How to Handle a Relocation

Q: Our family has lived in our current city for eight years, so this is the only home our three children (upper elementary school age) have known. However, we will soon be moving to another state for my husband’s job, and we’re not sure how to help the kids with this difficult transition. We’ll be much closer to grandparents, but I know the kids will miss their school and friends very much. How should we talk about the move with our kids?

A: As soon as you have firm dates, you and your husband should tell the children together. Provide details—when you’ll sell your house, how you’ll find a new place, etc.—but don’t overwhelm with them with the nitty gritty. Be sure to tell them you know this is hard news but that you’ll all work together to make it not too difficult. Sometimes just acknowledging the hurt they’ll feel can help immensely.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.com

Now for some practical suggestions to smooth the transition.

1. Have the kids capture memories of your current home by giving them a camera and notebook to record their favorite nooks and crannies in the house, neighborhood and yard. Go on a “tour” of your town as a family and snap pictures of everyone’s favorite restaurant, park or place to visit.
2. Make a list of especially close friends and plan as many one-on-one time to say goodbye or throw a “we’re moving” party and invite friends to send and/or record goodbyes in a memory book, video camera, etc. Have an address book for names and mailing/email addresses to keep in touch.
3. Get a guide book or tourism info for your new city for the kids to peruse at their leisure. Take photos of your new home and their rooms, if they can’t visit the house before the move.
4. Build in time for tears. I know moving means you have a ton of things to do on a checklist a mile long, but make time to hold your children when they’re feeling sad about the move. Doesn’t have to be long, but a few minutes sitting on the front porch swing in the gloom of the evening while they struggle with how to say goodbye can be worth more than having one more thing done.
5. Finally, give them time to adjust. They say it takes a good six months or more to really settle into a new home (job, school, etc.), so some of your children might seem fine and then fall apart three months after the move. Give them time to adjust both to leaving and to the new place. When you arrive at the new place, make sure the kids know where things are, like the library, the school they'll be attending, etc. Spend time exploring your new city, perhaps by picking a day each week to visit someplace new.

Make time as a family to talk about what you’ll miss and what you’ll not miss. Help your children write letters or emails to friends by making sure they have envelopes and stamps or the computer set up. Let them see you miss your old home, too. Nothing binds a family together like shared sorrow, but make sure you don’t wallow in the grief by remembering the happy times, too, and the positives about your new home.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog. 

Moving Anxiety

Q: We sold our house a few weeks ago, and since then, our three-year-old has been crying a lot at preschool, which she attends three days a week. This is a change from the first of the year, when she shed a few tears at drop off. Now she cries as soon as we leave the house and doesn’t stop. She’s been telling the teacher that she has to throw up or needs to go potty, and ends up spending a significant amount of time in the restroom. Her behavior is disrupting the class.

We’ve tried to be supportive of her during this time. Our doctor said she was experiencing anxiety from having to move. How should we handle this?

A: It sounds like you’ve been a bit too supportive. When your daughter is calm, tell her that you will be taking a new approach to her crying over the house being sold. Say she has 10 minutes in which to express her feelings on the matter. Set a kitchen timer for 10 minutes and let her cry, fuss or whatever for that time period. Then tell her that the matter is closed. When she cries excessively (anything over a couple of minutes) at preschool, ask the teachers to call you and you’ll come get her. Once back home, she goes to her room (striped of play value) for the rest of the day. If she cries at home, send her to her room or a special “crying place,” such as the powder room.

Your daughter has figured out, inadvertently, that her crying gets her lots of attention. The more she cries, the more upset and anxious and solicitous the adults around her get. In other words, she’s become addicted to the attention and so she cries for long periods of time to get the attention she’s craving.

As with all temper tantrums, she’s the only one who can end the cycle. But she needs help to do so. Start by treating any tears from her without emotion to avoid validating her tears. Simply point her to her crying place for her to go to get control of herself. When she’s stopped crying, she can come out. Above all, don’t ask her why she’s crying—at this point, she very likely can’t remember or doesn’t know. It’s become a habit and like with all habits, it can be broken with consistent, unemotional support from you. This will likely take a few days or a week, but by treating her tears as something she can control, you will help her get over this hump.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.