Yelling Mom Wants to Stop

Q. I have three children under the age of 6. I work full time and have a husband who travel frequently. And I yell at my kids a lot—by a lot, I mean almost every day. I don’t want to be this crazy person who screams at her kids, but I don’t know how to stop. Help me please!

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A. We’ve all been there. Anyone who says they never yell at their kids isn’t being totally honest. So rest assured, it’s perfectly normal to yell sometimes. Your plate seems full to overflowing right now with a full-time job, a husband out of town a lot, and three small children. Here are some suggestions for lowering the stress level and helping you to work calm responses into your parenting day.

First, scale back on any extras, such as music lessons, sports activities, etc. Just step back for now to give you some breathing time. Commit to doing nothing extra for six months and re-evaluate then.

Second, hire a Mommy’s helper to assist with evenings or Saturdays when your husband is away. Having an extra pair of hands around while you cook dinner or do laundry will help those weeks you’re essentially a single parent.

Third, give yourself permission to let things slide, including housework. Don’t beat yourself up if the dust bunnies proliferate under the couch for a few months. You’re your kids chores to do and then don’t sweat the less-than-pristine house.

Fourth, look for ways to reduce your workload. Double your recipes to use twice in one week to cut down on kitchen time. Perhaps a friend would be interested in swapping meals to give some variety. Do laundry only every other week.

Fifth, pinpoint your trigger moments. Is it the witching hour before dinner? The before-bedtime crazies? If you can find a pattern to your stress points, you can usually figure out how to counter those before you get to the yelling stage.

Sixth, use timers to help the kids get things accomplished, which should cut down on your yelling at them to get ready for bed. That usually works pretty well for youngsters.

Finally, remember that sometimes, you just have to let things go and tackle them tomorrow or the next day or the weekend. Life is more about doing stuff, and having a calmer mommy is what’s best for your kids.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

Parent Watch

Whenever we go to the indoor playground at my local mall, I find myself watching the parents more than the kids. During a recent visit with my four-year-old son, I saw at least six different types of parents.

The Follower. This is the parent who hovers a step or two behind their child. The Follower is quick to help the child overcome any obstacle. This parent is quick to lift him to the top of the climbing structure rather than letting the child try to do it by himself.

The Documenter. This parent sticks close by the child with the intent to record the child’s every “accomplishment” no matter how minor. The click of a camera follows the child’s every move, like the child has her own entourage of paparazzi.

The Commentator. Similar to the Follower, this parent keeps up a running patter to accompany the child’s circuit of the play area. The one-sided conversation sounds like a radio sports broadcaster describing a game on the field: “Oh, you’re going to the train. What sound does a train make? Wooh, wooh. Are you a conductor or a passenger?”

The Player. This is the parent who gets down on his knees to play with his child. The Player interacts with the child constantly, doing ever sillier things and directing the child’s play, forgetting that the parent is not the child’s peer.

The Referee. This parent jumps in whenever there’s the tiniest conflict between her child and another. The Referee rarely allows the children to figure out things on their own. She orchestrates the makeup and will usually make the children play according to her rules.

The Relaxer. This parent sits on the sidelines, checking on her child every once in a while, but trusting that the child can solve his problems on his own. She prefers to let the kid do the playing, while she reads a book.

Which type of parent are you?