Where Does Fairness Come Into Child Rearing?

“It’s not fair” is one of the rallying cries of childhood. At any given moment, somewhere in the world, a child is sure that he or she is not getting a fair shake. I well remember having the same feelings as a kid, that life or my parents or school wasn’t being fair to me.

Sometimes, when a child says “It’s not fair,” it really isn’t in the true sense of the word. A six-year-old doesn’t get to stay up as late as your 10-year-old, and the eight-year-old does do more chores around the house than the four-year-old. Other times, even if you try to be equitable as a parent, the children can still find things to pout about (“He got more icing on his piece of cake than I did”).

Being fair with our children (or if an only child, with the neighborhood kids or classmates) shouldn’t be our goal as parents. But we should think about what fairness means for a family.

Fairness doesn’t mean everyone in the family gets equal treatment, both good and bad. That would put parents on the same footing as children, which is not good for the family structure.

Fairness doesn’t mean treating all children the same. Older children should have more chores than younger ones, while younger ones shouldn’t have as many privileges as older kids.

Fairness does mean not playing favorites. No child should be made the scapegoat and no child should be mommy’s pet. You don’t have to interact with your kids the same way, but you should have to check your behavior from time to time to ensure you’re not playing favorites.

Fairness does mean leveling the playing field when it makes sense. In other words, don’t make provisions to send one kid to college, but neglect to do so for the others.

Above all, realize that children have a warped sense of fairness as it relates specifically to them. And a good sense of humor helps, too.

Until next time,

Sarah

The Great Debate

Q: We have argumentative children. My kids argue with us about every decision we make. If we say the sun rises in the east, we’d get an argument. It’s really wearing us down. How do we stop this endless debate?

A: I hate to break it to you, but you don’t have argumentative kids. Hard to believe when the evidence is right before you? Here’s what I mean: Your children argue with you because you give them leeway to do so.

You say you don’t? I’ll bet instructions are given something like this: “John, a friend is coming over soon and we need to use the living room. Don’t you think you should pick up your toys so we have a place to sit down? No? Let’s do it together, okay?”

By phrasing instruction as a question, you invite pushback. And children pick up on that distinction right away. If you’re truly giving them an option between chocolate and vanilla ice cream, then a query is appropriate. If you want them to pick up their toys, then don’t phrase it like it’s optional.

In the above example, here’s what you should say instead: “John, please pick up the toys in the living room now. I’ll be back in five minutes to see that it’s done.” Then you walk away, ignoring any sounds or murmurs of protest from the child. If the toys are not picked up, you deal with the disobedience.

Much of what passes for instruction between parent and child consists of the parent trying to couch her commands in the softest possible way to avoid sounding like she’s in charge. That in turn gives the child leeway to refuse or argue about the rightness or wrongness of the request.

So stop being wishy-washy when it comes to instruction. Simply tell the kids in declarative statements what you want them to do. Unfortunately, human nature being what it is, you’ll never totally eliminate debates, but this will lower the number of arguments between parent and child considerably.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.