An Unruly Child

Q: Our 5-year-old son has been very defiant of late, and has taken to hitting, punching or kicking his siblings or us whenever he’s upset or angry. We’ve tried time-outs in his room, but he’s so angry that he has destroyed toys and other things in his room. He’s our middle child (three year old and eight year old). Now he’s started yelling that he hates us. What can we do to get our kind little boy back?

A. Ah, welcome to the world of defiance! One of my children (who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty) went through a similar phase around that age. However, that doesn’t mean his behavior isn’t unacceptable or that he can’t control himself. At this point, however, he doesn’t WANT to control himself because it’s much more satisfying for him to throw the household into chaos with his rants. Remember, too, that his words are not necessarily his real feelings, as I’m sure your reaction to him saying he hates you is partially fueling repeats of that particular phrase. So don’t take his rantings personally.

To help him change his behavior, I recommend a two-fold approach. First, institute Tickets. Give him four or five tickets per day that will be lost if he does one of up to three targeted behaviors (just focus on the top two or three misbehaviors for now). Then when he does one of the targeted behaviors, simply say in a calm voice, "That's a ticket," remove one ticket and go on with your day. When he loses all tickets, he’s confined to his room (with his toys removed) and put to bed directly after an early supper.

Second, spend one-on-one time with all of your children on as regular a basis as fits with your family. For example, in our family, my husband and I take turns taking one child out to breakfast every other week. The schedule is posted on the fridge and each child knows when his or her turn is coming up. This has helped calm things in our household and gives Mom and Dad a chance to connect  with each child without the distractions of the others.

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An Insulting Situation

Q: My daughter insults me any chance she gets. For example, when I offered to help with college applications, she said she didn’t need any assistance from a housewife. My heart is broken by this constant stream of insulting behavior. My husband words long hours and tries to stay out of this, but it’s gotten to the point that I don’t even want to talk to her! What can I do?

A: Quite a lot, as it turns out. Since your daughter’s likely a senior (the college applications were a clueJ), I’m not sure there’s much you can do to change her attitude—the only person who can change that is your daughter.

But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do to rectify the situation. Start by stop playing the game. Make no mistake, your reaction is partly to blame. Not that she has any right to insult you, but because of how you react to her insults, she has gotten addicted to finding ways to get that reaction. So to cut down on the insults, cut down on your participation. It takes two to play this game, but if you stop playing, she’ll lose interest.

Image courtesy of imagerymajestic/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Remember, teenagers, especially teen girls, are drama queens. Your reaction to her insults feeds the drama machine and thus keeps the cycle of insults/reactions going on and on and on. Deprive those insults of their oxygen and your daughter’s insults will slowly “starve” away.

If you must reply to her, simply raise your eyebrows and murmur, “hmmm, interesting” or something vague. Then walk away. Don’t respond to anything insulting she says with less than a noncommittal answer—but only do this once. She’ll try to follow you to engage the game, but just keep walking away. Go in your room and close the door in her face if you have to.

By not playing the game with her, you will step off the rollercoaster and leave her to stew in her own juices. Soon, she will tire of playing a game that doesn’t go her way, and her insults will lessen. Continue this each time she’s defiant and disrespectful, and you’ll develop a more calm attitude toward her.

Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.