skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Q: I have two
children ages 7 and 9, in the first and third grade, respectively. We haven’t
given them allowance yet, but would like to start. How do we decide how much
and when? Should it be tied to chores?
A: Your children are old enough for an allowance. In our
household, we start allowances at the beginning of first grade, after they’ve
had some instruction in money. We also raise the allowance at the start of
every school year.
How much depends on a number of factors: how much disposable
income you have and what you want your kids to do with the money. If this is
for a teenager, I’d recommend a higher allowance; for a first grader, a dollar
or less a week should suffice. Some financial experts say you should give your
child a dollar a week times their age (7 years old = $7 weekly), but I think
that might be too much for an elementary-school age child.
We start the allowance at 50 cents a week, then raise it a
quarter each year. So my fourth grader receives $1.25, while my third grader
gets $1. The kindergartner and preschooler have no allowance yet.
Don’t tie the allowance to chores—chores are what the child
does because he’s part of the family. You don’t get paid for your chores, and
neither should he.
But don’t just give the allowance to your child. You should
require a few things of him.
- Give
the allowance on the same day each week (like Saturday, for example).
- The
child cannot borrow against next week’s allowance—you are not a bank or a
credit card.
- Require
your child to save some of the allowance and give some away each week.
Having an allowance is a great way to help your child gain
an understanding about money, one you can build upon as the child grows older
and the allowance grows larger.
Do you have a
parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah
through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.
I was popular as a child, not for my sparkling personality,
but because I was the proud possessor of a real tree swing. Now I know what
you’re thinking: other kids in the neighborhood had swings or tires from tree
branches. Ah, but no one else had a tree swing attached to a tree that had a
fork from which four trunks extended to the sky, thus creating the perfect
place from which to climb up and jump out of to gain maximum velocity.
Yes, this simple piece of wood with a rope inserted through
a hole in the middle was, quite simply, paradise. Thirty years later, I can
still remember the thrill of standing in the crook of the tree, board between
my legs, hands on the rough rope, and then the jump back and up to catapult
myself out of the tree and the glorious sensation of flying through the air.
Surprisingly, no one every got seriously hurt from the tree
swing—and we played on it a lot. Even when the rope snapped once on the
backswing and my friend fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes, she only
experience some scratches. Once my dad replaced rope, we were back in business. That tree is long gone in my parents' back yard, and none of our trees have branches low enough to set up a tree swing for our children.
Nowadays, we parents are more fearful that our children will
get hurt doing most anything. Schools have rules about how high the playground
equipment can be (and most have not the see-saws and soaring jungle gyms of my
childhood). Parents encase children in all manner of knee and elbow pads and
helmets for the simplest things. Yes, I’m a proponent of helmets for bike
riding—but not for riding tricycles down the sidewalk.
I’m sad that there are no climb-worthy trees in our yard or
neighborhood. I used to climb to the top of many trees in my neighborhood with
my friends, loving the thrill of looking down on earth from a bird’s eye view.
Unfortunately, today’s child has not the experience with
exploring “danger” like I and many of my contemporaries did. It was never truly
dangerous, but there was that sense that we were conquering the world or
something pretty close to it. We tested ourselves and saw that we could
overcome our own fears in a myriad of ways as we climbed and soared.
For my kids, I encourage exploration and danger, in the
sense that we give them freedom to try things that sometimes makes me a little
bit uncomfortable. Not really dangerous, but just a little bit danger-filled so
they can test their own mettle—and learn something about themselves in the
process.
Until next time,
Sarah
Q: What are manners
my children should know? My husband doesn’t think we should teach any manners,
and my mother thinks we should teach a lot of manners. I’m looking for the
middle ground. My three kids are between the ages of 7 and 12.
A: The March issue of Practical Parenting tackles the
question of why manners are important for children (and adults), so I won’t
reiterate those reasons here. (To subscribe to the free, monthly e-newsletter,
click on the newsletter tab.)
As for which manners all children should master, here’s a
short list:
- Table
manners: chewing with your mouth closed, waiting for everyone to finish
eating before leaving the table, and no elbows on the table are among the
things that relate to having good table manners.
- Meeting
people manners: looking adults in the eye when addressed, shaking hands,
and replying politely to greetings are some of the things necessary to
talking with adults.
- Phone
manners: saying “Hello, Hamaker residence, this is Sarah speaking,” when
answering the phone conveys this is a civilized household. Also teach how
to take messages.
- Conversation
manners: Not interrupting, waiting patiently while adults converse, and
answering when spoken to are just some of the way we should behave in
public.
This is not an inclusive list, as there are more manners
that need to taught by example and explicit instruction. But it doesn’t have to
be boring. We often review table manners while eating dinner or at a
restaurant.
Manners are a way of treating family, friends, neighbors and
strangers in a courteous, polite way—and well worth the effort it takes to
instill them in our children.
Do you have a
parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah
through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.
What are five of the most underused words in the English
language from parents? Hint: This phrase used to be commonplace, but has fallen
out of favor—and use—in the recent decades.
“Go away. You’re bothering me.”
For some reason, these words cause modern parents to shudder
and blanch, as if the words themselves could cause nuclear disaster if used
within ear shot of their little darlings. I think that’s because we’ve lost
focus as parents as to what our role is in relation to our children.
Our primary role is not to be parents, but to be a husband
or wife. The marriage should be the center of the family, not the child. To
help our children realize that, we must ignore them most of the time.
That’s where, “Go away. You’re bothering me” comes into
play. It’s a reminder to them that they need to be about the business of doing
their kid-thing while you do your grown-up thing. It’s a reminder that you are
not their playmate. It’s a reminder that you are not there to entertain them.
It’s a reminder that their job is to find something to do that doesn’t involve
you.
Most of the time, your kids are underfoot because they are
bored. Sometimes, it’s because they have simply gotten used to someone
else—probably you—directing their play. They will find something to do if you
ignore them and if they don’t, send them to their room.
But many parents are not comfortable with telling their kids
that they are bothering them. Parents see those words as tantamount to saying
they don’t love their children or that their children are not important to
their parents.
That way of thinking shows just how far we have moved as a
society from what previous generations intuitively knew: that kids were better
off when they were not bothering adults. We’ve forgotten that children thrive when
they are ignored by adults (seriously, don’t you remember finding out more about
yourself when left alone for long periods of time?).
So I encourage you to start a revival in your own home of
the phrase, “Go away. You’re bothering me.” You might be surprised by how
effective those words can be—and how your kids will begin to figure out more things
on their own.
Until next time,
Sarah
Q: My 15-year-old
daughter doesn’t want to attend religious services with us any longer. She
throws such a big fit every Sunday morning that we’ve caved on occasion and let her
stay home. Should we continue to make her go or leave her at home?
A: I remember not wanting to attend church with my family as
a teenager, but knew better than to protest outwardly. It was understood that
unless you were truly sick—and my mother had strict definitions of what
constituted sickness—you were going to church, no ifs, ands or buts about it.
The answer depends on how strongly you feel about church
attendance. In our household, our faith is an integral part of our home life,
and therefore going to worship on Sundays is a non-negotiable. If you feel that
going with the family is important, then you need to make that clear to your
daughter—and be prepared to follow up with consequences if she refuses.
In that case, I recommend invoking the Godfather Principle:
Make her an offer she can’t refuse. For example, say you inform her on Saturday
that attendance at church is expected the next morning. On Sunday, everyone’s
ready for church but your daughter, who informs you she has no intention of
going. You don’t want to be late, so you shrug and leave her at home, seemingly
victorious in her defiance.
Nothing more is said on the matter until Thursday, she comes
to you bubbling over with plans for a Friday night movie-and-sleepover at her
BFF’s house. The conversation should go something like this:
Daughter: “Mom, my BFF is having a
sleepover on Friday night! It’s going to be awesome.”
You: “It does sound like it will be
fun.”
Daughter: “We’re watching all of
the Twilight movies and staying up all night. Her mom is going to make pizzas
for us.”
You: “I’m sorry you’ll miss that.”
Daughter, puzzled: “But there’s
nothing on the family calendar for that night—I checked.”
You: “That’s right, there’s no
family conflict.”
Daughter: “Then I can go?”
You, with a sorrowful expression:
“I’m afraid not.”
Daughter, increasingly upset: “But
why not?”
You: “Because you didn’t go to
church with us last Sunday.”
Daughter, spluttering: “You, you
can’t do that!”
You: “I’m sure you’ll have just as
much fun home watching Star Wars with
your brother.”
Then you walk away, leaving your
daughter to stew in her own juices.
If she’s smart, this will be the only time you’ll have
trouble getting her to church on Sunday morning. On the other hand, some kids
learn things the hard way. Oh, and the title is borrowed from a Johnny Cash song, just in case you wondered.
Do you have a
parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah
through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.
The second in an
occasional blog post on classic books that provide insights into parenting.
I first encountered Jane Eyre as an eighth-grader, and
promptly fell in love with the heroine. Who wouldn’t love a girl who overcame
adversity to become a governess, and then followed her conscious instead of her
heart when faced with such a test?
Throughout the years, I’ve revisited Jane and found her to
be as delightful and thought-provoking as ever. When a new film version of Jane
Eyre came out in 2011, I wrote an article about Jane entitled “ The
Enduring Legacy of Jane Eyre.”
But I never thought about what Charlotte Bronte in Jane Eyre said about parenting until
recently. To me, the most striking thing is Bronte’s eye for how terrible a
spoiled child can be.
In the first chapter, we meet 10-year-old Jane, who has been
excluded from the company of her widowed aunt, Mrs. Reed, and her cousins,
Eliza, John and Georgiana. Jane, happy to be on her own, finds a solace in
books and retreats to a secluded window seat.
It is there that John, a lad of 14, finds her, and we’re
treated to this description: “He gorged himself habitually at table, which made
him bilious, and gave him a dim and bleared eye and flabby cheeks. … Mr. Miles,
the [school]master, affirmed that he would do very well if he had fewer cakes
and sweetmeats sent him from home, but the mother’s heart turned form an
opinion so harsh.”
We quickly learn that John has “not much affection for his
mother and sisters” and “Mrs. Reed was blind and deaf on the subject” of his
abuse of Jane and the servants. Jane is banished to Lowood and then finds a governess
position at Thornwood Hall. Jane returns to Mrs. Reed, when the latter is on
her deathbed, and hears of how tormented the woman has been over her son’s
behavior (John has recently died). “Oh, I wish he would cease tormenting me
with letters for money! I have no more money to give him: we are getting poor.”
From Mrs. Reed, we learn how terrible it is to spoil a
child. There are several reasons for why the sentence brought upon the parents
and the child is so awful:
- A
selfish, spoiled child has no regard for others, parent or siblings, only
himself.
- A
selfish, spoiled child cannot learn from others because of his own high
regard for himself and his well being.
- A
selfish, spoiled child will drive away friends and family with his
behavior.
- A
selfish, spoiled child will have no regard for his parents, and will
always expect to be supported and catered to by his family.
Mrs. Reed could have avoided her fate, abandoned by her son,
brought to financial ruin by her son, if she had avoided overprotection and overindulgence
when dealing with her son as a child. By turning his attention away from
himself, by teaching him how to exercise self control, she would have helped
him grow up to be a responsible and resilient child.
But the sad result of her neglect of his proper upbringing
brought ruin to herself and her daughters, as well as heartache, which
eventually killed her.
So we need to take care that as parents we avoid creating
little selfish monsters in our children and focus instead of character traits
that matter most.
Until next time,
Sarah
I just found out that my story, "Twins," will be included in Chicken Soup for the Soul: Inspiration for Writers, out May 21. Very excited to tell my story about the simultaneous birth of my first book, Hired at Home, and my fourth baby.
Look for it in bookstores!
Until next time,
Sarah
Q: My high school
senior wants to go with some of his friends over spring break to Florida. My husband says because he’s a good kid
(no trouble with drugs/alcohol/smoking, kept up his grades), he’s inclined to
let him go. I’m more concerned with what the other kids will do and that our
son will get sucked into participating in something he shouldn’t. What should
we do?
A: If your son wanted to go to an unstable country, like Iraq,
would you let him? Sending a high school senior, no matter the gender or “goodness
quality,” over spring break to Florida
is like sending him into a war zone. Florida during spring break is a veritable cauldron of excess: drinking, sex, drugs, etc. It’s difficult to
think how any teenager could resist the numerous temptations that will present themselves
to him over the course of a week.
However, there’s more than one way to skin a cat—or in this
case, to solve this problem. Suggest to him that the entire family head down to
whichever beach town his friends will be. He can spend the day with his friends,
but with the family for dinner and the evening hours.
While this is a win-win situation for both of you, he might
decide not to go by himself. In which case, you’ll spend a relaxing spring break
at home.
Do you have a
parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah
through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.
I’ve never met a container I couldn’t use for something else
after its original purpose was completed. Probably comes from having parents
who grew up during the Depression and thus had a “waste not” mentality, but it
has come in handy over the years.
Now some of you might be wondering what a parenting blog has
to do with recycling containers, and I’ll tell you: Reusing containers are a
great way to teach about not being wasteful, about using what you have, about
finding unique ways to be careful with our possessions, and about taking care
of the environment through recycling.
So here are some ideas about repurposing containers in your
home. (And yes, we do shop at Costco a lot!).
Costco-sized animal cracker containers with lids
- These
are great for storing small toys, like trains, trucks and those ubiquitous
fast-food toys.
- Also
handy when you need a to-go toy container. Each of our boys gets one to
pack with toys for camping and other trips.
Costco-sized nut or chocolate-covered raison containers with
lids
- These
are the perfect size for storing crayons, colored pencils, markers and
other art supplies.
- Also
great for storing batteries
- Homemade
instant oatmeal (great size for easy handling by kids)
Baby food jars (glass) with lids
- These
are wonderful for organizing your tools. Nails, screws and other small
things are easily kept in these jars.
Yogurt containers
- Small
ones can be used as seed starters for your summer vegetable or flower
gardens.
- Larger
ones with reusable lids can have a second life as leftover holders,
especially good for freezing soups and sauces.
Plastic beverage bottles, all sizes
- 2-liter
soda bottles can be turned into rain gauges.
- Smaller
sizes can be used to take homemade salad dressing on the go.
Glass Mason jars with lids
- Okay,
I think these are some of my favorite storage containers. I use them to
store rice, dried beans, carob powder, homemade granola, etc.
- Also
great for all sorts of nonfood things. You can find a host of ideas to use
these as gifts, too.
These are just some of the containers we reuse in our house.
If you’ve reused a container of any sort for a purpose different than what it
was originally created for, leave a comment on the blog—we’ll all benefit from
learning new ways to use old things!
Until next time,
Sarah
|
