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December is usually not described as peaceful. Oh, we sing
about peace on earth in our carols, but for most of us, days 1 through 25 are
spent hurrying around shopping, baking, doing endless lists of things. Sure, we
might go to a fun party or special event, but we generally take little time to
slow down. To make matters even more stressful, our children stay in a perpetual
state of heightened excitement as the days of Christmas draw nearer.
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What’s a parent to do? Here are five suggestions for having
yourself a very peaceful Christmas.
1. Talk about your
Christmas expectations. With December underway, now’s the time to have a
family meeting about what’s important for everyone this season. Is it trimming
the tree together? Going to the grandparents on Christmas Eve? Have everyone
say the number-one thing they are looking forward to, then focus on those
things first. Everything else can be left behind.
2. Develop hearts of
gratitude. For all of us, Christmas can become a time of getting, and we
can let that go to our heads when we really want that special something.
Whatever your ideal gift is, we lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas
when we focus only on what we might get instead of what we have. One way to
combat the greed of the season is to designate a Thankfulness Jar. Have every
family member write down something they are thankful for at least once a week.
Then on Christmas Eve or close to that date, sit down with hot chocolate and
read the notes aloud together. This will help you get your hearts in the right
frame of mind for opening gifts and visiting with family.
3. Think outside
yourselves. Whether it’s a family member or a community need, be a blessing
to someone else. It could be a simple as shopping together for Toys for Tots,
or as elaborate as adopting a family for Christmas. Get your kids involved—as them
what they would like to do to help someone else this holiday. You’ll be
surprised by what they can come up with once you get their thoughts focused
outside of themselves.
4. Downsize the toys.
We all have too much stuff, so let’s get rid of some of it before Christmas.
With your children, go through their toys or things, mandating that they must
give away or toss a certain amount (depending on what you are starting
with). Guide them in their choices, but let them make the decisions. Having less
is always a good way to go into Christmas—and it’s easier to find places for
the new things to come.
5. Stop and smell the
pine needles. This time of year, we can become so busy that we hardly have
a moment to ourselves. Deliberately plan down time for the entire family to
spend watching a favorite holiday flick or singing carols around the fireplace.
Spend an afternoon or evening sharing favorite Christmas memories. Little things
like this can be relaxing and enjoyable for all members of your family—and help
you find a little peace amid the chaos of the season.
Q: Our 27-month-old son
is a late talker, only saying a few words. His hearing appears to be fine (and
he’s never had any ear infections). His lack of speech has me more concerned.
Should I worry or wait it out?
A. Most children develop speech in one of three ways: by
babbling, by babbling and thinking, and by thinking. The babblers make all
their grammatical and speech “mistakes” out in the open. You hear every new
sound and word all the time, from wrong pronunciations to grammar mishaps.
Babblers let their language development all hang out, so to speak.
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The middle ground group does a mixture of babbling and
pondering what the grammar rules are before speaking. Sometimes, this group
will try out new sounds out loud, while other times, these kids will figure it
out in their heads before saying a word.
The quiet ones in the last group are the kids that most
parents find somewhat troubling in that they rarely talk at all until suddenly
they’re using full sentences. These are the kids who want to know all the rules
about language that they can before uttering more than a few words—and thus
scaring their parents half to death with their quietness.
By around age 5, all three groups usual arrive at the same
level of proficiency in their native tongues. Or, as the Introduction to Language textbook put it, “Five-year-old children
are almost as proficient at speaking and understanding as are their parents.”
It sounds like you might have a “thinker” who wants to
figure out the rules before speaking too much. As long as he seems to follow
instructions, understand what you're saying, and communicates what he needs,
you probably have nothing to worry about.
Email Sarah if you have a parenting
question you would like to see answered on this blog.
Q: Our 5-year-old son
has been very defiant of late, and has taken to hitting, punching or kicking
his siblings or us whenever he’s upset or angry. We’ve tried time-outs in his
room, but he’s so angry that he has destroyed toys and other things in his
room. He’s our middle child (three year old and eight year old). Now he’s
started yelling that he hates us. What can we do to get our kind little boy
back?
A. Ah, welcome to the world of defiance! One of my children
(who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty) went through a similar phase
around that age. However, that doesn’t mean his behavior isn’t unacceptable or
that he can’t control himself. At this point, however, he doesn’t WANT to
control himself because it’s much more satisfying for him to throw the
household into chaos with his rants. Remember, too, that his words are not
necessarily his real feelings, as I’m sure your reaction to him saying he hates
you is partially fueling repeats of that particular phrase. So don’t take his
rantings personally.
To help him change his behavior, I recommend a two-fold
approach. First, institute Tickets. Give him four or five tickets per day that
will be lost if he does one of up to three targeted behaviors (just focus on
the top two or three misbehaviors for now). Then when he does one of the
targeted behaviors, simply say in a calm voice, "That's a ticket,"
remove one ticket and go on with your day. When he loses all tickets, he’s
confined to his room (with his toys removed) and put to bed directly after an
early supper.
Second, spend one-on-one time with all of your children on
as regular a basis as fits with your family. For example, in our family, my
husband and I take turns taking one child out to breakfast every other week.
The schedule is posted on the fridge and each child knows when his or her turn
is coming up. This has helped calm things in our household and gives Mom and
Dad a chance to connect with each child
without the distractions of the others.
Email Sarah if you have a parenting
question you would like to see answered on this blog.
In the business world, motivation has been a hot topic of late, and companies are spending a lot of time and money on figuring out how to motivate their employees to work better and smarter, and how to motivate their clients or customers to spend more and support the business more.
All this motivation talk has filtered down to families, with parents now concerned with how to motivate their children to do well in school, to do chores around the house, to practice an instrument or sport, etc. Many times, moms and dads think that motivation has to do with rewards--the proverbial dangling carrot--and so offer a lot of quid pro quo scenarios, as in:
If you clean your room, we'll go get ice cream.
If you get an A on your science test, I'll give you $20.
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But what that type of motivating will quickly stall because of the Saturation Principle, which basically says each child reaches a certain point with a reward system in which the reward is no longer enough to motivate the child to a particular behavior. In other words, $20 for an A on a science test might work for the first one or two tests, but then the child will need a bigger incentive to do the same thing $20 previously "bought." Or a clean room would soon need a triple fudge sundae as reward when a plain vanilla cone used to be enough.
What the rewards-based motivation parent fails to realize is that a child needs to learn to do something for that something's own sake, not for the carrot dangled in front of him. The old maxim A job well done is its own reward has a lot of truth in it, one that should be taught to children and should be lived out in our lives as adults.
The fact is, there are many jobs and tasks that we have to do because they need doing--housecleaning, cooking, shopping for groceries, etc.--most of those are pretty non-glamorous and rather boring for many of us. If we teach our children that any work must be rewarded as a way to motivate them to complete the task, then how will they learn to find the inner will to do things as adults when there is no longer an enticing carrot being offered for cleaning their room?
As I tell my kids, do the job, task, homework sheet, test, etc., to the best of your ability with a cheerful heart. Sure, sometimes there will be a special treat after a particular thing has been accomplished. We did celebrate with ice cream when the end-of-the-year testing was completed at school, for example. But most of the time, we expect our children to do well without an outside reward, and sometimes, they surprise us with how well they do the task at hand (sometimes, we're not surprised when the job has to be redone because of haste!).
Use rewards as motivation sparingly, and you'll be helping your children to find their own inner motivation.
Until next time,
Sarah
Grandma was right! There is an
easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are
choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that
used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the
20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment
expressed in the phrases.
I well remember “The Look” my mother would give when one of
us was not behaving ourselves as we should. It’s hard to describe, but once you
saw it, you knew trouble would follow unless you straightened up.
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Have you cultivated such a look? I think that many of
today’s parents can’t summon such a look anymore than their children would obey
it. A few reasons why come to mind.
First, many of
today’s parents are too busy trying to keep up with everything to notice when a
child’s behavior is about to veer into misbehaving territory. That’s really
what The Look is all about—assessing the near-danger and correcting it.
Second, many
parents have chucked such old fashioned parenting skills as The Look in favor
of more kid-friendly, warm-and-fuzzy methods that often involve more concern
about a child’s feelings than is good for the child. To them, The Look belongs
in a museum along with other parental advice relicts discussed in my Parenting
Basics blogs.
Third, many
parents haven’t laid the proper foundation of saying what they mean and meaning
what they say, so having a Look won’t do them any good—the children simply
wouldn’t obey anyway.
But from personal experience, having The Look comes in handy
in so many ways. It allows you to not interrupt your conversation with grownups
to address a potential dustup with your child. Just shoot Joy The Look when
she’s about to start turning cartwheels in the middle of the living room, and
nine times out of 10, you’ve nipped misbehavior in the bud.
The Look gives you another “weapon” in your parenting
arsenal. (I use “weapon” tongue in cheek!) I’ve found The Look to be an
effective means of body checking a child when words probably wouldn’t be as
effective.
The Look also provides a child with the means to correct his
behavior before it edges into consequence territory. It’s actually more
compassionate to develop The Look because of its ability to curb misbehavior in
its infancy. The Look also eliminates the need for speech, thus cutting down on
others overhearing your admonishments.
I encourage you to develop your own Look. One cautionary
note: The Look only works when your children know that you will follow up with
appropriate discipline if it’s not heeded. Otherwise, it will only become a
funny face Mom makes.
Until next time,
Sarah
From the day our eldest arrived in this world, I’ve slowly
come to realize I was out of synch with the majority of today’s mothers. It
took a few years, but now I’m okay with that. What do I mean by this?
I’m not the Mom who carries around a first aid kit in her
purse (although I do have one in the car now). Instead, I was the Mom who
arrived at a free, local children’s performance with three kids in tow, one of
which had fallen and scraped her knee at the entrance to the building. While I had
things under control—it was a little scrap with a tiny bit of blood—and my
daughter was calming down, literally three other moms offered Band-Aids (in
cartoon characters, naturally!), to me for my daughter.
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I’m not the Mom who plays with her children every day, or
even every week. Sure, we do things together, and we have family game time once
a week. But I don’t feel any compulsion to play with my kids on a regular
basis. (See my article, “ Playing
With Your Children Can Be More Than Fun and Games” for more on this topic.)
I’m not the Mom who feels guilty for saying to a child, “Go
away, you’re bothering me.” I know that kids need to entertain themselves, and
that it’s okay for them to realize that I have my own duties and chores to
attend.
I’m not the Mom whose whole world revolves around my
children. Don’t get me wrong—I love my children!—but I also love my husband.
And I enjoy my hobbies and outside interests, too.
I’m not the Mom who wants to be overly involved in my
child’s schooling. That’s their calling to be good, diligent students. It’s not
mine to oversee their homework, to remind them of project deadlines, or to
bring forgotten items to school.
I’m not the Mom who cares overmuch what others think of my
parenting. I’m more focused on how my parenting is impacting my children—not
whether other parents think of my methods or philosophy.
I’m not the Mom who focuses on the short term. I’m more
concerned with what my child will be at age 30 than whether or not he’ll make
the traveling soccer team. I nip behavior in the bud to avoid dealing with a
bigger problem down the road.
I’m not the Mom who takes children way to seriously. Raising
kids should be taken seriously, but kids themselves? Nah, they’re way to silly
and illogical to be taken with more than a grain of salt.
What kind of Mom are you?
Until next time,
Sarah
Many parents today have expressed, by their words and
actions, their deep desire to have a child who disobeys. After all, such a
child is a joy and credit to any parent! If you have want your child to become
disobedient, then follow these tried-and-true methods. When you do, little
Johnny or darling Suzie will be the most disobedient children you’ve ever seen.
First, don’t mean
what you say. If you tell a child once to do something, and he doesn’t do
it, then repeat yourself until you give up. This way, you will seem like you
are being a good parent but really teach your children not to heed your words.
Second, ignore
wrongdoing. If you see your children hit another child, run around in a
restaurant or other misbehaviors, simply turn the other way and pretend you see
nothing. This teaches your children that they can get away with anything. So
let them run wild in a restaurant or climb over the “do not pass” rope in the
museum. The more you turn your back on childish misbehavior, the more
disobedient your child will become.
Third, be
inconsistent with discipline. Instead of nipping misbehavior when you see
the first inkling, you let it slide until you can’t take it any longer. Then
yell at the kids and the whole cycle begins anew.
Fourth, feel guilty
about hurting their feelings. Whenever your parenting decisions triggers
tears and pleas, reverse yourself immediately. This way, you’ll make sure your
child will know that you can be convinced to change your mind. That’s key to a
helping your child become a disobedient one.
I’m sure you can probably think of more ways to help your
child be disobedient, but these will put you on the right path. Of course, if
you want an obedient child, simply flip these suggestions 180 degrees and
follow those precepts.
Until next time,
Sarah
In our family, we love the Fourth of July. Our city has a
wonderful parade, that our American Heritage Girls troop participates in each
year (this year, we have a float!). We are proud to be Americans, enjoying so
many freedoms in this wonderful country of ours.
Patriotism has become less than desirable these days in some
circles, especially in non-military adults. For example, in a recent Washington
Post travel article, the author talked about going back to Colonial
Williamsburg, and how he felt uncomfortable with all the blatant patriotism on
display (even though he admitted to loving the place as a child).
How we honor our country and celebrate our Independence
says a lot to our children about how they should treat the United
States of America. If we pooh-pooh
patriotism, our children will wonder why they should honor the flag. If we
don’t make an effort to talk about our country’s history (the good and the
bad), our children will grow up without a firm foundation in what it means to
be an American. If we neglect to remind them—and ourselves—of the huge
sacrifices our military men and women have made over the years for our freedom
and the freedom of others around the world, our children will more easily take
fore granted their own freedoms.
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Here are some tips on how to celebrate July Fourth all
year-round.
Fly the flag. Yes,
some people have the flag as a permanent
part of their outside décor, but keeping the flag for special days tells
a different story, that the flag is part of how we honor our country. Flag
flying days include June 14 (flag day), Memorial Day, July 4, and Veterans Day.
Make sure you treat the flag respectfully and follow the U.S. Flag Code.
Honor veterans.
Go beyond a simple, “Thank you for your service” to a military member in
uniform. Make an effort to spend time with veterans and active service members.
Stop by an American Legion post, get to know a local military family, and lay
wreaths at Christmas as part of Wreaths Across America. Greet an Honor Flight
of veterans or a Homecoming Flight of active duty service members.
Talk positively about
America. Yes, there are things that need
fixing in our country, but overall, we have enjoyed tremendous freedoms. Pepper
your conversation with what’s great about America
to balance the discussion.
Encourage immigrants to
become citizens. In our melting pot world, we have many opportunities to
encounter immigrants. Often, these are our neighbors, our fellow churchgoers, and
our children’s school friends. I well remember how excited our previous
neighbors—originally from the Kurdish region of Iraq—were
to receive their citizenship. We rejoiced with them in becoming Americans at
last.
These are just a few ways we can honor our country. What are
some ways your family celebrates the Fourth of July?
Until next time,
Sarah
Grandma was right! There is an
easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are
choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that
used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the
20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment
expressed in the phrases.
“I’m only going to say this once.” How many of us actually
follow this stellar piece of advice? In my personal experience, not many. At
the park, I’ve watched parents tell a child, “It’s time to go” multiple times,
their voices growing increasingly shrill and strident with each repetition.
We’ve come to expect that children can’t hear as well as they
used to when parents of previous generations said it once and that was enough.
Somehow, kids today have collectively developed “listener’s ear,” in which they
will only listen when they want to, not when Mom or Dad speaks. We read
articles and books about how we need to relate to children on their own level
so that they will want to hear what we have to say.
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But the fact of the matter is parents today endlessly repeat
instructions because their children haven’t been properly trained to listen—and
obey—them. Kids must be taught how to listen to instructions the first time.
And the secret to that is so simple, you’re going to wonder why you didn’t
think of it yourself.
The secret to kids listening the first time is to only say
it once. It’s really that simple. Oh, wait, I can hear your question, “What
about when they don’t listen and do what’s being asked once?”
That’s when you levy consequences. When my kids don’t listen
the first time, it’s rare that I repeat myself (hey, I’m only human!). I’ve
been consistent with discipline when they fail to heed my words and that means “I’m
only going to say this once” works in our house—and it can in yours, too.
So stop sounding like a broken record (or iPod stuck on
repeat?), and start saying something once, then keeping your mouth shut. Follow
through with appropriate consequences, and you’ll find your kids suddenly
develop good listening skills and you are no longer repeating yourself all the
time.
Until next time,
Sarah
This is the companion
piece to last Tuesday’s blog on “What Moms Can Learn From Dads.”
Moms are good at, well, mothering. What dads can learn from
moms might not be what you think.
What Dads Can Learn
From Moms
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- A kiss makes everything better.
Sometimes, kids just need a nonverbal clue that things will be all right,
and Moms seem to know this instinctively. A kiss on a boo-boo, a hug when
a child’s scared, a smile to show you care. Dads tend to be more results-oriented,
and might not think to provide such nonverbal gestures. So a few extra
kisses and hugs would be a good way to show the kids Dad cares.
- Consistency matters. Fathers often
want to pooh-pooh routines—and sometimes, that’s okay. But kids thrive on
consistency, and it’s a good rule of thumb to keep to routines as much as
possible. Especially in the area of discipline, having a dependable way of
doing things can be very reassuring to a child.
- Take care of the small stuff. Dads
might be more inclined to overlook small infractions or misbehaviors, but
most moms know that such dereliction of duty when it comes to discipline
can create a much bigger problem down the road. So when you see
misbehavior, nip it in the bud and save yourself—and your children,
too—future heartache.
- Be the parent. Too many dads slip
into “buddy” mode with their children, wanting to pal around rather than
be the father figure. Sure, playing with your kids is fine, but they need
to see you as the parent, the leader in the home, not their friend. So
stop horsing around with your kids as equals and be the father-leader they
need.
What do you think are some things fathers can learn from
mothers?
Until next time,
Sarah
For some strange reason, a rivalry has sprung up among
parents as to which one is the better parent—Mom or Dad. Unfortunately, this
has caused nothing but angst and arguments, as moms try to get dad to do things
“her” way and dads stay content to be regulated to the “buddy” status.
Used to be that moms stayed home with the kids and dads went
to work, thus ensuring that most of the child-rearing fell on the female
parent. But a new Pew
Research Center analysis of U.S. Census Bureau data has found a growing
trend for fathers to stay home with the kids.
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Pew Research found that the number of fathers who are at
home with their children for any reason has nearly doubled since 1989, when 1.1
million were in this category. It reached its highest point—2.2 million—in
2010, just after the official end of the recession, which spanned from 2007 to
2009. Since that time, the number has fallen slightly, driven mainly by
declines in unemployment.
This week, I’m going to talk about what moms can learn from
dads. Next week, we’ll tackle what dads can learn from moms.
What Moms Can Learn
From Dads
- Trivia is just trivia. In other
words, matching outfits aren’t that important. Sometimes, we as moms focus
on things that truly don’t matter much in the entire scheme of things.
Dads get this instinctively, in that they’re less likely to fret of the
outfit is on backwards, the sock don’t match or the boy is wearing his
sister’s t-shirt.
- It’s is the thought that counts.
At times, we are more consumed with the details of how something—a game, a
party, an event—happens that we miss enjoying the sentiment behind the
thing. This is why we sometimes get annoyed if the counter isn’t wiped off
but the dishes are done (guilty!).
- The boring stuff can wait more than we
think. As mothers, we often are driven to clean, cook, and organize to
the extent that we forget to slow down and enjoy the kids and situation.
Dads are really good at this (read: sometimes, too good!), but we should
take a page from their laid-back book and realize there should be times
when the dishes stay unwashed and the carpet unvaccumed so that we can do
something with our families.
- The kids will be all right. We
sometimes obsess with how our parenting decisions will impact our
children, we replay conversations in our minds to dissect how they could
have gone “better,” and we basically get a little crazy about things our
children do or don’t do. But dads, on the other hand, generally roll with
the punches and seem to realize that no matter what we do or don’t do as
parents, the kids will be all right.
What do you think are some things mothers can learn from
fathers?
Until next time,
Sarah
We've always had early bedtimes for our kids, starting from infancy until now. Yes, there were times when my husband didn't get to see the baby because she or he was asleep for the night by 6 p.m., but that only lasted a few months at best.
Even today, our children go to bed early in comparison to most of their peers. While the bedtimes get stretched, especially on a summer's night when the cool waters of the pool beckons us after dinner, most of the time, we stick with the bedtimes.
Why this emphasis on sleep for our kids? For our good and for theirs, of course. Here's why earlier bedtimes are good for both parents and kids.
1. It's grown up time! Parents get time for each other when the kids are in bed at a decent hour. I've heard of kids--and I mean young elementary school age--who stay up as late as their parents. When do mom and dad have anytime without a child awake nearby? Zero. And that isn't conducive to a healthy marriage.
2. Less crankiness, more pleasantness. The right amount of sleep for children ages 5 and up is between 8 and 9 hours a night. When a child rarely gets that much sleep, it impacts his ability to exercise self control, among other positive attributes. Sleep studies have shown that sleep-deprived children behave as if they have ADD or ADHD, too. More sleep equals a better disposition.
3. Better school performance. Just like eating the right foods, sleep is important to growing bodies because it is one of the ways the brain uses to run at optimal functionality. Less sleep means less ability to concentrate and learn during school.
4. Slimmer waistlines. Recent studies have found a direct correlation between lack of sleep and weight gain in both adults and children. A study released this week in Pediatrics found that children who consistently got less than the recommended sleep for their ages were 2.5 times more likely to be obese at age 7 than their peers who got enough sleep.
We as parents need to think of sleep as essential to our children's well-being as their diet and exercise. Yes, you can't make them go to sleep, but we can provide the framework of a good bedtime and a good example ourselves.
Until next time,
Sarah
Q: My soon-to-be five-year-old
son is extremely bossy. While this was rather charming when he was a toddler,
it has become quite exasperating! He likes to tell his friends what to do (“Throw
the football like this, not like that”), me how to set the table (“Put the
napkin like this!”) and his father how to give him a hug. Is this normal? What
can I do to stop our little boss?
A: What’s cute in a two-year-old has become tedious in a
preschooler. Your son is acting perfectly normal for his age. Some children
have more of a tendency to be more bossy than others, but generally all kids
like to tell others how to do something or how to behave. But in his case, it’s
also become a bad habit, one he can’t break on his own.
However, that doesn’t mean you should tolerate his bossy
behavior toward you and her father (or any other adult, for that matter). I
would leave the being bossy around his peers alone for now. He’ll eventually
learn to moderate himself soon enough, as kids are notoriously good at telling
other children to back off or stop it.
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You can curb his corrections towards you by employing the
ticket system. You tell him the targeted behavior is telling you or his father what
to do. He’ll have three “free” ticket a day (strips of colored paper will do).
Each day, he starts off with his three ticket margin of error. During the day,
whenever he tries to be the boss, he loses one ticket. If he loses all three
tickets before the end of the day, he’s confined to his room for the rest of
the day and is put to bed directly after an early supper.
Each time he tells you what to do or what shouldn't be done
(same thing), you just smile and say, "That's a ticket!" Direct him
to pluck one off the fridge or get it yourself. The key is to not talk about
the behavior beyond calling the ticket. He'll likely run through his tickets
fairly quickly at first, but he'll soon realize his bossiness is only getting him
into his room.
I think you’ll find that as he learns to stop bossing you and
your husband around, he will also be less bossy with his friends.
Email Sarah if you have a parenting
question you would like to see answered on this blog.
Q: My six-year-old
daughter won’t stop licking her arm. She has done this since she was little! I
have told her to stop and asked why she licks her arm. I have tried taking away
her favorite stuffed animal and blankie but it still continues. She now has a
sore on her arm from the licking. Is this normal and what can we do to make her
stop?
A: You can’t make her stop, but you can help her not do it
as much. Kids are weird, and often do strange things, like pull their hair out,
lick their arms, and rub themselves in places we'd rather them not even know
about at her age. Most of the time, ignoring the habit will let it run its
course and the child stops on her own.
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However, you’ve bought into the modern notion that if a
child does something strange, there must be a reason—thus the questions and
conversations about licking, the attempts on your part to “make” her stop, and
the worry and fretting you’ve done on your own because of her bad habit. I’m sorry
to say that you’re part of the problem, and you’ve contributed the lion’s share
of making a mountain out of a mole hill. After all this, you've learned that
you cannot get your daughter to stop, right? She’s kept on and probably longer
than she would have if you had simply not gotten involved.
But you can provide guidance to help her stop. First,
perhaps right before bed or first thing in the morning, tell her that you’ve
noticed she’s been licking her arm a lot, and that you’ve decided she can lick
her arm to her heart’s content in her very own licking room (a powder room or
some equally boring place away from everyone in the house). Whenever she wants
to lick her arm, she’s to go to that special room. If she forgets, you’ll
remind her by saying, “Remember your special licking room!”
Second, make that the last conversation about her licking or
not licking. From now on, you’ve got nothing to say about her licking or
questions to ask her about her licking. If she says her arm is sore, simply
shrug and say, “I’m sorry to hear that” and walk away. This is not engaging her
in conversation about licking is key—you have to starve the licking monster
before it will fade away on its own.
If you stick to the plan, she should have her licking under
control within a few weeks. She might not completely give up her habit, as you
can’t make someone else stop something. At the very least, you won’t have to
see her licking and your reaction won’t fuel the licking fire.
Email Sarah if you have a parenting
question you would like to see answered on this blog.
“If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands.” Most
parents have probably heard their child sing that song, along with the
accompanying hand motions. It’s a hard song to sing or listen to without
smiling, given its up tempo beat and usually enthusiastic rendering by a child.
When hearing that song, I’ll bet some of us wish happiness was as easily gained
by silly lyrics and an infectious tune.
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Image courtesy of stockimages/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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But it’s not, is it? Happiness can sometimes be as elusive
as that fabled bluebird that brings joy to its hearers. When I read about how
parenting doesn’t make us happy, I wonder if we’re asking the right question.
Since when does anything make us
happy? Can our spouses make us happy?
Can our children make us happy? Can
the perfect job make us happy? Can
the right haircut make us happy?
The Declaration of Independence wisely doesn’t promise us
happiness, but rather strove to provide a nation in which the pursuit of
happiness wouldn’t be restricted by onerous laws and curtailment of freedom. This
idea that we have to be happy all the time—and if we’re not, then we need to
change what we’re doing or who we’re with—is a modern invention. If you asked
people a half century ago about their personal happiness, most would have
scoffed at such an idea. That’s not to say people weren’t happy; they just
weren’t as obsessed with whether or not they were happy as we are today.
How does that translate into parenthood? Quite simply, if we
focus too much attention on being happy, we will teach our children that feeling
happy is more important than being cheerful when doing our chores. We will show
by our actions that personal happiness is more important than the happiness of
our family as a whole. In short, we will raise kids who place more value on a transient
feeling rather than a intrinsic character trait.
Talking about, worrying about, trying to grab our own
happiness rather than finding contentment in whatever the situation will likely
make us more unhappy than joyful. The constant stress on happiness will erode any
sense of joy in the little things of life, any peace in our circumstances and
any chance of obtaining long-term enjoyment of our families.
We need to teach our children that true peace and joy comes
not from a feeling of happiness but from a contentment with life. That doesn’t
mean we eschew finding solutions to problems or ignore obvious troubles that we
should address. It does mean that we work on helping our kids see that
happiness is more than clapping our hands along to a catchy tune—it’s as varied
as the colors of the rainbow. True happiness comes from true satisfaction with
who we are deep down inside. That’s something that’s worth pursuing.
Until next time,
Sarah
Do you want to have a calmer, happier child-raising
experience? Then you need to develop the habits of an effective parent. These
commonsense principles can transform your parenting from ineffective to less
stressful.
Here are the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Parents.
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| Image courtesy of photostock/FreeDigitalPhotos.net |
The first habit is to
know that the child raises the child. As a parent, you have a roll to
play—an important one—but you have to realize in the end, you are only guiding
and advising your child. You cannot make your child’s heart change. You cannot
make your child obey. You cannot make your child grow up to be whoever you
think he should become. This is why children from good homes can turn out
badly, while children from horrible homes can turn out well.
The second habit is
to realize there’s no magic bullet when it comes to consequences. The fact
of the matter is that as long as you do something on a consistent basis, it
doesn’t matter what the punishment is. For some kids, timeout works wonders, but
for others, timeout doesn’t. Parents often rush around doling out one
consequence after another in the hopes that one will “work” and correct a
child’s behavior. But the first habit points out the futility in that. We need
to do something, and keep doing something, but the “something” can change from
child to child or from misbehavior to misbehavior. Changing it up in discipline
keeps your kids on their toes, too.
The third habit is to
raise kids with family and community in mind. For whom are you raising your
kids? Yourself or others? Several generations ago, it was a given that children
were raised for others, not just for the family or parents. That understanding
meant that parents in the community looked out for each other’s kids, giving a
corrective word when needed and a pat on the back when deserved. Parents
drilled manners and respect for others so that their children knew how to
behave around neighbors, friends and the community at large. Children knew
their proper place in that community and thrived there.
The fourth habit is
to remember that child rearing is not any harder than other life experiences. Let’s
face it—we have become a nation of parenting wimps. It seems everyone is
engaged in a game of one-upmanship when it comes to parenting stories. Yes,
some stages of parenting is harder physically than others, while other times,
it’s mentally draining. But in reality, parenting seems harder because we make
it harder by over-scheduling, over-committing, overdoing it with our kids. It
doesn’t have to be like that, and we can take a step back and have simpler
lives that puts child-rearing in its proper place.
The fifth habit is to
have a full life outside of your children. When was the last time you had a
date with your husband that didn’t involve talking about your kids for the
whole time? When was the last time you picked up a hobby or did something only
for yourself? If we as parents don’t take the time to have a rich, full life
outside of caring for our children, we run the risk of losing ourselves. One
day, these precious ones will be grown and living their own lives—and that’s a
wonderful thing! When that day comes, don’t be the mom or dad with a totally
empty life.
The sixth habit is to
be the leaders, not the followers, in the family. Yes, your children want
to be in charge, but resist the urge and step up to the plate. Lead, and your
children will follow. Give directions clearly and concisely.
The seventh habit is
to enjoy your kids. When was the last time you laughed with your kids? Really
had a good time when out with the family? Parents who are effective enjoy
spending time with their children. Overall, they like having their kids around,
even if they are not doing something together. They find pleasure in surprising
their children. They don’t feel stressed all the time with raising kids—they actually
enjoy their children.
By following these 7 habits of highly effective parents, you
should have a relaxing, relatively calm child-rearing experience.
Until next time,
Sarah
Having more than two kids these days can raise a lot of
eyebrows, as I’ve found out when mentioning our four kids. But what many people
fail to realize is the many benefits to siblings are to children. A January
2014 article in the Christian Science Monitor illustrates just one of those
advantages.
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Image courtesy of stockimages/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net |
“In large families, young kids can’t always get a lot of
individual attention from parents, but healthy interactions with an older
sibling might help compensate for that,” the article opens. A new study by
Canadian researchers found that when older siblings help and interact with
younger ones, it benefited both. The study’s authors admitted that more
research is needed to determine the full extent of the benefits, but the
findings of this limited data intrigued me.
Siblings are more than an annoyance to each other—they are
an integral part in how each child develops. For older siblings, schoolwork is
reinforced as they assist younger brothers or sisters to learn material they’ve
already covered in school. Reading
is strengthened as they read books to younger siblings. Leadership skills are
developed as they manage the play of multiple children of differing ages.
Having brothers and sisters can be a great advantage to your
kids, one that will be more of a positive than a negative. “Siblings really
play this very strong role in how kids come out,” said Jennifer Jenkins, the
study’s senior author. “I’d like people to think about those sibling
relationships a little bit more and then how to strengthen them.”
Until next time,
Sarah
“It’s like getting FREE windows
for a year!” So the flyer for a window company claimed, but of course, the
windows really aren’t free. You’re just delaying payment for a year and
incurring interest. After the year, you end up owing more than you would have
for the privilege of not paying for the windows for an entire year.
Aren’t we like that as parents? Don’t we push off until “tomorrow”
the pain of disciplining our children today? Don’t we more often opt to “pay”
at a later date rather than effectively deal with the mess right now?
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What does those delaying tactics get us? A gargantuan problem,
one that has grown to an unmanageable size, much like the payment due for
window purchased but not paid for an entire 12 months.
When we elect for expedient’s or convenience’s sake to let
the small discipline issues with our children slide, we set ourselves up for a
bigger headache down the road. When we decide that we’d rather have quiet than
correct, when we pick the here-and-now over the future, that’s how little
problems gain ground and become big, disruptive and, at times, nearly catastrophic.
Being consistent in our discipline takes time and effort and
energy—often the trio of things we have in short supply. Who has time to stop
and correct behavior while cooking dinner, washing clothes or talking with your
spouse? Who wants to put effort into staying on top of a chronic misbehavior?
Who has the energy to repeatedly train a toddler how to act around the cat?
The fact of the matter is, we need to take the time, we need
to put forth the effort, and we need to summon the energy to stay as consistent
as possible when disciplining our children. By doing so, we give them a safe
place to be themselves. We provide stability and love. We give them clear
boundaries that need less testing. Above all, we show them that dealing with
problems when they are small makes life now and in the future easier and better.
Sure, it’s not easy, and I fail all too often. But the best
thing you can do is to wake every morning, look at your lovely children, and
vow to take the time, effort and energy that day to paying attention to their
needs, correcting their behavior when necessary, and loving them no matter
what.
Until next time,
Sarah
How happy are you as a parent? That’s a question that has
been bouncing around social media and the Internet lately, especially since new
research from sociologist Jennifer Glass indicated that being an American
parent doesn’t mean you’re happy.
Her research
seems to contradict the widespread belief that being a parent makes you happier
and wealthier. “If you go ask parents, they’ll tell you, ‘Being a parent is
great. I love my kids. It’s best thing I’ve ever done,’” said Glass. “Then you
go to the empirical data, and find that all types of parenthood have negative
effects on happiness and mental health.”
Glass posits that parenting produces fewer emotional
benefits than other adult social roles. “Employment and marriage provide you
with money and social status,” she said. “Parenthood doesn’t provide you with
either of those and exposes you to more stress, which either cancels out or
exceeds the emotional rewards of having children.”
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What Glass’s research says to me is that we’ve turned child
rearing into something difficult, hard, and downright burdensome to mothers in
particular. We’ve become parents who are so concerned about everything we do as
we rear our children that we’ve forgotten to enjoy them, to relax, to not sweat
the mistakes (theirs or ours).
In short, we’ve made parenting all about what we do as opposed to who we are. What we do has less impact than who we are.
Parents who accept the fact that children will misbehave sometimes, that they
will choose to do the wrong thing despite our best efforts to steer them to the
right thing, will be happier in the long run. Why? Because we know that it’s
not entirely up to us how our kids turn out—our children have a very real part
in that.
Mothers and fathers can have a more relaxed, happy and
playful parenthood when they stop living like every decision they make will
make or break their child’s future. Yes, we still need to have a care in how we
raise our children, but we can also relax and stress about the mistakes we make
along the way. We can have fun with our children and not stress about the
misbehavior (although we do need to discipline them for those wrongdoings).
Live your life as a parent by realizing it’s not all up to
you how your child turns out and you will have a happier parenthood, one that
is filled with joy, fun, wonder, and above all, love.
Until next time,
Sarah
Can you handle the truth about parenting?
Most parents want to believe that if they do everything
right—are the world’s best parent—then their kids will be perfect. We want to
know that what we do, or what we don’t do, is of utmost importance in forming
our children into responsible, respectful and resourceful human beings.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
The truth is that no matter how good a parent you are, your
child is still capable, on any given day, of doing something despicable,
disgusting and depraved.
That’s the cold, hard truth that we don’t want to face.
That’s the reason why good kids can come from truly horrible homes. That’s the
reason why kids from good homes sometimes go off the rails and do terrible, bad
things.
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So what’s a parent to do when faced with the cold, hard
truth? The right thing, of course.
The right thing is not enrichment classes, team sports,
individual sports, after school activities, good grades, etc., etc., and so
forth. Those simply teach a child skills. The right thing is much harder than
the helping a child excel at something.
The right thing is teaching our children the value of human
life, the value of responsibility, the value of respectfulness, the value of
being thoughtful, kind, considerate, compassionate, and reverent.
The right thing is making our children feel bad when they
misbehave, so that they will choose a better path. The right thing is to make
our children responsible for their actions by levying appropriate punishments
for misdeeds.
The right thing is realizing that, while we should do our
very best to raise our children to be upstanding citizens, our kids have the
final say in how they turn out. In other words, as parents, we don’t raise our
child. The child raises the child. We simply provide the framework for him to
do so.
Parents should do the right thing not for the immediate
rewards, but for the intangible future. What will you do?
Until next time,
Sarah
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