The Gift Question

Q: How do we handle grandparents and other relatives/friends who want to buy our kids things that we’d rather our kids not have, such as electronics, which we restrict most of the time at home. We don’t want to monitor their usage of an electronic device we didn’t want them to have anyway. I know they are well-intentioned, but our kids would be as happy with a gift card to the local bookstore. What are your suggestions for how to approach this topic?

A: One Christmas when our oldest was around five or six, one of my sisters gave her a Care Bear “exercise” doll that stood on its own and moved up and down, saying things like, “Exercise is great!” and “Let’s get physical,” a la Olivia Newton John’s hit song. Now, I knew by this sister’s wicked gleam in her eye that she figured the Care Bear wouldn’t go over so well with my husband or me. Yes, that bear was very annoying but I decided to see how it played out with my daughter.

Image courtesy of Keerati/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Sure enough, the first forty-eight hours were pure agony hearing that bear’s squeaky voice talk about getting physical. But a funny thing happened once the newness of the bear’s animatronics wore off. My daughter tried to play with it as a regular doll, but it was too stiff “at rest,” so the bear was soon left behind, un-played with and lonely in the toy box. A month after that, I was able to quietly remove the bear and put it in our yard sale box. My daughter never missed it.

Sometimes, the gift that we dread our children receiving ends up not being a big deal after all. Other times, we do have to step in to curtail usage. You won’t know which you’ll have to do until the gift is given.

However, that doesn’t mean you don’t have a conversation with your relatives about toys. Don’t begin it with “We don’t allow…” or end it with “so please don’t buy them that.” Instead, talk about what your kids do like to do. Mention how much fun they have spending time with grandparents, aunts and uncles. When asked about gifts, you could suggest replacing another toy with a one-on-one outing with the relative. I know my own children have relished birthday gifts that were simply an outing with their grandmother or aunt and uncle, such as a trip to the circus or ballet. The outing itself doesn’t have to be spectacular—keep in mind that some of our best memories are from the small things in life, like an ice cream cone while walking around the neighborhood or a drive through a park to look at Christmas lights.

Also help your children develop their own wish lists that are reasonable and practical. For example, we remind our children that nothing on their list should cost more than $30, as that helps keep their greed in check and is respectful of others’ finances.

And for those gifts that don’t meet parental approval? Let them play with it, but put the same restrictions on it that you would have if you had purchased it. Remember that the relatives are likely only thinking of your child and are not out to undermine your parental authority. Always assume the best intentions unless you have hard evidence otherwise—and enjoy the blessings of having family who care enough to bestow gifts on your children. (Don’t forget to have those children write prompt thank-you notes, too.)

Bully or Boyish Behavior?

Q: Our nearly 9-year-old boy has been having trouble with one of the boys in his Sunday school class. This particular boy simply won’t keep his hands to himself, always touching his arm or pushing on him in line, etc. We’ve told our son to inform a teacher, tell the boy to stop his behavior, then push back if the boy is uncooperative. However, our son refuses to let an adult know about the behavior and this boy usually ignores my son’s requests to stop. What should we do? We’re worried about bullying.

Image courtesy of Prawny/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: In my opinion, one of the hardest things for a parent to figure out is whether or not a child is being bullied—or is bullying someone else. You are on the right track, although I don’t agree with answering physical behavior in kind. Pushing back or hitting back will likely escalate the problem and could possible land your son in hot water, too.

Keep encouraging him to tell an adult when another child won't stop a physical behavior and/or name calling despite your son's efforts. Try role playing with him to help him find the words to express his frustration or anger. Kids often respond to situations better after practicing how to handle themselves.

Also, it’s no surprise that this boy won’t listen to your son about stopping his behavior. Kids often don't listen to other kids--otherwise, all families would live in harmony without sibling conflict, right? Practice with your son saying, “Stop pushing me” or “Do not hit me” in a forceful tone of voice.

Your son does have another option: he can remove himself from the situation by walking away. This can help both parties calm down and regroup. If a teacher asks why he is moving, your son can say that the other child won't leave him alone.

Finally, talk with your son about putting himself in the other child’s shoes. Help your son to see what’s annoying behavior and what's really bullying. Encourage him to think about why the other child is doing what he's doing. Is that child not as self-aware of his actions? Does that child seem mean or just wanting to be friends, as some children rough house more than others?

We’re so quick these days to jump on the bullying bandwagon that we’ve, at times, blown out of proportion incidents that are not true bullying or labeled a child a bully when said kid is really just socially inept, for example. Teaching our kids to think about the other person, even when that other child is not being kind to them, helps build character.

Don’t misunderstand me--I’m not advocating ignoring bullying. What I am advocating is having a kind heart, one that overlooks small annoyances and grievances, one that seeks the good in others rather than seeking to have all the good for oneself. By teaching our children kindness in the face of provocation we will equip them to help make this world a better place.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

In the Principal's Office

Today, the assistant principal at my children's elementary school called to tell me that one of my children had been involved in a lunch room incident, one that involved spitting and a plastic knife "attack." It's never pleasant to hear that your child has done something that merits lunch detention and a call to you, but I must admit to not being totally surprised, either. After all, children--even relatively good kids--can, on any given day, do something bad, sometimes more than once a day (or more than once an hour).

What I don't want to do is overreact in either direction on the scale--totally believing that my child was wrongly accused or totally believing that my child is destined for the Big House when he or she grows up. We're taking a middle ground approach--that these types of things happen sometimes, that we support the school in its consequences for both children involved, and that we reinforce at home that the child needs to learn how to walk away from similar incidents. 

How can you keep your cool and still parent effectively in similar situations? Here are some thoughts on what you should--and shouldn't--do.

Image courtesy of  puttsk/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Stay calm. When hearing about our child's involvement with misbehavior, our initial reaction is to grill the teller. But it would be better for all concerned if we just listened first as calmly as possible. 

Believe the adult. We have become a nation of parents who automatically take our children's word over that of an adult, such as teachers, principals, coaches, etc. Half a century ago, parents knew that their children would--and could--lie, that their precious little ones would shade the truth so that they came out smelling like roses. We need to believe that the adult in question is telling us the truth, no matter how hard it is to hear about our child and his behavior.

Focus on facts, not whys. Kids misbehave for a variety of reasons, many of which make no sense to us as adults. We often spend more time trying to ferret out the whys of misbehavior rather than keeping our eyes on the facts of what happened. The whys don't negate the facts, and, frankly, understanding why our child did what she did won't make us better equipped to handle future problems.

Reinforce school discipline. It used to be that when a child received consequences at school for something that happened there, he also got punished at home. Today, we are uncomfortable with that double-whammy approach. What we're missing is the opportunity to make an impression on our children that such behavior will cause discomfort at school AND at home. Firing both barrels, so to speak, should help our kids think twice before engaging in similar behavior at school--and at home.

Talk about the incident. Finally, after the dust has settled, chat with your child about what she could have done differently in the situation to avoid getting into trouble. Help her think through thing she do in the future, such as count to 10 when she feels herself getting angry, walking away from the situation, or alerting a teacher to a small problem before it becomes a bigger one. Don't lecture overmuch, but enlist the child in the discussion, allowing her to provide solutions and guiding her on how to pick a good one for the next time.

Above all, remember that your children will likely provide ample opportunities for you to put these ideas into practice.

Until next time,

Sarah

Traveling Blues

Q: We’re heading out to the beach next month and I’m already dreading the seven-hour car trip with our three, elementary school age kids. Last year, the three of them fought and picked on each other the entire trip. I don’t think our family can survive a repeat of that. Help!

A: Oh, I feel your pain but don’t worry, I have a most ingenious solution, one that will make the car trip much more pleasant. It’s called “Ticket to Ride.”

Here’s how it works: Each child has three tickets for the car trip to the beach. You outline clearly as to what behaviors will not be tolerated. For the behaviors, be specific and target the top five, such as

1. No name calling.
2. No hitting, pinching, slapping, tickling, etc.
3. No whining about someone else’s behavior.
4. Only one “Are we there yet?” allowed from each child.
5. No taking another child’s things.

Each time a child does one of the target behaviors—the very first time—then that child loses one ticket. A child must have a ticket left when you arrive at the beach in order to play on the shore when the family hits the beach for the first time, whether that will be when you arrive or the next morning, depending on what you usually do.

Then stick with it. If all three children lose their tickets before you arrive at your destination, then all three kids sit out under the umbrella in their street clothes while you and your husband live it up on the beach.

This puts the responsibility for their behavior on the ones who can control it—the kids. You might find you have a very quiet car ride for most of the seven hours.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Do Not Disturb the Family Peace

Over the summer, as I was writing in the downstairs office, I heard a ruckus upstairs. Sounds of screaming that didn’t sound quite so happy. With four children between the ages of 4 and 10, one gets used to a certain amount of loudness, but my mother’s radar detected something different in these sounds.

I followed the source to my girls’ room, where the 10-year-old was attempting to drag the 9-year-old out of the room because she “wanted her room to herself.” Never mind that the room was both of theirs, she wanted to be alone. I separated the pair for a cooling off period, thinking that a 10-year-old was a little too young to pull a Greta Garbo.

Sibling conflict can be overwhelming, especially when you have a mix of ages and genders. Most of the time, my children do play well together with a minimum of fuss. But it’s inevitable that conflict will raise its ugly head at times. Through in the holidays, with all the excitement and anticipation, and things can go south in a hurry.

The way you as a parent handle sibling clashes can help—or hinder—how your children interact with each other. Here’s how we handle sibling clashes.

We decided that we would not play referee. It was not our job to intervene when the wailing started out of sight. We would not judge who was right and who was wrong. No assigning roles of victim or villain for us. If we happened to actually see the wrongdoing, that was another thing. But we would not participate after the fact in their disagreements. We would give kisses, but would not encourage tattling.

To enforce this, we created a chart and stuck it to the refrigerator. Titled “Do Not Disturb the Family Peace,” the chart outlined what would earn every child a ticket:

1. Keep it down. (Do not become too boisterous or noisy.)
2. No hurting each other. (Do not hit, punch, push or otherwise maim your siblings.)
3. No tattling. (Do not become a snitch on your siblings.)

Clipped to the fridge beside this chart are three tickets, pieces of laminated paper. For each infraction, the entire group loses one ticket. If all three tickets are lost, the entire group goes directly to their rooms for the rest of the day and directly to bed after supper.

This eliminates the problem of trying to figure out what happened. It doesn’t really matter who was at fault, does it? What this system is doing is putting the resolution of conflict onto the children, where it belongs.

When I hear the kids going at it hammer and tongs, I simply walk up, say they are disturbing the family peace and directed one to get a ticket. No arguing, no drama. Then I leave.

So far, in the months we’ve had this system in place, they have yet to lose all three tickets. And if they do, I’ll enjoy a nice day without kids underfoot, and a more relaxing evening with my husband.

Now, would it be terrible of me to wish they would lose all three tickets one day….?

Until next time,
Sarah