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Q: What do we do when
our child refuses to be reconciled with you? In adult-to-adult relationships,
each adult has the same responsibility to initiate reconciliation when conflict
arises. But how does this apply to the parent-child relationship? For example,
my teenage son has cursed at me, been outright rebellious, and has threatened
to leave the house. Should the parent in such a situation take the initiative
toward reconciliation, such as telling him I still love him despite his
over-the-top misbehavior? Or do we wait for the child to humble himself and
come to us?
A: This is a question as old as time itself. How do we as
parents deal with a child who clearly has no desire to repair a relationship to
which he has taken a sledge hammer?
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FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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Let’s remember that the parent-child relationship is fraught
with mistakes and outright messiness. The parent makes mistakes, the child
makes mistakes. Emotions get out of control and things can slide downhill fast.
That said, we should try to model forgiveness and love as
much as we can. That means, yes, we tell our children that we love them no
matter what they do--because we do and we should. However, that doesn’t mean we
don’t get annoyed, hurt, angered, or saddened by their behavior and choices,
but it does mean that we love them as unconditionally as we can in our imperfect
human state.
In your example, you should take the initiative for two
reasons. One because you’re the adult and he’s the child (even as he nears
adulthood), and two, because you’re his father. This isn’t to say you condone
the behavior, but we have to be the ones to hold out the olive branch of
forgiveness in order to make it easier for our children to ask for it. We
should be the ones who try to heal the breach first because we need to show our
children how to do that.
Most of the time, children of all ages find it difficult to
be the one to take the first step toward righting a wrong. It’s not easily to
be humble and apologetic in the best of circumstances. Throw in a fight with a
parent, and that step could morph into an insurmountable mountain for a child
to climb.
Of course, we pray that our children will see the wrongness
of their actions, but in the end, it’s not up to us to convict their hearts—that’s
the province of God--so we tell them we love them, we levy appropriate
consequences when necessary, and we make the way back “home” not steep or
rocky, but paved with love and forgiveness.
The Scenario:
Your three-year-old child has suddenly become very difficult in the weeks after
you came home from the hospital with a new baby sister. He ignores your
commands, laughs when punished, and has had numerous potty “accidents.” You’re
wondering if the new sibling has created a three-year-old monster. Will his
behavior improve on its own or should you intervene now?
The Solution: The
birth of a sibling—as with any major event in a child’s life—can throw the
older child into a tizzy. Regressions are a typical response and will pass with
gentle encouragement and consistency on your part. First, don’t reassure him
with words but actions as to his place in the family. With everyone oohing and
aahing over the baby, he’s feeling a bit left out.
Start by setting aside some time just for him each day. Ask
for his help in sorting clothes. While you’re feeding the baby, sing some songs
with him or read him a story. As much as you can, ignore his attitude and work
on correcting his behaviors.
Remind him that he knows how to use the toilet but has
forgotten. Show him how to clean up after his “on purposes” and rinse out his
underwear. Be matter of fact but firm, and he should return to his usual self
in a few weeks.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available now. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
This is the last sneak peak at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which
is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
A child can become a sibling in several ways—through the
birth of a brother or sister, through the adoption of a baby or older child, or
through the remarriage of a parent to a spouse with children. However that
sibling comes along, the child’s world changes dramatically. Sometimes, the
transition is accompanied by resentment and misbehavior by the former
singleton, but parents can ease the transition from an only to a sibling.
In our home, we welcomed our second child when our firstborn
was twenty-two months old. Naomi, the older daughter, adjusted fairly well to
her new little sister, Leah—or so we thought until the day Naomi announced very
loudly that I needed to “put Leah down, just put her down,” accompanied by
vehement hand motions. That clued us in that Naomi wasn’t taking the addition
of a sibling as well as we had initially hoped.
However, that rather rocky beginning hasn’t meant an
escalation of hostilities between the pair. Rather, as we showed Naomi how to
interact with her sister—and as Leah grew older and more able to play with her
older sister—the two of them have become good friends as well as sisters,
despite occasional squabbles.
Remember, children are resilient beings, capable of
readjusting expectations to new circumstances fairly easily. With guidance,
parents can use that ability to swing the older children into acceptance and
love for their new siblings.
Read more about how to help an older child learn to accept
and love a new sibling in Ending Sibling
Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available now on Amazon.com, CBD.com
and Beacon Hill Press.
Q: Should boys be
allowed to play with toy guns of any sort? If so, can they point the gun at
each other and shoot someone else? Play dead when shot? What guidelines do you
recommend for teaching them how to play with toy guns? My sons keep asking for
them and I’m not sure how to respond.
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FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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A: If you have a boy, chances are pretty good that he’s
shot, stabbed, lasered or otherwise tried to kill you, the family dog, the
chair, or his younger sibling with some sort of weapon. Said weapon could be
anything from a finger, a stick, LEGOs or a stuffed animal. Frankly, I don’t
know how you prevent shooting and playing dead among children, especially boys,
even without an actual toy gun in a child’s hand.
We’re asking the wrong questions when we fret about whether
or not a toy gun of some sort will somehow be harmful to our kids. Instead, we
should focus on what’s going on in their own hearts when they play or interact
with others. Is the play mean-spirited or fun for all involved? A boy who
shoots his sister with his toy cap gun, for example, could be perfectly loving
toward her on most occasions, except when she’s the bank robber and he’s the
sheriff.
Video games and movies have more potential for desensitizing
kids to violence than playing with a toy gun. Rather than worrying about
whether they play with toy guns (or pretend to knife, slash or shoot others
with pretend weapons), we should concentrate on helping them treat others with
kindness and respect most of the time (because no one can be perfect all the
time!).
Our homes should have a general atmosphere of love and not
anger with siblings that respect and love one another most of the time. If our
focus is on the intangibles of our children’s relationships with each other,
then what toys they have won’t matter as much--because in the end, it’s not the
toy that causes the distress, it’s
the child who wields it.
Q: How do we handle
grandparents and other relatives/friends who want to buy our kids things that
we’d rather our kids not have, such as electronics, which we restrict most of
the time at home. We don’t want to monitor their usage of an electronic device
we didn’t want them to have anyway. I know they are well-intentioned, but our
kids would be as happy with a gift card to the local bookstore. What are your suggestions
for how to approach this topic?
A: One Christmas when our oldest was around five or six, one
of my sisters gave her a Care Bear “exercise” doll that stood on its own and
moved up and down, saying things like, “Exercise is great!” and “Let’s get
physical,” a la Olivia Newton John’s hit song. Now, I knew by this sister’s wicked
gleam in her eye that she figured the Care Bear wouldn’t go over so well with
my husband or me. Yes, that bear was very annoying but I decided to see how it
played out with my daughter.
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Sure enough, the first forty-eight hours were pure agony
hearing that bear’s squeaky voice talk about getting physical. But a funny
thing happened once the newness of the bear’s animatronics wore off. My
daughter tried to play with it as a regular doll, but it was too stiff “at
rest,” so the bear was soon left behind, un-played with and lonely in the toy
box. A month after that, I was able to quietly remove the bear and put it in
our yard sale box. My daughter never missed it.
Sometimes, the gift that we dread our children receiving
ends up not being a big deal after all. Other times, we do have to step in to
curtail usage. You won’t know which you’ll have to do until the gift is given.
However, that doesn’t mean you don’t have a conversation
with your relatives about toys. Don’t begin it with “We don’t allow…” or end it
with “so please don’t buy them that.” Instead, talk about what your kids do
like to do. Mention how much fun they have spending time with grandparents,
aunts and uncles. When asked about gifts, you could suggest replacing another
toy with a one-on-one outing with the relative. I know my own children have
relished birthday gifts that were simply an outing with their grandmother or
aunt and uncle, such as a trip to the circus or ballet. The outing itself
doesn’t have to be spectacular—keep in mind that some of our best memories are
from the small things in life, like an ice cream cone while walking around the
neighborhood or a drive through a park to look at Christmas lights.
Also help your children develop their own wish lists that
are reasonable and practical. For example, we remind our children that nothing
on their list should cost more than $30, as that helps keep their greed in
check and is respectful of others’ finances.
And for those gifts that don’t meet parental approval? Let
them play with it, but put the same restrictions on it that you would have if
you had purchased it. Remember that the relatives are likely only thinking of
your child and are not out to undermine your parental authority. Always assume
the best intentions unless you have hard evidence otherwise—and enjoy the
blessings of having family who care enough to bestow gifts on your children.
(Don’t forget to have those children write prompt thank-you notes, too.)
Q: Our son turned two
recently. He’s been a good sleeper most of the time, with bedtimes not so
terrible a task. However, lately, he gets very upset at bedtime. Our routine at
night is bathing, brushing teeth, reading a book, having some milk, going to
the potty, then into the crib for a few songs. Now, he’s getting so upset with
us leaving the room that he’ll cry until he throws up. What can we do to get
over this hurdle?
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A: Turning two can be a huge change for some kids, and it
sounds like it has been for your son. That said, there are some things you can
do to help him make this transition smoother at bedtime.
First, shorten the bedtime routine because it’s kind of long
now. Kids his age don’t really need a bath every night (a couple of times a
week will usually do the trick). Cut out the milk right before bed, too, so
that he won’t have milk on his teeth overnight—you can give this to him a half
hour or so before bed instead.
For the crying, leave him in his crib, then come back into
the room after a minute (literally, count to 60 outside his door). Tell him
everything’s okay and leave. Don’t pick him up and don’t stay longer than the
time it takes to pat him on the back and tell him it’s okay. Repeat as
necessary, gradually lengthening the time between when you re-enter the room. This
might take a few days or a week or so, but he should get over this and stop
crying so much at bedtime.
A happy client:
After I had originally answered this question, the client
wrote the following: “I just wanted to thank you for your help! For the past
few days, I’ve put him down, we wait literally a minute while he wails like a
banshee, then my husband goes in and holds his hand for awhile. By the time he
leaves, our son’s been too tired to do much besides let out a few impassioned
squawks. It’s not ideal, but it’s certainly better than him barfing everywhere!”
December is usually not described as peaceful. Oh, we sing
about peace on earth in our carols, but for most of us, days 1 through 25 are
spent hurrying around shopping, baking, doing endless lists of things. Sure, we
might go to a fun party or special event, but we generally take little time to
slow down. To make matters even more stressful, our children stay in a perpetual
state of heightened excitement as the days of Christmas draw nearer.
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Image courtesy of digitalart/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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What’s a parent to do? Here are five suggestions for having
yourself a very peaceful Christmas.
1. Talk about your
Christmas expectations. With December underway, now’s the time to have a
family meeting about what’s important for everyone this season. Is it trimming
the tree together? Going to the grandparents on Christmas Eve? Have everyone
say the number-one thing they are looking forward to, then focus on those
things first. Everything else can be left behind.
2. Develop hearts of
gratitude. For all of us, Christmas can become a time of getting, and we
can let that go to our heads when we really want that special something.
Whatever your ideal gift is, we lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas
when we focus only on what we might get instead of what we have. One way to
combat the greed of the season is to designate a Thankfulness Jar. Have every
family member write down something they are thankful for at least once a week.
Then on Christmas Eve or close to that date, sit down with hot chocolate and
read the notes aloud together. This will help you get your hearts in the right
frame of mind for opening gifts and visiting with family.
3. Think outside
yourselves. Whether it’s a family member or a community need, be a blessing
to someone else. It could be a simple as shopping together for Toys for Tots,
or as elaborate as adopting a family for Christmas. Get your kids involved—as them
what they would like to do to help someone else this holiday. You’ll be
surprised by what they can come up with once you get their thoughts focused
outside of themselves.
4. Downsize the toys.
We all have too much stuff, so let’s get rid of some of it before Christmas.
With your children, go through their toys or things, mandating that they must
give away or toss a certain amount (depending on what you are starting
with). Guide them in their choices, but let them make the decisions. Having less
is always a good way to go into Christmas—and it’s easier to find places for
the new things to come.
5. Stop and smell the
pine needles. This time of year, we can become so busy that we hardly have
a moment to ourselves. Deliberately plan down time for the entire family to
spend watching a favorite holiday flick or singing carols around the fireplace.
Spend an afternoon or evening sharing favorite Christmas memories. Little things
like this can be relaxing and enjoyable for all members of your family—and help
you find a little peace amid the chaos of the season.
The Scenario:
Your two daughters ages eight and six play together nicely, but when their two
cousins who are similar ages come over, it’s bedlam. Within half an hour, your
youngest will be crying over being excluded by her older sister from the games
or play. You constantly have to intervene to keep any semblance of peace. What
can you do?
The Solution: In
this case, ignoring the problem or letting the children figure it out
themselves is not likely to work. Things have gone on too far and their
“positions” have become so entrenched that they can’t change on their own. Nor
can you act as mediator—you’ve seen how successful that’s been!
Here’s a way to handle this. The next time the cousins are
scheduled to come over, have your sons draw straws or flip a coin to determine
which one of them will get to play with the cousins. The other child will stay
away from the cousins and get her turn next time it’s playtime with the
cousins.
You’ll likely have to do this for the next four or so times
the cousins are at your house before you can ask your two daughters if one of
them needs to play separately from the rest. This puts the onus of figuring out
how to get along on the shoulders if your daughters, where it belongs.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill
Press of Kansas City.
Ever notice that being trapped inside for several days
because of weather or sickness can unleash the worst behavior from our
children? While the family that plays together does indeed develop a deeper
relationship with each other, too much togetherness can breed undesirable
behaviors. Time away from other siblings can provide a much needed respite and
can prevent tensions from reaching the boiling point and exploding into
conflict.
Just as we parents need to ensure we spend time together as
a family, so we should encourage time apart. Everyone, from Mom and Dad on down
to the youngest child, needs alone time—the trick is finding the right balance
to avoid both smothering (too much togetherness) and becoming antisocial (too
much time alone).
It’s important to talk with our children about why time
alone is good for everyone, and that it shouldn’t always be viewed as a
punishment. We all feel so busy these days, overwhelmed by our lengthy and
never-ending to-do lists. Busyness has become a status symbol as we’re always
rushing around from one task to another, on the job twenty-four/seven. We fill
our lives with constant motion and tasks to be accomplished. Even Christians
fall into the trap of over-scheduling, over-doing and over-committing our time
and resources. Our children are not any different, with overpacked schedules
and constant motion, leaving little time for the business of being a kid.
Alone time has two components: knowing when to separate and
having a place to go to be by oneself. Therefore, to accomplishing the perfect
ratio of togetherness and separateness, parents should first figure out when a
separation is necessary. Part of this step is training offspring to recognize
their personal warning signs so that they can remove themselves from a
potentially explosive situation. Second, parents need to help children find
private space in the home for alone time. Coupled with privacy is assisting
their children to have their own identity within the family unit, another form
of separating.
Read more about both how to know when a volcano might erupt
and how to create space for the essential cool-down period in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, available now on Amazon.com, CBD.com
and Beacon Hill Press.
The Scenario: Two
of your three children seek opportunities to be alone with you, such as
volunteering to come with you on errands. But the middle child doesn’t speak up
for these spontaneous outings. You’re finding that you spend much less time
with him as a result. What should you do?
The Solution: Try
carving out a bit of daily interaction for just the two of you. Perhaps it’s
after dinner when the others are doing homework, or maybe right before bed you
visit with him to check in on how his day is going.
Make an effort to ask him to do something with you beyond
errands, such as cook dinner or sort socks. Those little opportunities should
help you to stay connected with him on a more day-to-day basis.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill
Press of Kansas City.
When other parents learn we have four children, their first
response is usually along the lines of “How do you juggle all those kids?” That
question is generally followed by another: “How do you find time for your
kids?” Both represent a misconception of how much parental time and outside
activities children need. We’re firm believers that children should—and are
perfectly capable of—entertaining themselves.
While we don’t give our kids too much attention on a daily
basis, we also do not neglect to spend individual time with them apart from the
family as a whole. In today’s ever busy, ever connected world, one-on-one time
with a parent becomes even more precious to a child.
This alone time forges a stronger bond of intimacy and love
between parent and child, nourishing the relationship. Many parents recognize
the importance of individual time with a child. In fact, seventy percent of
respondents to my informal sibling survey had regular one-on-one time with each
of their children.
Time spent alone with one child also underscores that we see
them as individuals, not as a collective “the kids.” We often lump our
offspring all together, such as “Kids, get in the car!” It’s great to be part
of a family, but sometimes, children need to know we see them as single
entities apart from the group. Also, having regular individual interaction will
create those precious memories for both of you. Group recollections are
wonderful, but it’s the personal touch that often brings the most pleasure to
us and our kids.
Plus, all kids, especially teenagers, need that bonding time
with parents, a chance to slow down and ease up on the throttle of life. Parents
have found that scheduled one-on-one time with their children keeps them
up-to-date with what’s going on in their lives. With individual time, you can
cater to each child’s personality and ability, which goes along with helping
parents not play favorites.
Remember, our time with them living at home is fleeting. We
have them twenty-four/seven for eighteen years, then they begin to spread their
wings and fly to new adventures outside of your home. Sure, we may get them
back occasionally, but we will never again have them at this age.
Read more about how to have one-on-one time with your
children in Ending Sibling Rivalry:
Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available now on Amazon.com, CBD.com
and Beacon Hill Press.
The Scenario:
Your preteen daughter and young teenage son get into the name-calling like no
one’s business. Idiot, stupid, you’ve heard them all. The name-calling
generally degenerates into a fight. How can you conquer this?
The Solution: You
can’t. Only the two of them can get a handle on this rivalry. One way to help
them figure out how to stop fighting so much is to designate a small space in
your home, such as a powder room, laundry room, or large closet, as the
“conference” room. When the arguing commences, direct them to take it to the
conference room for half an hour (set a timer). When the timer dings, ask them
if they’ve solved the problem. Most of the time, they probably have. If not,
then send them back in for another half hour.
This approach allows you to keep calm and them to discover
that they can solve their own problems and will likely fight less, given they
probably don’t want to spend thirty minutes in a small space with their sibling
every time they argue.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill
Press of Kansas City.
Have you ever looked at your kids fighting and seen an
opportunity for personal growth? Most parents don’t view tussles between their
offspring as anything but disruptive and damaging to the family. However,
teaching our children the proper and biblical way to handle conflict can
restore peace to our homes and set our kids on the path to relationship
success.
The temptation for parents is to skip the teaching part and
simply move to making peace themselves, but that harms children by focusing on
the why of the conflict and by taking the problem-solving part of the conflict
away from the children. What parents all too easily forget is that children,
because of their nature, disposition and age, are not civilized beings. That’s
something that needs to be taught to a child, such as when we teach them to say
“please” and “thank you.”
Some believe that children must be genetically disposed to
fighting—after all, they do it so well!—but fail to realize that kids are
equally equipped to make peace. That the ability to make up is essential to
their emotional and mental development is often overlooked by parents. We can’t
continually broker treaties between our children because then they don’t learn
to do it for themselves and our cease-fires don’t last as long. Peace made by
non-invested parties, i.e., parents, never sticks as well as harmony brought
about by the warring parties.
Thus when parents get too involved in their children’s
disputes, they rob the kids of a valuable learning experience. Yet it’s hard to
resist that involvement. Parents do have a role to play in sibling conflict
because parents shouldn’t leave the entire process to the children. Teaching
kids how to peacefully resolve conflict is as important as letting them figure
out the nitty-gritty details themselves.
Read more about how to teach your children conflict resolutions,
as well as how parents can stay out of the process, in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace,
available now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.
For parents, the tricky part about trick-or-treating on
Halloween comes in deciding how much freedom your kids will enjoy that evening.
Will you send them out the door to canvass the neighborhood without you? Will
you follow along behind them, watching from the sidewalk as they ring
doorbells? Will you closely monitor their candy intake to avoid
over-consumption? Will you hand out only organic Clementines in an effort to
staunch the flow of sugar?
These are the questions that plague the modern parent—and
it’s really no wonder that Halloween brings out the angst in us. If we no
longer send out our children onto our own street—the street that we decided was
safe enough to buy a house and live on—without our direct supervision, then why
would we on Halloween? If we no longer we deem it okay to let our
upper-elementary school age children or older walk to the bus stop by
themselves in broad daylight, we certainly are not going to let them go alone
to knock on strangers’ doors at night dressed up as Peter Pan and Elsa.
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Then there is the boost Halloween receives from the media,
who ratcheted up fears in parents with tales—unfounded, unsubstantiated—of
poisoned candy handed out to random children by crazy people. (Read some of the
debunked myths on Snopes.com for just how the media loves to point the finger
at Halloween goodies.)
The common denominator in all of these is fear of harm to
our kids. That’s why this week, you’ve probably seen stories of hospitals that
will scan Halloween candy for free and tips on how to make sure your child’s
costume won’t cause injury when walking around the neighborhood. That’s also
the reason why shopping malls offer indoor “safe” trick-or-treating under the
bright lights and Christmas decorations.
What can you do to stop this fear epidemic? Take a moment to
reflect on all the things you love about your neighborhood. The person who
walks his cute little dog by your house at 7 a.m.
every day. The neighbor who tosses your newspaper on the porch when you’re
away. The children with which your kids play and go to school. This nice, safe
place you’re raising your family. There’s nothing to fear the other 364 days of
the year, so why pick on Halloween?
So get out there and get to know your neighbors a little bit
better. If your kids are old enough (and I would hazard a guess that at least
four or fifth graders and up are), then let them go trick-or-treating on their
own. If that makes you really nervous, then have a time or street limit. They
will have a blast being independent, and you can greet all the
trick-or-treaters who come by your house.
And loosen up on the candy. Hand out the good stuff and
don’t worry about childhood obesity or tooth decay. One night of
over-indulgence isn’t going to hurt anyone in the long run.
Until next time,
Sarah
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill
Press of Kansas City.
Parents often plan how many kids to have based on the number
of children they think they can handle. Sometimes, that number of influenced by
their own childhoods or by seeing how the children of relatives or friends
behave. What parents usually fail to consider is what a healthy relationship
with brothers and sisters gives a child. Hearing your children snipe at each
other, or remembering fights you had with your own siblings, might make you
forget the many blessings brothers and sisters can bring to your life and to
the lives of your children. Whether you have one brother or sister, or five,
being a sibling provides you with someone who “gets you” when the world doesn’t
and with someone to share the joys and burdens of life.
Almost from the time of our birth, we share with siblings
our most intimate thoughts, ideas, and dreams. Together, we explore,
collaborate, conspire, and protect. We goad each other to do good—and bad. We
play together, torment each other at times, counsel each other, and comfort one
another. For better or for worse, our brothers and sisters become a large part
of who we are.
Often those relationships outlast parents, spouses, and
friends. With brothers and sisters, you share a history—the good and the bad.
So far, it seems that the gist of sibling research focuses on how the children
interact with one another and with their parents. But what the studies haven’t
yet tackled in-depth is how siblings help each other in a variety of ways with
friendship being at the top.
If you look past the in-fighting, you’ll likely see some of
the secret—and not so hidden—blessings of having a brother or sister (or
both!). As you watch your own children interact, note the many ways they
support each other. Maybe an older sister helps her little brother tie his
shoelaces, or an older boy takes his sister’s hand without prompting to cross
the street. These small gestures done “undercover,” so to speak, show you more
of their hearts than anything else. Write a few of those down and look at the
list often, especially when sibling conflict heats up. It’s a good way to
remind yourself of the blessings of siblings.
Read more about why siblings can be blessings, both when
kids are young and when they are older in Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for now on
Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.
The Scenario:
Your two sons, ages eight and ten, usually get along just fine. But lately,
whenever you have to discipline one, the other tells you it’s not fair.
Sometimes, they’ve been so convincing that you’ve not addressed the problem.
You’ve explained and explained why they need to stay out of the disciplining of
their brother, but they won’t listen. What can you do?
The Solution:
Step one is to stop explaining. They’re not listening, and they’re not going to
listen or agree with your rationalization of why interfering is wrong. Step two
is to realize that you’ve given the boys reason to think you don’t mean what
you say. So they have come to the conclusion that if one interferes with a
punishment of the other, chances are good you’ll back down.
Step three is to do something to fix the problem once and
for all. The next time you’re about to punish one and the other interrupts to
plead his case that you’re “not being fair,” respond with: “You’re right. I’m
not. So now you both will receive the punishment since you interfered.” Then
follow through with punishing both of them. That will stop the interfering
soon.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill
Press of Kansas City.
“It’s not fair!” is one of the rallying cries of childhood.
At any given moment, somewhere in the world, a child is sure she’s not getting
a fair shake. You can’t blame kids for coveting fairness; after all, the
concept of fairness seems to be wired into our DNA:
Scientific research has discovered that our brains react to perceived inequity
the same way as when we respond to the things that disgust us. That ingrained
sense of fairness makes us hypersensitive to any slight or perceived
inequality.
Our children have fully internalized this and use nearly
every opportunity to invoke the “fairness doctrine.” These questions from our kids
ring out in practically every family as some point: “Why do I always have to do
this?” “Why does [sibling] get a pass and I get punished for the same thing?” “How
come [sibling’s] piece of cake is bigger?” Often these queries, delivered in an
aggrieved tone of voice, catch parents off guard and provoke angst as Mom and
Dad start worrying about whether or not they are treating their children
fairly.
That our children have absorbed a desire for fairness should
come as no surprise, especially when fairness is emphasized in school (as it
should be among peers). As they grow, kids accept that fairness has more
nuances. When a child says, “It’s not fair,” she doesn’t mean that in the true
sense of the word. It’s because at age six, she doesn’t get to stay up as late
as the ten-year-old sibling. Or at age eight, she has to do more chores than
her four-year-old brother.
It’s not just the kids who jump on the fair play
bandwagon—we often bend over backwards to treat our children fairly. More than
eight-six percent of parents participating in my sibling rivalry survey said
they try to treat their children fairly or equally.
Practicing the fairness doctrine doesn’t lead to generosity
and gentleness of spirit but to grumbling and hoarding. Among siblings, pursuit
of fairness as a parent can create conflict, frustration, and disappointment
because each child will be constantly assessing everything to make sure things
are distributed evenly. Even if you strive for fairness within your family,
your children will still find things to pout about, as in “He got more icing on
his piece of cake than I did” or “She got new shoes and I didn’t.”
Read more about some areas that parents often attempt to
play fair with their children and ways to correct this habit in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, available for now on Amazon.com, CBD.com
and Beacon Hill Press.
The Scenario: Your
two kids each insist that you are favoring the other. How can you convince them
you aren’t playing favorites?
The Solution: You
can’t. What you can do is examine your own motives for the decisions you make concerning
the kids. Are you thinking of them as individuals? Are you allowing your
feelings of frustration about behavior color your interactions with one or the
other? Are you comparing one with another on a frequent basis? Are you holding
up one sibling as the “good” example too often?
Spend some time reviewing your own actions and see if you
can pinpoint what might be convincing the children that you have a favorite.
If, after you correct any behaviors on your part that could be contributing to
their feelings, they still howl about favoritism, you can probably chalk it up
to the fact that kids love drama, and ignore the comments. Eventually, as you
work on keeping comparisons out of your home, they stop talking about
favoritism and realize that they’re both your “favorites.”
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’ll be giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available in October, with permission of Beacon
Hill Press of Kansas City.
Parents have been picking favorites from among their
children since time began—to disastrous consequences. If you think children are
unaware of parental preferences, think again. Whether favored or unfavored,
children who know which they are never forget it.
The proliferation of biblical and literary examples show how
favoritism wrecks families and sibling interactions. Favoritism rarely has any
positive outcomes, and most such tales should be read as cautionary.
Whether we like it or not, all parents have compared their
children one time or another. The more we compare, the more we are likely to
develop a favorite among the children. While most of us would automatically
deny having a favorite, most kids would probably say their parents have a
preference for one child in the family. Sometimes, siblings work together to
use that favoritism to their collective advantage. I’ve seen this happen in
families, where the children will send the youngest child in to ask a favor of
Mom or Dad. Sometimes the parents acknowledge they can’t refuse the child
anything, and sometimes they will roll their eyes at the audacity of the
children to “work the system.”
While we might smile at the thought of kids using
“favoritism” to their advantage, playing favorites can tear the sibling fabric.
Long-term favoritism leads to resentment, envy, guilt, strife, and a host of
other problems, which impact both individuals and the family unit as a whole.
Patterns of favoritism can become ingrained in the family
fabric, but the fluidity of family life may help to balance out those
preferences. Favoritism can move from child to child, depending on situations
in which the family operates. For example, a child could lose favored status
because something she does displeases a parent, while a younger child could
move into to top spot because an older child leaves home.
Read more about what steps parents can take to largely avoid
favoritism in general in Ending Sibling
Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for now on
Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.
The Scenario:
Your six-year-old daughter doesn’t want to try anything because her older
siblings—a seven-year-old brother and an eight-year-old sister—excel at
everything they do. The older siblings receive numerous compliments for their
“amazing” abilities, particularly in sports. Now the six-year-old wants nothing
to do with physical activities. What can we do to encourage her participation?
The Solution:
Stop asking her. Counter-intuitive? Perhaps, but pushing her to do sports is likely
not to help the situation. Ask her—when her siblings are not around—what
activities she’d like to try. Then see if there’s a class or group in which
she, and she alone, could become involved. Don’t allow her siblings to attend
the class or group; let her have this all to herself.
Then to lower competition in your home, don’t talk so much
in a family setting about how well the older sibs are doing. Ask different
questions about their sports that change the focus from them to someone else,
such as “Who did you think played well today?”
Also make sure you’re not contributing to the competitive
atmosphere by praising your older children too much. This should help your
younger daughter find her own special place and also help your older children
realize it’s not all about them and their “amazing” abilities.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
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