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There’s something about Christmas that is almost magical.
Maybe it’s the colder weather. Maybe it’s the bright lights and cheerful
holiday music. Maybe it’s the anticipation on the faces of every child you
meet.
But sometimes we as adults are like the children in the
Polar Express book, the ones who grow up a bit and don’t hear the sleigh bells
anymore. We’ve somehow lost the Christmas magic in the hustle and bustle of the
season. We’re too stressed with our long to-do lists that we miss the
simplicity of the season.
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Image courtesy of Theeradech Sanin/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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That “amnesia” of what Christmas used to mean to us can make
us short with our kids’ natural exuberance about presents and seeing family and
Santa. We forget that memories are made not with gifts but with time spent
together as a family. We eschew quietness for busyness, leaving little time for
reflection. We let our children’s zeal for the season to irritate us rather
than give us joy.
This Christmas, I challenge you to remember how much you
enjoyed the holidays as a child. Pick a favorite memory and hold it close as
you hear your children’s squeals of excitement, see them bouncing around the
house, and generally become nearly overwrought with anticipation.
Share your own Christmas memories with your children. Let
them share theirs, even though for most of them, they don’t have very many
Christmases from which to choose. Ask them what makes Christmas special—you might
be surprised at what they say. Pick several low-key things to do with your
family in the midst of the to-ing and fro-ing that’s part of the season.
Most of all, cherish your kids’ expressions of joy. There’s
nothing quite like the look on a child’s face when he opens a hoped-for gift.
Or the surprise on a child’s face when she receives something unexpected yet
welcome. Don’t wear yourself out so much that you can’t enjoy those moments.
Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect but you can have the best Christmas ever.
Until next time,
Sarah
Q: How do we handle
grandparents and other relatives/friends who want to buy our kids things that
we’d rather our kids not have, such as electronics, which we restrict most of
the time at home. We don’t want to monitor their usage of an electronic device
we didn’t want them to have anyway. I know they are well-intentioned, but our
kids would be as happy with a gift card to the local bookstore. What are your suggestions
for how to approach this topic?
A: One Christmas when our oldest was around five or six, one
of my sisters gave her a Care Bear “exercise” doll that stood on its own and
moved up and down, saying things like, “Exercise is great!” and “Let’s get
physical,” a la Olivia Newton John’s hit song. Now, I knew by this sister’s wicked
gleam in her eye that she figured the Care Bear wouldn’t go over so well with
my husband or me. Yes, that bear was very annoying but I decided to see how it
played out with my daughter.
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Sure enough, the first forty-eight hours were pure agony
hearing that bear’s squeaky voice talk about getting physical. But a funny
thing happened once the newness of the bear’s animatronics wore off. My
daughter tried to play with it as a regular doll, but it was too stiff “at
rest,” so the bear was soon left behind, un-played with and lonely in the toy
box. A month after that, I was able to quietly remove the bear and put it in
our yard sale box. My daughter never missed it.
Sometimes, the gift that we dread our children receiving
ends up not being a big deal after all. Other times, we do have to step in to
curtail usage. You won’t know which you’ll have to do until the gift is given.
However, that doesn’t mean you don’t have a conversation
with your relatives about toys. Don’t begin it with “We don’t allow…” or end it
with “so please don’t buy them that.” Instead, talk about what your kids do
like to do. Mention how much fun they have spending time with grandparents,
aunts and uncles. When asked about gifts, you could suggest replacing another
toy with a one-on-one outing with the relative. I know my own children have
relished birthday gifts that were simply an outing with their grandmother or
aunt and uncle, such as a trip to the circus or ballet. The outing itself
doesn’t have to be spectacular—keep in mind that some of our best memories are
from the small things in life, like an ice cream cone while walking around the
neighborhood or a drive through a park to look at Christmas lights.
Also help your children develop their own wish lists that
are reasonable and practical. For example, we remind our children that nothing
on their list should cost more than $30, as that helps keep their greed in
check and is respectful of others’ finances.
And for those gifts that don’t meet parental approval? Let
them play with it, but put the same restrictions on it that you would have if
you had purchased it. Remember that the relatives are likely only thinking of
your child and are not out to undermine your parental authority. Always assume
the best intentions unless you have hard evidence otherwise—and enjoy the
blessings of having family who care enough to bestow gifts on your children.
(Don’t forget to have those children write prompt thank-you notes, too.)
December is usually not described as peaceful. Oh, we sing
about peace on earth in our carols, but for most of us, days 1 through 25 are
spent hurrying around shopping, baking, doing endless lists of things. Sure, we
might go to a fun party or special event, but we generally take little time to
slow down. To make matters even more stressful, our children stay in a perpetual
state of heightened excitement as the days of Christmas draw nearer.
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What’s a parent to do? Here are five suggestions for having
yourself a very peaceful Christmas.
1. Talk about your
Christmas expectations. With December underway, now’s the time to have a
family meeting about what’s important for everyone this season. Is it trimming
the tree together? Going to the grandparents on Christmas Eve? Have everyone
say the number-one thing they are looking forward to, then focus on those
things first. Everything else can be left behind.
2. Develop hearts of
gratitude. For all of us, Christmas can become a time of getting, and we
can let that go to our heads when we really want that special something.
Whatever your ideal gift is, we lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas
when we focus only on what we might get instead of what we have. One way to
combat the greed of the season is to designate a Thankfulness Jar. Have every
family member write down something they are thankful for at least once a week.
Then on Christmas Eve or close to that date, sit down with hot chocolate and
read the notes aloud together. This will help you get your hearts in the right
frame of mind for opening gifts and visiting with family.
3. Think outside
yourselves. Whether it’s a family member or a community need, be a blessing
to someone else. It could be a simple as shopping together for Toys for Tots,
or as elaborate as adopting a family for Christmas. Get your kids involved—as them
what they would like to do to help someone else this holiday. You’ll be
surprised by what they can come up with once you get their thoughts focused
outside of themselves.
4. Downsize the toys.
We all have too much stuff, so let’s get rid of some of it before Christmas.
With your children, go through their toys or things, mandating that they must
give away or toss a certain amount (depending on what you are starting
with). Guide them in their choices, but let them make the decisions. Having less
is always a good way to go into Christmas—and it’s easier to find places for
the new things to come.
5. Stop and smell the
pine needles. This time of year, we can become so busy that we hardly have
a moment to ourselves. Deliberately plan down time for the entire family to
spend watching a favorite holiday flick or singing carols around the fireplace.
Spend an afternoon or evening sharing favorite Christmas memories. Little things
like this can be relaxing and enjoyable for all members of your family—and help
you find a little peace amid the chaos of the season.
Do you sometimes see December 25 on the calendar and want to
run in the opposite direction? How many gingerbread men, holiday parties and
bows affixed to presents does one have to endure in a few short weeks?
Sometimes we get caught up in making sure our family’s
Christmas Is. The. Best. Ever. And in the process, we lose something of our
ourselves as we rush hither and yon in search of the perfect present, the
perfect tree, the perfect holiday party outfit and the perfect Christmas cookie.
Often, what we’re really running around for is not to please ourselves but to
meet the expectations of others, spoken or perceived.
We picture what an ideal Christmas should look like, no
matter that our family doesn’t like to sing carols, or that Junior is allergic
to pine needles. We carry that image around in our minds and measure everything
we do to ensure that it meets an impossible vision of Christmas.
What we end up being is simply exhausted, frustrated and
grumpy when we should be happy, relaxed and joyful during this season of
celebrating our families, friends and the birth of our Savior.
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Image courtesy of Grant Cochrane/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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It doesn’t have to be like that. You can jump off the
Christmas merry-go-round and have the Christmas you really want, leaving behind
those expectations that tangle us up in knots much like last year’s tree
lights. My article, “ Great (Christmas) Expectations,” on Crosswalk.com gives
some simple ways to unchain ourselves from the expectations of others and to
truly love this season of joy.
Remember that you and your family should be the only ones to
decide what Christmas will look like—it doesn’t have to be postcard perfect, it
doesn’t have to have what’s always been done if no one enjoys that, and it
doesn’t have to be what you think is required. It just has to be what fits your
family and your schedule.
Until next time,
Sarah
Early in 2014, Sarah
and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership
in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more
information.
This time of year, it’s difficult for kids to fight the envy
and jealousy that can overcome them like the waves on the sand. With
advertisements bombarding us from all angles telling us how much happier we’d
be if we only had X, it’s no wonder children have trouble with giving and not
getting during the month of December.
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Image courtesy of Grant Cochrane/FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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But don’t despair! There are some things parents can do to
help kids keep that green-eyed monster caged.
- Focus on the season, not the gifts.
Yes, it’s hard to not think about what you want for Christmas! However, if
we as parents only talk about the buying, wrapping and distributing of
gifts, we’re showing our kids that the most important thing about this
time of year is the presents. Make sure the intangibles, such as visits
with far-flung relatives, decorating the tree as a family, and giving to
someone else in need, are front and center with the gifts taking second
place.
- Stack your time with family-oriented,
free events. Devise a game to see who can come up with the best free,
holiday-themed outing for the entire family. Things like driving around
the neighborhood to look at the lights or visiting the mall only to see
the displays can be fun things that don’t cost anything.
- Have a “I’m thankful for…” jar. Decorate
a container with an open lid and put it on the kitchen counter labeled
“What I’m thankful for....” Provide a pen and slips of paper for family
members to jot down their thoughts in words or pictures. Then pick a night
in December to sit around the tree and read the notes.
- Make thank you notes a part of the
season. We have a motto about thank you notes: If you can’t write the
note, you don’t keep the gift. That has kept complaining pretty much
nonexistence and it has helped them to remember that someone took the time
to buy that present especially for them.
The main thing is to think back to your own childhood
Christmases. What brings a smile to your face today? Was mostly specific
presents? Or was it the memories of making gingerbread with your grandmother,
the crisp winter air that tingled your nose as you went caroling with your
siblings, or the laughter as you played a family game? Remembering that those
are the kind memories your children will cherish can help you not get carried
away by the material aspects—nice as they are—of this season.
How do you help your children not be consumed by the
green-eyed monster?
Until next time,
Sarah
Early in 2014, Sarah
and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership
in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more
information.
As a child, Christmas meant the smell of a fresh pine tree,
glittering with lights and ornaments. There was the thrill of anticipation when
awakening Christmas morning and heading downstairs to see the pile of presents
nestled underneath the tree. Then reality crashed down the day after when my
mother handed me a stack of notepaper and envelopes, and sent me to my room to
write thank you letters.
She didn’t send me in ill-prepared, as from an early age—as
soon as I could write—she taught me what to say in the notes. The basic
components haven’t changed, and I’ve been teaching my children how to properly
write thank you notes.
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Start out with a greeting (Dear Aunt Jan)
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Open with general thanks for the gift (Thank you
for the book on knitting)
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Say a little something about the gift or how
you’ll use it (I can’t wait to start knitting a scarf for my doll)
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Close with gratitude for the present (I
appreciate your taking the time to send me such a lovely gift or Thanks again
for the knitting book).
For monetary gifts, the only thing that changes is
mentioning how you’ll use the funds (and you don’t mention the specific
amount).
In our household, I make sure the gifts are thanked with a
handwritten note from the older children and a drawing with signature from the
younger ones. Thank yous must be written within days of opening the gifts.
And how do I handle the inevitable complaints? With raised
eyebrows and saying, “If you can’t write the note, you don’t get the gift.” The
kids know I say what I mean and mean what I say, so that’s usually the last
peep on the subject.
It might seem old-fashioned in today’s increasingly
electronic world to push children to hand-write thank yous, but consider what
they learn while doing so:
- Appreciation
for the gift and giver
- Legible
penmanship
- Letter
composition.
- Common
courtesy.
I encourage you this holiday season to start a new tradition
of writing thank-you notes—and it wouldn’t hurt for Mom and Dad to set the
example by writing notes yourself.
Do you make your children write thank you notes after
tearing open their holiday gifts?
High self-esteem has been the Holy Grail of childhood
achievement for years, with many parents, educators, and child-rearing experts
proclaiming its ability to heal all the ills of society. Children were heaped
with lots of praise, even for mediocre or failing efforts, and all that
positive reinforcement has created a generation of kids who think only of
themselves. After all, everyone has told them their entire lives that they are
wonderful, practically perfect people.
Even adults have jumped on the high self-esteem bandwagon,
with employers doling out kudos for doing the basics on a job, and employees
expecting a pat on the back for showing up every day at work. What nobody
stopped to think about is how high self-esteem would impact the society as a
whole.
When everybody thinks he or she is more important than
anyone else—and that’s the result of being fed a steady diet of praise for
anything and everything—then the culture suffers. A prime example is the way
drivers treat funeral possessions these days.
The Washington Post ran a front-page article today about how
motorists cut into the lines of cars with funeral placards, honk at the delay
when a possession goes by, and other impatient, I’m-more-important-than-you
actions. To me, this shows the low regard others have for being even slightly inconvenienced
by waiting for a funeral possession to pass.
How we act when we’re inconvenienced says a lot about how we
value others. Are we tapping our foot when the cashier makes a mistake checking
us out? Do we roll our eyes and mutter under our breath when someone cuts us
off at a light? Have we been guilty of expressing our displeasure when our late
arrival to an appointment means we have to wait longer? Do we treat customer service
personnel—in person, on the phone or on live chats—with respect and courtesy,
no matter the interaction?
When these incidents happen in front of our kids, what does
that show them? That we’re the most important people in the world, and
therefore deserve special treatment from others. And if everyone believes that,
lives their lives that way, we will soon have a society filled with rude,
demanding and awful people.
With Christmas coming in a few short weeks, let us all make
a commitment to leave behind the babble of high self-esteem, and focus instead
on being the best spouse, parent, neighbor, resident and citizen we can
possibly be.
Let’s show our children that serving others brings joy and
happiness, not just to the person being served, but to the those doing the
serving.
Let’s commit to being more concerned with humbleness and
respect for others than feeling good about ourselves at all costs.
Let’s live the Golden Rule—Do unto others as you would have
them do unto you—each day, and encourage our children to do the same.
Let’s all make a commitment to make this holiday season one
that not all about what we will receive and what others can do for us, but
about what we can give and do for others.
Let’s take the focus off of us and our wants, needs,
desires, feelings, and put it on others, showering our families, friends,
co-workers, teachers, neighbors and fellow Americans of all shapes, sizes and
color.
Light the light of humbleness and respect for others in your
own hearts, and watch as your light glows in the lives of those with which you
come in contact.
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