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With school now begun all over the country, parents are
gearing up for another round of “My student must excel.” This goes beyond the
desire all of us have to see our children do the best they can with the skills
and abilities God has given them. Many parents are sure that if they just help
their child to succeed in school (elementary to high school), their child will
attend the right college and find the right job.
However, the “right” college degree that doesn’t guarantee
the “right” job. Today’s sad truth is that more Millennials—the current
generation of college graduates—are living at home with pricey college degrees
without work entirely or without a job in their chosen field of study.
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In a Washington Post
opinion piece published this summer, Robert J. Samuelson wrote about this
newish phenomenon of graduates, but his focus was on how the parents of these
Milliennials felt about having their sons and daughters boomeranging home after
graduating from university. He wrote about how baffled these parents are,
especially given that “as parents, our sense of self-worth depends heavily on
the success and happiness of our children.”
The problem with that mindset, that our parental self-worth
is closely tied to our children’s success and happiness, is that it doesn’t
make anyone happy or successful. That sense that our self-worth as parents
depends on the success of our children drives our parenting decisions of today.
But what many parents miss is that tie-in makes it more about the parent than
the child, more about appearances than about character, more about the
superficial than the ever-lasting.
The expectations we place on children from kindergarten (my
child must be reading before entering kindergarten or he’ll be behind!) to high
school (my child must take advanced classes or she’ll not get into the college
she wants to attend!) form the basis for our own parental happiness and our
children’s success, or so we think. What I would posit is that we need to return
to a time not so long ago when parents realized that school success—or lack of
success—wasn’t a reflection of their parenting but a picture of how their
children choose to use the gifts and abilities they have. Some kids will
squander their talents while others will soar to the heights. Most will scamper
along in the middle, which should be perfectly acceptable to us and to them as
long as they are not sliding along but doing their best.
So let’s all scale back on our scholastic expectations for
our children and become more relaxed about the beginning of the school year. By
not acting like the world will collapse if our children are not at the top of
their class or taking all the accelerated courses possible, all of us should
enjoy the academic year a lot more—and possibly have more fun, too.
Until next time,
Sarah
In the business world, motivation has been a hot topic of late, and companies are spending a lot of time and money on figuring out how to motivate their employees to work better and smarter, and how to motivate their clients or customers to spend more and support the business more.
All this motivation talk has filtered down to families, with parents now concerned with how to motivate their children to do well in school, to do chores around the house, to practice an instrument or sport, etc. Many times, moms and dads think that motivation has to do with rewards--the proverbial dangling carrot--and so offer a lot of quid pro quo scenarios, as in:
If you clean your room, we'll go get ice cream.
If you get an A on your science test, I'll give you $20.
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But what that type of motivating will quickly stall because of the Saturation Principle, which basically says each child reaches a certain point with a reward system in which the reward is no longer enough to motivate the child to a particular behavior. In other words, $20 for an A on a science test might work for the first one or two tests, but then the child will need a bigger incentive to do the same thing $20 previously "bought." Or a clean room would soon need a triple fudge sundae as reward when a plain vanilla cone used to be enough.
What the rewards-based motivation parent fails to realize is that a child needs to learn to do something for that something's own sake, not for the carrot dangled in front of him. The old maxim A job well done is its own reward has a lot of truth in it, one that should be taught to children and should be lived out in our lives as adults.
The fact is, there are many jobs and tasks that we have to do because they need doing--housecleaning, cooking, shopping for groceries, etc.--most of those are pretty non-glamorous and rather boring for many of us. If we teach our children that any work must be rewarded as a way to motivate them to complete the task, then how will they learn to find the inner will to do things as adults when there is no longer an enticing carrot being offered for cleaning their room?
As I tell my kids, do the job, task, homework sheet, test, etc., to the best of your ability with a cheerful heart. Sure, sometimes there will be a special treat after a particular thing has been accomplished. We did celebrate with ice cream when the end-of-the-year testing was completed at school, for example. But most of the time, we expect our children to do well without an outside reward, and sometimes, they surprise us with how well they do the task at hand (sometimes, we're not surprised when the job has to be redone because of haste!).
Use rewards as motivation sparingly, and you'll be helping your children to find their own inner motivation.
Until next time,
Sarah
Springtime can be a lovely time of year, and it can also
bring out the imp in our children when it comes to school work. I’ve noticed in
my own family that school work can take a nosedive this time of year, what with
the gorgeous weather calling kids to play and ditch homework. But what do you
do when your child refuses to do her homework or school work correctly, despite
her capability?
Many times, the problem gets lost in a flurry of
explanations, generally along the lines that she’s too bright and the work is
boring. However, part of life is learning to do even the boring things to the
best of our ability because—and this is the cold, hard truth—we all have to do
boring things throughout our lives.
To the problem at hand, a child won’t change unless she’s
the one who is concerned about her school work. Here’s my radical solution that
should get a child to do the work she’s capable of doing in a manner acceptable
to her teacher.
Step 1: Meet with
her teacher (without the child present) to get her on board. Tell the teacher
that you fully expect your child to get the grades she deserves based on her
actual work, not her potential. Say that you are fully prepared to have her
repeat her current grade if her work does not radically improve in the next two
months. Be prepared for the teacher to suggest ways you and your spouse can
“help” your child with her work. Be firm by saying that if your child isn’t
able to complete the work on her own, then she shouldn’t advance to the next
grade.
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Step 2: Kick her
out of the garden for at least two months. That involves stripping her room of
everything except her bed and some clothes (but not her favorites). Tell her
that if her grades on all her school work, including tests, in-school work, and
homework, do not improve within two months, she will repeat her current grade
next year. Tell her that she will be totally responsible for turning in all her
work as her teacher wants (legible, neat, answered correctly, on time, etc.),
and that you will not ask her about her school work. Her school work is hers
alone.
Step 3: Well,
there’s not really a step three, except that you must be prepared for tantrums,
even worse papers coming home, and an “I don't care” attitude, from your child.
Things generally get worse before they get better.
If your child is as smart as she seems to be, then her work
will improve 100%. If she doesn't think you're serious, then she'll find out
that her current grade isn't as fun the second time around. And for those who
gasp at such a harsh “sentence” of repeating a grade, remember that it's always
better to address these things in elementary school instead of high school, and
the way she was going, things were not going to improve on their own. If she
can't do the school work in her current grade, then she's obviously not ready
to advance.
Until next time,
Sarah
Many of us make New Year’s Resolutions, and with the start
of a fresh school year, I propose parents write some New School Year
Resolutions of their own. Here are a few New School Year Resolutions every
parent should have.
Resolution 1. I will
not complain about my children’s teachers. This means, you will speak well
of their teachers, not ill. That publicly and privately you will not disparage
their teachers, especially in front of them or within their hearing. By the
very position as a teacher in your child’s school, that person deserves your
respect.
Resolution 2. I will
take the teacher’s word over my child’s. This used to be commonplace in
American homes, that if a teacher said a child had misbehaved, the parent would
believe the teacher over any protestations from the child, knowing that a child
is an unreliable witness to situations in which he has a stake. Make it clear
from the outset that you will not tolerate misbehavior in the classroom and
that it’s your child’s responsibility to learn how to get along with any
“difficult” teachers, much as it is with any “wonderful” teachers.
Resolution 3.
Homework is the sole responsibility of my child. In other words, you as a
parent should not take the onus of getting homework done on your shoulders.
“But what if my child doesn’t do her homework?” you ask. That’s the teacher’s
responsibility to address. If the teacher gives a poor grade on uncompleted
homework, then your child will suffer the consequences. If the teacher makes
your child sit out recess to finish her homework in class, then your child will
suffer the consequences. The only responsibility you have as a parent in regard
to homework is to make sure your child has a place to do it. That’s it. Other
than that, leave the homework to the child. After all, as I tell my kids, I have already passed elementary school.
Resolution 4: I will
not bring homework, musical instruments or lunches to school when my child has
left them at home. It is the child’s responsibility to make sure he leaves
for school with all the things he needs that day. The parent who takes that
responsibility on herself of bringing a left-behind item to school later is not
helping her child learn that responsibility. It’s better to have a child figure
out how not to forget things early in life than later in life. Less stress on
the parent, too.
For our family, this week heralds the dawn of a new era with
all four kids in school full time for the first time. I’m sure there will be
missed lunches, forgotten worksheets and tired bodies at some point this year.
But I know that with practice, our kindergartener, first grader, fourth grader
and fifth grader will develop their own routines for handling school
assignments and will figure out how to get along with their teachers. After
all, school is but a preview of life, and the more responsibility we give our
children, the more opportunities they have to shine and grow.
Until next time,
Sarah
Q: What can we do
when our fourth grader forgets to take her homework, lunch, violin, etc., with
her to school? It used to not happen too often, but lately it seems that every
week, she’s getting on the bus without something. I’ve been driving the item to
school for her. How do I get her to remember what she needs each day for
school?
A: The quick answer is that you stop bringing whatever she’s
forgotten to school. Now I’ll answer your objections (because I’m almost
positive there will be objections to this dose of reality on such a tender
person).
First, ask yourself
whose things have been forgotten, yours or your daughter’s? Right, your
daughter’s. You’re not in fourth grade, so those are not your things left lying
on the kitchen table.
Second, if it’s
not your things, but your daughter’s, then who should have the responsibility of
remembering said items? Right again, your daughter. You can see where I’m
heading, can’t you?
Third, if it’s
your daughter’s responsibility to remember her school things, then how does
your bringing the forgotten item to school help her to take that
responsibility? Right for the third time: It doesn’t. It only reinforces that
she doesn’t have to remember because
mommy will bring the item to school if the daughter forgets.
Now, before you object that your little darling will starve
if you don’t bring her lunch, all public elementary schools will give a child
cold cereal if that child forgets her lunch and doesn’t have any money on her
lunch card. So rest assured that she will be fed.
For the other objection that I’m sure is flitting through
your mind, that she will fail in some way that day’s music lesson or project,
then I say, “So what?” Is it better for her to learn in elementary school—when the
stakes for forgetting something are much lower—to be responsible for her school
work or when she’s a senior in high school and that missed project could impact
her grade point average?
And yes, if any one of my children forget a project on the
day that it’s due, don’t remember their lunch or anything else school-related,
we are perfectly prepared to let said child experience the full, natural
consequences of that forgetfulness. Most of the time, all it will take is one
time, and you’ll be amazed at how quickly the child will become at remembering
everything needed for school.
See how easy it is to figure these things out with a little
commonsense and some clarity of thought?
Do you have a
parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah
through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.
Q. My five-year-old
daughter played hide and seek with a classmate rather than lining up after recess. The two of
them also went in through another door at the school. While I don’t know what
consequences happened at school, how should I punish her at home? This isn’t
the first time the two of them have made mischief together. On a side note,
when I talked to my daughter about this, she began yelling that I said she was
dumb, etc. What should I do?
A: I highly recommend leveling a memorable home punishment
to nip this behavior in the bud. Confine her to her room, which has only the
bare essentials (no toys), directly after school, and move up her bedtime to
right after supper. Each time you receive a negative report from school, simply
tell you daughter what the teacher said (as a statement, not a question), and
send her to her room.
Do not let her cloud the issue with her diversion tactics by
screaming about what your supposed name calling. Ignore the drama, and she’ll
eventually stop doing that as much. She’ll probably always have a certain
amount of dramatic outbursts throughout her life, but you’ll handle them better
if you realize she’s angry at the situation she caused. I’d recommend acquiring
a sense of humor when it comes to those dramatic statements.
Do you have a
parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah
through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.
Whether your kids are in public or private, it's that back-to-school time of year. Here are a few ways you can take full advantage of a kid-free home (at least for a few hours a day).
Review your work schedule. Now's the time to make sure you're working smart while the children are not at home. For example, schedule tasks that require more concentration first thing in the morning, to give you plenty of time to finish before the dismissal bell.
Watch time-wasters. Make sure you're not frittering away work time by spending too much time surfing the Internet or updating your FB status. If you need to use Facebook and Twitter for marketing purposes, set a timer and do the promotional stuff first, then check on what you're friends have been up to.
Begin holiday preparations now. I know it's only September, but if you want to have a less stressful fall holiday season, it's time to start planning. For example, if you celebrate Halloween or dress up for a fall festival, start planning for costumes now to avoid staying up past midnight on October 30 hunched over teh sewing machine. Think about what presents you have to buy and what homemade goodies you want to make. Jot down a timeline that will enable you to keep up with your work, home and family while not leaving all the holiday prep until the last minute.
Check your tax receipts. Now's the time to do a quick inventory of your tax situation. Do you have all tax-related receipts from January 1 in one place? Have you kept up with your mileage (if applicable)? If you donate used goods to charities, have you entered the information into It's Deductible? This is especially important if you traveled for business over the summer.
Think long-term. All those projects you put off because of vacations or other summer activities? Get out your calendar and see where you can fit those into your fall schedule.
These are just a few of the ways you can kick off the school year with a refreshed outlook for the fall. I'd love to hear what my readers are doing to keep on track in the fall.
Until next time,
Sarah
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