An Insulting Situation

Q: My daughter insults me any chance she gets. For example, when I offered to help with college applications, she said she didn’t need any assistance from a housewife. My heart is broken by this constant stream of insulting behavior. My husband words long hours and tries to stay out of this, but it’s gotten to the point that I don’t even want to talk to her! What can I do?

A: Quite a lot, as it turns out. Since your daughter’s likely a senior (the college applications were a clueJ), I’m not sure there’s much you can do to change her attitude—the only person who can change that is your daughter.

But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do to rectify the situation. Start by stop playing the game. Make no mistake, your reaction is partly to blame. Not that she has any right to insult you, but because of how you react to her insults, she has gotten addicted to finding ways to get that reaction. So to cut down on the insults, cut down on your participation. It takes two to play this game, but if you stop playing, she’ll lose interest.

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Remember, teenagers, especially teen girls, are drama queens. Your reaction to her insults feeds the drama machine and thus keeps the cycle of insults/reactions going on and on and on. Deprive those insults of their oxygen and your daughter’s insults will slowly “starve” away.

If you must reply to her, simply raise your eyebrows and murmur, “hmmm, interesting” or something vague. Then walk away. Don’t respond to anything insulting she says with less than a noncommittal answer—but only do this once. She’ll try to follow you to engage the game, but just keep walking away. Go in your room and close the door in her face if you have to.

By not playing the game with her, you will step off the rollercoaster and leave her to stew in her own juices. Soon, she will tire of playing a game that doesn’t go her way, and her insults will lessen. Continue this each time she’s defiant and disrespectful, and you’ll develop a more calm attitude toward her.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Kicking It

Q. I need to do something to stop my preteen’s (12 year old) ongoing disrespect of me. It has now spilled over to other adults, such as his insulting our dinner guests last week. I am considering taking away his prized, brand-new camera, as it is long past time to teach him a lesson in this area. Your thoughts?

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A. No disrespect, but this blatant disrespect needs more than a token consequence. Taking away his prized camera is only a token consequence. What this boy needs pronto is to be kicked, as in Kicked Out of The Garden. His wake-up call needs to be loud and long to stop his slid into a degenerate teenager—which is where he is headed unless you stop pussyfooting around and get down to business.

First of all, kicking him out of his garden is no more than stripping his life down to the essentials. That means all of his possessions except for a few basic items of clothing and school gear (backpack, notebooks, etc., but no computers, electronics of any kind, music, sports activities, after school activities, etc.) will be put in storage or at least in a place inaccessible to him.

Then put up a 30-block chart on the refrigerator. Each day he’s not disrespectful gets a block crossed off at bedtime. You’ll need to be specific, such as “You are to answer me yes or no ma’am when spoken to,” etc. Tell him that the 30-day chart starts over anytime he’s disrespectful to you. When he can go the full 30 days without being disrespectful, he gets back his least favorite item or privilege. Each day after the 30 that he’s not disrespectful, he gets back another item or privilege, starting with what he values the least to what he values the most.

This should cure him after some false starts. However, please remember two things. 1) He may never get back all of his stuff/privileges. Some kids would rather wallow in misery than admit someone else has authority over them. 2) It’s up to him to change. You can’t change him. All you can do is establish what you expect and what you won’t tolerate.

Some might call this plan of attack overkill, but you have a hoodlum in training who needs a jolt to learn how to control his tongue and attitude. This is for his own good as well as for the good of your family. It’s time to kick things into high gear and reboot his life. No halfway measures will do.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.