The Bluebird of Happiness

“If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands.” Most parents have probably heard their child sing that song, along with the accompanying hand motions. It’s a hard song to sing or listen to without smiling, given its up tempo beat and usually enthusiastic rendering by a child. When hearing that song, I’ll bet some of us wish happiness was as easily gained by silly lyrics and an infectious tune.

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But it’s not, is it? Happiness can sometimes be as elusive as that fabled bluebird that brings joy to its hearers. When I read about how parenting doesn’t make us happy, I wonder if we’re asking the right question. Since when does anything make us happy? Can our spouses make us happy? Can our children make us happy? Can the perfect job make us happy? Can the right haircut make us happy?

The Declaration of Independence wisely doesn’t promise us happiness, but rather strove to provide a nation in which the pursuit of happiness wouldn’t be restricted by onerous laws and curtailment of freedom. This idea that we have to be happy all the time—and if we’re not, then we need to change what we’re doing or who we’re with—is a modern invention. If you asked people a half century ago about their personal happiness, most would have scoffed at such an idea. That’s not to say people weren’t happy; they just weren’t as obsessed with whether or not they were happy as we are today.

How does that translate into parenthood? Quite simply, if we focus too much attention on being happy, we will teach our children that feeling happy is more important than being cheerful when doing our chores. We will show by our actions that personal happiness is more important than the happiness of our family as a whole. In short, we will raise kids who place more value on a transient feeling rather than a intrinsic character trait.

Talking about, worrying about, trying to grab our own happiness rather than finding contentment in whatever the situation will likely make us more unhappy than joyful. The constant stress on happiness will erode any sense of joy in the little things of life, any peace in our circumstances and any chance of obtaining long-term enjoyment of our families.

We need to teach our children that true peace and joy comes not from a feeling of happiness but from a contentment with life. That doesn’t mean we eschew finding solutions to problems or ignore obvious troubles that we should address. It does mean that we work on helping our kids see that happiness is more than clapping our hands along to a catchy tune—it’s as varied as the colors of the rainbow. True happiness comes from true satisfaction with who we are deep down inside. That’s something that’s worth pursuing.

Until next time,

Sarah

If you want to read more about happiness and parenting, check out my article on Crosswalk.com, “Should Happiness Matter to Parents?”

Obedience Equals Happiness

It’s a strange to think that obedience can bring about happiness, but for children, that’s the case. The most obedient children are also, not coincidentally, the happiest children, the more content children, the more relaxed children. That’s not to say that said children are obedient all of the time—that would be unrealistic. But it does mean that most of the time, these children are obeying their parents.

Disobedient children are, in a word, brats. Spoiled, unhappy, demanding and insolent brats. They do what they want, when they want it—and still, they are not happy. They are rudderless upon the sea of discontentment. They are the victims of their own whims. They are miserable and go through life making everyone around them just as wretched as they are.

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Why are obedient children happier than their non-obedient peers? For the simple reason that they know what to expect and don’t have to spend untold time and energy ferreting out the boundaries of their world. Their parents say what they mean and mean what they say, which takes a lot of the guesswork out of right and wrong for their kids.

Obedient children also know they are loved, that their parents care enough to correct wayward behavior (although the kids wouldn’t express it quite like that). Obedient children rest easier, knowing that they are not in charge of the family—that their parents are doing the heavy lifting and making the tough decisions. Obedient children are serving their Heavenly Father in a way that is pleasing to Him.

By teaching our children obedience, we are giving them a valuable gift, one that God requires of us as parents to bestow upon our offspring. If children are commanded to obey their parents in the Lord, then the flip side is applicable—that we as parents are to expect such obedience from our children and to train them to respect and obey us, and ultimately, God.

Yes, teaching and expecting obedience takes effort. It takes energy and vigilance and discipline and, at times, tough love. It takes patience and prayer and perseverance and grace and mercy. By making obedience part of our goal as parents—not the end goal in and of itself, but as part of our overall parenting philosophy—we are doing our children a great service and leading them closer to the kingdom of God.

Until next time,

Sarah

The Happiness Factor

How happy are you as a parent? That’s a question that has been bouncing around social media and the Internet lately, especially since new research from sociologist Jennifer Glass indicated that being an American parent doesn’t mean you’re happy.

Her research seems to contradict the widespread belief that being a parent makes you happier and wealthier. “If you go ask parents, they’ll tell you, ‘Being a parent is great. I love my kids. It’s best thing I’ve ever done,’” said Glass. “Then you go to the empirical data, and find that all types of parenthood have negative effects on happiness and mental health.”

Glass posits that parenting produces fewer emotional benefits than other adult social roles. “Employment and marriage provide you with money and social status,” she said. “Parenthood doesn’t provide you with either of those and exposes you to more stress, which either cancels out or exceeds the emotional rewards of having children.”

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What Glass’s research says to me is that we’ve turned child rearing into something difficult, hard, and downright burdensome to mothers in particular. We’ve become parents who are so concerned about everything we do as we rear our children that we’ve forgotten to enjoy them, to relax, to not sweat the mistakes (theirs or ours).

In short, we’ve made parenting all about what we do as opposed to who we are. What we do has less impact than who we are. Parents who accept the fact that children will misbehave sometimes, that they will choose to do the wrong thing despite our best efforts to steer them to the right thing, will be happier in the long run. Why? Because we know that it’s not entirely up to us how our kids turn out—our children have a very real part in that.

Mothers and fathers can have a more relaxed, happy and playful parenthood when they stop living like every decision they make will make or break their child’s future. Yes, we still need to have a care in how we raise our children, but we can also relax and stress about the mistakes we make along the way. We can have fun with our children and not stress about the misbehavior (although we do need to discipline them for those wrongdoings).

Live your life as a parent by realizing it’s not all up to you how your child turns out and you will have a happier parenthood, one that is filled with joy, fun, wonder, and above all, love.

Until next time,

Sarah