In the Principal's Office

Today, the assistant principal at my children's elementary school called to tell me that one of my children had been involved in a lunch room incident, one that involved spitting and a plastic knife "attack." It's never pleasant to hear that your child has done something that merits lunch detention and a call to you, but I must admit to not being totally surprised, either. After all, children--even relatively good kids--can, on any given day, do something bad, sometimes more than once a day (or more than once an hour).

What I don't want to do is overreact in either direction on the scale--totally believing that my child was wrongly accused or totally believing that my child is destined for the Big House when he or she grows up. We're taking a middle ground approach--that these types of things happen sometimes, that we support the school in its consequences for both children involved, and that we reinforce at home that the child needs to learn how to walk away from similar incidents. 

How can you keep your cool and still parent effectively in similar situations? Here are some thoughts on what you should--and shouldn't--do.

Image courtesy of  puttsk/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Stay calm. When hearing about our child's involvement with misbehavior, our initial reaction is to grill the teller. But it would be better for all concerned if we just listened first as calmly as possible. 

Believe the adult. We have become a nation of parents who automatically take our children's word over that of an adult, such as teachers, principals, coaches, etc. Half a century ago, parents knew that their children would--and could--lie, that their precious little ones would shade the truth so that they came out smelling like roses. We need to believe that the adult in question is telling us the truth, no matter how hard it is to hear about our child and his behavior.

Focus on facts, not whys. Kids misbehave for a variety of reasons, many of which make no sense to us as adults. We often spend more time trying to ferret out the whys of misbehavior rather than keeping our eyes on the facts of what happened. The whys don't negate the facts, and, frankly, understanding why our child did what she did won't make us better equipped to handle future problems.

Reinforce school discipline. It used to be that when a child received consequences at school for something that happened there, he also got punished at home. Today, we are uncomfortable with that double-whammy approach. What we're missing is the opportunity to make an impression on our children that such behavior will cause discomfort at school AND at home. Firing both barrels, so to speak, should help our kids think twice before engaging in similar behavior at school--and at home.

Talk about the incident. Finally, after the dust has settled, chat with your child about what she could have done differently in the situation to avoid getting into trouble. Help her think through thing she do in the future, such as count to 10 when she feels herself getting angry, walking away from the situation, or alerting a teacher to a small problem before it becomes a bigger one. Don't lecture overmuch, but enlist the child in the discussion, allowing her to provide solutions and guiding her on how to pick a good one for the next time.

Above all, remember that your children will likely provide ample opportunities for you to put these ideas into practice.

Until next time,

Sarah

A Terror At School

Q: My kindergartner is having trouble adjusting to school. He behaves at home because I make it clear I won’t tolerate misbehavior, but at school, he is out of control. School policy is to not restrict such a child, so no teacher is stepping in when he starts throwing things or destroying the classroom. Any suggestions for how to get him to behave in school?

A. The good news is that he’s shown he can control himself. After all, he does so at home. It’s likely he’s discovered that he can get way with bad behavior at school and that has feed his inner monster.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The other good news is that at this age, you can delay punishment for several days, so you can certainly institute consequences at home for misbehavior at school. Meet with the teacher and ask her to implement a simple, weekly behavior chart. My kindergartner brings home such a chart each day, with the day’s block colored in to show his behavior.

Print out such a chart and send it to school each Monday with your son. It’s his responsibility to give it to his teacher in the morning and to get it from her in the afternoon. Even five-year-olds can do this on their own.

The teacher rates his behavior on a color scale or numeral scale agreed upon. Only a full positive rating will be acceptable. Anytime the teacher indicates misbehavior at school, he receives punishment at home. If he fails to bring home the chart, then it’s the same as if he had misbehaved.

When he does bring home a chart indicating misbehavior, make the consequences memorable. For a five-year-old, confining him to his room (stripped of play value), an earlier-than-usual dinner and to bed directly afterwards usually makes a good impression.

If you’re consistent with the consequences, he’ll modify his behavior—eventually. He’s had a good run with being the classroom terror, so don’t expect overnight changes. But he will probably straighten up within a month or so.

PS: Don’t forget to give his teacher a little bit extra for the holidays—she probably wanted to do more, but many public schools hamstring their teachers so much that she can’t effectively curb such behavior.  

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.