Curbing Unsportsmanlike Behavior

 Q: Our 11-year-old son, in a fit of pique over missing a soccer kick, pushed a younger teammate (a 10-year-old girl). We plan on making him apologize to the girl’s father (and coach) and have confined him to his room for a week without electronics. This isn’t the first time his displeasure over a game or play not going his way has manifested itself, but it is the first time he’s actually taken out his frustration on a teammate. What should we do?

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A: First, he needs to sincerely apologize to the girl, not just her father. Second, after his week of lockdown, he needs some lessons in how to be a good sport. Spend some time practicing how he can respond when he misses a soccer kick or his team loses a game. Literally walk him through the scenarios, such as pretending to be on the winning team and having your son congratulate you and shake your hand.

When he makes a mistake on the field, help him practice how he will respond in a constructive way, such as only grimacing and then shaking it off. He should even practice how to encourage a teammate who misses a play, such as shouting, “No worries, you’ll get it next time!” or something like that.

When his team wins, help him not to express too much enthusiasm, i.e., trash talking the other team’s defeat, but to celebrate with some restraint in order to show good sportsmanlike behavior. Playing any sport—team or individual—requires learning how to handle the disappointments as well as the victories.

Finally, impress upon him that any unsportsmanlike behavior will result in being benched for the rest of the season, period, end of story. You want to nip this behavior in the bud so that he will be a true team member and not the kid no one wants to play with because of his behavior. If you run through how he’s to behavior both on and off the field before games, he should straighten up and play well. You want your son to be respectful and a good team player, so take the time to each him how to do both. The rest is up to him.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

Is There Such a Thing As Too Much Attending?

There’s the mom who is never absent from any activity or party for her child’s class. The dad who never misses a soccer game or practice. The mother who volunteers so much at her child’s school that she knows every teacher by name.

When I was a kid, my mom came to a few school-related events, but not every one, despite her not having an outside job. My parents sat in the stands for only a handful of home basketball games during my three-year tenure on the high school team. Most other kids I knew had parents who showed up at some, but definitely far from all, sports games, school events and class parties.

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I’m probably going to step on some toes when I say that was a good thing—for both the parents and the children. Did I really need my mother there at every single thing I did? No, and frankly, I didn’t want her there all the time. Did I need her there some of the time? Yes, and for the big ones, like school plays, she attended to cheer me on (but not every performance!). Most of my friends felt the same way. It was actually nice to come home to tell my mom about the basket I made at a game she didn’t see, or how the class party went with which she didn’t help.

We’ve become parents who think if we miss any event, no matter how small, related to our children that we must be a Bad Mother or Terrible Father. But I posit that it’s healthier when you give your kids some space to experience those things on their own. It helps children formulate their own identities separate from their parents—and also gives them the chance to form their own narrative of the event in question. If Mom attended the party, she knows what happened—and Junior can’t leave out potentially embarrassing facts.

For parents, not showing up at every activity possible helps us separate our lives from our children’s—and assists with the growing up process. We should have lives outside of our children, and at times, that outside life must take precedence over a child’s event or game.

So I encourage you to not automatically say yes to attending all activities, but pick some that you enjoy and leave others for your children to enjoy solo. I think you’ll find a happier medium when both of you learn to give the other more breathing room.

Until next time,

Sarah

Should You Force Sports?

Q: My 8-year-old son played t-ball for three years before we switched him to coach-pitch baseball. He loved t-ball, but repeatedly asked us not to make him play coach-pitch baseball. We signed him up because we thought he might like it and that he needed the exercise, as he tends to be a homebody. He’s miserable, but the season’s not even halfway over. What should we do?

A: The short answer is let him quit. You pushed this on him, so you should let him stop. If he had begged to do it and then wanted to quit, I’d say he should finish the season. But since you insisted despite his protests—and he hates it—let him off the hook.

Now to address your concern about his exercise or lack of movement. There are easier ways to get him moving, so maybe you should leave off organized sports for a while.

Just kick him outside. If he wants to read a book on the front porch, that’s fine. I’ve found that kids will get moving if faced with the opportunity, so getting him out of the house should be step number one.

Step number two is to provide him with the tools of a good outdoor experience. A scooter, bike, outdoor playset and games should do the trick. Chalk and a bouncy ball would work, too. Doesn’t have to be elaborate as their imagination will supply the necessary fun.

You can also tell him to run around the house a few times or take a walk down the block. At 8, he’s old enough to branch out from your house on his own, provided you live in a safe neighborhood (and let’s face it, most of us do).

If you need to, set a kitchen timer for half hour or so, to encourage outdoor activity. With enough opportunity, he’ll eventually want to be outside more than inside.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Is Quitting Okay?

Q: Our eight-year-old son started playing basketball with a local league, and he hates it. He’d been begging us to let him try, but once he started going to the practices and games, he has changed his mind. My husband says he should stick it out for the season, which ends in four more weeks, but I think he should be allowed to quit now.

A: My two girls had a similar experience a few years ago with ballet. They had been begging me to take dance classes, and so I finally gave in and signed them up with a local dance studio that allowed you to pay by the month. We got ballet and tap shoes, leotards with little skirts and off we went to class. It wasn’t easy for me, with two younger brothers to entertain while the girls were in class, but I was willing to make a go of it.

After a four weeks—and after I had paid for the next month—the girls began to drag their feet when I told them it was time for dance class. Finally, one of them told me they didn’t want to take anymore. Apparently, it wasn’t what they thought it would be (no twirling in front of mirrors, more repetitive steps). Since we had paid for the next four weeks, I made them finish the course, then let them drop dance.

That would be my recommendation for your son. Unless there’s another reason for his change of heart, if he has discovered he doesn’t like basketball, then let him finish the season and stop. This will teach him to finish what he started whenever possible, and also that sometimes what we want isn’t always what we really want. He thought he wanted to play basketball, but the reality turned out differently.

In the future, if he expresses interest in something new—a sport, musical instrument, etc.—have him try it for a few weeks first before committing to a full season. For example, he could take group lessons to learn the basics of an instrument (that you rent, not buy) before you find a one-on-one teacher. For a sport, maybe your husband could take him to a professional or semi-professional sports team practice to give your son a fuller idea of how hard it is to learn the rules and moves required.

This will encourage him to investigate his interests a bit more before committing to it, which will make his continuing with the sport more likely—and avoid having him hop from one thing to another.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.