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Q: We introduced our three-year-old
daughter to television at an early age. We put limits on viewing time—currently,
30 minutes to an hour per day of something educational. However, she loves,
loves, loves TV and prefers watching it to anything else. Is this okay? Should
we wean her off of it, and if so, how?
A: Of course she loves it! What's better than doing nothing
and being “entertained” by flashing lights and quick-changing scenes? I would
pull the plug entirely right now, no exceptions, for at least six months. There
are so many other things she could be doing that is more beneficial to her
growing brain than staring at a screen, no matter how educational the
programming.
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But she will complain, and whine and beg and plead and throw
temper tantrums when you do (I’m sure this has already happened when you limit
her exposure). This will pass in a few days if you stick with it--and DON’T
replace TV screen time with electronic screen time of another sort (such as
computers, tablets, smartphones, etc.). Kick the entire screen habit cold
turkey with her.
Just simply tell her no TV and provide alternatives, such as
building blocks and cars and trucks, trains and tracks, stuffed animals, etc.
Any toy that doesn’t make it’s own noise is key--you want your daughter to
provide the “entertainment” value for the toys, not the other way around. You
will probably have to teach her how to play and expect a short attention span
to begin with--but with calm purpose, you can help her recover her natural
ability to entertain herself without electronics.
To give her a push in jumpstarting her imagination, build a
town for her dolls out of building blocks, talking about what you’re doing, as
in “Let’s make it big enough for Dolly to live in. Do you think she needs space
to take a rest?” Let her guide the play and redirect the building. After about
five minutes or so, she should be more engaged and then you can just sit there
and let her do the playing. With stuffed animals, you can start a conversation
between the owl and the lion about what to do that day. Ask your daughter what
you think they should do, then do different voices for the animals. She'll
probably start making sounds or voices herself with those or other animals.
In all activities, start the play, but then step aside and
become a passive observer as your daughter takes over. As the hold TV/screens
has had on her lessens, her brain will start to fire up on its own with
imaginative play.
For more on how screen time, even “educational” programs,
games, etc., re-wire children's brains, check out The Shallows by Nicholas Carr or The Big Disconnect by Teresa Barker and Catherine Steiner-Adair.
Q: My 9-year-old son
(a triplet) is in third grade (as is his sister and brother). Lately, his
grades have declined into Bs and Cs. All of his teachers say that his behavior
in class is the reason for the drop in grades, which is that he struggles to
stay focused on class work (they even mentioned the possibility that he might
have ADD). At a recent meeting with his teachers, we all agreed to work
together on his behavior: They will let me know if he isn’t meeting expectations
behavior-wise at school, while I will enforce consequences at home.
If he’s not
interested in something, he barely puts any effort into it and won’t stay on
task. He’s the same with chores as he is with school work. Two months ago, I
removed all video games but that has ceased to motivate him. Currently, I make
him study for 45 minutes to an hour each school night, but he only puts in
minimal effort. His teachers say he’s smart, and with focus, I think he could
get straight As. What suggestions do you have to motivate him to do better in
school?
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FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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A: The simple answer is that he won’t be motivated to do
better in school until he has a “reason” to do so. As you say, he's simply not
interested in doing what he is capable of doing. You don’t say what behaviors
he exhibits in school other than he seems unfocused on his work.
However, he won’t become motivated himself as long as you’re
“making” him study for 45 minutes to an hour each night. Why are you involved
so much in his homework? Until you give him complete control over his school
work and homework, he will not care one iota about it. He knows that you are
more concerned about his grades than he is.
Being in third grade means there’s plenty of time for him to
get himself in gear academically. But--and this is a huge but--you and his teachers have to be prepared to let him sink or
swim on his own.
Have a meeting with his teachers. Say you appreciate their
concern, but that you think--and they have backed you up on this by saying that
he’s capable of doing the work--your son needs complete ownership of his third-grade
work. State that you will no longer be making sure he does his homework, that
you expect the teachers to give him the grade his work deserves, and that you
are fully prepared for him to repeat third grade if his effort falls short of
the benchmark. Be prepared for shock and perhaps dismay, but stand firm. Also expect
that he might repeat third grade if he completely flubs the rest of the year.
Tell your son that you’re sorry for your over-involvement in
what is his domain—his school work—and that from now on, you are going to let
him handle his homework, projects, tests, etc. You will be available for any
questions, but his school work is his business and his alone. Add that you have
informed his teachers that you fully support whatever grade your son’s work
deserves, and that you also support his repeating third grade if his
performance at school doesn’t turn around.
Then stop talking about it. Let him tell you about his day,
but don’t ask about his homework, etc. (and this should encompass his siblings
as well--you don’t need to be involved in their school work or homework, either!).
When report cards come home, meet with each child individually to talk about
the grades in a FYI-type manner.
Remember, repeating third grade isn’t the end of the world,
especially since you are giving your son a lesson that will last a lifetime—that
he is responsible for his own actions, whether that be behavior or school work.
That’s a lesson worth learning on his own.
The blog’s author, Tim Elmore, posited that anger,
impatience, cynicism, resentment, criticism, ingratitude and disappointment are
all byproducts of feeling entitled. Here are some questions to ask to see if
you’re raising entitled children—and what to do to change the course.
- Are
your children (not toddlers!) angry most of the time?
- Are
your children impatient most of the time?
- Are
your children cynical most of the time?
- Are
your children resentful most of the time?
- Are
your children cynical most of the time?
- Are
your children ungrateful most of the time?
- Are
your children disappointment most of the time?
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FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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If you answered yes to one or more of those questions, then
you have entitled children. To change that, you must help them change their
attitude. Here are some tips on how to accomplish that.
Delay gratification.
Whenever possible, make your child wait for whatever it is he is dying to have
or do. For example, don’t give your child a snack 30 minutes before dinner just
because he’s starving. Waiting a half hour to eat isn’t going to kill him, but
it can strengthen his patience.
Ban complaining.
No one likes to be around someone who constantly complains, yet we allow our
children to whine about things all day long without correcting them. Start with
something small, like no complaining at the dinner table, then add other
topics. When you stop the grumbling in one zone, you’ll be surprised at how
much it will decrease in other areas.
Highlight blessings.
Most of us have more to be thankful for than we act like, so taking time as a
family to list those blessings is a great antidote to ungratefulness. One idea
is the Blessings Jar, where family members are encouraged to jot down ways for
which they are grateful and drop it in the jar. Once a week or so, the family
gathers to read the blessings.
Acknowledge, but
don’t wallow in, disappointments. We all suffer disappointments from time
to time, and so do our children. However, while we should commiserate with
them, we shouldn’t allow them to obsess about a disappointment. For example,
giving a hug and telling your teen that it is, indeed, a terrible thing that
she didn’t get the part in the play is a good thing for a parent to do. But
continually rehashing the disappointment and reliving that moment isn’t
healthy, so we need to help our kids deal with the hurt and move on with their
lives in a positive way.
These are just some of the ways to curb that sense of entitlement
in our kids that can creep up on all of us.
Until next time,
Sarah
The Scenario:
Your three-year-old child has suddenly become very difficult in the weeks after
you came home from the hospital with a new baby sister. He ignores your
commands, laughs when punished, and has had numerous potty “accidents.” You’re
wondering if the new sibling has created a three-year-old monster. Will his
behavior improve on its own or should you intervene now?
The Solution: The
birth of a sibling—as with any major event in a child’s life—can throw the
older child into a tizzy. Regressions are a typical response and will pass with
gentle encouragement and consistency on your part. First, don’t reassure him
with words but actions as to his place in the family. With everyone oohing and
aahing over the baby, he’s feeling a bit left out.
Start by setting aside some time just for him each day. Ask
for his help in sorting clothes. While you’re feeding the baby, sing some songs
with him or read him a story. As much as you can, ignore his attitude and work
on correcting his behaviors.
Remind him that he knows how to use the toilet but has
forgotten. Show him how to clean up after his “on purposes” and rinse out his
underwear. Be matter of fact but firm, and he should return to his usual self
in a few weeks.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available now. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
This is the last sneak peak at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which
is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
A child can become a sibling in several ways—through the
birth of a brother or sister, through the adoption of a baby or older child, or
through the remarriage of a parent to a spouse with children. However that
sibling comes along, the child’s world changes dramatically. Sometimes, the
transition is accompanied by resentment and misbehavior by the former
singleton, but parents can ease the transition from an only to a sibling.
In our home, we welcomed our second child when our firstborn
was twenty-two months old. Naomi, the older daughter, adjusted fairly well to
her new little sister, Leah—or so we thought until the day Naomi announced very
loudly that I needed to “put Leah down, just put her down,” accompanied by
vehement hand motions. That clued us in that Naomi wasn’t taking the addition
of a sibling as well as we had initially hoped.
However, that rather rocky beginning hasn’t meant an
escalation of hostilities between the pair. Rather, as we showed Naomi how to
interact with her sister—and as Leah grew older and more able to play with her
older sister—the two of them have become good friends as well as sisters,
despite occasional squabbles.
Remember, children are resilient beings, capable of
readjusting expectations to new circumstances fairly easily. With guidance,
parents can use that ability to swing the older children into acceptance and
love for their new siblings.
Read more about how to help an older child learn to accept
and love a new sibling in Ending Sibling
Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available now on Amazon.com, CBD.com
and Beacon Hill Press.
Q: Should boys be
allowed to play with toy guns of any sort? If so, can they point the gun at
each other and shoot someone else? Play dead when shot? What guidelines do you
recommend for teaching them how to play with toy guns? My sons keep asking for
them and I’m not sure how to respond.
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FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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A: If you have a boy, chances are pretty good that he’s
shot, stabbed, lasered or otherwise tried to kill you, the family dog, the
chair, or his younger sibling with some sort of weapon. Said weapon could be
anything from a finger, a stick, LEGOs or a stuffed animal. Frankly, I don’t
know how you prevent shooting and playing dead among children, especially boys,
even without an actual toy gun in a child’s hand.
We’re asking the wrong questions when we fret about whether
or not a toy gun of some sort will somehow be harmful to our kids. Instead, we
should focus on what’s going on in their own hearts when they play or interact
with others. Is the play mean-spirited or fun for all involved? A boy who
shoots his sister with his toy cap gun, for example, could be perfectly loving
toward her on most occasions, except when she’s the bank robber and he’s the
sheriff.
Video games and movies have more potential for desensitizing
kids to violence than playing with a toy gun. Rather than worrying about
whether they play with toy guns (or pretend to knife, slash or shoot others
with pretend weapons), we should concentrate on helping them treat others with
kindness and respect most of the time (because no one can be perfect all the
time!).
Our homes should have a general atmosphere of love and not
anger with siblings that respect and love one another most of the time. If our
focus is on the intangibles of our children’s relationships with each other,
then what toys they have won’t matter as much--because in the end, it’s not the
toy that causes the distress, it’s
the child who wields it.
There’s something about Christmas that is almost magical.
Maybe it’s the colder weather. Maybe it’s the bright lights and cheerful
holiday music. Maybe it’s the anticipation on the faces of every child you
meet.
But sometimes we as adults are like the children in the
Polar Express book, the ones who grow up a bit and don’t hear the sleigh bells
anymore. We’ve somehow lost the Christmas magic in the hustle and bustle of the
season. We’re too stressed with our long to-do lists that we miss the
simplicity of the season.
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FreeDigitalPhotos.net
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That “amnesia” of what Christmas used to mean to us can make
us short with our kids’ natural exuberance about presents and seeing family and
Santa. We forget that memories are made not with gifts but with time spent
together as a family. We eschew quietness for busyness, leaving little time for
reflection. We let our children’s zeal for the season to irritate us rather
than give us joy.
This Christmas, I challenge you to remember how much you
enjoyed the holidays as a child. Pick a favorite memory and hold it close as
you hear your children’s squeals of excitement, see them bouncing around the
house, and generally become nearly overwrought with anticipation.
Share your own Christmas memories with your children. Let
them share theirs, even though for most of them, they don’t have very many
Christmases from which to choose. Ask them what makes Christmas special—you might
be surprised at what they say. Pick several low-key things to do with your
family in the midst of the to-ing and fro-ing that’s part of the season.
Most of all, cherish your kids’ expressions of joy. There’s
nothing quite like the look on a child’s face when he opens a hoped-for gift.
Or the surprise on a child’s face when she receives something unexpected yet
welcome. Don’t wear yourself out so much that you can’t enjoy those moments.
Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect but you can have the best Christmas ever.
Until next time,
Sarah
My children are still in elementary school, so the talk
about the increase of sexual assaults on college campuses isn’t something I’m
overly concerned about as touching my children right now. However, that doesn’t
mean I’m not preparing my kids for the day when they might encounter such a
situation, either through a friend, acquaintance or personally. Of course, no
mother (or father!) wants to think her daughter or son would ever have to worry
about unwanted sexual advances, molestation or rape.
But we live in a world where such things are not outside the
realm of possibility. Rather than fearing what might happen, I’d rather focus
on what we can do to help our children be strong, compassionate and responsible
adults. The type of person who would speak up when seeing wrong or stand firm
when others are crumbling. That training should begin when our children are
young. Here’s what we’re teaching our children about being a good friend and
citizen—in short, becoming young adults who will be more apt to do the right
thing and not stand aside to let the wrong thing happen.
1. Teach them to
stick up for the weak. Even in elementary school, helping our children
develop a heart for those who are being picked on will strengthened their
desire to do the right thing, even when it’s the hardest option. So many times,
stories of sexual assault are peppered with tales of bystanders who did nothing
to help, either before, during or after such incidents. By helping our children
find the courage to speak up when they are young, we will instill in them the
will to continue on that path into adulthood.
2. Teach them to tell
the truth—no matter what. Sometimes, speaking up with the truth is harder
than telling a lie or staying silent. That’s true about playground scrapes and
it’s true about sexual assaults, especially when someone you like or admire is
involved. By stressing the need for truth to always be told—and by ensuring
that you encourage and model that in your home—you can help your children
realize that truth might be hard, but it’s always the best course of action.
3. Teach them to
treat everyone with respect. There are people in this world that we don’t
get along with—different personalities, different backgrounds, different
interests, etc. But we should strive to treat everyone we encounter with
respect. Helping our children internalize that character trait is essential to
their living a life of honor and of being good citizens. Having that respect at
the core of their being will help them recognize that everyone deserves to be
valued.
4. Teach them that
everyone is made in God’s image. This goes along with respecting all
people, but it digs deeper. When we realize that God has created all human
beings, that’s a powerful incentive to be kind to everyone we meet. It’s
essentially the backbone of all the other lessons we’re trying to teach because
respect, truth-telling, helping the weak—all stem from knowing that everyone we
encounter is a reflection of God.
5. Teach them of
their own worth. This goes hand-in-hand with everyone—including
themselves—being made in God’s image. Knowing who they are on the inside will
go a long way to helping them avoid potentially dangerous situations because of
a longing to be liked or to fit in with the right crowd. Also drill into them
that their bodies are their own, and that no one has the right to touch them in
a way that makes them uncomfortable. Add to that no one has the right to tell
them to keep quiet if something does happen. Having a sure sense of self can
prevent our kids from being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
6. Teach them that
love is more than sex. This starts with showing them what a good marriage
looks like by being affectionate with your spouse, by treating your husband or
wife with respect, by modeling what a good relationship between the sexes looks
like. It’s also helping them as they begin to express interest in the opposite
sex to understand infatuation and how that can lead to bad decisions. It’s
guiding them to recognizing potentially unsafe situations and giving them the
tools to avoid them. It’s helping them see that reporting any misconduct is
always better than saying nothing—and that you’ll be there to help them through
the process no matter what.
Of course, there are no guarantees that even if we teach our
kids these truths they will never stray off the right path, but we would be
remiss in our calling as parents if we didn’t do our best to teach them the way
of righteousness.
Until next time,
Sarah
The Scenario:
Your two daughters ages eight and six play together nicely, but when their two
cousins who are similar ages come over, it’s bedlam. Within half an hour, your
youngest will be crying over being excluded by her older sister from the games
or play. You constantly have to intervene to keep any semblance of peace. What
can you do?
The Solution: In
this case, ignoring the problem or letting the children figure it out
themselves is not likely to work. Things have gone on too far and their
“positions” have become so entrenched that they can’t change on their own. Nor
can you act as mediator—you’ve seen how successful that’s been!
Here’s a way to handle this. The next time the cousins are
scheduled to come over, have your sons draw straws or flip a coin to determine
which one of them will get to play with the cousins. The other child will stay
away from the cousins and get her turn next time it’s playtime with the
cousins.
You’ll likely have to do this for the next four or so times
the cousins are at your house before you can ask your two daughters if one of
them needs to play separately from the rest. This puts the onus of figuring out
how to get along on the shoulders if your daughters, where it belongs.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill
Press of Kansas City.
Ever notice that being trapped inside for several days
because of weather or sickness can unleash the worst behavior from our
children? While the family that plays together does indeed develop a deeper
relationship with each other, too much togetherness can breed undesirable
behaviors. Time away from other siblings can provide a much needed respite and
can prevent tensions from reaching the boiling point and exploding into
conflict.
Just as we parents need to ensure we spend time together as
a family, so we should encourage time apart. Everyone, from Mom and Dad on down
to the youngest child, needs alone time—the trick is finding the right balance
to avoid both smothering (too much togetherness) and becoming antisocial (too
much time alone).
It’s important to talk with our children about why time
alone is good for everyone, and that it shouldn’t always be viewed as a
punishment. We all feel so busy these days, overwhelmed by our lengthy and
never-ending to-do lists. Busyness has become a status symbol as we’re always
rushing around from one task to another, on the job twenty-four/seven. We fill
our lives with constant motion and tasks to be accomplished. Even Christians
fall into the trap of over-scheduling, over-doing and over-committing our time
and resources. Our children are not any different, with overpacked schedules
and constant motion, leaving little time for the business of being a kid.
Alone time has two components: knowing when to separate and
having a place to go to be by oneself. Therefore, to accomplishing the perfect
ratio of togetherness and separateness, parents should first figure out when a
separation is necessary. Part of this step is training offspring to recognize
their personal warning signs so that they can remove themselves from a
potentially explosive situation. Second, parents need to help children find
private space in the home for alone time. Coupled with privacy is assisting
their children to have their own identity within the family unit, another form
of separating.
Read more about both how to know when a volcano might erupt
and how to create space for the essential cool-down period in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, available now on Amazon.com, CBD.com
and Beacon Hill Press.
The Scenario: Two
of your three children seek opportunities to be alone with you, such as
volunteering to come with you on errands. But the middle child doesn’t speak up
for these spontaneous outings. You’re finding that you spend much less time
with him as a result. What should you do?
The Solution: Try
carving out a bit of daily interaction for just the two of you. Perhaps it’s
after dinner when the others are doing homework, or maybe right before bed you
visit with him to check in on how his day is going.
Make an effort to ask him to do something with you beyond
errands, such as cook dinner or sort socks. Those little opportunities should
help you to stay connected with him on a more day-to-day basis.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill
Press of Kansas City.
When other parents learn we have four children, their first
response is usually along the lines of “How do you juggle all those kids?” That
question is generally followed by another: “How do you find time for your
kids?” Both represent a misconception of how much parental time and outside
activities children need. We’re firm believers that children should—and are
perfectly capable of—entertaining themselves.
While we don’t give our kids too much attention on a daily
basis, we also do not neglect to spend individual time with them apart from the
family as a whole. In today’s ever busy, ever connected world, one-on-one time
with a parent becomes even more precious to a child.
This alone time forges a stronger bond of intimacy and love
between parent and child, nourishing the relationship. Many parents recognize
the importance of individual time with a child. In fact, seventy percent of
respondents to my informal sibling survey had regular one-on-one time with each
of their children.
Time spent alone with one child also underscores that we see
them as individuals, not as a collective “the kids.” We often lump our
offspring all together, such as “Kids, get in the car!” It’s great to be part
of a family, but sometimes, children need to know we see them as single
entities apart from the group. Also, having regular individual interaction will
create those precious memories for both of you. Group recollections are
wonderful, but it’s the personal touch that often brings the most pleasure to
us and our kids.
Plus, all kids, especially teenagers, need that bonding time
with parents, a chance to slow down and ease up on the throttle of life. Parents
have found that scheduled one-on-one time with their children keeps them
up-to-date with what’s going on in their lives. With individual time, you can
cater to each child’s personality and ability, which goes along with helping
parents not play favorites.
Remember, our time with them living at home is fleeting. We
have them twenty-four/seven for eighteen years, then they begin to spread their
wings and fly to new adventures outside of your home. Sure, we may get them
back occasionally, but we will never again have them at this age.
Read more about how to have one-on-one time with your
children in Ending Sibling Rivalry:
Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available now on Amazon.com, CBD.com
and Beacon Hill Press.
The Scenario:
Your preteen daughter and young teenage son get into the name-calling like no
one’s business. Idiot, stupid, you’ve heard them all. The name-calling
generally degenerates into a fight. How can you conquer this?
The Solution: You
can’t. Only the two of them can get a handle on this rivalry. One way to help
them figure out how to stop fighting so much is to designate a small space in
your home, such as a powder room, laundry room, or large closet, as the
“conference” room. When the arguing commences, direct them to take it to the
conference room for half an hour (set a timer). When the timer dings, ask them
if they’ve solved the problem. Most of the time, they probably have. If not,
then send them back in for another half hour.
This approach allows you to keep calm and them to discover
that they can solve their own problems and will likely fight less, given they
probably don’t want to spend thirty minutes in a small space with their sibling
every time they argue.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill
Press of Kansas City.
Have you ever looked at your kids fighting and seen an
opportunity for personal growth? Most parents don’t view tussles between their
offspring as anything but disruptive and damaging to the family. However,
teaching our children the proper and biblical way to handle conflict can
restore peace to our homes and set our kids on the path to relationship
success.
The temptation for parents is to skip the teaching part and
simply move to making peace themselves, but that harms children by focusing on
the why of the conflict and by taking the problem-solving part of the conflict
away from the children. What parents all too easily forget is that children,
because of their nature, disposition and age, are not civilized beings. That’s
something that needs to be taught to a child, such as when we teach them to say
“please” and “thank you.”
Some believe that children must be genetically disposed to
fighting—after all, they do it so well!—but fail to realize that kids are
equally equipped to make peace. That the ability to make up is essential to
their emotional and mental development is often overlooked by parents. We can’t
continually broker treaties between our children because then they don’t learn
to do it for themselves and our cease-fires don’t last as long. Peace made by
non-invested parties, i.e., parents, never sticks as well as harmony brought
about by the warring parties.
Thus when parents get too involved in their children’s
disputes, they rob the kids of a valuable learning experience. Yet it’s hard to
resist that involvement. Parents do have a role to play in sibling conflict
because parents shouldn’t leave the entire process to the children. Teaching
kids how to peacefully resolve conflict is as important as letting them figure
out the nitty-gritty details themselves.
Read more about how to teach your children conflict resolutions,
as well as how parents can stay out of the process, in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace,
available now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill
Press of Kansas City.
Parents often plan how many kids to have based on the number
of children they think they can handle. Sometimes, that number of influenced by
their own childhoods or by seeing how the children of relatives or friends
behave. What parents usually fail to consider is what a healthy relationship
with brothers and sisters gives a child. Hearing your children snipe at each
other, or remembering fights you had with your own siblings, might make you
forget the many blessings brothers and sisters can bring to your life and to
the lives of your children. Whether you have one brother or sister, or five,
being a sibling provides you with someone who “gets you” when the world doesn’t
and with someone to share the joys and burdens of life.
Almost from the time of our birth, we share with siblings
our most intimate thoughts, ideas, and dreams. Together, we explore,
collaborate, conspire, and protect. We goad each other to do good—and bad. We
play together, torment each other at times, counsel each other, and comfort one
another. For better or for worse, our brothers and sisters become a large part
of who we are.
Often those relationships outlast parents, spouses, and
friends. With brothers and sisters, you share a history—the good and the bad.
So far, it seems that the gist of sibling research focuses on how the children
interact with one another and with their parents. But what the studies haven’t
yet tackled in-depth is how siblings help each other in a variety of ways with
friendship being at the top.
If you look past the in-fighting, you’ll likely see some of
the secret—and not so hidden—blessings of having a brother or sister (or
both!). As you watch your own children interact, note the many ways they
support each other. Maybe an older sister helps her little brother tie his
shoelaces, or an older boy takes his sister’s hand without prompting to cross
the street. These small gestures done “undercover,” so to speak, show you more
of their hearts than anything else. Write a few of those down and look at the
list often, especially when sibling conflict heats up. It’s a good way to
remind yourself of the blessings of siblings.
Read more about why siblings can be blessings, both when
kids are young and when they are older in Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for now on
Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.
The Scenario:
Your two sons, ages eight and ten, usually get along just fine. But lately,
whenever you have to discipline one, the other tells you it’s not fair.
Sometimes, they’ve been so convincing that you’ve not addressed the problem.
You’ve explained and explained why they need to stay out of the disciplining of
their brother, but they won’t listen. What can you do?
The Solution:
Step one is to stop explaining. They’re not listening, and they’re not going to
listen or agree with your rationalization of why interfering is wrong. Step two
is to realize that you’ve given the boys reason to think you don’t mean what
you say. So they have come to the conclusion that if one interferes with a
punishment of the other, chances are good you’ll back down.
Step three is to do something to fix the problem once and
for all. The next time you’re about to punish one and the other interrupts to
plead his case that you’re “not being fair,” respond with: “You’re right. I’m
not. So now you both will receive the punishment since you interfered.” Then
follow through with punishing both of them. That will stop the interfering
soon.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill
Press of Kansas City.
“It’s not fair!” is one of the rallying cries of childhood.
At any given moment, somewhere in the world, a child is sure she’s not getting
a fair shake. You can’t blame kids for coveting fairness; after all, the
concept of fairness seems to be wired into our DNA:
Scientific research has discovered that our brains react to perceived inequity
the same way as when we respond to the things that disgust us. That ingrained
sense of fairness makes us hypersensitive to any slight or perceived
inequality.
Our children have fully internalized this and use nearly
every opportunity to invoke the “fairness doctrine.” These questions from our kids
ring out in practically every family as some point: “Why do I always have to do
this?” “Why does [sibling] get a pass and I get punished for the same thing?” “How
come [sibling’s] piece of cake is bigger?” Often these queries, delivered in an
aggrieved tone of voice, catch parents off guard and provoke angst as Mom and
Dad start worrying about whether or not they are treating their children
fairly.
That our children have absorbed a desire for fairness should
come as no surprise, especially when fairness is emphasized in school (as it
should be among peers). As they grow, kids accept that fairness has more
nuances. When a child says, “It’s not fair,” she doesn’t mean that in the true
sense of the word. It’s because at age six, she doesn’t get to stay up as late
as the ten-year-old sibling. Or at age eight, she has to do more chores than
her four-year-old brother.
It’s not just the kids who jump on the fair play
bandwagon—we often bend over backwards to treat our children fairly. More than
eight-six percent of parents participating in my sibling rivalry survey said
they try to treat their children fairly or equally.
Practicing the fairness doctrine doesn’t lead to generosity
and gentleness of spirit but to grumbling and hoarding. Among siblings, pursuit
of fairness as a parent can create conflict, frustration, and disappointment
because each child will be constantly assessing everything to make sure things
are distributed evenly. Even if you strive for fairness within your family,
your children will still find things to pout about, as in “He got more icing on
his piece of cake than I did” or “She got new shoes and I didn’t.”
Read more about some areas that parents often attempt to
play fair with their children and ways to correct this habit in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, available for now on Amazon.com, CBD.com
and Beacon Hill Press.
The Scenario: Your
two kids each insist that you are favoring the other. How can you convince them
you aren’t playing favorites?
The Solution: You
can’t. What you can do is examine your own motives for the decisions you make concerning
the kids. Are you thinking of them as individuals? Are you allowing your
feelings of frustration about behavior color your interactions with one or the
other? Are you comparing one with another on a frequent basis? Are you holding
up one sibling as the “good” example too often?
Spend some time reviewing your own actions and see if you
can pinpoint what might be convincing the children that you have a favorite.
If, after you correct any behaviors on your part that could be contributing to
their feelings, they still howl about favoritism, you can probably chalk it up
to the fact that kids love drama, and ignore the comments. Eventually, as you
work on keeping comparisons out of your home, they stop talking about
favoritism and realize that they’re both your “favorites.”
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
Over the next several Tuesdays, I’ll be giving readers a
sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids
From War to Peace, which is available in October, with permission of Beacon
Hill Press of Kansas City.
Parents have been picking favorites from among their
children since time began—to disastrous consequences. If you think children are
unaware of parental preferences, think again. Whether favored or unfavored,
children who know which they are never forget it.
The proliferation of biblical and literary examples show how
favoritism wrecks families and sibling interactions. Favoritism rarely has any
positive outcomes, and most such tales should be read as cautionary.
Whether we like it or not, all parents have compared their
children one time or another. The more we compare, the more we are likely to
develop a favorite among the children. While most of us would automatically
deny having a favorite, most kids would probably say their parents have a
preference for one child in the family. Sometimes, siblings work together to
use that favoritism to their collective advantage. I’ve seen this happen in
families, where the children will send the youngest child in to ask a favor of
Mom or Dad. Sometimes the parents acknowledge they can’t refuse the child
anything, and sometimes they will roll their eyes at the audacity of the
children to “work the system.”
While we might smile at the thought of kids using
“favoritism” to their advantage, playing favorites can tear the sibling fabric.
Long-term favoritism leads to resentment, envy, guilt, strife, and a host of
other problems, which impact both individuals and the family unit as a whole.
Patterns of favoritism can become ingrained in the family
fabric, but the fluidity of family life may help to balance out those
preferences. Favoritism can move from child to child, depending on situations
in which the family operates. For example, a child could lose favored status
because something she does displeases a parent, while a younger child could
move into to top spot because an older child leaves home.
Read more about what steps parents can take to largely avoid
favoritism in general in Ending Sibling
Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for now on
Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.
The Scenario:
Your six-year-old daughter doesn’t want to try anything because her older
siblings—a seven-year-old brother and an eight-year-old sister—excel at
everything they do. The older siblings receive numerous compliments for their
“amazing” abilities, particularly in sports. Now the six-year-old wants nothing
to do with physical activities. What can we do to encourage her participation?
The Solution:
Stop asking her. Counter-intuitive? Perhaps, but pushing her to do sports is likely
not to help the situation. Ask her—when her siblings are not around—what
activities she’d like to try. Then see if there’s a class or group in which
she, and she alone, could become involved. Don’t allow her siblings to attend
the class or group; let her have this all to herself.
Then to lower competition in your home, don’t talk so much
in a family setting about how well the older sibs are doing. Ask different
questions about their sports that change the focus from them to someone else,
such as “Who did you think played well today?”
Also make sure you’re not contributing to the competitive
atmosphere by praising your older children too much. This should help your
younger daughter find her own special place and also help your older children
realize it’s not all about them and their “amazing” abilities.
Excerpted from Ending
Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available in October. Posted with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.
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