the night. Some good ones are the Rabbit Ears collections of fairy
tales, world tales and folk tales--very excellent!--and the History of the
World CD sets.
Above all, stay as calm as you can and do what you can to
help her develop her own way of handling those transitions and stimuli.
When you’re pregnant with your first child, everyone tells
you how wonderful it will be when he or she arrives into the world. “You’ll
enjoy every minute of time with this child, with whom you’ll want to spend more
and more and more time.”
On the one hand, this is totally true. That precious little
bundle of joy (and poop and spit-up) tugs at your heart in a way unlike
anything you’ve experienced previously. This is the love that drives you out of
bed when the infant cries, gives you grace to clean up yet another mess, and
ensures that the child survives into adulthood—despite driving you sometimes
crazy in the process.
But, on the other hand, that statement is totally not true. We
joke about longing to be stranded on a desert island with a good book, a glass
of wine, and nary a kid in sight. What we don’t even joke about is the fact
that sometimes children can be downright boring and demanding. We can’t say
that because it sounds so horrible, that these little people we’re raising—and
that we love to pieces—are not great conversationalists most of the time. Sure,
sometimes, they say something quite cute and interesting. But do I really want
to hear all about how to play the Treasure Island game
my second grader learned in PE that morning? Do I need to be fully engaged in a
conversation about dinosaurs for the hundredth time? Do we need to be told
every thought that crosses our children’s minds—and pretend that those insights
are all so darn interesting?
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Let me state emphatically that I do talk with my children,
that I’m frequently amazed by their insights, suggestions, thoughts, and
silliness. We enjoy hearing about their day at the dinner table—but we also
have no problem telling them they are talking too much, that we don’t want to
hear for the umpteenth time about their LEGO creation, and that we truly would
rather talk about something other than baseball stats.
What I think we’ve lost as parents is the balance of things, the realization that
our children aren't very interesting most of the time—and that’s okay, because
they are only children. We’ve forgotten that childhood is messy, gross, and
boring to grownups in a healthy way. We’ve become obsessed with our children to
the point that we give them status and place beyond their years by paying close
attention to all that they say and do, by always admiring their words and
works, and by making them believe that everything they do is noteworthy of our
complete and full attention.
During a recent conversation among mothers with children of
various ages, one said, “Sometimes I crank up the radio just to not engage in
conversation with my daughter about the movie Frozen. She talks about it nonstop, and it’s driving me crazy.” We
all laughed, then I said, “I’d just tell her to stop talking about it, that I
wasn’t going to be listening to her chatter on that subject for now.” Her
reply? “I never thought about just telling her to stop talking. I thought I
should always listen to everything she said.”
Her statement is typical of today’s parent—that we think we
have to pay close attention and respond to our children’s chatter all of the
time. We’ve forgotten what our grandmothers knew instinctively: That children
talk too much and that they need to be taught to be good conversationalists.
What we’re doing collectively as parents is teaching our children the exact
opposite: how to be a bore.
If you want your child to learn how to be someone with whom
others will enjoy conversing, try these tips:
Cut them off.
When a child goes on and on about something he’s passionate about, you want to
encourage that passion, but you also want him to realize that not everyone’s
going to be as excited as he is about dinosaurs, for example. Help him realize
when he’s talking too much about that topic by simply telling him it’s time to
stop talking about it.
Show them how
conversation works. Talking with someone is different than talking at
someone. When a child dominates a conversation, they are not engaged in true
conversation—they are talking at the other person, instead of with them. Gently
redirect their talk to include other family members or friends. Help them
one-on-one if necessary to say three things, then stop and ask a question of
the other person.
Practice listening
skills. Sometimes, a child will act bored around another sibling or friend
who is talking about a topic that doesn’t interest her—but will expect complete
enrapture when she has the floor to talk about her pet issue. Guide her in how
to be a good listener, too. People want to talk more with others who truly
listen than they do with someone who only wants to promote her agenda without
regard to others.
So the next time you become bored with your children’s conversation,
tell them gently, redirect the flow, and help them to become better at talking
with, instead of talking at, others.
Until next time,
Sarah
The Scenario:
Your three-year-old child has suddenly become very difficult in the weeks after
you came home from the hospital with a new baby sister. He ignores your
commands, laughs when punished, and has had numerous potty “accidents.” You’re
wondering if the new sibling has created a three-year-old monster. Will his
behavior improve on its own or should you intervene now?
The Solution: The
birth of a sibling—as with any major event in a child’s life—can throw the
older child into a tizzy. Regressions are a typical response and will pass with
gentle encouragement and consistency on your part. First, don’t reassure him
with words but actions as to his place in the family. With everyone oohing and
aahing over the baby, he’s feeling a bit left out.
Start by setting aside some time just for him each day. Ask
for his help in sorting clothes. While you’re feeding the baby, sing some songs
with him or read him a story. As much as you can, ignore his attitude and work
on correcting his behaviors.
Remind him that he knows how to use the toilet but has
forgotten. Show him how to clean up after his “on purposes” and rinse out his
underwear. Be matter of fact but firm, and he should return to his usual self
in a few weeks.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available now. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
This is the last sneak peak at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which
is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
A child can become a sibling in several ways—through the
birth of a brother or sister, through the adoption of a baby or older child, or
through the remarriage of a parent to a spouse with children. However that
sibling comes along, the child’s world changes dramatically. Sometimes, the
transition is accompanied by resentment and misbehavior by the former
singleton, but parents can ease the transition from an only to a sibling.
In our home, we welcomed our second child when our firstborn
was twenty-two months old. Naomi, the older daughter, adjusted fairly well to
her new little sister, Leah—or so we thought until the day Naomi announced very
loudly that I needed to “put Leah down, just put her down,” accompanied by
vehement hand motions. That clued us in that Naomi wasn’t taking the addition
of a sibling as well as we had initially hoped.
However, that rather rocky beginning hasn’t meant an
escalation of hostilities between the pair. Rather, as we showed Naomi how to
interact with her sister—and as Leah grew older and more able to play with her
older sister—the two of them have become good friends as well as sisters,
despite occasional squabbles.
Remember, children are resilient beings, capable of
readjusting expectations to new circumstances fairly easily. With guidance,
parents can use that ability to swing the older children into acceptance and
love for their new siblings.
Read more about how to help an older child learn to accept
and love a new sibling in Ending Sibling
Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available now on Amazon.com, CBD.com
and Beacon Hill Press.
According to my personal holiday tradition, I'm taking the last two weeks of the year off from blogging to focus more on family and friends, and Christmas and New Year's.
My blog will be new and fresh starting January 6. Enjoy your holidays, and see you next year!
Sarah
Q: Should boys be
allowed to play with toy guns of any sort? If so, can they point the gun at
each other and shoot someone else? Play dead when shot? What guidelines do you
recommend for teaching them how to play with toy guns? My sons keep asking for
them and I’m not sure how to respond.
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Image courtesy of artur84/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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A: If you have a boy, chances are pretty good that he’s
shot, stabbed, lasered or otherwise tried to kill you, the family dog, the
chair, or his younger sibling with some sort of weapon. Said weapon could be
anything from a finger, a stick, LEGOs or a stuffed animal. Frankly, I don’t
know how you prevent shooting and playing dead among children, especially boys,
even without an actual toy gun in a child’s hand.
We’re asking the wrong questions when we fret about whether
or not a toy gun of some sort will somehow be harmful to our kids. Instead, we
should focus on what’s going on in their own hearts when they play or interact
with others. Is the play mean-spirited or fun for all involved? A boy who
shoots his sister with his toy cap gun, for example, could be perfectly loving
toward her on most occasions, except when she’s the bank robber and he’s the
sheriff.
Video games and movies have more potential for desensitizing
kids to violence than playing with a toy gun. Rather than worrying about
whether they play with toy guns (or pretend to knife, slash or shoot others
with pretend weapons), we should concentrate on helping them treat others with
kindness and respect most of the time (because no one can be perfect all the
time!).
Our homes should have a general atmosphere of love and not
anger with siblings that respect and love one another most of the time. If our
focus is on the intangibles of our children’s relationships with each other,
then what toys they have won’t matter as much--because in the end, it’s not the
toy that causes the distress, it’s
the child who wields it.
There’s something about Christmas that is almost magical.
Maybe it’s the colder weather. Maybe it’s the bright lights and cheerful
holiday music. Maybe it’s the anticipation on the faces of every child you
meet.
But sometimes we as adults are like the children in the
Polar Express book, the ones who grow up a bit and don’t hear the sleigh bells
anymore. We’ve somehow lost the Christmas magic in the hustle and bustle of the
season. We’re too stressed with our long to-do lists that we miss the
simplicity of the season.
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Image courtesy of Theeradech Sanin/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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That “amnesia” of what Christmas used to mean to us can make
us short with our kids’ natural exuberance about presents and seeing family and
Santa. We forget that memories are made not with gifts but with time spent
together as a family. We eschew quietness for busyness, leaving little time for
reflection. We let our children’s zeal for the season to irritate us rather
than give us joy.
This Christmas, I challenge you to remember how much you
enjoyed the holidays as a child. Pick a favorite memory and hold it close as
you hear your children’s squeals of excitement, see them bouncing around the
house, and generally become nearly overwrought with anticipation.
Share your own Christmas memories with your children. Let
them share theirs, even though for most of them, they don’t have very many
Christmases from which to choose. Ask them what makes Christmas special—you might
be surprised at what they say. Pick several low-key things to do with your
family in the midst of the to-ing and fro-ing that’s part of the season.
Most of all, cherish your kids’ expressions of joy. There’s
nothing quite like the look on a child’s face when he opens a hoped-for gift.
Or the surprise on a child’s face when she receives something unexpected yet
welcome. Don’t wear yourself out so much that you can’t enjoy those moments.
Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect but you can have the best Christmas ever.
Until next time,
Sarah
Q: How do we handle
grandparents and other relatives/friends who want to buy our kids things that
we’d rather our kids not have, such as electronics, which we restrict most of
the time at home. We don’t want to monitor their usage of an electronic device
we didn’t want them to have anyway. I know they are well-intentioned, but our
kids would be as happy with a gift card to the local bookstore. What are your suggestions
for how to approach this topic?
A: One Christmas when our oldest was around five or six, one
of my sisters gave her a Care Bear “exercise” doll that stood on its own and
moved up and down, saying things like, “Exercise is great!” and “Let’s get
physical,” a la Olivia Newton John’s hit song. Now, I knew by this sister’s wicked
gleam in her eye that she figured the Care Bear wouldn’t go over so well with
my husband or me. Yes, that bear was very annoying but I decided to see how it
played out with my daughter.
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Image courtesy of Keerati/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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Sure enough, the first forty-eight hours were pure agony
hearing that bear’s squeaky voice talk about getting physical. But a funny
thing happened once the newness of the bear’s animatronics wore off. My
daughter tried to play with it as a regular doll, but it was too stiff “at
rest,” so the bear was soon left behind, un-played with and lonely in the toy
box. A month after that, I was able to quietly remove the bear and put it in
our yard sale box. My daughter never missed it.
Sometimes, the gift that we dread our children receiving
ends up not being a big deal after all. Other times, we do have to step in to
curtail usage. You won’t know which you’ll have to do until the gift is given.
However, that doesn’t mean you don’t have a conversation
with your relatives about toys. Don’t begin it with “We don’t allow…” or end it
with “so please don’t buy them that.” Instead, talk about what your kids do
like to do. Mention how much fun they have spending time with grandparents,
aunts and uncles. When asked about gifts, you could suggest replacing another
toy with a one-on-one outing with the relative. I know my own children have
relished birthday gifts that were simply an outing with their grandmother or
aunt and uncle, such as a trip to the circus or ballet. The outing itself
doesn’t have to be spectacular—keep in mind that some of our best memories are
from the small things in life, like an ice cream cone while walking around the
neighborhood or a drive through a park to look at Christmas lights.
Also help your children develop their own wish lists that
are reasonable and practical. For example, we remind our children that nothing
on their list should cost more than $30, as that helps keep their greed in
check and is respectful of others’ finances.
And for those gifts that don’t meet parental approval? Let
them play with it, but put the same restrictions on it that you would have if
you had purchased it. Remember that the relatives are likely only thinking of
your child and are not out to undermine your parental authority. Always assume
the best intentions unless you have hard evidence otherwise—and enjoy the
blessings of having family who care enough to bestow gifts on your children.
(Don’t forget to have those children write prompt thank-you notes, too.)
My children are still in elementary school, so the talk
about the increase of sexual assaults on college campuses isn’t something I’m
overly concerned about as touching my children right now. However, that doesn’t
mean I’m not preparing my kids for the day when they might encounter such a
situation, either through a friend, acquaintance or personally. Of course, no
mother (or father!) wants to think her daughter or son would ever have to worry
about unwanted sexual advances, molestation or rape.
But we live in a world where such things are not outside the
realm of possibility. Rather than fearing what might happen, I’d rather focus
on what we can do to help our children be strong, compassionate and responsible
adults. The type of person who would speak up when seeing wrong or stand firm
when others are crumbling. That training should begin when our children are
young. Here’s what we’re teaching our children about being a good friend and
citizen—in short, becoming young adults who will be more apt to do the right
thing and not stand aside to let the wrong thing happen.
1. Teach them to
stick up for the weak. Even in elementary school, helping our children
develop a heart for those who are being picked on will strengthened their
desire to do the right thing, even when it’s the hardest option. So many times,
stories of sexual assault are peppered with tales of bystanders who did nothing
to help, either before, during or after such incidents. By helping our children
find the courage to speak up when they are young, we will instill in them the
will to continue on that path into adulthood.
2. Teach them to tell
the truth—no matter what. Sometimes, speaking up with the truth is harder
than telling a lie or staying silent. That’s true about playground scrapes and
it’s true about sexual assaults, especially when someone you like or admire is
involved. By stressing the need for truth to always be told—and by ensuring
that you encourage and model that in your home—you can help your children
realize that truth might be hard, but it’s always the best course of action.
3. Teach them to
treat everyone with respect. There are people in this world that we don’t
get along with—different personalities, different backgrounds, different
interests, etc. But we should strive to treat everyone we encounter with
respect. Helping our children internalize that character trait is essential to
their living a life of honor and of being good citizens. Having that respect at
the core of their being will help them recognize that everyone deserves to be
valued.
4. Teach them that
everyone is made in God’s image. This goes along with respecting all
people, but it digs deeper. When we realize that God has created all human
beings, that’s a powerful incentive to be kind to everyone we meet. It’s
essentially the backbone of all the other lessons we’re trying to teach because
respect, truth-telling, helping the weak—all stem from knowing that everyone we
encounter is a reflection of God.
5. Teach them of
their own worth. This goes hand-in-hand with everyone—including
themselves—being made in God’s image. Knowing who they are on the inside will
go a long way to helping them avoid potentially dangerous situations because of
a longing to be liked or to fit in with the right crowd. Also drill into them
that their bodies are their own, and that no one has the right to touch them in
a way that makes them uncomfortable. Add to that no one has the right to tell
them to keep quiet if something does happen. Having a sure sense of self can
prevent our kids from being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
6. Teach them that
love is more than sex. This starts with showing them what a good marriage
looks like by being affectionate with your spouse, by treating your husband or
wife with respect, by modeling what a good relationship between the sexes looks
like. It’s also helping them as they begin to express interest in the opposite
sex to understand infatuation and how that can lead to bad decisions. It’s
guiding them to recognizing potentially unsafe situations and giving them the
tools to avoid them. It’s helping them see that reporting any misconduct is
always better than saying nothing—and that you’ll be there to help them through
the process no matter what.
Of course, there are no guarantees that even if we teach our
kids these truths they will never stray off the right path, but we would be
remiss in our calling as parents if we didn’t do our best to teach them the way
of righteousness.
Until next time,
Sarah
Q: Our son turned two
recently. He’s been a good sleeper most of the time, with bedtimes not so
terrible a task. However, lately, he gets very upset at bedtime. Our routine at
night is bathing, brushing teeth, reading a book, having some milk, going to
the potty, then into the crib for a few songs. Now, he’s getting so upset with
us leaving the room that he’ll cry until he throws up. What can we do to get
over this hurdle?
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Image courtesy of phaitoon/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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A: Turning two can be a huge change for some kids, and it
sounds like it has been for your son. That said, there are some things you can
do to help him make this transition smoother at bedtime.
First, shorten the bedtime routine because it’s kind of long
now. Kids his age don’t really need a bath every night (a couple of times a
week will usually do the trick). Cut out the milk right before bed, too, so
that he won’t have milk on his teeth overnight—you can give this to him a half
hour or so before bed instead.
For the crying, leave him in his crib, then come back into
the room after a minute (literally, count to 60 outside his door). Tell him
everything’s okay and leave. Don’t pick him up and don’t stay longer than the
time it takes to pat him on the back and tell him it’s okay. Repeat as
necessary, gradually lengthening the time between when you re-enter the room. This
might take a few days or a week or so, but he should get over this and stop
crying so much at bedtime.
A happy client:
After I had originally answered this question, the client
wrote the following: “I just wanted to thank you for your help! For the past
few days, I’ve put him down, we wait literally a minute while he wails like a
banshee, then my husband goes in and holds his hand for awhile. By the time he
leaves, our son’s been too tired to do much besides let out a few impassioned
squawks. It’s not ideal, but it’s certainly better than him barfing everywhere!”
As usual, I'm taking a break this week to spend more time with my family in Thanksgiving Day preparation, etc. I hope you and yours have a wonderful Thanksgiving celebrating God's goodness in your lives.
Until next time,
Sarah
The Scenario:
Your two daughters ages eight and six play together nicely, but when their two
cousins who are similar ages come over, it’s bedlam. Within half an hour, your
youngest will be crying over being excluded by her older sister from the games
or play. You constantly have to intervene to keep any semblance of peace. What
can you do?
The Solution: In
this case, ignoring the problem or letting the children figure it out
themselves is not likely to work. Things have gone on too far and their
“positions” have become so entrenched that they can’t change on their own. Nor
can you act as mediator—you’ve seen how successful that’s been!
Here’s a way to handle this. The next time the cousins are
scheduled to come over, have your sons draw straws or flip a coin to determine
which one of them will get to play with the cousins. The other child will stay
away from the cousins and get her turn next time it’s playtime with the
cousins.
You’ll likely have to do this for the next four or so times
the cousins are at your house before you can ask your two daughters if one of
them needs to play separately from the rest. This puts the onus of figuring out
how to get along on the shoulders if your daughters, where it belongs.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill
Press of Kansas City.
Ever notice that being trapped inside for several days
because of weather or sickness can unleash the worst behavior from our
children? While the family that plays together does indeed develop a deeper
relationship with each other, too much togetherness can breed undesirable
behaviors. Time away from other siblings can provide a much needed respite and
can prevent tensions from reaching the boiling point and exploding into
conflict.
Just as we parents need to ensure we spend time together as
a family, so we should encourage time apart. Everyone, from Mom and Dad on down
to the youngest child, needs alone time—the trick is finding the right balance
to avoid both smothering (too much togetherness) and becoming antisocial (too
much time alone).
It’s important to talk with our children about why time
alone is good for everyone, and that it shouldn’t always be viewed as a
punishment. We all feel so busy these days, overwhelmed by our lengthy and
never-ending to-do lists. Busyness has become a status symbol as we’re always
rushing around from one task to another, on the job twenty-four/seven. We fill
our lives with constant motion and tasks to be accomplished. Even Christians
fall into the trap of over-scheduling, over-doing and over-committing our time
and resources. Our children are not any different, with overpacked schedules
and constant motion, leaving little time for the business of being a kid.
Alone time has two components: knowing when to separate and
having a place to go to be by oneself. Therefore, to accomplishing the perfect
ratio of togetherness and separateness, parents should first figure out when a
separation is necessary. Part of this step is training offspring to recognize
their personal warning signs so that they can remove themselves from a
potentially explosive situation. Second, parents need to help children find
private space in the home for alone time. Coupled with privacy is assisting
their children to have their own identity within the family unit, another form
of separating.
Read more about both how to know when a volcano might erupt
and how to create space for the essential cool-down period in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, available now on Amazon.com, CBD.com
and Beacon Hill Press.
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