Winding Up, Crashing Down

Q: My six-year-old daughter has had crazy mood swings lately, especially around the holidays. She’s well-behaved during school. But at events around family, which includes cousins she plays nicely with, she’ll come home and simply not calm down. If anything, her behavior spirals quickly out of control into hyperactivity. For example, one time when we got home just past her regular bedtime, she couldn’t brush her teeth—just kept jumping around the bathroom, blurting out silly things and laughing. When my husband threatened to punish her, her “happy” mood dissolved into tears and uncontrollable crying. What can we do to prevent this cycle from continuing the next time we’re around family or friends?

A: It sounds to me like your daughter has stimuli overload. At school, she behaves but lets it all hang out at home. Super-charged events, like holidays and family gatherings, can wind some kids up until they just lose control over their actions, hence the silliness in the bathroom. For example, one of my kids gets very upset in situations where he/she doesn’t know what to do or where to go. I have to remind myself of his/her tendency and respond to his/her initial frustration expressions more calmly, as well as provide assistance in helping the child overcome the situation, such as with calming techniques or permission to sit alone with a book for a bit to regroup.

That doesn't mean we excuse bad behavior, but that we understand that he/she is one of those kids who gets wired in certain situations. That understanding can help us parents know how to handle it and also help the child learn how to gain control in similar circumstances.

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FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So for your daughter, it might be better if you had let her skip the tooth-brushing and physically assisted her get in her pajamas that evening. A story with the lights down low and snuggling close with you or your husband as you read would help as well, or perhaps a story told or favorite song sung as she lay in bed in the dark.

Just knowing she would likely come home all wired up will help you and your husband to respond in quieter and calmer tones, which should, in turn, help her to unwind more. You might consider bringing PJs to such events and having her change before you leave if you know it will be late when you get home. That way, you can play soothing music in the car on the way home and pop her in bed immediately (skipping one night of brushing her teeth every once in a while won’t hurt her). You could also just plan on leaving earlier so that she has time to unwind before her regular bedtime.

When she comes home from school, help her make the transition between school and home. Let her run around the outside of the house six times (or up and down the sidewalk X times) or jump on a mini-trampoline for X minutes. Any activity to help her get some of her energy redirected in physical activity can help calm her brain.

Whatever you do, don’t give her electronics on school days as many studies have shown electronics of any sort can wind up kids' brains. Avoid high-sugar foods as snacks, too; instead, try fruit and/or cheese for a quick snack after school. Get some books or other children’s audio CDs from the library and let her listen to one in her room directly after supper to wind down for the night. Some good ones are the Rabbit Ears collections of fairy tales, world tales and folk tales--very excellent!--and the History of the World CD sets.

Above all, stay as calm as you can and do what you can to help her develop her own way of handling those transitions and stimuli. 

Two Ds and a B Spell Trouble

Q: My eight-year-old boy has been disobedient and defiant since he was three. He’s also bullying his three younger siblings. We’ve tried stripping his room and putting him on restriction, but I don’t think we’ve held the line as long as we should have. It hasn’t seemed to make a different in his behavior. We plan on kicking him out of the garden [stripping his room of play value and confining him to his room]. However, even though his “things” are not available, all the toys of our other kids are strewn all over the house. And what do we do about family plans, such as camping?

Image courtesy of ponsuwan/FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

A: With four children of my own, I understand your concerns. Here’s a solution: the 30-day chart system. On the fridge, post a list of three to five targeted misbehaviors, such as “No bullying,” “Obey the first time we tell you to do something,” etc. Be as specific as you can in the behaviors to leave no wiggle room on his part. Put away all of his favorite toys and/or electronics (that means no TV, DVDs, movies, in addition to any video games, etc.), even if it’s something with which another sibling likes to play. Remember to think like your son does and hit him where it hurts, a la the Godfather Principle (make them an offer they can’t refuse).

If he does any of the targeted misbehaviors while out of his room, he has two “free” passes per day. If he “uses” the two free passes by doing one of the misbehaviors, then he’s in a guest room (without toys, etc.) and to bed (in his own room) directly after supper, lights out. Each time he’s confined to his room, the 30 day chart starts over the next day—even if he blows it on the 29th day.

Inform him that he will start to get back his things once he can go 30 days without the target misbehaviors. Even if he’s confined to his room, he can still go with you on outings when you can’t leave him at home.

As for the bullying aspect: Be careful that you don’t assign roles to your kids, as in your older son is the “bully” and your younger children are the “victims.” Remember that children are going to have conflict, and to let them work it out for the most part on their own. You should not be refereeing their squabbles. If they’re fighting over a toy, then take the toy away but don’t assign blame or try to figure out who started the fight, etc.

Stay the course until he can complete 30 days without losing his two free passes, then you can “step it up” (by adding another target misbehavior to the list) or “step it down” (by removing one of his two daily free passes). Some kids are more bullish than others when it comes to learning, so that’s why it’s likely to get worse before it gets better.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

When Teen Plays Jekyll and Hyde, Parents Need to Get Mean

Q: Our 13-year-old son has become a brat to us and his younger sister. At school, he is a good student and gets along well with his teachers. At home, he’s horrible, misbehavior, talking back, etc. He can behave when he wants his privileges but nasty other times. His birthday is coming up and he wants it to be special. Help!

A: Unfortunately, your story is being replicated in many homes around the country, as we buy in to the notion that teenagers are moody, disrespectful beings who should be approached gingerly. This didn't used to be the case. A hundred years ago or so, teenagers were valued members of society, who contributed to their families in meaningful ways. But do not despair. There is hope that your teen can be a respectful, productive member of your family and community. So take heart—if he’s behaving at school, you must be doing something right.

Now for some practical advice. Consistency is the key to success in this area. Whenever your son is disrespectful, talks back, etc. (might help to make a list of behaviors to target and pick the top five to start with), at home, then he can either go to his room for an hour or he can refuse. If he does go to his room but does not stay quietly for a full hour, ignore him. The first time he refuses to serve his punishment, he loses his favorite weekend privilege (i.e., being with friends). The second refusal, he loses his second-favorite weekend privilege (i.e., having a friend over). The third refusal means he loses all weekend privileges and goes to bed at eight o’clock every night. The success depends on your consistent but calm enforcement. Only say, “That’s an hour in your room.” If he protests he didn’t hear you, shrug and say, “You’d better clean the wax out of your ears,” and commence with the weekend privilege takeaways.

This is called being “mean,” as in, you mean what you say. I’d rather be a mean parent any day of the week.

By the way, the above advice is adapted from John Rosemond’s Teen Proofing book, which I highly recommend as a good way to get on the right page for the future.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Clouding the Issue

Q. My five-year-old daughter played hide and seek with a classmate rather than lining up after recess. The two of them also went in through another door at the school. While I don’t know what consequences happened at school, how should I punish her at home? This isn’t the first time the two of them have made mischief together. On a side note, when I talked to my daughter about this, she began yelling that I said she was dumb, etc. What should I do?

A: I highly recommend leveling a memorable home punishment to nip this behavior in the bud. Confine her to her room, which has only the bare essentials (no toys), directly after school, and move up her bedtime to right after supper. Each time you receive a negative report from school, simply tell you daughter what the teacher said (as a statement, not a question), and send her to her room.

Do not let her cloud the issue with her diversion tactics by screaming about what your supposed name calling. Ignore the drama, and she’ll eventually stop doing that as much. She’ll probably always have a certain amount of dramatic outbursts throughout her life, but you’ll handle them better if you realize she’s angry at the situation she caused. I’d recommend acquiring a sense of humor when it comes to those dramatic statements.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Bad to the Bone

Babies exude innocence. After all, they are quite helpless, needing someone to feed, change, dress and do a host of other things for them.

But contrary to popular wisdom, babies are not all sweetness and light—they are, frankly, bad. They can’t help it because they—and everyone else—are born that way. It’s hard to look at your baby and think of him as a heathen in every since of the world.

Especially as mothers, we learn early on how to differentiate our baby’s cry, classifying it as hungry, sleepy, unhappy and angry. And boy, do babies get angry sometimes. They might not have words to express their angst, but they certainly have a good set of lungs and can fill the air with their angry cries.

I’ve always been amazed by parents who persist in viewing their children as angels who have to be taught to be disobedient, to steal, to lie, to cheat, to do bad things.

If you’re still not convinced, just think about your children when they were toddlers. Did you go around teaching them to scream and throw things when they didn’t get their way? Did you teach them to smack you in the face when they were angry? Did someone teach them to take toys away from other children and hit those kids over the head when they protested?

No one has to teach children to be bad—their sinful hearts can handle that task just fine. It’s our job as parents to teach them how to overcome their bad tendencies. In other words, to civilize them.

As parents, it’s much easier to get past our children’s misbehaviors and to the correction, or civilizing, if we cease to be shocked that they are behaving badly. Nothing our children do should ever surprise us—everything that’s in our own hearts are in theirs as well, and they generally lack the filters that we wear.

If we start every day reminding ourselves that our children are sinners just like we are, we will be able to react to misbehaviors in a more godly manner, and less feeling that we’re to blame for their badness.

Knowing that our children suffer from the same forms of heart sickness that we do goes a long way in helping us understand them. It also can help us stay the course in correcting their misbehaviors as we help them learn self control and to get along with others.

Our children might have been born bad to the bone, but the good news is they don’t have to stay that way.