Embarrassment Fuels Defiance

Q: When my kindergartner become embarrassed, she digs in her heels and becomes ridiculously obstinate and defiant. It doesn’t matter if the embarrassment is due to a reprimand or mistake. Pouting, stomping, crying, covering of ears, etc., ensues. We’ve tried explaining that everyone makes mistakes but that hasn’t helped. I don’t want this to become an issue in the classroom. What can we do?

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A: Ah, the old “why” instead of a action. Because you think her reaction is because she’s embarrassed, you’ve given her a pass on how she acts. The truth of the matter is she is throwing a temper tantrum whenever something happens she didn’t want to occur—either her own fault or not. You’ve allowed her to continue with this stomping, pouting, wailing and gnashing of teeth and now it’s time to put an end to it.

Stop trying to reason with your child. She’s not going to listen or understand, so save your breath and use it to address the real problem: her temper tantrums. At this age, solving it should be fairly easy if you’re consistent. Designate a rarely used room in the house as the tantrum (a powder room or guest room works well). Tell her that she needs to go to that room whenever she’s embarrassed and feels like crying, stomping, covering her ears, etc. Then you remind her, leading her by the hand, to the room, where she stays by herself until she stops having the tantrum.

Your job is to help her remember to go to the room whenever she has a tantrum. A temper tantrum without an audience is like a fire without oxygen: both burn out rather quickly in its absence.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Meltdowns! (And We’re Not Talking About Ice Cream)

Q: My four-year-old son keeps throwing temper tantrums in stores. It usually starts when I deny him something he wants (cereal, candy, a coloring book, etc.). As soon as I say “no,” down on the floor he goes, kicking and screaming. I confess that I’ve given in because I’m so embarrassed, but I know that’s not going to stop the tantrums. What can I do?

A: First of all, let me assure you that we’ve all had kids meltdown in public, whether it’s in a store or a restaurant or at the park. Please don’t think the majority of people are judging you because your child has become a squirming mass of temper.

Second, you can cure your son of his public—and private—outbursts with a little planning and thick skin. The planning will help you not be caught off guard when the tantrum ensures, the thick skin will help you follow through on those plans.

Here’s what you do. Each day, visit a store for no other reason than to train your child on how to behave. Have a few things you can buy on a list but don’t expect to do any major shopping. This is purely for his benefit.

Then give him explicit instructions, but only three or four at the most. Those might include

1. Hold my hand inside the store.
2. Don’t touch unless you ask permission.
3. We’re only going to get what’s on my list.

Finally, off to the store. Plan on staying about half an hour, browsing around to give him a chance to throw a temper tantrum (yes, you read right—you are hoping he will have a meltdown so you can put phase two into action). When he asks for something not on the list—and his previous behavior has indicated he will—simply say it’s not on the list and continue your shopping. When he starts to throw himself on the ground and cry, calmly leave your cart or basket, pick him up and leave the store.

Remember, you’re expecting this and already know what you’re going to do. Don’t comment on his behavior, simply buckle him in his car seat and return home. Then your son gets to spend the rest of the day in his room—stripped of play value—and to bed directly after an early dinner (5 p.m. is ideal, so he’s in bed by 5:30 p.m., lights out). One or two such trips with the same end result and he’ll straighten up—and you’ll be able to take him shopping without meltdowns.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Testing Limits

Q: Our four-year-old son is pushing the envelope all the time. For example, when told repeatedly to stop hitting his sister’s chair, he will laugh at us while still slapping the chair. We immediately put him in his room, but when he’s faced with the consequences of his misbehavior, he will throw a tantrum. While I realize his behavior common, I need some tips on how to manage it appropriate and effectively.

A. One of my children tested the limits a lot as a four-year-old, so I get your frustration. I think the Doctor needs to make a house call. In the morning before he’s had a tantrum, tell her that you spoke to the Doctor and he said four-year-olds who throw tantrums aren’t getting enough sleep. Therefore, whenever he has a tantrum, move up dinner to 5 p.m. that evening and put him to bed, lights out, directly after supper. If the tantrum happens after dinner, the child goes immediately to bed.

Also stop telling him more than once to stop doing something. If he isn’t obedient, then to his room he goes, which you have stripped of “play value.” As long as he’s in his room, don’t be concerned if he throws a tantrum.

I’ll close with one final thought: You can do the right thing and the child can still do the wrong thing. Unfortunately, some kids take longer than others to “straighten up and fly right,” so keep on doing what you’re doing.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Moving Anxiety

Q: We sold our house a few weeks ago, and since then, our three-year-old has been crying a lot at preschool, which she attends three days a week. This is a change from the first of the year, when she shed a few tears at drop off. Now she cries as soon as we leave the house and doesn’t stop. She’s been telling the teacher that she has to throw up or needs to go potty, and ends up spending a significant amount of time in the restroom. Her behavior is disrupting the class.

We’ve tried to be supportive of her during this time. Our doctor said she was experiencing anxiety from having to move. How should we handle this?

A: It sounds like you’ve been a bit too supportive. When your daughter is calm, tell her that you will be taking a new approach to her crying over the house being sold. Say she has 10 minutes in which to express her feelings on the matter. Set a kitchen timer for 10 minutes and let her cry, fuss or whatever for that time period. Then tell her that the matter is closed. When she cries excessively (anything over a couple of minutes) at preschool, ask the teachers to call you and you’ll come get her. Once back home, she goes to her room (striped of play value) for the rest of the day. If she cries at home, send her to her room or a special “crying place,” such as the powder room.

Your daughter has figured out, inadvertently, that her crying gets her lots of attention. The more she cries, the more upset and anxious and solicitous the adults around her get. In other words, she’s become addicted to the attention and so she cries for long periods of time to get the attention she’s craving.

As with all temper tantrums, she’s the only one who can end the cycle. But she needs help to do so. Start by treating any tears from her without emotion to avoid validating her tears. Simply point her to her crying place for her to go to get control of herself. When she’s stopped crying, she can come out. Above all, don’t ask her why she’s crying—at this point, she very likely can’t remember or doesn’t know. It’s become a habit and like with all habits, it can be broken with consistent, unemotional support from you. This will likely take a few days or a week, but by treating her tears as something she can control, you will help her get over this hump.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Melting Away Meltdowns

Sometimes, you read an advice column that makes you wonder if they really mean what they said. That happened to me last week when I read a parenting advice column in my local newspaper. The reader question involved the behavior of four-year-old twin girls. One girl is sweet and good-natured, while the other one has daily meltdowns. The reader wanted to know the best way to handle the temper tantrums when the one child didn’t get her way.

The answer, from a parenting expert who has been dishing out advice for years now, started out on the right foot, with recommending that the mother stop whacking the child with a belt to the legs whenever the child had a meltdown. But then the expert veered off into psychobabble territory by telling the mother that the child probably has “one of those hard-to-spot physical problems that make children’s behavior go haywire.”

The expert went on to send the mother on a wild goose chase to see what component of the child’s diet might be triggering these meltdowns. Is she hypoglycemic? Lactose intolerant? Allergic to foods with salicylates? While the mother rushes around trying to figure out what foods could be causing her child’s outbursts, the child morphs into a victim of her diet and her tantrums continue unabated.

What the expert doesn’t seem to grasp is that nothing causes children to misbehave—they are wired that way from birth, like all of us. Part of our jobs as parents is to force the child to see the errors of his ways and reform the little criminals into responsible citizens of the family and community.

By repurposing this child’s behavior into something she is not responsible for--if it’s caused by what she eats, then changing her diet should fix her tantrums. Unfortunately, the mother will find that even if she tries all these different diets, her daughter’s outbursts will continue and probably get worse.

I would have advised the mother to designate a special tantrum place in the house, such as an unused room (like a guest bedroom) or downstairs powder room. When the girl started to have a meltdown, simply direct her (with a helping hand, if needed) to the tantrum room and tell her to have her tantrum there. When she’s finished, she can come out. It will probably get worse before it gets better, but consistent and unemotional application of removing the child from the center of attention to a place where nobody’s watching her tantrum will cure her of her meltdowns. While she will still have them occasionally—because some children seem more prone to those than others—she will gain mastery of herself and the mother will have a more peaceful house.