Breaking a Habit

Q: My six-year-old daughter won’t stop licking her arm. She has done this since she was little! I have told her to stop and asked why she licks her arm. I have tried taking away her favorite stuffed animal and blankie but it still continues. She now has a sore on her arm from the licking. Is this normal and what can we do to make her stop?

A: You can’t make her stop, but you can help her not do it as much. Kids are weird, and often do strange things, like pull their hair out, lick their arms, and rub themselves in places we'd rather them not even know about at her age. Most of the time, ignoring the habit will let it run its course and the child stops on her own.

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However, you’ve bought into the modern notion that if a child does something strange, there must be a reason—thus the questions and conversations about licking, the attempts on your part to “make” her stop, and the worry and fretting you’ve done on your own because of her bad habit. I’m sorry to say that you’re part of the problem, and you’ve contributed the lion’s share of making a mountain out of a mole hill. After all this, you've learned that you cannot get your daughter to stop, right? She’s kept on and probably longer than she would have if you had simply not gotten involved.

But you can provide guidance to help her stop. First, perhaps right before bed or first thing in the morning, tell her that you’ve noticed she’s been licking her arm a lot, and that you’ve decided she can lick her arm to her heart’s content in her very own licking room (a powder room or some equally boring place away from everyone in the house). Whenever she wants to lick her arm, she’s to go to that special room. If she forgets, you’ll remind her by saying, “Remember your special licking room!”

Second, make that the last conversation about her licking or not licking. From now on, you’ve got nothing to say about her licking or questions to ask her about her licking. If she says her arm is sore, simply shrug and say, “I’m sorry to hear that” and walk away. This is not engaging her in conversation about licking is key—you have to starve the licking monster before it will fade away on its own.

If you stick to the plan, she should have her licking under control within a few weeks. She might not completely give up her habit, as you can’t make someone else stop something. At the very least, you won’t have to see her licking and your reaction won’t fuel the licking fire.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

Embarrassment Fuels Defiance

Q: When my kindergartner become embarrassed, she digs in her heels and becomes ridiculously obstinate and defiant. It doesn’t matter if the embarrassment is due to a reprimand or mistake. Pouting, stomping, crying, covering of ears, etc., ensues. We’ve tried explaining that everyone makes mistakes but that hasn’t helped. I don’t want this to become an issue in the classroom. What can we do?

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A: Ah, the old “why” instead of a action. Because you think her reaction is because she’s embarrassed, you’ve given her a pass on how she acts. The truth of the matter is she is throwing a temper tantrum whenever something happens she didn’t want to occur—either her own fault or not. You’ve allowed her to continue with this stomping, pouting, wailing and gnashing of teeth and now it’s time to put an end to it.

Stop trying to reason with your child. She’s not going to listen or understand, so save your breath and use it to address the real problem: her temper tantrums. At this age, solving it should be fairly easy if you’re consistent. Designate a rarely used room in the house as the tantrum (a powder room or guest room works well). Tell her that she needs to go to that room whenever she’s embarrassed and feels like crying, stomping, covering her ears, etc. Then you remind her, leading her by the hand, to the room, where she stays by herself until she stops having the tantrum.

Your job is to help her remember to go to the room whenever she has a tantrum. A temper tantrum without an audience is like a fire without oxygen: both burn out rather quickly in its absence.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Keeping Summer All Year Round

How did you spend your summer as a child? Did you spend lots of time indoors staring at a flickering screen? Did you enjoy the pool, backyard, front sidewalk and other outside activities? Did you find joy in a butterfly or chasing fireflies as dusk fell? Did you build forts out of old blankets when the rain drove you inside?

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Are your favorite memories the ones involving grown-ups supervising play or sports? Or were they the times you were free from adult supervision (at least you felt like you were) and you played Ghosts in the Graveyard until dark with the neighborhood kids? Or you followed a little stream in the ditch down the street to a land of enchantment you and your best friend created in your imaginations?

Kids need plenty of fresh air, sunshine and freedom to structure their own games and play fueled by imagination. I hope that your children enjoyed as free a summer as mine did—those are the memories that they will hug close as the years go by.

As the summer winds down, don’t forget that children will still need the freedom of unstructured playtime when school starts. A kid is sitting outside staring off into space is actually experiencing important brain growth. By providing opportunities for doing nothing, you are giving your kids the best gift of all—the ability to keep summer (and all it represents) around throughout the year.

Until next time,

Sarah