How to Handle a Relocation

Q: Our family has lived in our current city for eight years, so this is the only home our three children (upper elementary school age) have known. However, we will soon be moving to another state for my husband’s job, and we’re not sure how to help the kids with this difficult transition. We’ll be much closer to grandparents, but I know the kids will miss their school and friends very much. How should we talk about the move with our kids?

A: As soon as you have firm dates, you and your husband should tell the children together. Provide details—when you’ll sell your house, how you’ll find a new place, etc.—but don’t overwhelm with them with the nitty gritty. Be sure to tell them you know this is hard news but that you’ll all work together to make it not too difficult. Sometimes just acknowledging the hurt they’ll feel can help immensely.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.com

Now for some practical suggestions to smooth the transition.

1. Have the kids capture memories of your current home by giving them a camera and notebook to record their favorite nooks and crannies in the house, neighborhood and yard. Go on a “tour” of your town as a family and snap pictures of everyone’s favorite restaurant, park or place to visit.
2. Make a list of especially close friends and plan as many one-on-one time to say goodbye or throw a “we’re moving” party and invite friends to send and/or record goodbyes in a memory book, video camera, etc. Have an address book for names and mailing/email addresses to keep in touch.
3. Get a guide book or tourism info for your new city for the kids to peruse at their leisure. Take photos of your new home and their rooms, if they can’t visit the house before the move.
4. Build in time for tears. I know moving means you have a ton of things to do on a checklist a mile long, but make time to hold your children when they’re feeling sad about the move. Doesn’t have to be long, but a few minutes sitting on the front porch swing in the gloom of the evening while they struggle with how to say goodbye can be worth more than having one more thing done.
5. Finally, give them time to adjust. They say it takes a good six months or more to really settle into a new home (job, school, etc.), so some of your children might seem fine and then fall apart three months after the move. Give them time to adjust both to leaving and to the new place. When you arrive at the new place, make sure the kids know where things are, like the library, the school they'll be attending, etc. Spend time exploring your new city, perhaps by picking a day each week to visit someplace new.

Make time as a family to talk about what you’ll miss and what you’ll not miss. Help your children write letters or emails to friends by making sure they have envelopes and stamps or the computer set up. Let them see you miss your old home, too. Nothing binds a family together like shared sorrow, but make sure you don’t wallow in the grief by remembering the happy times, too, and the positives about your new home.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog. 

Should You Force Sports?

Q: My 8-year-old son played t-ball for three years before we switched him to coach-pitch baseball. He loved t-ball, but repeatedly asked us not to make him play coach-pitch baseball. We signed him up because we thought he might like it and that he needed the exercise, as he tends to be a homebody. He’s miserable, but the season’s not even halfway over. What should we do?

A: The short answer is let him quit. You pushed this on him, so you should let him stop. If he had begged to do it and then wanted to quit, I’d say he should finish the season. But since you insisted despite his protests—and he hates it—let him off the hook.

Now to address your concern about his exercise or lack of movement. There are easier ways to get him moving, so maybe you should leave off organized sports for a while.

Just kick him outside. If he wants to read a book on the front porch, that’s fine. I’ve found that kids will get moving if faced with the opportunity, so getting him out of the house should be step number one.

Step number two is to provide him with the tools of a good outdoor experience. A scooter, bike, outdoor playset and games should do the trick. Chalk and a bouncy ball would work, too. Doesn’t have to be elaborate as their imagination will supply the necessary fun.

You can also tell him to run around the house a few times or take a walk down the block. At 8, he’s old enough to branch out from your house on his own, provided you live in a safe neighborhood (and let’s face it, most of us do).

If you need to, set a kitchen timer for half hour or so, to encourage outdoor activity. With enough opportunity, he’ll eventually want to be outside more than inside.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

The Right Amount

Q: I have two children ages 7 and 9, in the first and third grade, respectively. We haven’t given them allowance yet, but would like to start. How do we decide how much and when? Should it be tied to chores?

A: Your children are old enough for an allowance. In our household, we start allowances at the beginning of first grade, after they’ve had some instruction in money. We also raise the allowance at the start of every school year.

How much depends on a number of factors: how much disposable income you have and what you want your kids to do with the money. If this is for a teenager, I’d recommend a higher allowance; for a first grader, a dollar or less a week should suffice. Some financial experts say you should give your child a dollar a week times their age (7 years old = $7 weekly), but I think that might be too much for an elementary-school age child.

We start the allowance at 50 cents a week, then raise it a quarter each year. So my fourth grader receives $1.25, while my third grader gets $1. The kindergartner and preschooler have no allowance yet.

Image courtesy of Idea go from FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Don’t tie the allowance to chores—chores are what the child does because he’s part of the family. You don’t get paid for your chores, and neither should he.

But don’t just give the allowance to your child. You should require a few things of him.

1. Give the allowance on the same day each week (like Saturday, for example).
2. The child cannot borrow against next week’s allowance—you are not a bank or a credit card.
3. Require your child to save some of the allowance and give some away each week.

Having an allowance is a great way to help your child gain an understanding about money, one you can build upon as the child grows older and the allowance grows larger.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.