To Believe or Not To Believe—Is That Really the Question?

Q: I spot-check my 15-year-old daughter’s (“Ann”) social media sites—she knows this—and found a posting by her close friend (“Sue”) that contained obscene language. Sue wrote, “I didn’t write that, Ann did.” Thing is, neither one of the talk like that (at least that I’ve ever heard), so it seems really out of character for either one of them. They were together when the post was written. What can I do? It’s very likely they will finger each other as the “real” writer of the post. Oh, and both are honor students and generally stay out of trouble. Also, do I let Sue’s mother know what I found out (we’re fairly close)?

Image courtesy of stockimages
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: Many parents would commence the hunt for “the truth,” i.e., who really wrote the incriminating post. Thus begins the game of finger pointing, tears, strained relationships between you and Sue’s parents, etc. The whole thing becomes an exercise in futility because no matter who actually wrote the post, both girls were present at the time it was uploaded and both girls probably share some of the blame, either directly writing it or indirectly egging on the one who did.

So save yourself time and hassle by skipping the hunting part and moving toward the solution part, which is quite simple: take away Ann’s access to social media and to her electronic devices for at least a month. If she asks why, you can say that since her name was associated with such language, she needs a break from social media. Make her go cold turkey from electronic devices for 30 days and that should make her think twice in the future to be even near someone who would post something like that under her name.

Lest you think that is too harsh, keep in mind that in a few years, she will be searching for a job after college graduation. With more and more employers trolling the Web to see what’s being said about job candidates, do you really want her name associated with any filth out there? Not that she needs to hear that—she won’t understand your reasons anyway—but that’s something for you to keep in mind as you consider how to handle things like this now and in the future.

Tread with care if you talk to Sue’s mother about the posting. She might not want to hear that her daughter was associated with something tawdry.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

A Modern Umbilical Cord

A very long time ago, mothers used long apron strings to keep a toddler out of harms way, tying the child to a piece of furniture that allowed the kid movement but not to run away or fall into the fireplace. Most parents would agree that it’s not necessary to have apron strings today, but what they don’t seem to realize is that cell phones have replaced apron strings as a way to keep a child connected to the mother ship. (Let’s face it: most fathers are not the ones advocating for their kids to have cell phones—it’s the mothers who feel the need to stay in near-constant touch with the children.)

Today’s child is connected to his parents more than any other previous generation because of the rise of mobile devices. An article in Psychology Today put it this way: “The perpetual access to parents infantilizes the young, keeping them in a permanent state of dependency. Whenever the slightest difficulty arises,” the child calls the parent immediately for guidance. “They’re not learning to manage for themselves.”

Cell phones for kids have stunted their growth in that children are not learning how to internalize an image of their parents and the values/advice Mom and Dad imparted to them. That image and recollection is crucial for children because it’s used whenever they find themselves facing difficulty or uncertainty, becoming the adults they know and being able to make a good decision. But with Mom or Dad only a quick call away, kids are not figuring things out on their own, relying instead on calling their parents for the answer.

Another way cell phones are undermining growth is the inability to plan ahead. Teens and college students often phone friends with things like, “I’m finished studying. Let’s go out for pizza.” If they didn’t have mobile devices, they would have to think about their schedules and arrange a meeting time—planning ahead.

Mobile phones also “promote fragility by weakening self-regulation.” In other words, cell phones condition the user to getting what she wants right away. That in turn generates frustration and impatience at the drop of a hat. And it also makes it harder for relationships to succeed because the person has a much lower threshold for frustration and wants things to work out immediately.

Definitely some food for thought when it comes to children and mobile phones. Personally, we have no plans for any of our children to have cell phones, mobile devices, tablets, etc., until they are old enough to pay for said devices and data plans themselves. Information like this makes it that much easier for us to keep that goal in mind as our children grow.

Until next time,

Sarah

Note: Information quoted came from “A Nation of Wimps,” Psychology Today, originally published Nov. 1, 2004.