Battle of Wills Between Mother and Daughter

Q: I am locked in a battle of wills with my 10-year-old! She has been having problems finishing her work in school. Her teacher says she’s perfectly capable of doing the work; she just doesn’t want to! Four weeks ago, we started sending her to bed immediately after school and she still won’t finish her work on time. It has become a huge burden on our family, as having her go to bed early means we can’t do anything as a family. She has no privileges at all—no TV, no favorite things, no time with friends. Please help us! I want to leave the house. And what should we do about the summer? Should we continue to punish her over the break?

A. I’m going to say something shocking but please keep reading: You will not win this battle with your daughter. As you’ve seen, she is determined not to do her school work. All of your efforts to get her to comply have come to naught. There are times when a parent has to be the one to end the battle because the child can't. This is one of those times.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So stop trying. Yes, I’m advocating “giving up” in the sense that you’re going to stop talking about it, asking about it, and punishing her for not doing it. Just kick the huge School Work Monkey off of your back and put it where it belongs—on your daughter’s back. Until you do so, you’re the one who will suffer, not your daughter.

Start by saying to your daughter something like this: “I’ve been nagging you about your school work and I realize I’ve been wrong to do so. Your school work is your responsibility, so I’m going to leave it to you to do it or not.” That’s it. No other explanation is in order.

With school in session only a few more weeks, I recommend you let it go for this year. However, next school year, during the fall parent-teacher conference, tell her new teacher that it will be your daughter’s responsibility to complete her work on time and to her teacher’s satisfaction. Go on to say that you will not be responsible for making sure she does her school work—that’s her responsibility. Add that you expect the teacher to give your daughter the grade she deserves no matter what.

Then remind your daughter that all school work and homework are her responsibility and hers alone—then don’t discuss it any further. If it becomes a problem, then you may need to explore further consequences, such as being prepared to have her repeat a grade if she’s not doing the work. But she’s old enough to realize her defiance will get her nowhere fast.

On a side note, you found out what every parent eventually finds out: that just because you do the right thing doesn’t mean your child will do the right thing. That doesn't mean the consequences weren't "working"--it just means your daughter is determined not to bend on this issue.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

The Good Mother

I’m a terrible mother.

Before you call social services and report me, no, I don’t beat or starve my children, but there are days when I fall way short of today’s definition of a good mother. I don’t spend a lot of time with my children (and often think that’s okay). I don’t correct their homework (and have no intention of doing so). At times, I get annoyed when they interrupt me. I sometimes yell at them when they frustrate me (like spilling milk on the table I just cleaned).

How many times have I not paid attention to what a child was saying because my attention was on my email? How many times do I pack my day with too much work and end up too tired to play a game or read a story to them before bed?

We as mothers and women have a tendency to set the bar so high, it’s nigh on impossible to reach. We tell ourselves that if we don’t bake the cookies from scratch, or don’t pay close enough attention to the babblings of the 2-year-old, or don’t fill-in-the-blank, our children will not be happy, healthy, or have a good life.

Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? But how many of us have had similar thoughts dance through our minds, along with the accompanying guilt at not being a good enough mother? I sure have, even though I try very hard not to.

Then there’s the inevitable comparisons with other mothers. Even when we’re not consciously thinking about how other women parent, it can seep into our minds in the blink of an eye.

Here’s an example of what I mean: When my oldest was a toddler, we went to the park on one of the first warm spring days. She had on a short-sleeved shirt probably for the first time that year. As we walked to the playground, I looked around at the other mothers who were arriving with their children. Nearly every one of them had whipped out a tube of sunscreen and was slathering their child’s face and arms with the stuff. My daughter looked at me and asked if she needed sunscreen. I told her no and to go play, but in that moment, I felt like a bad mother, one who sends her defenseless child out into the sunny world with no sunscreen.

Other times this feeling has cropped up for me includes being the mom without the first aid kit at the playground and another mom has to lend you a Band-aid to bandage your child’s bloody knee. Or giving my kids a non-organic, not-too-healthy snack when other moms have artfully arranged carrot sticks and hummus.

If we fall into this mindset that we are not good enough mothers, that our parenting styles and family life is not up to par with the rest of the world—and as a result our children will not be able to fulfill their great destinies— then we will miss out on a lot of the joys of childhood.

We also will miss out on the laughter and the pain, the joys and the sorrows, the average grades and the missed goals. And those lessons learned from not being perfect, from seeing how we as mothers handle life’s disappointments, and from enjoying life to its fullest whatever our circumstances, are priceless.

It’s not being the perfect mother that our children will love us for—it’s being the best mother we can be for them. That won’t look good some days, but if we turn our backs on measuring ourselves to an impossible standard, we can have more good days than bad.

It took me several years to come to terms that I wasn’t a great mother by certain standards. And there are times when I slip and start to obsess about how I’m not a good mother. But most of the time, I aim to be a good enough mother, and so far, it’s been a good one for my four children.

Until next time,

Sarah