Crying Instead of Sleeping

Q: Our son turned two recently. He’s been a good sleeper most of the time, with bedtimes not so terrible a task. However, lately, he gets very upset at bedtime. Our routine at night is bathing, brushing teeth, reading a book, having some milk, going to the potty, then into the crib for a few songs. Now, he’s getting so upset with us leaving the room that he’ll cry until he throws up. What can we do to get over this hurdle?

Image courtesy of phaitoon/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: Turning two can be a huge change for some kids, and it sounds like it has been for your son. That said, there are some things you can do to help him make this transition smoother at bedtime.

First, shorten the bedtime routine because it’s kind of long now. Kids his age don’t really need a bath every night (a couple of times a week will usually do the trick). Cut out the milk right before bed, too, so that he won’t have milk on his teeth overnight—you can give this to him a half hour or so before bed instead.

For the crying, leave him in his crib, then come back into the room after a minute (literally, count to 60 outside his door). Tell him everything’s okay and leave. Don’t pick him up and don’t stay longer than the time it takes to pat him on the back and tell him it’s okay. Repeat as necessary, gradually lengthening the time between when you re-enter the room. This might take a few days or a week or so, but he should get over this and stop crying so much at bedtime.

A happy client:

After I had originally answered this question, the client wrote the following: “I just wanted to thank you for your help! For the past few days, I’ve put him down, we wait literally a minute while he wails like a banshee, then my husband goes in and holds his hand for awhile. By the time he leaves, our son’s been too tired to do much besides let out a few impassioned squawks. It’s not ideal, but it’s certainly better than him barfing everywhere!”

Bedlam at Bedtime

Q. I find it close to impossible to get my kids to bed on time. I’m a working mom of two kids ages ten and eight. I get home around 5:30 p.m. and cook dinner. We finish eating between 6:45 p.m. and 7 p.m., then the kids finish their homework and chores. Often, the chores or homework are not finished until 8 p.m., then there’s baths and bedtime routines to complete. It shouldn’t take this long to get them into bed by 8:30 p.m., but I’m exhausted by the nagging and staying on top of them. How do I get them to bed at a decent time?

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

A. Who’s home with the kids after school? Are the kids at home with a babysitter or are they in after-school daycare? Either place should give them plenty of time to complete their homework before you pick them up or get home. Tell them that the rule is that they must complete their usual homework (excluding special projects) before you arrive home.

While you’re cooking dinner, the children should complete any evening chores. At their ages, they should be doing the lion’s share of cleaning, including setting/clearing the table and washing dishes. Immediately after supper, they should finish any kitchen chores and then ready their lunches/backpacks for the morning.

Finally, have them get in their jammies early and brush their teeth. That will give them time to play, have stories and relax before bedtime. Use a kitchen timer at first to help the children keep track of time. Even though they can read a clock, they still have trouble figuring out how to manage their time. A timer is better than a parent because the timer is impersonal and more authoritative. Whatever’s not completed by bedtime stays unfinished for the day—and yes, this includes homework!

Give your kids a few weeks to settle into these new routines, and bedtimes should come more easily and you all will face them more relaxed and rested.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

Not Staying in Bed

Q: My husband and I want some alone time in the evenings, but our preschooler keeps coming out of his room after being tucked in for the night. How can we get him to stay in his room after lights out?

--Bedtime Blues

A: We had this problem when our youngest, who shared a room with his older brother, transitioned to a toddler bed from his crib. We reserved the lock on the door (unlocking it before we went to bed), and that worked. But here’s a gentler solution to your dilemma.

After putting your child in bed, hang a plastic play necklace on the inside doorknob of his room. Then tell him that the necklace means he can get out of his bed and room. But, if he does, he must bring you the necklace and then he can ask a question, share some news, get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, etc.

Then back in bed he goes but this time, do not rehang the necklace. Now, if he gets up, he can’t give you the necklace and therefore, he incurs a two-fold penalty. First, he doesn’t get to play with his favorite toy the next day. Second, tomorrow’s bedtime is moved up to directly after supper. The following night, when you put him to bed—no matter what time—put the necklace on the doorknob and follow the same instructions.

A couple of things might happen. Your son might have no interest whatsoever in the necklace and get out of bed a bunch of times the first few nights. However, a few days of not playing with his favorite toy and several nights with an early bedtime should cure him of getting out of bed more than once. And I think that you could probably live with one time out of bed.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.