Book Review: A “Fail-Safe” Method for School Success

During a back-to-school night at our local elementary school, we visited our daughter’s fourth-grade classroom. There, along with our daughter’s classmates’ parents, we learned from her teacher what she would be doing in fourth grade that year.

The teacher started off her presentation by having us participate in a game she did some mornings to get her pupils engaged in learning about each other. The teacher would say a fact, and those to whom the same fact applied, would stand up. She started with, “I have a child in fourth grade,” and everyone stood up and replied, “Just like me.”

She gave a few more statements before she said, “I help my child with homework,” to which every single parent stood up—except for us. Of course, all eyes swiveled around to see who the miscreants were who didn’t—gasp!—help their child with homework. It was a moment of clarity that showed just how we as parents have bought into the notion that helping our children with homework was a necessary part of their schooling experience.

But, as John Rosemond points out in his new book, John Rosemond’s Fail-Safe Formula For Helping Your Child Succeed in School, exactly who is that helping? The conclusion Rosemond draws is that it isn’t the child.

He rightly points out that one underlying problem has infused all school-related troubles with an extra coating of confusion: “The average, middle-class American mom takes pretty much for granted that if her child fails to measure up to one standard or another—whether behavioral, social, or academic—that shortcoming is in some way indicative of a failing or inadequacy on her part” (emphasis his). Rosemond doesn’t belabor this point, one he’s made in other, more general parenting books, but it does bear repeating in this guidebook on school troubles, given that many times, our actions as parents compound the problem our children are having with schoolwork.

His chapter on homework is especially worth the price of the book, as he strips away the veneer of why we think homework is important (grades!) to reveal what he deems the Seven Hidden Values of Homework: Responsibility, autonomy, perseverance, time management, initiative, self-reliance and resourcefulness. Who know a simple math worksheet could accomplish so much?

The key to uncovering these values—and allowing our children to reap the full benefits of those values—is to empower our children to do their homework entirely on their own, with minimal (read: hardly any) assistance from parents.

Lest you think the book is all about homework, it isn’t. Rosemond tackles other school troubles, including how to correct school performance and classroom behaviors and why retention can be a good thing. Also helpful is the question-and-answer sections in each chapter that provide real-life examples and solutions.

Overall, this is a welcome update to his earlier Ending the Homework Hassle. However, I would caution that this isn’t for the faint of heart. If you’re serious about helping your child recover his own responsibility in the area of school, then Rosemond’s suggestions will provide a blueprint for accomplishing that. If you’re not, then you might be more alarmed than comforted by the no-nonsense and practical advice contained within these pages.

Personally, I hope more parents would find the courage to follow Rosemond’s advice and give the school work back to the child. After all, full ownership of a thing—be it homework or behavior—is the best way that a child learns to be resilient, self-confident and resourceful.

Battle of Wills Between Mother and Daughter

Q: I am locked in a battle of wills with my 10-year-old! She has been having problems finishing her work in school. Her teacher says she’s perfectly capable of doing the work; she just doesn’t want to! Four weeks ago, we started sending her to bed immediately after school and she still won’t finish her work on time. It has become a huge burden on our family, as having her go to bed early means we can’t do anything as a family. She has no privileges at all—no TV, no favorite things, no time with friends. Please help us! I want to leave the house. And what should we do about the summer? Should we continue to punish her over the break?

A. I’m going to say something shocking but please keep reading: You will not win this battle with your daughter. As you’ve seen, she is determined not to do her school work. All of your efforts to get her to comply have come to naught. There are times when a parent has to be the one to end the battle because the child can't. This is one of those times.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So stop trying. Yes, I’m advocating “giving up” in the sense that you’re going to stop talking about it, asking about it, and punishing her for not doing it. Just kick the huge School Work Monkey off of your back and put it where it belongs—on your daughter’s back. Until you do so, you’re the one who will suffer, not your daughter.

Start by saying to your daughter something like this: “I’ve been nagging you about your school work and I realize I’ve been wrong to do so. Your school work is your responsibility, so I’m going to leave it to you to do it or not.” That’s it. No other explanation is in order.

With school in session only a few more weeks, I recommend you let it go for this year. However, next school year, during the fall parent-teacher conference, tell her new teacher that it will be your daughter’s responsibility to complete her work on time and to her teacher’s satisfaction. Go on to say that you will not be responsible for making sure she does her school work—that’s her responsibility. Add that you expect the teacher to give your daughter the grade she deserves no matter what.

Then remind your daughter that all school work and homework are her responsibility and hers alone—then don’t discuss it any further. If it becomes a problem, then you may need to explore further consequences, such as being prepared to have her repeat a grade if she’s not doing the work. But she’s old enough to realize her defiance will get her nowhere fast.

On a side note, you found out what every parent eventually finds out: that just because you do the right thing doesn’t mean your child will do the right thing. That doesn't mean the consequences weren't "working"--it just means your daughter is determined not to bend on this issue.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

High School Freshman: Bored or Sabotaging His Future?

Q: Our son, a freshman, has had a difficult adjustment to high school. Socially, he seems fine, but he is exhibiting anxiety issues. He completes his homework on time, but it’s not always his best effort. However, he’s been flunking tests and quizzes. He has been saying that school is boring and he doesn’t see college in his future. I think he’s afraid of the future, which is why he’s given up on school. How can we help him to reach out to the school for help and get him to do his work?

A: High school is definitely a different animal than middle school, with harder subjects and more distractions. The good news is that he’s doing well socially. The not-so-good news is that his interest in friends could be contributing to the problem if he’s more interested in his social standing than his academic performance.

The bad news is you can do nothing to help him. It’s his work, not yours. If he wants to flunk out, then there’s little you can do to stop him. But do not despair! You can motivate him to solve this problem on his own. I’d recommend a weekly report that your son has to give to each teacher on Friday for their signature. The teachers would have to assert that your son is passing their class with a grade of “C” or better and is not missing any assignments. The report is cumulative to ensure consistent, good performance. Get the teachers’ buy-in before implementing the report by scheduling a meeting with them and going over the report. The report should be simple for the teachers to fill in.

Needless to say, it will be your son’s responsibility to get the teachers to sign the report each week. If he does not get “passing” ratings from all his teachers, then he’s under full restriction—no special events, after school activities, phone calls, electronic devices, etc.—until he brings home a report with all “passing” ratings.

The purpose is to put the responsibility for his grades on the shoulders of the only person who can solve the problem—your son. A system like this gives him clear expectations and a weekly chance to do well in school.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.