Barking Kids

Q: My 7-year-old daughter and 5-year-old son constantly argue and pick at each other. This has been going on for several months now! I do my best to leave them alone to work it out themselves, but the constant bickering is driving me crazy. What can I do to stop the sniping?

A: Read my book on sibling rivalry! Sorry, couldn’t resist a shameless plug (Ending Sibling Rivalry comes out in October).

Image courtesy of Liz Noffsinger/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Now on to your question. When you have sibling conflict in your house, it can feel nonstop at times. With school out, it might be a matter of too much togetherness. There’s a reason the old adage, “Familiarity breeds contempt,” is true.

Give your kids some time apart and that should help to alleviate the discord. Set time during the morning and afternoon when the children play separately for a half hour or so. Set a timer if you have to, but make sure they are in different areas of the house, or one inside, one outside.

Bickering has probably become a habit, so they might still do a lot of it when together, even if they’re not really fighting. Try the Ticket system to cut down on this. Give them three tickets together each day. Every time they bicker (and define clearly what you mean), they lose a ticket. When all tickets are gone, they spend the rest of the day in their rooms and go to bed directly after supper. It takes two to snipe, so both should receive the same punishment.

The combination of separating the kids and implementing a joint ticket system should lower the bickering in your household. You won’t eliminate it entirely because kids aren’t perfect, but you should be able to help them break the habit of the way they intereact.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

An Unruly Child

Q: Our 5-year-old son has been very defiant of late, and has taken to hitting, punching or kicking his siblings or us whenever he’s upset or angry. We’ve tried time-outs in his room, but he’s so angry that he has destroyed toys and other things in his room. He’s our middle child (three year old and eight year old). Now he’s started yelling that he hates us. What can we do to get our kind little boy back?

A. Ah, welcome to the world of defiance! One of my children (who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty) went through a similar phase around that age. However, that doesn’t mean his behavior isn’t unacceptable or that he can’t control himself. At this point, however, he doesn’t WANT to control himself because it’s much more satisfying for him to throw the household into chaos with his rants. Remember, too, that his words are not necessarily his real feelings, as I’m sure your reaction to him saying he hates you is partially fueling repeats of that particular phrase. So don’t take his rantings personally.

To help him change his behavior, I recommend a two-fold approach. First, institute Tickets. Give him four or five tickets per day that will be lost if he does one of up to three targeted behaviors (just focus on the top two or three misbehaviors for now). Then when he does one of the targeted behaviors, simply say in a calm voice, "That's a ticket," remove one ticket and go on with your day. When he loses all tickets, he’s confined to his room (with his toys removed) and put to bed directly after an early supper.

Second, spend one-on-one time with all of your children on as regular a basis as fits with your family. For example, in our family, my husband and I take turns taking one child out to breakfast every other week. The schedule is posted on the fridge and each child knows when his or her turn is coming up. This has helped calm things in our household and gives Mom and Dad a chance to connect  with each child without the distractions of the others.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.