Book Review: A “Fail-Safe” Method for School Success

During a back-to-school night at our local elementary school, we visited our daughter’s fourth-grade classroom. There, along with our daughter’s classmates’ parents, we learned from her teacher what she would be doing in fourth grade that year.

The teacher started off her presentation by having us participate in a game she did some mornings to get her pupils engaged in learning about each other. The teacher would say a fact, and those to whom the same fact applied, would stand up. She started with, “I have a child in fourth grade,” and everyone stood up and replied, “Just like me.”

She gave a few more statements before she said, “I help my child with homework,” to which every single parent stood up—except for us. Of course, all eyes swiveled around to see who the miscreants were who didn’t—gasp!—help their child with homework. It was a moment of clarity that showed just how we as parents have bought into the notion that helping our children with homework was a necessary part of their schooling experience.

But, as John Rosemond points out in his new book, John Rosemond’s Fail-Safe Formula For Helping Your Child Succeed in School, exactly who is that helping? The conclusion Rosemond draws is that it isn’t the child.

He rightly points out that one underlying problem has infused all school-related troubles with an extra coating of confusion: “The average, middle-class American mom takes pretty much for granted that if her child fails to measure up to one standard or another—whether behavioral, social, or academic—that shortcoming is in some way indicative of a failing or inadequacy on her part” (emphasis his). Rosemond doesn’t belabor this point, one he’s made in other, more general parenting books, but it does bear repeating in this guidebook on school troubles, given that many times, our actions as parents compound the problem our children are having with schoolwork.

His chapter on homework is especially worth the price of the book, as he strips away the veneer of why we think homework is important (grades!) to reveal what he deems the Seven Hidden Values of Homework: Responsibility, autonomy, perseverance, time management, initiative, self-reliance and resourcefulness. Who know a simple math worksheet could accomplish so much?

The key to uncovering these values—and allowing our children to reap the full benefits of those values—is to empower our children to do their homework entirely on their own, with minimal (read: hardly any) assistance from parents.

Lest you think the book is all about homework, it isn’t. Rosemond tackles other school troubles, including how to correct school performance and classroom behaviors and why retention can be a good thing. Also helpful is the question-and-answer sections in each chapter that provide real-life examples and solutions.

Overall, this is a welcome update to his earlier Ending the Homework Hassle. However, I would caution that this isn’t for the faint of heart. If you’re serious about helping your child recover his own responsibility in the area of school, then Rosemond’s suggestions will provide a blueprint for accomplishing that. If you’re not, then you might be more alarmed than comforted by the no-nonsense and practical advice contained within these pages.

Personally, I hope more parents would find the courage to follow Rosemond’s advice and give the school work back to the child. After all, full ownership of a thing—be it homework or behavior—is the best way that a child learns to be resilient, self-confident and resourceful.

Loving the Unrepentant Child

Q: What do we do when our child refuses to be reconciled with you? In adult-to-adult relationships, each adult has the same responsibility to initiate reconciliation when conflict arises. But how does this apply to the parent-child relationship? For example, my teenage son has cursed at me, been outright rebellious, and has threatened to leave the house. Should the parent in such a situation take the initiative toward reconciliation, such as telling him I still love him despite his over-the-top misbehavior? Or do we wait for the child to humble himself and come to us?

A: This is a question as old as time itself. How do we as parents deal with a child who clearly has no desire to repair a relationship to which he has taken a sledge hammer?

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Let’s remember that the parent-child relationship is fraught with mistakes and outright messiness. The parent makes mistakes, the child makes mistakes. Emotions get out of control and things can slide downhill fast.

That said, we should try to model forgiveness and love as much as we can. That means, yes, we tell our children that we love them no matter what they do--because we do and we should. However, that doesn’t mean we don’t get annoyed, hurt, angered, or saddened by their behavior and choices, but it does mean that we love them as unconditionally as we can in our imperfect human state.

In your example, you should take the initiative for two reasons. One because you’re the adult and he’s the child (even as he nears adulthood), and two, because you’re his father. This isn’t to say you condone the behavior, but we have to be the ones to hold out the olive branch of forgiveness in order to make it easier for our children to ask for it. We should be the ones who try to heal the breach first because we need to show our children how to do that.

Most of the time, children of all ages find it difficult to be the one to take the first step toward righting a wrong. It’s not easily to be humble and apologetic in the best of circumstances. Throw in a fight with a parent, and that step could morph into an insurmountable mountain for a child to climb.

Of course, we pray that our children will see the wrongness of their actions, but in the end, it’s not up to us to convict their hearts—that’s the province of God--so we tell them we love them, we levy appropriate consequences when necessary, and we make the way back “home” not steep or rocky, but paved with love and forgiveness. 

Squelching the Wonder

Do we allow children time to find the magic in their surroundings or are we too impatient to move on to the next thing?

I hurried my kids along, tugging on their hands and urging them to keep up. We had a lot of road to travel and not enough daylight to do it in. No matter that the youngest two (both boys) wanted to stop to see the construction vehicles moving dirt at a worksite. No matter that the two oldest (both girls) wanted to gaze at a new flower bursting out of a sidewalk crack. We had things to do, places to go, people to see, and it all had to be done right this very minute.

Image courtesy of sritangphoto/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The sad part is the above scenario wasn’t uncommon in my life. Like many of us, I packed as much into one day as possible, leaving little wiggle room for stopping to smell the roses or see the first robin of spring.

I took little comfort in the fact that I wasn’t alone. Many of us have bought into the notion that to be idle is to be unproductive. We can’t stand to have a “free” moment, so we over-pack our schedules and we stress ourselves to the max by constantly doing, doing, doing. Busyness has become a status symbol. Always rushing around from one task to another. Constantly busy. On the job 24/7. As Americans, we’re busier than ever, filling our lives with constant motion and tasks to be accomplished.

We don’t just do that for ourselves—we do that for our children too. Then everyone ends up all feeling so overwhelmed by our lengthy and never-ending to-do lists. We’ve fallen into the trap of over-scheduling, over-doing and over-committing our time and resources.

And in the midst of our extreme busyness, we forget that to be constantly busy means more than having no free time. It also means we pass through life as if on a fast train, everything outside of our small world a blur without form.

When we suck our children into our busyness, we do more than slash their playtime. We also severely limit their imaginations. In short, being overly busy with little downtime squelches the wonder.

The wonder to take a few minutes to watch the worm wiggle across the sidewalk. The wonder to watch the giant excavator scoop up a load of dirt and drop it into a dump truck. The wonder to gaze at the puffy clouds and see a unicorn or dragon. The wonder to lay back on the warm grass and trace the contrail streams left by airplanes high in the sky. The wonder to let a mind drift into that magical realm of what-if that allows children—and adults—to dream the dreams that sometimes change the world.

I’m thankful I realized sooner rather than later that my hurrying to the next thing wasn’t always in the best interest of myself or my children. Now, while some weeks are more packed than others, I deliberately try to work in extra time on a regular basis so that when opportunities arise that demand a moment of exploration or investigation, we can take that time. My kids won’t always want to examine a tree’s peeling bark or gaze at an interesting display in a store window, so while they still do, I will try to help them take advantage of the situation.

Until next time,

Sarah

The Irony of Homework

Like it (parents) or not (students), homework has become an ingrained part of the school landscape. At its very basic level, homework reinforces what students are learning in class and gives teachers a quick check to see if their pupils understand the material.

While homework has been around since the introduction of public schooling in America, the homework of the early 20th century looks much different from the homework of the 21st century—and I’m not talking about the actual worksheets and problems, although that has undergone a metamorphosis of sorts as well.

What has changed is the fundamental understanding of homework. It used to be understood by all—teachers, parents, pupils—that homework was the sole responsibility and domain of students to whom it was assigned. Nowadays, homework involves not only the student but his parents as well—all with the full support and encouragement of teachers.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

For one of many examples I could cite from our children’s teachers at the local public elementary school (and let me state that we think the teachers are doing a bang-up job teaching our kids overall), take a look at this recent note from my second grader’s teacher:

“Some students are still not writing down the books they read at home or having a parent sign their planner. This is part of their homework, so please help your child remember to do this every night.”

Now read it again and see if you can catch the irony in that simple request from teacher to parents. Here’s the words and phrases that jumped out at me: their homework, that is, the students’ work. Then, please help your child remember, that is, the parents need to help their child remember the child’s homework.

Let’s return to the matter of whose homework is it: The child’s, of course. So why does the teacher request that the parents get involved with helping the student do his own homework? If the child is supposed to be learning to be responsible for his own homework—which is the goal of this entire planner thing, in which the kids write down their homework each day—then how is a parent reminding the child going to help the child learn that responsibility?

The short answer is that it’s not. And the more we as parents “help” our children “remember” their own homework, the more our children will “forget” to do the work (or even how to do the work). I guarantee that every parent who reminds their second grader to write down the book they read and to bring the planner to a parent for a signature will still be reminding that same child until the end of the school year. That kind of “help” is not going to make our kids progress to the point where they don’t need our assistance.

In other words, if we don’t put the onus of remembering homework in the first place and if we don’t allow our children to turn in incomplete work or imperfect work, we are essentially creating an dependence on others for work that by its very definition should be completed, alone, by the child. If the child really doesn’t understand the material, then the teacher needs to know that. If the child can’t “remember” to have a planner signed by a parent, then the teacher needs to know that too—and grade accordingly.

Our second grader has a rather spotty record on the planner signing and book title writing down in planner. We knew that teacher’s note was talking about our second grader (and probably others in the class as well). However, we simply said only, “Your teacher said you are not writing down the book titles and having us sign your planner.” That’s it. We didn’t remind the second grader every day to do this. We didn’t hound the second grader to get this down. We put the responsibility firmly in his hands and let him sink or swim on his own. He has improved his performance in this area, which wouldn’t have been the case had we gotten involved and started shouldering the responsibility for his planner.

How do you handle homework—and is that way working for you and your kids?

Until next time,

Sarah

Who Motivates Whom?

Q: My 9-year-old son (a triplet) is in third grade (as is his sister and brother). Lately, his grades have declined into Bs and Cs. All of his teachers say that his behavior in class is the reason for the drop in grades, which is that he struggles to stay focused on class work (they even mentioned the possibility that he might have ADD). At a recent meeting with his teachers, we all agreed to work together on his behavior: They will let me know if he isn’t meeting expectations behavior-wise at school, while I will enforce consequences at home.

If he’s not interested in something, he barely puts any effort into it and won’t stay on task. He’s the same with chores as he is with school work. Two months ago, I removed all video games but that has ceased to motivate him. Currently, I make him study for 45 minutes to an hour each school night, but he only puts in minimal effort. His teachers say he’s smart, and with focus, I think he could get straight As. What suggestions do you have to motivate him to do better in school?

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/

FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: The simple answer is that he won’t be motivated to do better in school until he has a “reason” to do so. As you say, he's simply not interested in doing what he is capable of doing. You don’t say what behaviors he exhibits in school other than he seems unfocused on his work.

However, he won’t become motivated himself as long as you’re “making” him study for 45 minutes to an hour each night. Why are you involved so much in his homework? Until you give him complete control over his school work and homework, he will not care one iota about it. He knows that you are more concerned about his grades than he is.

Being in third grade means there’s plenty of time for him to get himself in gear academically. But--and this is a huge but--you and his teachers have to be prepared to let him sink or swim on his own.

Have a meeting with his teachers. Say you appreciate their concern, but that you think--and they have backed you up on this by saying that he’s capable of doing the work--your son needs complete ownership of his third-grade work. State that you will no longer be making sure he does his homework, that you expect the teachers to give him the grade his work deserves, and that you are fully prepared for him to repeat third grade if his effort falls short of the benchmark. Be prepared for shock and perhaps dismay, but stand firm. Also expect that he might repeat third grade if he completely flubs the rest of the year.

Tell your son that you’re sorry for your over-involvement in what is his domain—his school work—and that from now on, you are going to let him handle his homework, projects, tests, etc. You will be available for any questions, but his school work is his business and his alone. Add that you have informed his teachers that you fully support whatever grade your son’s work deserves, and that you also support his repeating third grade if his performance at school doesn’t turn around.

Then stop talking about it. Let him tell you about his day, but don’t ask about his homework, etc. (and this should encompass his siblings as well--you don’t need to be involved in their school work or homework, either!). When report cards come home, meet with each child individually to talk about the grades in a FYI-type manner.

Remember, repeating third grade isn’t the end of the world, especially since you are giving your son a lesson that will last a lifetime—that he is responsible for his own actions, whether that be behavior or school work. That’s a lesson worth learning on his own.

Are Your Kids Entitled?

Are we raising a generation of entitled children? One recent blog post, “Seven Emotions That Follow a Sense of Entitlement,” talks about what emotions entitled youth feel—and how these sinister attitudes have crept into our homes and beyond.

The blog’s author, Tim Elmore, posited that anger, impatience, cynicism, resentment, criticism, ingratitude and disappointment are all byproducts of feeling entitled. Here are some questions to ask to see if you’re raising entitled children—and what to do to change the course.

• Are your children (not toddlers!) angry most of the time?
• Are your children impatient most of the time?
• Are your children cynical most of the time?
• Are your children resentful most of the time?
• Are your children cynical most of the time?
• Are your children ungrateful most of the time?
• Are your children disappointment most of the time?

Image courtesy of Clare Bloomfield/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

If you answered yes to one or more of those questions, then you have entitled children. To change that, you must help them change their attitude. Here are some tips on how to accomplish that.

Delay gratification. Whenever possible, make your child wait for whatever it is he is dying to have or do. For example, don’t give your child a snack 30 minutes before dinner just because he’s starving. Waiting a half hour to eat isn’t going to kill him, but it can strengthen his patience.

Ban complaining. No one likes to be around someone who constantly complains, yet we allow our children to whine about things all day long without correcting them. Start with something small, like no complaining at the dinner table, then add other topics. When you stop the grumbling in one zone, you’ll be surprised at how much it will decrease in other areas.

Highlight blessings. Most of us have more to be thankful for than we act like, so taking time as a family to list those blessings is a great antidote to ungratefulness. One idea is the Blessings Jar, where family members are encouraged to jot down ways for which they are grateful and drop it in the jar. Once a week or so, the family gathers to read the blessings.

Acknowledge, but don’t wallow in, disappointments. We all suffer disappointments from time to time, and so do our children. However, while we should commiserate with them, we shouldn’t allow them to obsess about a disappointment. For example, giving a hug and telling your teen that it is, indeed, a terrible thing that she didn’t get the part in the play is a good thing for a parent to do. But continually rehashing the disappointment and reliving that moment isn’t healthy, so we need to help our kids deal with the hurt and move on with their lives in a positive way.

These are just some of the ways to curb that sense of entitlement in our kids that can creep up on all of us.

Until next time,

Sarah

Winding Up, Crashing Down

Q: My six-year-old daughter has had crazy mood swings lately, especially around the holidays. She’s well-behaved during school. But at events around family, which includes cousins she plays nicely with, she’ll come home and simply not calm down. If anything, her behavior spirals quickly out of control into hyperactivity. For example, one time when we got home just past her regular bedtime, she couldn’t brush her teeth—just kept jumping around the bathroom, blurting out silly things and laughing. When my husband threatened to punish her, her “happy” mood dissolved into tears and uncontrollable crying. What can we do to prevent this cycle from continuing the next time we’re around family or friends?

A: It sounds to me like your daughter has stimuli overload. At school, she behaves but lets it all hang out at home. Super-charged events, like holidays and family gatherings, can wind some kids up until they just lose control over their actions, hence the silliness in the bathroom. For example, one of my kids gets very upset in situations where he/she doesn’t know what to do or where to go. I have to remind myself of his/her tendency and respond to his/her initial frustration expressions more calmly, as well as provide assistance in helping the child overcome the situation, such as with calming techniques or permission to sit alone with a book for a bit to regroup.

That doesn't mean we excuse bad behavior, but that we understand that he/she is one of those kids who gets wired in certain situations. That understanding can help us parents know how to handle it and also help the child learn how to gain control in similar circumstances.

Image courtesy of stock images/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So for your daughter, it might be better if you had let her skip the tooth-brushing and physically assisted her get in her pajamas that evening. A story with the lights down low and snuggling close with you or your husband as you read would help as well, or perhaps a story told or favorite song sung as she lay in bed in the dark.

Just knowing she would likely come home all wired up will help you and your husband to respond in quieter and calmer tones, which should, in turn, help her to unwind more. You might consider bringing PJs to such events and having her change before you leave if you know it will be late when you get home. That way, you can play soothing music in the car on the way home and pop her in bed immediately (skipping one night of brushing her teeth every once in a while won’t hurt her). You could also just plan on leaving earlier so that she has time to unwind before her regular bedtime.

When she comes home from school, help her make the transition between school and home. Let her run around the outside of the house six times (or up and down the sidewalk X times) or jump on a mini-trampoline for X minutes. Any activity to help her get some of her energy redirected in physical activity can help calm her brain.

Whatever you do, don’t give her electronics on school days as many studies have shown electronics of any sort can wind up kids' brains. Avoid high-sugar foods as snacks, too; instead, try fruit and/or cheese for a quick snack after school. Get some books or other children’s audio CDs from the library and let her listen to one in her room directly after supper to wind down for the night. Some good ones are the Rabbit Ears collections of fairy tales, world tales and folk tales--very excellent!--and the History of the World CD sets.

Above all, stay as calm as you can and do what you can to help her develop her own way of handling those transitions and stimuli. 

A Mom’s Confession: Sometimes, My Children Bore Me

When you’re pregnant with your first child, everyone tells you how wonderful it will be when he or she arrives into the world. “You’ll enjoy every minute of time with this child, with whom you’ll want to spend more and more and more time.”

On the one hand, this is totally true. That precious little bundle of joy (and poop and spit-up) tugs at your heart in a way unlike anything you’ve experienced previously. This is the love that drives you out of bed when the infant cries, gives you grace to clean up yet another mess, and ensures that the child survives into adulthood—despite driving you sometimes crazy in the process.

But, on the other hand, that statement is totally not true. We joke about longing to be stranded on a desert island with a good book, a glass of wine, and nary a kid in sight. What we don’t even joke about is the fact that sometimes children can be downright boring and demanding. We can’t say that because it sounds so horrible, that these little people we’re raising—and that we love to pieces—are not great conversationalists most of the time. Sure, sometimes, they say something quite cute and interesting. But do I really want to hear all about how to play the Treasure Island game my second grader learned in PE that morning? Do I need to be fully engaged in a conversation about dinosaurs for the hundredth time? Do we need to be told every thought that crosses our children’s minds—and pretend that those insights are all so darn interesting?

Image courtesy of stockphoto/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Let me state emphatically that I do talk with my children, that I’m frequently amazed by their insights, suggestions, thoughts, and silliness. We enjoy hearing about their day at the dinner table—but we also have no problem telling them they are talking too much, that we don’t want to hear for the umpteenth time about their LEGO creation, and that we truly would rather talk about something other than baseball stats.

What I think we’ve lost as parents is the balance of things, the realization that our children aren't very interesting most of the time—and that’s okay, because they are only children. We’ve forgotten that childhood is messy, gross, and boring to grownups in a healthy way. We’ve become obsessed with our children to the point that we give them status and place beyond their years by paying close attention to all that they say and do, by always admiring their words and works, and by making them believe that everything they do is noteworthy of our complete and full attention.

During a recent conversation among mothers with children of various ages, one said, “Sometimes I crank up the radio just to not engage in conversation with my daughter about the movie Frozen. She talks about it nonstop, and it’s driving me crazy.” We all laughed, then I said, “I’d just tell her to stop talking about it, that I wasn’t going to be listening to her chatter on that subject for now.” Her reply? “I never thought about just telling her to stop talking. I thought I should always listen to everything she said.”

Her statement is typical of today’s parent—that we think we have to pay close attention and respond to our children’s chatter all of the time. We’ve forgotten what our grandmothers knew instinctively: That children talk too much and that they need to be taught to be good conversationalists. What we’re doing collectively as parents is teaching our children the exact opposite: how to be a bore.

If you want your child to learn how to be someone with whom others will enjoy conversing, try these tips:

Cut them off. When a child goes on and on about something he’s passionate about, you want to encourage that passion, but you also want him to realize that not everyone’s going to be as excited as he is about dinosaurs, for example. Help him realize when he’s talking too much about that topic by simply telling him it’s time to stop talking about it.

Show them how conversation works. Talking with someone is different than talking at someone. When a child dominates a conversation, they are not engaged in true conversation—they are talking at the other person, instead of with them. Gently redirect their talk to include other family members or friends. Help them one-on-one if necessary to say three things, then stop and ask a question of the other person.

Practice listening skills. Sometimes, a child will act bored around another sibling or friend who is talking about a topic that doesn’t interest her—but will expect complete enrapture when she has the floor to talk about her pet issue. Guide her in how to be a good listener, too. People want to talk more with others who truly listen than they do with someone who only wants to promote her agenda without regard to others.

So the next time you become bored with your children’s conversation, tell them gently, redirect the flow, and help them to become better at talking with, instead of talking at, others.

Until next time,

Sarah

Bang, Bang! Toy Guns and Boys

Q: Should boys be allowed to play with toy guns of any sort? If so, can they point the gun at each other and shoot someone else? Play dead when shot? What guidelines do you recommend for teaching them how to play with toy guns? My sons keep asking for them and I’m not sure how to respond.

Image courtesy of artur84/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: If you have a boy, chances are pretty good that he’s shot, stabbed, lasered or otherwise tried to kill you, the family dog, the chair, or his younger sibling with some sort of weapon. Said weapon could be anything from a finger, a stick, LEGOs or a stuffed animal. Frankly, I don’t know how you prevent shooting and playing dead among children, especially boys, even without an actual toy gun in a child’s hand.

We’re asking the wrong questions when we fret about whether or not a toy gun of some sort will somehow be harmful to our kids. Instead, we should focus on what’s going on in their own hearts when they play or interact with others. Is the play mean-spirited or fun for all involved? A boy who shoots his sister with his toy cap gun, for example, could be perfectly loving toward her on most occasions, except when she’s the bank robber and he’s the sheriff.

Video games and movies have more potential for desensitizing kids to violence than playing with a toy gun. Rather than worrying about whether they play with toy guns (or pretend to knife, slash or shoot others with pretend weapons), we should concentrate on helping them treat others with kindness and respect most of the time (because no one can be perfect all the time!).

Our homes should have a general atmosphere of love and not anger with siblings that respect and love one another most of the time. If our focus is on the intangibles of our children’s relationships with each other, then what toys they have won’t matter as much--because in the end, it’s not the toy that causes the distress, it’s the child who wields it.

The Gift Question

Q: How do we handle grandparents and other relatives/friends who want to buy our kids things that we’d rather our kids not have, such as electronics, which we restrict most of the time at home. We don’t want to monitor their usage of an electronic device we didn’t want them to have anyway. I know they are well-intentioned, but our kids would be as happy with a gift card to the local bookstore. What are your suggestions for how to approach this topic?

A: One Christmas when our oldest was around five or six, one of my sisters gave her a Care Bear “exercise” doll that stood on its own and moved up and down, saying things like, “Exercise is great!” and “Let’s get physical,” a la Olivia Newton John’s hit song. Now, I knew by this sister’s wicked gleam in her eye that she figured the Care Bear wouldn’t go over so well with my husband or me. Yes, that bear was very annoying but I decided to see how it played out with my daughter.

Image courtesy of Keerati/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sure enough, the first forty-eight hours were pure agony hearing that bear’s squeaky voice talk about getting physical. But a funny thing happened once the newness of the bear’s animatronics wore off. My daughter tried to play with it as a regular doll, but it was too stiff “at rest,” so the bear was soon left behind, un-played with and lonely in the toy box. A month after that, I was able to quietly remove the bear and put it in our yard sale box. My daughter never missed it.

Sometimes, the gift that we dread our children receiving ends up not being a big deal after all. Other times, we do have to step in to curtail usage. You won’t know which you’ll have to do until the gift is given.

However, that doesn’t mean you don’t have a conversation with your relatives about toys. Don’t begin it with “We don’t allow…” or end it with “so please don’t buy them that.” Instead, talk about what your kids do like to do. Mention how much fun they have spending time with grandparents, aunts and uncles. When asked about gifts, you could suggest replacing another toy with a one-on-one outing with the relative. I know my own children have relished birthday gifts that were simply an outing with their grandmother or aunt and uncle, such as a trip to the circus or ballet. The outing itself doesn’t have to be spectacular—keep in mind that some of our best memories are from the small things in life, like an ice cream cone while walking around the neighborhood or a drive through a park to look at Christmas lights.

Also help your children develop their own wish lists that are reasonable and practical. For example, we remind our children that nothing on their list should cost more than $30, as that helps keep their greed in check and is respectful of others’ finances.

And for those gifts that don’t meet parental approval? Let them play with it, but put the same restrictions on it that you would have if you had purchased it. Remember that the relatives are likely only thinking of your child and are not out to undermine your parental authority. Always assume the best intentions unless you have hard evidence otherwise—and enjoy the blessings of having family who care enough to bestow gifts on your children. (Don’t forget to have those children write prompt thank-you notes, too.)

Say No to Your Kids

By Dinah Bucholz

Say no to your kids? That’s not what I was taught in a positive parenting class. No was the answer only if I had a really good reason. Therefore, my default answer should be yes. Saying no to your kids defies the conventional wisdom, which holds that saying no is negative, and who wants to be negative?

Unfortunately, that is one of the worst pieces of parenting advice ever. Hearing no frequently—and a lot more often than they hear yes—is good for kids.

Being often denied what they want builds character. It teaches kids to delay gratification. It teaches them to be grateful. It protects them from turning into spoiled brats. Most of all, it teaches them to say no to themselves, the most important no of all.

Image courtesy of zirconicusso/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Saying no only works if your child knows you mean it. Therefore, when you say no, stick to it. If you say no and then give in, your child will learn that no doesn’t really mean no. No means that if he whines some more—and throws in a tantrum for good effect—that no will eventually transform into yes.

But what if you say no, then you’re sorry you said no?

Let’s be honest: A parent only feels guilty about a hasty no when the child reacts. Imagine if you tell your child, “No, you can’t have a cookie now.” And your child says cheerfully, “Okay!” and runs back outside to play. Are you going to call him back and say, “Oh, you know what? I changed my mind! You can have the cookie after all.” Of course not. You won’t give it a second thought.

But if your child starts to whine, “I’m so hungry. Just one cookie. Just one, please? Please let me have just one! I promise I’ll eat my whole dinner. Please? Please can I have a cookie?” And on and on. That’s when you’ll start thinking, “What’s the harm in just one cookie? Why did I even say no to that?” That’s when you start second-guessing your decisions and ultimately reversing them. You must realize that the only reason you regret your decision is that it made your child uncomfortable.

Being denied more than being fulfilled teaches kids gratitude, because they stop expecting to receive whatever they ask for and don’t take things for granted as much as kids who get what they want most of the time. In the end, the less you give your kids, the better off they are. Teaching your child to delay gratification will serve him well in life. If you tell your child he can’t have the cookie now, he has to have dinner first; he can’t go out to play, he has to do his chores first, you are setting him up for success.

One of the best things about children not getting what they want when they want it is what it does to their character: they simply will not be spoiled brats. Some children seem to be incorruptible—no matter how much they are given, they remain sweet and unselfish. They happen not to be my kids.

Save your children from this terrible fate by saying no often and sticking to it. Say it with confidence. Say it loud and say it proud!

Dinah Bucholz is a New York Times bestselling author and a relationship coach specializing in marriage and parenting. After trying to apply all the famous liberal parenting methods out there and utterly failing, Dinah transformed her crazy and chaotic family through the methods of John Rosemond’s Leadership Parenting Institute.

A Sorry Battle

Q: My 4-year-old daughter has begun to stop saying “sorry” recently. Here’s an example:

Child throws a toy and hits Mom

Mom says: “Ouch!”

Child stares silently at Mom.

Mom says: “That hurt Mommy. Are you sorry?”

Child shouts: “No!”

Mom says: “When we accidentally hurt people, we apologize and say we’re sorry.”

Child responds: “I will NOT apologize, Mommy!”

Mom says: “Okay, you are going to stay in your room and think about how you hurt Mommy. You can come out when you are sorry.”

Child cries, goes to room and comes out 3 minutes later.

Mom says: “Are you sorry?”

Child says: “No!”

We go back and forth for 10 to 15 minutes until she will finally say she’s sorry. I’m tired of fighting with her on this. Is this a phase and will it pass?

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: Whether this is a phase or not, this will only end when you stop playing the game. More than 90 percent of the time, children don’t “feel” sorry—that’s something they need to be taught. You’ve been clouding the issue somewhat by advocating that she only apologize when she feels sorry by asking her if she’s sorry.

That approach has led to a battle over whether or not she will say she’s sorry, and it’s become one that is taking its toll on you both. So, let’s forget about the “sorry” business for a while and focus on the real issue at hand: her disobedience. You can help curb that by changing the way you talk to her.

First, stop asking her if she’s sorry. Start telling her that she needs to apologize. Practice this when she’s not done something for which she needs to apologize. For example, in our house, we have the child (or adult—goes both ways!) to say exactly why they are apologizing, as in, “I’m sorry I threw a toy that hit you” instead of just “I’m sorry.”

Second, when she refuses to apologize, simply send her to her room for the rest of the day without her favorite things, then to bed directly after an early supper. The catch is that even when she wants to apologize after being sent to her room, you must accept the apology and still enforce the punishment. You want to avoid sending the message that if she says she’s sorry, she will get out of the consequences for her actions.

Yes, this may appear to be an over-reaction, but you need to send a message that obedience is expected the first time and that apologizing is important. Nipping this in the bud will keep it from mushrooming into an even bigger problem, of which you’ve just begun to see with her current behavior.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

The Truth About Strangers

If there's one thing that's been drilled into my children from school safety lessons is that talking to strangers is about the worst possible thing they can do. In our quest to make our children "safer," we've essentially cut off our nose to spite our face with this bit of nonsense.

Telling our kids not to talk to strangers can make them afraid of everyone they meet--and instill in them that the world is indeed a scary place. It turns our children into unfriendly people who daren’t say hello to a grownup they don’t know. I’ve had to remind my children in all kinds of places that to reply to a compliment or comment from an unknown adult is okay, that it doesn’t hurt anyone to talk, especially when I’m standing right beside them.

Image courtesy of fotographic1980/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Talking never hurt anyone, and I think our fear of our kids talking to strangers stems from the fact that we think a conversation will draw our children into a situation that isn’t safe. So to stop that potential scenario from happening, we decide to nix all talking to people they don’t know.

But that can backfire because the fact of the matter is, most strangers are perfectly fine and nice people, willing to lend a hand if needed and definitely not about to do something mean or dangerous to our children.

Instead of telling our children not to talk to strangers, we should instead tell them the following info:

1.     Your father and I would never send a stranger to pick you up, no exceptions ever. Designate a few grownups that you would send, such as relatives or close friends. Tell your kids who those people would be. For example, someone from our church that our kids know well is on the school emergency call list. I remind my children each school year that she has my permission to pick them up from school in case of an emergency.

2.     You are never to go anywhere, even down the street, with a stranger or other grownup, without our permission. If an adult asks—even a neighbor or family friend—make sure your child knows to come ask you first.

3.     You should never get into any vehicle with a stranger or grownup without our permission.

4.     If a stranger or other adult tries to grab you, you should scream as loud as you can and run away. That is not the time to worry about appearances—instill in your kids that you want them to yell and run in that situation.

5.     If they feel uncomfortable, it’s okay for them to simply leave the grownup’s presence and tell us immediately what happened. Yes, we want our children to be polite, but we also want them to learn to heed their instinct when it comes to their comfort level.

6.     Have them memorize their phone number and address. Review that info with them regularly.

Role play these various scenarios with your children until they are comfortable with those situations. Remind your children that the chances of something bad happening to them are very slim, but it’s good to be prepared. Also remind them that most grownups, even strangers, are nice people with no intention of harming them.

This type of preparation will help your children be better prepared to face life’s unexpected circumstances while also empowering them with the tools they need to interact with the world in general. Let’s stop telling our children that everyone we don’t know is a potential danger, and instead start equipping them with how to meet real danger if they encounter it.

Until next time,

Sarah

The Babification of Our Children

One of the outcomes of an overprotective parenting style is that we keep our kids in an infantile state for longer and longer. Don’t believe me? Consider these examples.

• In the late 1950s, nearly every child (92%) were potty trained by the age of 18 months. Today, a mere 4% of 2-year-olds are toilet trained and 60% of 3-year-olds are not in diapers.
• Last century, mothers tossed the pacifiers around age 1. Now, it’s not uncommon to see toddlers walking around with binkies stuck in their mouths.
• The rise of sippy cups have delayed the time when toddlers learned to drink from an open cup. Mothers used to transition their babies from bottle to cup around a year or so. Today, it’s not unusual to see preschoolers touting around sippy cups.
• Children ride in strollers a lot longer, too.

Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

These are just some ways in which we parents are conspiring to keep our children as baby-like as possible. We also underestimate how much our children are capable of doing on their own. Chores are a great example of this. A few years ago, when I posted on this blog a list of chores my kids did, the responses ranged from disbelief to amazement.

The thing we tend to forget is that our children aren’t going to walk as far as we do, drink from an open cup without spilling sometimes, or console themselves perfectly. Children are not miniature adults—they are unformed adults. As they are in the process of becoming adults, they are going to make mistakes and have to learn how to do things, from feeding themselves to tying their shoes to washing clothes.

What we need to remember is that they can do a lot more than we think—and to give them the chance to make mistakes while they acquire the skills needed as adults. It’s much better to expect too much of our children than to expect too little.

I’m often pleasantly surprised at what my kids can do for themselves. It’s usually more than I thought. Sure, things might get messy, but nobody promised you a pristine house or perfect children.

So let’s all work together to stop babying our kids. You can start by upping their chores and responsibilities. I think you’ll be amazed at what your kids can do—and how grownup they’ll feel when they do it on their own.

Until next time,

Sarah

Late Talker

Q: Our 27-month-old son is a late talker, only saying a few words. His hearing appears to be fine (and he’s never had any ear infections). His lack of speech has me more concerned. Should I worry or wait it out?

A. Most children develop speech in one of three ways: by babbling, by babbling and thinking, and by thinking. The babblers make all their grammatical and speech “mistakes” out in the open. You hear every new sound and word all the time, from wrong pronunciations to grammar mishaps. Babblers let their language development all hang out, so to speak.

Image courtesy of photostock/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The middle ground group does a mixture of babbling and pondering what the grammar rules are before speaking. Sometimes, this group will try out new sounds out loud, while other times, these kids will figure it out in their heads before saying a word.

The quiet ones in the last group are the kids that most parents find somewhat troubling in that they rarely talk at all until suddenly they’re using full sentences. These are the kids who want to know all the rules about language that they can before uttering more than a few words—and thus scaring their parents half to death with their quietness.

By around age 5, all three groups usual arrive at the same level of proficiency in their native tongues. Or, as the Introduction to Language textbook put it, “Five-year-old children are almost as proficient at speaking and understanding as are their parents.”

It sounds like you might have a “thinker” who wants to figure out the rules before speaking too much. As long as he seems to follow instructions, understand what you're saying, and communicates what he needs, you probably have nothing to worry about.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

Cavities and Responsibility

During a recent trip to the dentist, the hygienist said that one of my sons needed to brush his teeth a bit more. No big surprise there, as I have my suspicions as to his (along with his siblings’) brushing habits. But the way she phrased the comment words showed, once again, society’s expectations of parental involvement: “You (as in me, the parent) need to make sure he brushes his teeth, especially the two in the front.”

Now, whose teeth did she refer? My son’s. In whose mouth do those teeth reside? Again, my son’s. So who should have the care of those teeth? You guess it! My son. And who will suffer the consequences of not brushing? My son.

Image courtesy of photostock/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Therefore, why is it suddenly my responsibility to make sure my son brushes his teeth when he is perfectly capable of doing so? My mother certainly didn’t brush my teeth at his age, no matter what the dentist might have told her.

I brushed my teeth probably as well as the next kid, and possibly a little bit better, given my terror of having a cavity. (Should I admit I’m still terrified of having a cavity filled? Should I also admit that it’s mainly because I’ve never had a cavity? Probably not. Would just invoke tooth envy….)

Somehow most of us survived into adulthood with our teeth intact and in fairly good shape from our irregular brushing habits as children. Our parents may have reminded us from time to time to brush our teeth, but I seriously doubt any of them stood in the bathroom doorway and watched us brush—or taken the toothbrush from our sticky hands and did it for us.

But what if he gets a cavity because he didn’t do a good enough job? Well, then, he’ll face the natural consequences of his decision to blow off brushing or he’ll end up with more cavities.

Some parents would find that line of thinking appalling—that I would let my child suffer the pain and agony of a cavity because I didn’t brush his teeth or stand over him to ensure he did a good job of it himself. To those people, I say, where does it end? When do I step back as a parent and let the child do things for himself? To fail or succeed on his own two feet?

We don’t want our children to fail, whether it’s a cavity or a test. Others, from teachers to dental hygienists, have picked up on that and now talk directly to parents about the parental role should be.

The only way to change this climate of collusion is for parents to stop asking what they can do and to stop doing for their children things that should be their children’s responsibility.

And if you’re wondering whether I’m overseeing my son’s teeth brushing, the answer is no. I reminded him of what the dentist said and then left him alone in the bathroom with his toothbrush.

Until next time,

Sarah

An Unruly Child

Q: Our 5-year-old son has been very defiant of late, and has taken to hitting, punching or kicking his siblings or us whenever he’s upset or angry. We’ve tried time-outs in his room, but he’s so angry that he has destroyed toys and other things in his room. He’s our middle child (three year old and eight year old). Now he’s started yelling that he hates us. What can we do to get our kind little boy back?

A. Ah, welcome to the world of defiance! One of my children (who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty) went through a similar phase around that age. However, that doesn’t mean his behavior isn’t unacceptable or that he can’t control himself. At this point, however, he doesn’t WANT to control himself because it’s much more satisfying for him to throw the household into chaos with his rants. Remember, too, that his words are not necessarily his real feelings, as I’m sure your reaction to him saying he hates you is partially fueling repeats of that particular phrase. So don’t take his rantings personally.

To help him change his behavior, I recommend a two-fold approach. First, institute Tickets. Give him four or five tickets per day that will be lost if he does one of up to three targeted behaviors (just focus on the top two or three misbehaviors for now). Then when he does one of the targeted behaviors, simply say in a calm voice, "That's a ticket," remove one ticket and go on with your day. When he loses all tickets, he’s confined to his room (with his toys removed) and put to bed directly after an early supper.

Second, spend one-on-one time with all of your children on as regular a basis as fits with your family. For example, in our family, my husband and I take turns taking one child out to breakfast every other week. The schedule is posted on the fridge and each child knows when his or her turn is coming up. This has helped calm things in our household and gives Mom and Dad a chance to connect  with each child without the distractions of the others.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

The Motivation Express

In the business world, motivation has been a hot topic of late, and companies are spending a lot of time and money on figuring out how to motivate their employees to work better and smarter, and how to motivate their clients or customers to spend more and support the business more.

All this motivation talk has filtered down to families, with parents now concerned with how to motivate their children to do well in school, to do chores around the house, to practice an instrument or sport, etc. Many times, moms and dads think that motivation has to do with rewards--the proverbial dangling carrot--and so offer a lot of quid pro quo scenarios, as in:

If you clean your room, we'll go get ice cream.

If you get an A on your science test, I'll give you $20.

Image courtesy of Tom Curtis/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

But what that type of motivating will quickly stall because of the Saturation Principle, which basically says each child reaches a certain point with a reward system in which the reward is no longer enough to motivate the child to a particular behavior. In other words, $20 for an A on a science test might work for the first one or two tests, but then the child will need a bigger incentive to do the same thing $20 previously "bought." Or a clean room would soon need a triple fudge sundae as reward when a plain vanilla cone used to be enough.

What the rewards-based motivation parent fails to realize is that a child needs to learn to do something for that something's own sake, not for the carrot dangled in front of him. The old maxim A job well done is its own reward has a lot of truth in it, one that should be taught to children and should be lived out in our lives as adults.

The fact is, there are many jobs and tasks that we have to do because they need doing--housecleaning, cooking, shopping for groceries, etc.--most of those are pretty non-glamorous and rather boring for many of us. If we teach our children that any work must be rewarded as a way to motivate them to complete the task, then how will they learn to find the inner will to do things as adults when there is no longer an enticing carrot being offered for cleaning their room?

As I tell my kids, do the job, task, homework sheet, test, etc., to the best of your ability with a cheerful heart. Sure, sometimes there will be a special treat after a particular thing has been accomplished. We did celebrate with ice cream when the end-of-the-year testing was completed at school, for example. But most of the time, we expect our children to do well without an outside reward, and sometimes, they surprise us with how well they do the task at hand (sometimes, we're not surprised when the job has to be redone because of haste!).

Use rewards as motivation sparingly, and you'll be helping your children to find their own inner motivation.

Until next time,
Sarah

Parenting Basics: The Look

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

I well remember “The Look” my mother would give when one of us was not behaving ourselves as we should. It’s hard to describe, but once you saw it, you knew trouble would follow unless you straightened up.

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Have you cultivated such a look? I think that many of today’s parents can’t summon such a look anymore than their children would obey it. A few reasons why come to mind.

First, many of today’s parents are too busy trying to keep up with everything to notice when a child’s behavior is about to veer into misbehaving territory. That’s really what The Look is all about—assessing the near-danger and correcting it.

Second, many parents have chucked such old fashioned parenting skills as The Look in favor of more kid-friendly, warm-and-fuzzy methods that often involve more concern about a child’s feelings than is good for the child. To them, The Look belongs in a museum along with other parental advice relicts discussed in my Parenting Basics blogs.

Third, many parents haven’t laid the proper foundation of saying what they mean and meaning what they say, so having a Look won’t do them any good—the children simply wouldn’t obey anyway.

But from personal experience, having The Look comes in handy in so many ways. It allows you to not interrupt your conversation with grownups to address a potential dustup with your child. Just shoot Joy The Look when she’s about to start turning cartwheels in the middle of the living room, and nine times out of 10, you’ve nipped misbehavior in the bud.

The Look gives you another “weapon” in your parenting arsenal. (I use “weapon” tongue in cheek!) I’ve found The Look to be an effective means of body checking a child when words probably wouldn’t be as effective.

The Look also provides a child with the means to correct his behavior before it edges into consequence territory. It’s actually more compassionate to develop The Look because of its ability to curb misbehavior in its infancy. The Look also eliminates the need for speech, thus cutting down on others overhearing your admonishments.

I encourage you to develop your own Look. One cautionary note: The Look only works when your children know that you will follow up with appropriate discipline if it’s not heeded. Otherwise, it will only become a funny face Mom makes.

Until next time,

Sarah

Chatterboxes and Silence

“Are witches real?” asked my six-year-old from his car seat recently while we were running errands. My response led to a series of questions that lasted several long minutes before I gently said I wasn’t going to answer any other questions for now.

Have you given yourself the freedom to tell your children no more questions or that you weren’t going to talk to them for a bit? Most parents today think that it’s their obligation to answer every question and respond to each comment their child utters. We’re encouraged from all fronts to pay close attention to what our children say and to always, always, always reply to their queries.

The underlying premise behind this is to feed and nurture a child’s natural curiosity with the world around him, especially at a young age. But answering—often in great detail—every question asked of you by your child isn’t the best thing for him. Nor is engaging in conversation with your child each time he wants to talk to you.

Image courtesy of Boians Cho Joo Young
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Why should you curtail your interaction with your child sometimes? I’ll give you four sound reasons.

1. Because your child shouldn’t monopolize all conversations. By answering each question your child makes, you are essentially giving control of many conversations to him, thus putting the child in the center of the family’s communications. He shouldn’t be allowed to speak and have everyone drop what they’re doing to listen—that’s a recipe for raising a brat.

2. Because your child doesn’t always need to know the answer from you. Yes, you want to impart knowledge about why cats meow or birds sing, but really, do you need to right now? Can’t he wait until school to learn the phases of the moon? Less you think this sounds harsh, I think there are some things in life that a child should ponder, should wonder about. Having you be his personal Google eliminates the element of surprise and figuring out things for himself.

3. Because you have other things to do. It’s okay that you need to use your brain to think about something other than why grass is green—and a child should realize that just because he wants an instant answer, sometimes he has to wait. When I need to think about the errands we’re running or tonight’s dinner or a tricky problem I’m working out, I have no problem putting a halt to the questions. Your time isn’t their time—it’s yours. More parents need to realize that they can reclaim time for themselves.

4. Because it’s not all about the child. Again, this points to the fact that parents are so terrified of doing the wrong thing—that not responding will cause the child to never ask another question—that they overcompensate by paying too much attention to the child. Naturally, all that attention makes the child think it’s all about him.

Strike a good balance between encouraging curiosity and helping children develop patience and the ability to figure things out on their own. I often point my older kids to a set of Encyclopedias when they have questions about how things work or where a certain city is located. Sure, I might know the answer, but that’s for me to know, and for them to find out.

Until next time,

Sarah