Parenting Basics: What Do Britches Have to do With Anything?

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

To those who think britches, an old-fashioned word for pants, has nothing to do with child-rearing, I say read on! The phrase “You’re acting too big for your britches” is one that should be employed by every parent, if not in actual word, at least in sentiment.

Someone who’s too big for their pants is one who is too arrogant. The origin of the phrase, “You’re too big for your britches” has its roots in the 1830s and means one who  thinks too highly of himself than he ought to. In the middle of the last century, the phrase was often said in conjunction with “If you don’t size yourself to your britches, I’ll do it for you.”

A similar phrase used in previous generations of parents is “You need to be taken down a peg or two,” which has its origin in the ancient practice of ranking people on a vertical peg board, with one’s name represented by a peg. The higher on the peg, the higher in society you ranked. Thus to be taken down a notch or peg meant that you had gotten above your station in life and needed to be reminded of your proper place.

Today, with many parents buying into the notion that families are a democracy (that’s a discussion for another blog), the notion that a child could in fact be acting above where she ought might smack of classism. But nothing could be further from the truth when it comes to children. Parents nowadays routinely allow their children to grow inflated egos, to think themselves much more important than they should be.

In our quest for equality, we’ve forgotten what the parents of yesteryear understood intuitively: that youngsters had no problem thinking too highly of themselves and need to be taught otherwise. Basically, the phrase “you’re too big for your britches” is an antidote to high self-esteem. A child with high self-esteem, as I’ve talked about on this blog before, is one who puts herself above all others, who focuses more on what her needs are than on the needs of others, and who wants her needs attended to above all others.

A child who is too big for his britches is a child who wants his way in everything. A child who is too big for his britches is one who ignores his parents, his teachers and whoever else is standing in his way. A child who is too big for his britches has an ego the size of Texas and has no qualms about asserting his will in all things.

In other words, a child who’s too big for his britches is one who is a big brat.

Now, if you don’t want a bratty child—and, seriously, who does?—then you’d better start sizing your children to their proper size britches. All that means is that when you see their little egos start to inflate, you gently—you don’t have to be harsh about it to get the point across—take then down a notch. This means, you teach them to put others first. This means, you make them wait their turn. This means, you show them how to treat others with respect and courtesy—and demand that same treatment from them towards you.

“You’re getting too big for your britches” is a golden oldie when it comes to parenting phrases. Dust it off and give it a good workout—even if you have to tell your kids what “britches” are.

Until next time,

Sarah

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Counteracting the Dark Side of Self-Esteem

High self-esteem has been the Holy Grail of childhood achievement for years, with many parents, educators, and child-rearing experts proclaiming its ability to heal all the ills of society. Children were heaped with lots of praise, even for mediocre or failing efforts, and all that positive reinforcement has created a generation of kids who think only of themselves. After all, everyone has told them their entire lives that they are wonderful, practically perfect people.

Even adults have jumped on the high self-esteem bandwagon, with employers doling out kudos for doing the basics on a job, and employees expecting a pat on the back for showing up every day at work. What nobody stopped to think about is how high self-esteem would impact the society as a whole.

When everybody thinks he or she is more important than anyone else—and that’s the result of being fed a steady diet of praise for anything and everything—then the culture suffers. A prime example is the way drivers treat funeral possessions these days.

The Washington Post ran a front-page article today about how motorists cut into the lines of cars with funeral placards, honk at the delay when a possession goes by, and other impatient, I’m-more-important-than-you actions. To me, this shows the low regard others have for being even slightly inconvenienced by waiting for a funeral possession to pass.

How we act when we’re inconvenienced says a lot about how we value others. Are we tapping our foot when the cashier makes a mistake checking us out? Do we roll our eyes and mutter under our breath when someone cuts us off at a light? Have we been guilty of expressing our displeasure when our late arrival to an appointment means we have to wait longer? Do we treat customer service personnel—in person, on the phone or on live chats—with respect and courtesy, no matter the interaction?

When these incidents happen in front of our kids, what does that show them? That we’re the most important people in the world, and therefore deserve special treatment from others. And if everyone believes that, lives their lives that way, we will soon have a society filled with rude, demanding and awful people.

With Christmas coming in a few short weeks, let us all make a commitment to leave behind the babble of high self-esteem, and focus instead on being the best spouse, parent, neighbor, resident and citizen we can possibly be.

Let’s show our children that serving others brings joy and happiness, not just to the person being served, but to the those doing the serving.

Let’s commit to being more concerned with humbleness and respect for others than feeling good about ourselves at all costs.

Let’s live the Golden Rule—Do unto others as you would have them do unto you—each day, and encourage our children to do the same.

Let’s all make a commitment to make this holiday season one that not all about what we will receive and what others can do for us, but about what we can give and do for others.

Let’s take the focus off of us and our wants, needs, desires, feelings, and put it on others, showering our families, friends, co-workers, teachers, neighbors and fellow Americans of all shapes, sizes and color.

Light the light of humbleness and respect for others in your own hearts, and watch as your light glows in the lives of those with which you come in contact.