Crib Transition Timing

Q: When should we move our 25-month-old from her crib to her toddler bed? We’re moving in May and in the midst of potty training.

A: She’s old enough now to make the transition, and it’s one that you should do well before your move. This will give her plenty of time to adjust to the new bed before she has to figure out her place in your new home.

One morning, dismantle her crib and put together her toddler bed. Let her help you make it and put all her favorite stuff animals and blankets on the bed. Be prepared for her not to stay in her bed, especially with the novelty that she can easily get in and out of it.

A good rule of thumb to follow is to let her play in her room in the dark as long as she’s not being loud and not coming out of the room. She’ll eventually learn to stay in her bed and fall asleep, while you’ll still have your evenings to spend with your husband.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

One on One Time

When other parents learn we have four children, their first response is usually along the lines of "How do you do it?" and the second is, "How do you find time for your kids?"

Both represent a misconception of how much parental time and outside activities children need. We're firm believers that children should--and are perfectly capable of--entertaining themselves. Therefore, from an early age, we provided a bit of direction and left them to their own devices. Yes, sometimes they express their boredom with the world, to which we point them in the direction of the chore jar.

But that's not to say we don't enjoy doing things for and with our kids. Time around a board game or at the zoo can be a wonderful time of fellowship and bonding as a family. Sometimes, though, kids do need some alone time with Mom or Dad. Here's our solution: Breakfast with Mom or Dad.

Here's how it works: I draw up a schedule in which every other Friday morning, one child goes to breakfast with Mom or Dad, who rotate through the children. That child gets to pick the restaurant and have some alone time with a parent before school.

Our four-year-old picked Chick-fil-A, and spent a wonderful time in the play area after breakfast. Our six-year-old loves Dunkin' Donuts, while our ten-year-old enjoys First Watch restaurant and our eight-year-old likes Denny's.

The conversation runs from comments on the upcoming school day to comments on favorite books or subjects. What we discuss isn't nearly as important as the one-on-one time spent with each child.

For us, breakfast works because everyone in the family loves the a.m. meal and everyone is around in the morning. My husband has enough flexibility to arrive to work a bit later those days and the kids get on the bus late enough to make breakfast work for us.

Some families do dessert or ice cream "dates," while others choose movies or park visits. Working something else into your schedule might seem daunting, but the payoff and the personal time is worth the effort. You could start out with once a month and go from there--just scheduling the dates shows how important you view your child, and the follow through with the outing can be priceless.

With January nearly over, you still have time to start a new family tradition of one-on-one time with your kids this year. You'll be glad you did.

Until next time,
Sarah

Should a Mother Be a Daughter’s BFF?

Q: Our teenage daughter calls my wife (her mother) her best friend. Our daughter has some trouble making and keeping friends (I think because she’s bossy and demanding). But hearing my wife referred to as my daughter’s best friend is a little strange to me. Her mother says to our daughter that she can’t be her best friend and mother, but I’m not sure she’s putting those words into practice. How should a mother view her relationship with her teenage daughter?

A: So many parents forget that the time for friendship is after the child has been fully emancipated from the home with her own job, apartment and full responsibility for bills and living expenses. During the teenage years, the parent should be more of a mentor and begin when the child reaches 13, to slowly move back from a more hands-on approach.

It sounds like your wife is moving into more of a friendship than a mentor relationship with your daughter. For your daughter’s sake, she should readjust to be more a mentor and not share as much as a friend would. Your daughter needs to have friends of her own, which she might not do as readily if her mother is fulfilling that role in her life.

Your part in all of this is to co-mentor with your wife. As the father, you need to be a mentoring parent. Your wife appears to have the head knowledge that she should not be her daughter’s best friend, but a gentle nudge reminder from you would probably be good. The time to be friends with your daughter will come, but until then, enjoy your time as a mentor.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Parent Watch

Whenever we go to the indoor playground at my local mall, I find myself watching the parents more than the kids. During a recent visit with my four-year-old son, I saw at least six different types of parents.

The Follower. This is the parent who hovers a step or two behind their child. The Follower is quick to help the child overcome any obstacle. This parent is quick to lift him to the top of the climbing structure rather than letting the child try to do it by himself.

The Documenter. This parent sticks close by the child with the intent to record the child’s every “accomplishment” no matter how minor. The click of a camera follows the child’s every move, like the child has her own entourage of paparazzi.

The Commentator. Similar to the Follower, this parent keeps up a running patter to accompany the child’s circuit of the play area. The one-sided conversation sounds like a radio sports broadcaster describing a game on the field: “Oh, you’re going to the train. What sound does a train make? Wooh, wooh. Are you a conductor or a passenger?”

The Player. This is the parent who gets down on his knees to play with his child. The Player interacts with the child constantly, doing ever sillier things and directing the child’s play, forgetting that the parent is not the child’s peer.

The Referee. This parent jumps in whenever there’s the tiniest conflict between her child and another. The Referee rarely allows the children to figure out things on their own. She orchestrates the makeup and will usually make the children play according to her rules.

The Relaxer. This parent sits on the sidelines, checking on her child every once in a while, but trusting that the child can solve his problems on his own. She prefers to let the kid do the playing, while she reads a book.

Which type of parent are you?

When Teen Plays Jekyll and Hyde, Parents Need to Get Mean

Q: Our 13-year-old son has become a brat to us and his younger sister. At school, he is a good student and gets along well with his teachers. At home, he’s horrible, misbehavior, talking back, etc. He can behave when he wants his privileges but nasty other times. His birthday is coming up and he wants it to be special. Help!

A: Unfortunately, your story is being replicated in many homes around the country, as we buy in to the notion that teenagers are moody, disrespectful beings who should be approached gingerly. This didn't used to be the case. A hundred years ago or so, teenagers were valued members of society, who contributed to their families in meaningful ways. But do not despair. There is hope that your teen can be a respectful, productive member of your family and community. So take heart—if he’s behaving at school, you must be doing something right.

Now for some practical advice. Consistency is the key to success in this area. Whenever your son is disrespectful, talks back, etc. (might help to make a list of behaviors to target and pick the top five to start with), at home, then he can either go to his room for an hour or he can refuse. If he does go to his room but does not stay quietly for a full hour, ignore him. The first time he refuses to serve his punishment, he loses his favorite weekend privilege (i.e., being with friends). The second refusal, he loses his second-favorite weekend privilege (i.e., having a friend over). The third refusal means he loses all weekend privileges and goes to bed at eight o’clock every night. The success depends on your consistent but calm enforcement. Only say, “That’s an hour in your room.” If he protests he didn’t hear you, shrug and say, “You’d better clean the wax out of your ears,” and commence with the weekend privilege takeaways.

This is called being “mean,” as in, you mean what you say. I’d rather be a mean parent any day of the week.

By the way, the above advice is adapted from John Rosemond’s Teen Proofing book, which I highly recommend as a good way to get on the right page for the future.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.