Loving the Unrepentant Child

Q: What do we do when our child refuses to be reconciled with you? In adult-to-adult relationships, each adult has the same responsibility to initiate reconciliation when conflict arises. But how does this apply to the parent-child relationship? For example, my teenage son has cursed at me, been outright rebellious, and has threatened to leave the house. Should the parent in such a situation take the initiative toward reconciliation, such as telling him I still love him despite his over-the-top misbehavior? Or do we wait for the child to humble himself and come to us?

A: This is a question as old as time itself. How do we as parents deal with a child who clearly has no desire to repair a relationship to which he has taken a sledge hammer?

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Let’s remember that the parent-child relationship is fraught with mistakes and outright messiness. The parent makes mistakes, the child makes mistakes. Emotions get out of control and things can slide downhill fast.

That said, we should try to model forgiveness and love as much as we can. That means, yes, we tell our children that we love them no matter what they do--because we do and we should. However, that doesn’t mean we don’t get annoyed, hurt, angered, or saddened by their behavior and choices, but it does mean that we love them as unconditionally as we can in our imperfect human state.

In your example, you should take the initiative for two reasons. One because you’re the adult and he’s the child (even as he nears adulthood), and two, because you’re his father. This isn’t to say you condone the behavior, but we have to be the ones to hold out the olive branch of forgiveness in order to make it easier for our children to ask for it. We should be the ones who try to heal the breach first because we need to show our children how to do that.

Most of the time, children of all ages find it difficult to be the one to take the first step toward righting a wrong. It’s not easily to be humble and apologetic in the best of circumstances. Throw in a fight with a parent, and that step could morph into an insurmountable mountain for a child to climb.

Of course, we pray that our children will see the wrongness of their actions, but in the end, it’s not up to us to convict their hearts—that’s the province of God--so we tell them we love them, we levy appropriate consequences when necessary, and we make the way back “home” not steep or rocky, but paved with love and forgiveness. 

Stressed-Out Teens

The headline screamed the warning: “Teen Stress Rivals That of Adults.” American teens report experiences with stress that follow a similar pattern as adults, according to a new survey released this month by the American Psychological Association (APA). In fact, during the school year, teens say their stress level is higher than levels reported by adults in the past month. For teens and adults alike, stress has an impact on healthy behaviors like exercising, sleeping well and eating healthy foods.

The sobering news for parents is that the findings from Stress in America™: Are Teens Adopting Adults’ Stress Habits? suggest that unhealthy behaviors associated with stress may begin manifesting early in people’s lives. “It is alarming that the teen stress experience is so similar to that of adults. It is even more concerning that they seem to underestimate the potential impact that stress has on their physical and mental health,” said Norman Anderson, CEO/executive vice president of APA, in a press release.

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The study found that stress levels during the school year far exceeds what teens believe to be healthy and tops adults’ average reported stress levels. Even during the summer, teens reported their stress during the past month at levels higher than what they believe is healthy. Many teens also report feeling overwhelmed (31 percent) and depressed or sad (30 percent) as a result of stress. More than one-third of teens report fatigue or feeling tired (36 percent) and nearly one-quarter of teens (23 percent) report skipping a meal due to stress.

“Parents and other adults can play a critical role in helping teens get a handle on stress by modeling healthy stress management behaviors,” said Anderson. What can you do to help your teen (or younger child) reduce stress?

1. Don’t overemphasize grades. Yes, doing well in school is important, but much of the time we drill the mantra “get good grades” at the expense of all else. We need to remember that grades don’t matter as much as our child’s health and well being. That grades are only part of the picture of his growing up. That grades can’t replace characteristics like honor and trust and respect and kindness.
2. Don’t project your fears on your kids. Sometimes, it’s our own fear of being labeled a failure as a parent that propels us to push our kids too hard in school, in sports, and at home. When you find yourself becoming too agitated about the results, step back, take a deep breath, and realize that it’s probably your own fear talking.
3. Don’t live your child’s life. This goes along with “don’t project your fears.” We should remember that our children will likely pick a different path than perhaps we would have for them—and that’s okay. It might be a career that we think has no potential or for which they might not be ideally suited. It could be the decision to drop a sport they previously enjoyed. We need to let them live their own lives, no matter what that might look like (with the caveat that we still need to step in when there’s real danger involved or laws being broken).
4. Don’t forget to allow for fun. Sometimes, our teenagers get so involved with classes, college applications, extracurricular activities (for those college applications), that they forget there’s more to life than school. Sometimes, we’re the ones pressuring them to do more homework, more studying, more classes, more volunteering. Make sure you encourage them to have fun, to relax, to do nothing, and to spend time with family and friends.
5. Don’t forget to listen. Teenagers still need parents, and really listening to what they’re saying—and not saying—can clue us in to how they’re handling everything. Much of the time, they act like they can shoulder the world, but in reality, they still need us to help them with boundaries.

Above all, remember that you need to take care not to be constantly stressed, either, as that’s not an example for our children to emulate. Take breaks, pull back, let go, and enjoy your children. Reduce the stress in your own life to help lower the stress in theirs.

Until next time,

Sarah

Good for the Goose, Good for the Gander?

Q: Over the summer, my 18-year-old son claims we shouldn’t restrict him for playing Internet video games when his older sister (20) watches TV constantly. They are both college students and are back in school now, but will be home for breaks. My son tends to be shier than his sister, but she also does more to help around the house. I don’t want my son to spend all his time online when he’s home. I’m really not looking forward to more fights when they come home for the holidays. What can we do?

A: Before I answer your question, I have one of my own. Why are you still micromanaging your adult children’s lives? Your daughter is 20 and your son is 18. Both are off at college. Therefore, they are perfectly capable of managing their own lives, complete with friends and responsibilities, right?

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As for the question you didn’t ask, which is how to get your adult children living at home to do chores, that is very simple. List chores to be done (this should be nearly all the household work), divide between the two of them. Tell them to do the chores (make sure you give specific times if you want chores down a certain way, like mowing the grass Saturday before noon). Then if the chores are not done, you can certainly take away their electronic toys.

What can you do to change your son? Nothing. The only person who can change your son is your son. You can’t make him do things differently. However, you can stop being an enabler. By that I mean don’t buy him games, don’t pay for his addiction, don’t give him a computer to play his games on, that sort of thing.

Finally, stop playing the “Not fair” game with your son. Life’s not fair and the sooner you stop trying to make it fair, then life will settle down more in your home.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Coming in early 2014, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Back Tracking

Q: I just started implementing “Teen Proofing” (based on John Rosemond’s book of the same name), and have realized that I micromanaged my 12-year-old horribly. Basically, for the past five years, I’ve been a screaming banshee with him. Through family therapy, I’ve regained control of my yelling, but my question is how do we undo our 10 years of micromanaging?

A: The bad news is that, unfortunately, you can’t undo the past, no matter how much you want to. But the good news is that you don’t have to let the past influence your future. You made mistakes—we all do as parents—and you’ll likely make some more going forward. If you haven’t already, please do apologize for yelling so much at your kids. Then use the techniques your therapist gave you to help you not allow screaming to be one of your parenting tools in the future.

Not micromanaging your child’s lives will take discipline on your part. I’d recommend before you do something for your child, count to 10 and then let him do it—or not do it, as the case may be. Let him rise to the occasion or fall on his face. He should have been learning this all along, but it’s not too late for him to catch up on this important life lesson.

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Above all, keep in mind that it’s the child who produces the child, not the parent. Each of your children is perfectly capable of handling his life. It might not look as pretty as when you do it—it will likely be messier and at times sink into disaster zones, but by taking giant steps backward in your parenting, you will be giving him the space he needs to figure out how to do things and how to handle it when things go wrong. Be prepared for him to balk at first. After all, you’ve been absorbing all the hits for him, smoothing his way, right? Add the phrase, “You can do it, I will not help you with that” to your vocabulary and use as often as needed—for him and you.

It will take a little time for you all to adjust, as you keep backing away and allowing your child to step up to the plate. Also remember that discipline doesn’t have to be meted out immediately with this age, so if you need to step away to regain control—and avoid screaming—then do so. You can deliver consequences later when you—and your son—have both cooled off.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on “The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works” through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on “Parenting With Love & Leadership” in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Q: My 15-year-old daughter doesn’t want to attend religious services with us any longer. She throws such a big fit every Sunday morning that we’ve caved on occasion and let her stay home. Should we continue to make her go or leave her at home?

A: I remember not wanting to attend church with my family as a teenager, but knew better than to protest outwardly. It was understood that unless you were truly sick—and my mother had strict definitions of what constituted sickness—you were going to church, no ifs, ands or buts about it.

The answer depends on how strongly you feel about church attendance. In our household, our faith is an integral part of our home life, and therefore going to worship on Sundays is a non-negotiable. If you feel that going with the family is important, then you need to make that clear to your daughter—and be prepared to follow up with consequences if she refuses.

In that case, I recommend invoking the Godfather Principle: Make her an offer she can’t refuse. For example, say you inform her on Saturday that attendance at church is expected the next morning. On Sunday, everyone’s ready for church but your daughter, who informs you she has no intention of going. You don’t want to be late, so you shrug and leave her at home, seemingly victorious in her defiance.

Nothing more is said on the matter until Thursday, she comes to you bubbling over with plans for a Friday night movie-and-sleepover at her BFF’s house. The conversation should go something like this:

Daughter: “Mom, my BFF is having a sleepover on Friday night! It’s going to be awesome.”

You: “It does sound like it will be fun.”

Daughter: “We’re watching all of the Twilight movies and staying up all night. Her mom is going to make pizzas for us.”

You: “I’m sorry you’ll miss that.”

Daughter, puzzled: “But there’s nothing on the family calendar for that night—I checked.”

You: “That’s right, there’s no family conflict.”

Daughter: “Then I can go?”

You, with a sorrowful expression: “I’m afraid not.”

Daughter, increasingly upset: “But why not?”

You: “Because you didn’t go to church with us last Sunday.”

Daughter, spluttering: “You, you can’t do that!”

You: “I’m sure you’ll have just as much fun home watching Star Wars with your brother.”

Then you walk away, leaving your daughter to stew in her own juices.

If she’s smart, this will be the only time you’ll have trouble getting her to church on Sunday morning. On the other hand, some kids learn things the hard way. Oh, and the title is borrowed from a Johnny Cash song, just in case you wondered.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Should a Mother Be a Daughter’s BFF?

Q: Our teenage daughter calls my wife (her mother) her best friend. Our daughter has some trouble making and keeping friends (I think because she’s bossy and demanding). But hearing my wife referred to as my daughter’s best friend is a little strange to me. Her mother says to our daughter that she can’t be her best friend and mother, but I’m not sure she’s putting those words into practice. How should a mother view her relationship with her teenage daughter?

A: So many parents forget that the time for friendship is after the child has been fully emancipated from the home with her own job, apartment and full responsibility for bills and living expenses. During the teenage years, the parent should be more of a mentor and begin when the child reaches 13, to slowly move back from a more hands-on approach.

It sounds like your wife is moving into more of a friendship than a mentor relationship with your daughter. For your daughter’s sake, she should readjust to be more a mentor and not share as much as a friend would. Your daughter needs to have friends of her own, which she might not do as readily if her mother is fulfilling that role in her life.

Your part in all of this is to co-mentor with your wife. As the father, you need to be a mentoring parent. Your wife appears to have the head knowledge that she should not be her daughter’s best friend, but a gentle nudge reminder from you would probably be good. The time to be friends with your daughter will come, but until then, enjoy your time as a mentor.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

When Teen Plays Jekyll and Hyde, Parents Need to Get Mean

Q: Our 13-year-old son has become a brat to us and his younger sister. At school, he is a good student and gets along well with his teachers. At home, he’s horrible, misbehavior, talking back, etc. He can behave when he wants his privileges but nasty other times. His birthday is coming up and he wants it to be special. Help!

A: Unfortunately, your story is being replicated in many homes around the country, as we buy in to the notion that teenagers are moody, disrespectful beings who should be approached gingerly. This didn't used to be the case. A hundred years ago or so, teenagers were valued members of society, who contributed to their families in meaningful ways. But do not despair. There is hope that your teen can be a respectful, productive member of your family and community. So take heart—if he’s behaving at school, you must be doing something right.

Now for some practical advice. Consistency is the key to success in this area. Whenever your son is disrespectful, talks back, etc. (might help to make a list of behaviors to target and pick the top five to start with), at home, then he can either go to his room for an hour or he can refuse. If he does go to his room but does not stay quietly for a full hour, ignore him. The first time he refuses to serve his punishment, he loses his favorite weekend privilege (i.e., being with friends). The second refusal, he loses his second-favorite weekend privilege (i.e., having a friend over). The third refusal means he loses all weekend privileges and goes to bed at eight o’clock every night. The success depends on your consistent but calm enforcement. Only say, “That’s an hour in your room.” If he protests he didn’t hear you, shrug and say, “You’d better clean the wax out of your ears,” and commence with the weekend privilege takeaways.

This is called being “mean,” as in, you mean what you say. I’d rather be a mean parent any day of the week.

By the way, the above advice is adapted from John Rosemond’s Teen Proofing book, which I highly recommend as a good way to get on the right page for the future.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.