A Mom’s Confession: Sometimes, My Children Bore Me

When you’re pregnant with your first child, everyone tells you how wonderful it will be when he or she arrives into the world. “You’ll enjoy every minute of time with this child, with whom you’ll want to spend more and more and more time.”

On the one hand, this is totally true. That precious little bundle of joy (and poop and spit-up) tugs at your heart in a way unlike anything you’ve experienced previously. This is the love that drives you out of bed when the infant cries, gives you grace to clean up yet another mess, and ensures that the child survives into adulthood—despite driving you sometimes crazy in the process.

But, on the other hand, that statement is totally not true. We joke about longing to be stranded on a desert island with a good book, a glass of wine, and nary a kid in sight. What we don’t even joke about is the fact that sometimes children can be downright boring and demanding. We can’t say that because it sounds so horrible, that these little people we’re raising—and that we love to pieces—are not great conversationalists most of the time. Sure, sometimes, they say something quite cute and interesting. But do I really want to hear all about how to play the Treasure Island game my second grader learned in PE that morning? Do I need to be fully engaged in a conversation about dinosaurs for the hundredth time? Do we need to be told every thought that crosses our children’s minds—and pretend that those insights are all so darn interesting?

Image courtesy of stockphoto/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Let me state emphatically that I do talk with my children, that I’m frequently amazed by their insights, suggestions, thoughts, and silliness. We enjoy hearing about their day at the dinner table—but we also have no problem telling them they are talking too much, that we don’t want to hear for the umpteenth time about their LEGO creation, and that we truly would rather talk about something other than baseball stats.

What I think we’ve lost as parents is the balance of things, the realization that our children aren't very interesting most of the time—and that’s okay, because they are only children. We’ve forgotten that childhood is messy, gross, and boring to grownups in a healthy way. We’ve become obsessed with our children to the point that we give them status and place beyond their years by paying close attention to all that they say and do, by always admiring their words and works, and by making them believe that everything they do is noteworthy of our complete and full attention.

During a recent conversation among mothers with children of various ages, one said, “Sometimes I crank up the radio just to not engage in conversation with my daughter about the movie Frozen. She talks about it nonstop, and it’s driving me crazy.” We all laughed, then I said, “I’d just tell her to stop talking about it, that I wasn’t going to be listening to her chatter on that subject for now.” Her reply? “I never thought about just telling her to stop talking. I thought I should always listen to everything she said.”

Her statement is typical of today’s parent—that we think we have to pay close attention and respond to our children’s chatter all of the time. We’ve forgotten what our grandmothers knew instinctively: That children talk too much and that they need to be taught to be good conversationalists. What we’re doing collectively as parents is teaching our children the exact opposite: how to be a bore.

If you want your child to learn how to be someone with whom others will enjoy conversing, try these tips:

Cut them off. When a child goes on and on about something he’s passionate about, you want to encourage that passion, but you also want him to realize that not everyone’s going to be as excited as he is about dinosaurs, for example. Help him realize when he’s talking too much about that topic by simply telling him it’s time to stop talking about it.

Show them how conversation works. Talking with someone is different than talking at someone. When a child dominates a conversation, they are not engaged in true conversation—they are talking at the other person, instead of with them. Gently redirect their talk to include other family members or friends. Help them one-on-one if necessary to say three things, then stop and ask a question of the other person.

Practice listening skills. Sometimes, a child will act bored around another sibling or friend who is talking about a topic that doesn’t interest her—but will expect complete enrapture when she has the floor to talk about her pet issue. Guide her in how to be a good listener, too. People want to talk more with others who truly listen than they do with someone who only wants to promote her agenda without regard to others.

So the next time you become bored with your children’s conversation, tell them gently, redirect the flow, and help them to become better at talking with, instead of talking at, others.

Until next time,

Sarah

Snow Day Suggestions

Here in Northern Virginia, we are experiencing yet again a "snow event," of which the weather people have surely dubbed something super cute and not-at-all accurate. Usually, such happenings trigger bouts of frenzy among parents, who somehow think it's their problem to entertain their children. (Hint, it's not!).

So unplug the screens and turn on the fun! To help keep the noise level to an acceptable level, here are five ideas for your kids to do on their own...most will involve their imaginations (which might need a jumpstart if they've been spending time on screen-based entertainment) and all should provide ways for them to work together to entertain themselves, leaving you to sip a hot beverage and relax with your own book on this snowy day.

Image courtesy of dan/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

1. Lights, Camera, Action! All kids love to show off--there must be a bit of the actor in us all. Have your kids write a one act play, practice it (with costumes, of course!), and then perform it in front of an audience (yes, that's you, but it's only a short time compared with the hours they'll spend coming up with the script and performance).

Jumpstart idea: Have them write the play based on a movie or book they've seen or read, instead of coming up with an original tale.

2. Read along. Have kids take turns reading from a favorite book. Make hot chocolate, encourage blankets and stuffed animals, and let them have the joy of sharing a good book.

Jumpstart idea: Read the first chapter or few pages aloud for them, and then hand it over to the kids to finish up.

3. Olympic Games. Your kids can have their own game marathon by playing board or card games. Have a round robin type of elimination. Or put out a few games, set a kitchen timer for half an hour, and have the kids rotate through the games.

Jumpstart idea: You can suggest which games would be good for all ages involved, and then step back to let them play.

4. Hide-and-Seek Hunt. The kids can modify hide-and-seek by taking turns hiding a stuffed animal, figurine or other small object. One kid hides the object while the others count. Variations: hiding a series of objects (large to small stuffed animals, for example) and playing a theme-based version (hiding a variety of cat stuffed animals, barnyard animals, action figures, etc.)

Jumpstart idea: You hide the object for the first time.

5. It's Their Party! Have them plan and enjoy their own Snow Day Party. They can make invitations, decide on indoor games (pin the nose on the snowman, drop cotton balls into a mason jar while leaning over the back of a straight-backed chair, etc.), devise party favors and make small treats (ice cream snow, snowman cookies, snow cones with real snow). Then throw the party and have fun!

Jumpstart idea: Give them a bit of help to start the ball rolling with game ideas.

Remember, imaginations keep kids entertained and happy longer than using electronic devices. Plus, you will be amazed at how creative they can be on their own.

Until next time,
Sarah

The Creativity of Boredom

With summer right around the corner, parents will soon hear cries of “I’m bored” from their children. But is being bored such a terrible thing?

Boredom is a relatively new thing, as children of previous centuries had not free time in which to be bored. In fact, if a medieval times child had displayed boredom symptoms, the person would be charged with committing “acedia, a ‘dangerous form of spiritual alienation’—a devaluing of the world and its creator.” Acedia was labeled as sin, what with all the things a family had to do for mere survival during that time period.

With the many labor-saving devices of our American households, most U.S. children have the luxury of free time, which they tend to fill with electronics. However, that constant stream of electronic stimuli has breed a new boredom epidemic, one that’s fueled by an ever-growing need of kids for constant electronic amusement, from video games to television and movies to Angry Birds to iPads and computers.

Parents are partly to blame for this new, negative form of a numbed mind because of their lack of tolerance for any whining from their children. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen toddlers in a grocery cart, their eyes fixed on the screen of their mom’s smartphone, oblivious to the world around them. At the first peep from a young child at the doctor’s office, out comes the smartphone and into the little hands goes the electronic babysitter.

Of course, we as parents are no different, are we? We numb our own minds with electronic stimuli all day long, from constant Facebook and Twitter checks, to texting while walking, driving, sitting at a traffic light, at the table, at the store, etc. It’s starting to be the exception when you see a grown-up in public who’s not tethered to a phone or tablet (that would be me!).

When our kids see us always being “entertained” and plugged in with electronic devices, it’s no wonder they beg for the same pacifier. We’ve forgotten how important the right kind of boredom can be to stimulate creativity and spurts of pure fun and genius.

There’s “an important distinction between a constructively bored mind and a negatively numbed mind. Constructively bored kids eventually turn to a book or build a fort or pull out the paints … and create or come home sweaty from a game of neighborhood basketball,” writes Richard Louv in his excellent call for kids to be outdoors, Last Child in the Woods.

This summer, I challenge you to unplug your kids for a week. No TV, no video games, no movies, no smartphones or computers or tablets. Just them and their world. Sure, the first day will be spent with them saying they have nothing to do, but if you persevere and don’t give in, soon they will find their imaginations again, and that will be a beautiful thing.

For non-electronic ideas, check out my ebook Boredom Busters. Only 99 cents on Kindle and iPad, Nook and other devices.

Until next time,

Sarah

(All quotes from Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv, pages 166 to 168.)