Good Parent, Good Kid?

Can you handle the truth about parenting?

Most parents want to believe that if they do everything right—are the world’s best parent—then their kids will be perfect. We want to know that what we do, or what we don’t do, is of utmost importance in forming our children into responsible, respectful and resourceful human beings.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

The truth is that no matter how good a parent you are, your child is still capable, on any given day, of doing something despicable, disgusting and depraved.

That’s the cold, hard truth that we don’t want to face. That’s the reason why good kids can come from truly horrible homes. That’s the reason why kids from good homes sometimes go off the rails and do terrible, bad things.

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So what’s a parent to do when faced with the cold, hard truth? The right thing, of course.

The right thing is not enrichment classes, team sports, individual sports, after school activities, good grades, etc., etc., and so forth. Those simply teach a child skills. The right thing is much harder than the helping a child excel at something.

The right thing is teaching our children the value of human life, the value of responsibility, the value of respectfulness, the value of being thoughtful, kind, considerate, compassionate, and reverent.

The right thing is making our children feel bad when they misbehave, so that they will choose a better path. The right thing is to make our children responsible for their actions by levying appropriate punishments for misdeeds.

The right thing is realizing that, while we should do our very best to raise our children to be upstanding citizens, our kids have the final say in how they turn out. In other words, as parents, we don’t raise our child. The child raises the child. We simply provide the framework for him to do so.

Parents should do the right thing not for the immediate rewards, but for the intangible future. What will you do?

Until next time,

Sarah

Parental Resolution #4: I will stop playing Parent Detective.

It’s apparent you’re a Parent Detective if you…

• React to anything out of the ordinary in relation to your children with thoughts of “Why is she doing that?” and “I need to find the reason behind his behavior.”

• Spend more time trying to uncover the whys of your children’s wrong behavior than dealing with the misbehavior itself.

• Frequently give your kids a “pass” because of “extenuating circumstances,” because they must be tired, worn out, upset, etc.

If you find yourself doing any of the above on a regular basis, you’ve been playing Parent Detective. A Parent Detective is one how searches for answers instead of solving problems. She’s more concerned with what goes on behind-the-scenes than with the “crime” in front of her. This means she also tends to ignore or not seriously address any misdemeanors, which turns what started out as petty misbehaviors into major problems.

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The main problem with this type of parenting is that you spend way too much effort worrying about things that aren’t worth the time. It doesn’t make you a better parent if you understand everything about your child—it makes you an ineffective parent because you’re constantly assessing the why and forgetting about the what.

The what is what’s most important. We should be more concerned with the what of our children’s behavior than the why. Sure, we need to point out the heart issues, but that doesn’t mean we give them a pass on the misbehaviors because we know the reasons. So many times, parents simply focus on finding out the why that they forget to address the what. 

Here’s an example of a Parent Detective in action. Your preteen daughter starts “forgetting” do her daily chore of giving the cat fresh water. A Parent Detective would start worrying what happened to make her forget. Is it hormones? Is it too much schoolwork and not enough fresh air? Maybe her diet needs adjusting….

As the questions pile up, what do you think happens to the missed chore? Nothing. The daughter continues to forget, the mother continues to remind her, and nothing changes.

Now the parent who’s not playing detective would simply address the problem: the constantly missed chore—by giving the girl an offer she couldn’t refuse, namely a consequence so big she wouldn’t dare not do the chore. And suddenly, the daughter who had acted so surprised every time the mother said she hadn’t refilled the cat’s water has no trouble at all doing that simple job each morning.

So make it a resolution for 2014 to stop playing Parent Detective. You’ll be much less stressed about parenting, that’s for sure!

Until next time,

Sarah

Parental Resolution #3: I Will Disconnect to Reconnect

Each time the calendar turns over into a new year, we often celebrate by coming up with resolutions. On our lists might be health-related goals, job performance, personal improvement, etc.

This month, I want to challenge you to put four Parental Resolutions on your list. Each week in January, I’ll talk about one of the four major goals that should be on every parent’s list. For help in achieving these goals, I have two upcoming seminars: one in-person option if you’re in Northern Virginia and webinars for those farther away. Plus, you can now connect with me via video on Popexpert.com. Click on the Classes/Speaking tab on my website for details.

Parental Resolution #3: I will disconnect to reconnect.

Technology has transformed the way we communicate. Email, texting and social media sites have taken the place of phone calls, handwritten letters and in-person conversations. The ability to be “in touch” with others 24/7 has created an environment totally different from that of a mere 20 years ago.

An unintentional side effect of being so connected is that parents—and children—have become worn out. 

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“Children and parents are showing signs of relational fatigue—tech burnout—from the pressure of constant communication, the endless competition with screens for each other’s attention, or trying to ‘be there’ for all people all the time,” writes Catherine Steiner-Adair in her new book, The Big Disconnect.

We’re warned about what we—and our children—are looking at on our screens, but rarely are we cautioned about what the mere fact that we’re so linked is doing to our relationships. Here are a few reasons to disconnect so that you can reconnect with your family.

• We’re sending our kids the wrong message. What do your kids think when you spend more time clicking keys than talking to them with our full attention? Steiner-Adair summed it up: “The message we communicate with our preoccupation and responsiveness to calls and email is: Everybody else matters more than you.”
• We’re bending the rules. When you text while driving or interrupt a face-to-face conversation with your child to check your cell phone, you are essentially saying, “Do as I say, not as I do.” Which we all know doesn’t work because actions do speak louder than words. If we want our children to obey don’t-text-and-drive laws and if we want our children to pay attention more to the one they are with than the person on the phone, then we need to start living our lives like we believe those are good ideas.
• We’re showing signs of addiction ourselves. If we can’t bear to put down our own devices for the space of a dinner or five-minute conversation, we shouldn’t be surprised that it is hard for our children to do the same. Technology is addictive, which means it’s a very good idea to have technology-free time zones in your home. For example, everyone turns off their phones for an hour in and around dinner. Everyone puts their phones out of reach overnight. Maybe go technology-free for an entire day on Sundays. Having regularly scheduled breaks will help you and your children not become slaves to technology.

These are just a few of the many ways technology can overtake our lives and make us disengage from our families. Make it your resolution to take a hard look at how you and your family use technology—and whether you need to disconnect in order to reconnect.

Until next time,

Sarah

Parental Resolution #2: I will think about tomorrow.

Each time the calendar turns over into a new year, we often celebrate by coming up with resolutions. On our lists might be health-related goals, job performance, personal improvement, etc.

This month, I want to challenge you to put four Parental Resolutions on your list. Each week in January, I’ll talk about one of the four major goals that should be on every parent’s list. For help in achieving these goals, I have two upcoming seminars: one in-person option if you’re in Northern Virginia and webinars for those farther away. Plus, you can now connect with me via video on Popexpert.com. Click on the Classes/Speaking tab on my website for details.

Parental Resolution #2: I will think about tomorrow.

When you have children, especially young ones, it’s hard to think five seconds into the future much less five years or longer. But we should be rearing our children with the future in mind.

What does this mean? It means that we

• Don’t take shortcuts when it comes to discipline. Some experts say that parents shouldn’t sweat the small stuff, that it’s not important to correct the first misbehavior. If you ignore the minor infractions, you’ll soon have a raging wildfire on your hands. Don’t let small things mushroom into a much bigger problem. Nip those misbehaviors in the bud when they first rear their ugly heads.
• Don’t focus on the temporary. If we have our eyes fixed on the future for our children, we will be less likely to worry overmuch about their soccer game or their test in school. Those are temporary things, and yes, our children should work to be the best they are capable of, but give kids the freedom to fail without overreacting to the mistake. The things that matter are learning from those mistakes, overcoming obstacles, becoming a good citizen, and caring about others. Keep your eyes on those instead of on the temporary things of today.
• Don’t forget to enjoy your kids. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the busyness of today that we don’t take time to stop and have fun with our kids. They will only be this age for such a short time, we really shouldn’t miss it by over-scheduling, over-committing, and overdoing it each day. Make sure you have plenty of downtime so that you can simply enjoy being around your offspring.

By taking the long view, the one that says “I will parent today with tomorrow in mind,” we can avoid some of the pitfalls of parenting only for the now. Remember, the future will be here before you know it, so keep your focus on the horizon.

Until next time,

Sarah

Parental Resolution #1: I Will Parent With Open Hands

Each time the calendar turns over into a new year, we often celebrate by coming up with resolutions. On our lists might be health-related goals, job performance, personal improvement, etc.

This month, I want to challenge you to put four Parental Resolutions on your list. Each week in January, I’ll talk about one of the four major goals that should be on every parent’s list. For help in achieving these goals, I have two upcoming seminars: one in-person option if you’re in Northern Virginia and webinars for those farther away. Plus, you can now connect with me via video on Popexpert.com. Visit www.parentcoachnova.com and click on the Classes/Speaking tab for details.

Parental Resolution #1: I will parent with open hands.

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Do you grab hold of your children or have a loose grip? I thought about this while watching an as-yet-unreleased Old Spice commercial that has gone viral. On the surface, the ad shows teenage sons spraying on Old Spice and leaving the house to meet up with girls. But then the Moms start singing about how the cologne has made their sons grow up too fast.

The creepy part is that these mothers stalk their sons at the beach, in the school cafeteria, in the car, and while watching TV, all the while singing their sorrow. Sure, “Mom Song” is a commercial—I get that—but the fact is many moms (and sons) are likely to identify with this sentiment, that the growing up of our children is not something to be celebrated but to be mourned. Instead of rejoicing that their little boys are branching out on their own, the commercial’s moms are bemoaning that fact. They want very desperately for their boys to once again be only dependent on them. It’s frankly a little creepy to see to what lengths these moms go to not let go.

Which is why Parental Resolution #1: I will parent with open hands should be on your New Year’s Resolution list. How can you accomplish this?  

• You become willing to let a child do what needs to be done to grow up—by himself.
• You practice stepping back, small steps in the beginning, but larger steps as the child ages.
• You sometimes push him to do things he’s capable of doing—even if he thinks he can’t—but you don’t do those things for him.
• You don’t jump in to solve every problem, but you let your child struggle with frustrations.
• You stop thinking more of your kid than you do of your spouse (or of yourself, if you’re a single parent).
• You encourage independence in all things—schoolwork (letting the child take ownership of his own homework without parental assistance), social life (letting the child make plans with friends without parental assistance), problem-solving (letting the child come up with solutions, no matter how long it takes, without parental assistance), etc.
• You refrain from smoothing the child’s path in life, allowing him to fail when he needs to fail in order for him to learn how to overcome and preserve on his own.
• You take a permanent break from being your child’s social director, allowing the child to entertain himself—or be bored by himself.
• You develop more interests (hobbies, volunteering, a new job, etc.) apart from your children, making your life seem interesting and exciting to them.
• You show more joy than sorrow when your child reaches a milestone, like his first lost tooth, making his own breakfast, washing his own clothes, getting his first job, etc.

Yes, these can be bittersweet moments as you reflect back on how much he’s grown, but rest assured that by parenting with open hands, by letting the child succeed and fail on his own, you will raise a much more well adjusted young man or young woman, one that you will be proud to call your son or daughter. And you won’t be singing songs of lament as they achieve another milestone in life—you will be behind them, giving them a gentle push out the door and into their life.

Until next time,

Sarah