When a Pet Dies

Q: Our dog, which has been with us since our oldest child was a baby, got really sick and had to be put to sleep. Naturally, both kids (ages 6 and 8) were upset by Blackie’s illness and death, as were my husband and me. I’m not sure we handled their questions about what happened. What information should they have been told about Blackie?

A: We had a similar situation a few years ago in our house, when our kids were around 4 and 6. One of our cats was sick and, after the vet couldn’t find anything wrong except that she was dying, we choose to have her put to sleep. We told the girls that Jet had gotten sick and died, knowing the concept of putting her to sleep would be difficult to understand at that age. We answered their questions with short replies targeted at what they asked.

When tackling any questions about serious illness and/or death, I try to follow these guidelines.

1. Answer the question asked. Nothing is more frustrating for kids than adults who answer the question they think was asked rather than the one actually voiced. If you’re not sure you know what is being asked, clarify first and then answer.
2. Keep your answers short. Most kids don’t need a lot of details, so keep your replies short with the basic facts. They’ll ask follow up questions if they want more information.
3. Dole out information on a need-to-know basis. Some kids will ask question after question in a quest for more data on any subject, but you should be willing to cut them off after they’ve received all the information they need to know on that particular topic.
4. Know when to stop talking about the subject. Sometimes, children will worry a topic to death. If you see a subject becoming an obsession (like with constant questions or numerous expressions of fears or concerns), then you need to simply tell the child that the topic is closed for now. This doesn’t mean your child will never ask you another question, but it can help the child move on from a topic that could become a source of worry or feeding of a fear that needs to be excised instead of fed.
5. Reassure your child but don’t make promises you can’t keep. When faced with the serious illness or death of a loved one (be it animal or human), most kids want to be reassured beyond what we as parents can promise (i.e., that we’ll never get sick or die, etc.). It’s best to remind them of your love for them and the care of their family.

The death of a pet can be a wonderful way to help your children learn about fragility of life and the finality of death. That’s not a bad thing, and it can be quite a good thing, especially for those of us who have faith.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Summertime Boo-boos

Several years ago, I saw an elementary school age girl on her scooter decked out in knee pads, elbow pads and a helmet. My immediate reaction was how stifling to have to wear all that equipment for a simple ride down a straight sidewalk with no hills or turns. Needless to say, my kids ride their scooters without that safety equipment, but they do wear helmets when riding their bikes (I’m not totally against all forms of safety!).

Now with warmer temperatures tugging the kids outside, the tension between parents wanting to protect our children from hurt and the inevitable scrapes, bruises, bloody knees and bee stings mounts to the point where we often prevent our children from experiencing discomfort.

More and more evidence is finding that the more we wrap kids in cotton wool to avoid physical—and emotional—pain, the more harm we’re doing. Specifically, we’re arresting the development of their ability to cope with failure.

Several years ago, an article in Psychology Today questioned whether we were raising a nation of wimps. The story pointed out that playgrounds have all-rubber cushioned surfaces with no merry-go-rounds with parents play-coaching their children on the equipment; hand sanitizers accompany kids everywhere, even to school; and more parents are trying to eliminate failure from their children’s lives.

The result? Kids who lack coping mechanisms for all types of pain, both physical and mental/emotional. “We learn through experience and we learn through bad experiences. Through failure, we learn how to cope,” said child psychologist David Elkind, a Tufts University professor.

One way we can let our kids experience failure is by letting them literally fall down. Seriously, a few skinned knees won’t hurt a child, nor will a broken arm or leg. Sure it will be painful and inconvenient, but it can also be the best learning experience of their young lives.

I’m not advocating letting your kids do truly dangerous things, but there’s a wide line between dangerous and Dangerous with a capital D. The latter should be avoided, but the former is instrumental in childhood. How else will a child find out how far he can push himself if he’s restricted to very narrow play parameters?

So as summer gets underway, remember that skinned knees are an important part of your child’s foundation—and that allowing him to experience failure will help him soar in later life.

Until next time,

Sarah

Should You Force Sports?

Q: My 8-year-old son played t-ball for three years before we switched him to coach-pitch baseball. He loved t-ball, but repeatedly asked us not to make him play coach-pitch baseball. We signed him up because we thought he might like it and that he needed the exercise, as he tends to be a homebody. He’s miserable, but the season’s not even halfway over. What should we do?

A: The short answer is let him quit. You pushed this on him, so you should let him stop. If he had begged to do it and then wanted to quit, I’d say he should finish the season. But since you insisted despite his protests—and he hates it—let him off the hook.

Now to address your concern about his exercise or lack of movement. There are easier ways to get him moving, so maybe you should leave off organized sports for a while.

Just kick him outside. If he wants to read a book on the front porch, that’s fine. I’ve found that kids will get moving if faced with the opportunity, so getting him out of the house should be step number one.

Step number two is to provide him with the tools of a good outdoor experience. A scooter, bike, outdoor playset and games should do the trick. Chalk and a bouncy ball would work, too. Doesn’t have to be elaborate as their imagination will supply the necessary fun.

You can also tell him to run around the house a few times or take a walk down the block. At 8, he’s old enough to branch out from your house on his own, provided you live in a safe neighborhood (and let’s face it, most of us do).

If you need to, set a kitchen timer for half hour or so, to encourage outdoor activity. With enough opportunity, he’ll eventually want to be outside more than inside.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

The Creativity of Boredom

With summer right around the corner, parents will soon hear cries of “I’m bored” from their children. But is being bored such a terrible thing?

Boredom is a relatively new thing, as children of previous centuries had not free time in which to be bored. In fact, if a medieval times child had displayed boredom symptoms, the person would be charged with committing “acedia, a ‘dangerous form of spiritual alienation’—a devaluing of the world and its creator.” Acedia was labeled as sin, what with all the things a family had to do for mere survival during that time period.

With the many labor-saving devices of our American households, most U.S. children have the luxury of free time, which they tend to fill with electronics. However, that constant stream of electronic stimuli has breed a new boredom epidemic, one that’s fueled by an ever-growing need of kids for constant electronic amusement, from video games to television and movies to Angry Birds to iPads and computers.

Parents are partly to blame for this new, negative form of a numbed mind because of their lack of tolerance for any whining from their children. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen toddlers in a grocery cart, their eyes fixed on the screen of their mom’s smartphone, oblivious to the world around them. At the first peep from a young child at the doctor’s office, out comes the smartphone and into the little hands goes the electronic babysitter.

Of course, we as parents are no different, are we? We numb our own minds with electronic stimuli all day long, from constant Facebook and Twitter checks, to texting while walking, driving, sitting at a traffic light, at the table, at the store, etc. It’s starting to be the exception when you see a grown-up in public who’s not tethered to a phone or tablet (that would be me!).

When our kids see us always being “entertained” and plugged in with electronic devices, it’s no wonder they beg for the same pacifier. We’ve forgotten how important the right kind of boredom can be to stimulate creativity and spurts of pure fun and genius.

There’s “an important distinction between a constructively bored mind and a negatively numbed mind. Constructively bored kids eventually turn to a book or build a fort or pull out the paints … and create or come home sweaty from a game of neighborhood basketball,” writes Richard Louv in his excellent call for kids to be outdoors, Last Child in the Woods.

This summer, I challenge you to unplug your kids for a week. No TV, no video games, no movies, no smartphones or computers or tablets. Just them and their world. Sure, the first day will be spent with them saying they have nothing to do, but if you persevere and don’t give in, soon they will find their imaginations again, and that will be a beautiful thing.

For non-electronic ideas, check out my ebook Boredom Busters. Only 99 cents on Kindle and iPad, Nook and other devices.

Until next time,

Sarah

(All quotes from Last Child in the Woods by Richard Louv, pages 166 to 168.)

Partying Like a Graduate

Q: My high school senior wants to go to a party after graduation. The location will be a classmates house, but I’ve been unable to receive satisfactory answers as to whether the parents will be home. I know she wants to celebrate with her friends, but after reading so much about alcohol being at high school graduation parties, I’m a little leery. I trust my daughter, but it’s the other kids I’m worried about.

A: I have the perfect solution, one guaranteed to ease your mind. Call up the classmate’s parents and offer your services as a chaperone and nonalcoholic barkeep. They’ll probably be thrilled to have another pair of hands on deck to help with setup and monitoring the crowd.

However, if they respond with no thanks, they’ve got it covered, then tell your daughter she may attend with the caveat that you’ll be popping by during the evening. She may be on the cusp of adulthood, but you’re still the parent and you want to be available in case she gets into a situation that’s out of her control.

So ease up and let her spread her wings a bit on her own, but do drop by and check on things. And if you do find alcohol there, take your daughter, leave and phone the police. You might lose some friends over that call, but you certainly don’t want any alcohol-related car crashes on your conscience.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Talk is Cheap

If ever there was a parenting myth that has gained prominence in today’s child rearing culture, it’s the one that says you can reason your child into proper behavior. I have a hard time keeping a straight face when I hear that one.

The cold, hard reality is that you cannot talk a child into behaving properly. Period. No, ifs, ands or buts about it.

Why, you ask? Because children are not logical beings. Their brains are not wired like ours and won’t be until they reach adulthood. Therefore, kids think very differently than we do. If you ask a kid why she did something you think is rather strange, you’ll find the answer will likely be even stranger. It won’t make sense to anyone but that child (or maybe another kid).

So when I hear parents talk about reasoning with their child to elicit good behavior, my immediate reaction is: And how’s that going for you?

Most of the time, it’s not going well. The adult expresses frustration at the lack of cooperation from the child, even after the parent has explained in great detail exactly why the room needs cleaning now instead of later.

To avoid pulling out your hair, my advice is simply to stop trying. Just don’t explain, reason or try to talk your child into obedience. It won’t work because our explanations are never going satisfy them. The child is never going to say, “Well, when you put it that way, Mom, of course I understand what you’re saying and will be happy to do what you asked.”

What you can do instead is to give clear, precise instructions in an economy of words and act like you expect to be obeyed. Why torture yourself with wanting agreement when that agreement is not going to come until the child is an adult herself and has children of her own? Then—and only then—you just might get the response you’re looking for from your preteen. But until that day, you might as well save your breath for talking to your spouse.

Until next time,

Sarah

Racy Photos

Q: I recently confiscated my teenager’s phone for another infraction and discovered photographs of a graphic, sexual nature. I’m unsure whether my son sent this to someone or had the photos sent to him, or simply downloaded them from the Internet.

I’m not sure what to do. On the one hand, I respect his privacy. But on the other hand, I don’t think this is right. He’s a 15-year-old freshman, and has been struggling to fit in at school.

A: It sounds like you’d better step in sooner rather than later before your son winds up in court on pornography charges (as has been reported as happening to other teens in the news recently). This is serious stuff, and you don’t want your son to face serious consequences.

It’s time to have a frank talk with him, preferably with both parents. Don’t mince words that this is very serious, and can have far-reaching consequences. Talk about how he’s breaking the law to have such images on his phone, computer, whatever. Also stress that if he sends such images to any of his friends, he is breaking the law and could be prosecuted. Find some recent examples (you won’t have to look too far) and share those with him.

At the end of the talk, tell him that he has lost all phone privileges for at least six months, and that you’re trading in his phone for a low-end model that doesn’t allow photo-taking or sharing. You might have to do some digging, but I’m sure you can find a stripped down phone, if he must have a cell phone. I’d be inclined to nix the phone entirely.

Then remind him that you will be spot checking his computer and/or tablet usage to monitor that he’s not viewing or downloading pornography. You cannot overemphasize the seriousness of this, although you might want to break the talk down into smaller chunks to avoid his tuning you out.

You want to help your son learn how to make good choices, but ultimately, he’s the one who has to decide what those choices are. All you can do is limit his liability while he’s living under your roof and pray that what you say and do will have a positive impact on his life.

I’m including a link to an article I wrote on digital dating abuse that shows how sending sexual images can predict physical and sexual abuse. It’s important that parents realize these types of photographs are not innocent fun or boys being boys.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

The Victory of Failure

What do I mean by the title of this blog, that failure can be a victory? Simply this: Children need to experience pain and discomfort in order to properly negotiate life.

Often, parents try to minimize the amount of pain and frustration in their children’s lives because it makes kids unhappy. But children who don’t learn how to handle pain and disappointment are the ones who grow up to become young adults who often fail to launch after college (or who drop out of college without finishing their degree) because they don’t know how to handle failure.

I recently read How Children Succeed by Paul Tough, who explored why some kids excel and others don’t. Part of the reason boils down to character. Those children who overcome obstacles are not always the ones who are the smartest, or even come from a stable home. It’s the kids who develop character—those are the ones who succeed at life.

In talking about his own parenting of a young son, Tough said that “the long struggle we will face, as all parents do, between our urge to provide everything for our child, to protect him from all harm, and our knowledge that if we really want him to succeed, we need to first let him fail. Or, more precisely, we need to help him learn to manage failure.”

How do we let our children fail? Here are few ways we can take that step back and let the child sink or swim on his own.

1. Stop helping with homework. Instead of hovering around your child while he does his homework, ignore him. If he asks for help, ask him to struggle on for a bit more on his own. Most of the time, the child just wants an easy way to solve a difficult problem. By letting your child own his homework, then you set him up for success or failure on his own, thus building self confidence as well as how to handle not doing well.
2. Let her get the grades her work deserves. So many times, we want our children to succeed academically at all costs, even to the point of asking teachers what extra curricular work the child can do to improve the grade. We tell our children’s teachers that we expect them to get the grades they earn—and we’re prepared to enforce that even when they get to high school.
3. Take a step back. If you see your child struggling with something, don’t jump in right away. Step back and let the child figure out if he can tie his shoes, ride his bike without training wheels or whatever else is the trouble. Sure, the kid will likely fall off the bike more times than he stays on in the beginning, but by not rushing in to help each time he experiences frustration at his lack of ability, you’ll help him learn to succeed on his own.
4. Share your own failures. When your kids see how you handle life’s disappointments, they learn how they can, too. I recently had a novel rejected by an agent, a nice rejection, but a “no” all the same. I shared the news with my family at dinner one evening, and while the children could see I was disappointed, they also saw that I wasn’t crushed beyond hope. In talking about my own failure, I helped them see how they can process their own failures.

 These are only a few ways to help children learn to succeed—by first learning how to fail.

Until next time,

Sarah

Forget Me Not

Q: What can we do when our fourth grader forgets to take her homework, lunch, violin, etc., with her to school? It used to not happen too often, but lately it seems that every week, she’s getting on the bus without something. I’ve been driving the item to school for her. How do I get her to remember what she needs each day for school?

A: The quick answer is that you stop bringing whatever she’s forgotten to school. Now I’ll answer your objections (because I’m almost positive there will be objections to this dose of reality on such a tender person).

First, ask yourself whose things have been forgotten, yours or your daughter’s? Right, your daughter’s. You’re not in fourth grade, so those are not your things left lying on the kitchen table.

Second, if it’s not your things, but your daughter’s, then who should have the responsibility of remembering said items? Right again, your daughter. You can see where I’m heading, can’t you?

Third, if it’s your daughter’s responsibility to remember her school things, then how does your bringing the forgotten item to school help her to take that responsibility? Right for the third time: It doesn’t. It only reinforces that she doesn’t have to remember because mommy will bring the item to school if the daughter forgets.

Now, before you object that your little darling will starve if you don’t bring her lunch, all public elementary schools will give a child cold cereal if that child forgets her lunch and doesn’t have any money on her lunch card. So rest assured that she will be fed.

For the other objection that I’m sure is flitting through your mind, that she will fail in some way that day’s music lesson or project, then I say, “So what?” Is it better for her to learn in elementary school—when the stakes for forgetting something are much lower—to be responsible for her school work or when she’s a senior in high school and that missed project could impact her grade point average?

And yes, if any one of my children forget a project on the day that it’s due, don’t remember their lunch or anything else school-related, we are perfectly prepared to let said child experience the full, natural consequences of that forgetfulness. Most of the time, all it will take is one time, and you’ll be amazed at how quickly the child will become at remembering everything needed for school.

See how easy it is to figure these things out with a little commonsense and some clarity of thought?

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.