Embarrassment Fuels Defiance

Q: When my kindergartner become embarrassed, she digs in her heels and becomes ridiculously obstinate and defiant. It doesn’t matter if the embarrassment is due to a reprimand or mistake. Pouting, stomping, crying, covering of ears, etc., ensues. We’ve tried explaining that everyone makes mistakes but that hasn’t helped. I don’t want this to become an issue in the classroom. What can we do?

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A: Ah, the old “why” instead of a action. Because you think her reaction is because she’s embarrassed, you’ve given her a pass on how she acts. The truth of the matter is she is throwing a temper tantrum whenever something happens she didn’t want to occur—either her own fault or not. You’ve allowed her to continue with this stomping, pouting, wailing and gnashing of teeth and now it’s time to put an end to it.

Stop trying to reason with your child. She’s not going to listen or understand, so save your breath and use it to address the real problem: her temper tantrums. At this age, solving it should be fairly easy if you’re consistent. Designate a rarely used room in the house as the tantrum (a powder room or guest room works well). Tell her that she needs to go to that room whenever she’s embarrassed and feels like crying, stomping, covering her ears, etc. Then you remind her, leading her by the hand, to the room, where she stays by herself until she stops having the tantrum.

Your job is to help her remember to go to the room whenever she has a tantrum. A temper tantrum without an audience is like a fire without oxygen: both burn out rather quickly in its absence.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Parenting Basics: What Do Britches Have to do With Anything?

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

To those who think britches, an old-fashioned word for pants, has nothing to do with child-rearing, I say read on! The phrase “You’re acting too big for your britches” is one that should be employed by every parent, if not in actual word, at least in sentiment.

Someone who’s too big for their pants is one who is too arrogant. The origin of the phrase, “You’re too big for your britches” has its roots in the 1830s and means one who  thinks too highly of himself than he ought to. In the middle of the last century, the phrase was often said in conjunction with “If you don’t size yourself to your britches, I’ll do it for you.”

A similar phrase used in previous generations of parents is “You need to be taken down a peg or two,” which has its origin in the ancient practice of ranking people on a vertical peg board, with one’s name represented by a peg. The higher on the peg, the higher in society you ranked. Thus to be taken down a notch or peg meant that you had gotten above your station in life and needed to be reminded of your proper place.

Today, with many parents buying into the notion that families are a democracy (that’s a discussion for another blog), the notion that a child could in fact be acting above where she ought might smack of classism. But nothing could be further from the truth when it comes to children. Parents nowadays routinely allow their children to grow inflated egos, to think themselves much more important than they should be.

In our quest for equality, we’ve forgotten what the parents of yesteryear understood intuitively: that youngsters had no problem thinking too highly of themselves and need to be taught otherwise. Basically, the phrase “you’re too big for your britches” is an antidote to high self-esteem. A child with high self-esteem, as I’ve talked about on this blog before, is one who puts herself above all others, who focuses more on what her needs are than on the needs of others, and who wants her needs attended to above all others.

A child who is too big for his britches is a child who wants his way in everything. A child who is too big for his britches is one who ignores his parents, his teachers and whoever else is standing in his way. A child who is too big for his britches has an ego the size of Texas and has no qualms about asserting his will in all things.

In other words, a child who’s too big for his britches is one who is a big brat.

Now, if you don’t want a bratty child—and, seriously, who does?—then you’d better start sizing your children to their proper size britches. All that means is that when you see their little egos start to inflate, you gently—you don’t have to be harsh about it to get the point across—take then down a notch. This means, you teach them to put others first. This means, you make them wait their turn. This means, you show them how to treat others with respect and courtesy—and demand that same treatment from them towards you.

“You’re getting too big for your britches” is a golden oldie when it comes to parenting phrases. Dust it off and give it a good workout—even if you have to tell your kids what “britches” are.

Until next time,

Sarah

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

To Believe or Not To Believe—Is That Really the Question?

Q: I spot-check my 15-year-old daughter’s (“Ann”) social media sites—she knows this—and found a posting by her close friend (“Sue”) that contained obscene language. Sue wrote, “I didn’t write that, Ann did.” Thing is, neither one of the talk like that (at least that I’ve ever heard), so it seems really out of character for either one of them. They were together when the post was written. What can I do? It’s very likely they will finger each other as the “real” writer of the post. Oh, and both are honor students and generally stay out of trouble. Also, do I let Sue’s mother know what I found out (we’re fairly close)?

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A: Many parents would commence the hunt for “the truth,” i.e., who really wrote the incriminating post. Thus begins the game of finger pointing, tears, strained relationships between you and Sue’s parents, etc. The whole thing becomes an exercise in futility because no matter who actually wrote the post, both girls were present at the time it was uploaded and both girls probably share some of the blame, either directly writing it or indirectly egging on the one who did.

So save yourself time and hassle by skipping the hunting part and moving toward the solution part, which is quite simple: take away Ann’s access to social media and to her electronic devices for at least a month. If she asks why, you can say that since her name was associated with such language, she needs a break from social media. Make her go cold turkey from electronic devices for 30 days and that should make her think twice in the future to be even near someone who would post something like that under her name.

Lest you think that is too harsh, keep in mind that in a few years, she will be searching for a job after college graduation. With more and more employers trolling the Web to see what’s being said about job candidates, do you really want her name associated with any filth out there? Not that she needs to hear that—she won’t understand your reasons anyway—but that’s something for you to keep in mind as you consider how to handle things like this now and in the future.

Tread with care if you talk to Sue’s mother about the posting. She might not want to hear that her daughter was associated with something tawdry.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Parenting Basics: “Don’t Get Me Involved”

Grandma was right! There is an easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are choosing the hard way. This series of blogs (posted on Tuesdays) will tackle familiar phrases that used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the 20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment expressed in the phrases.

Sixty years or so ago, mothers had a life of their own. They weren’t waiting around for their children to “need” them—they were out having cocktails with the neighbors, chairing committees and whipping up Jello-molds with one hand tied behind their backs. Involved in their children’s lives? Not on your life.

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Fast-forward to today: most mothers are over-involved in the minutia that is their children’s lives. No detail is too small to be overlooked or commented on, or scrapebooked. To say you didn’t want to get involved in your children’s lives is tantamount to saying you don’t love your kids.

Which is why the phrase, “Don’t get me involved,” has fallen way out of usage. Some of you reading this blog are wincing, wondering why any decent, loving mother would want to say that to their child. Shouldn’t good mothers be involved?

In a word, no. It all comes down to whose life is it anyway. Is it your child’s life or yours? If your child’s life is yours, then you should be involved. But your child’s life isn’t yours to live—it is your child’s and your child’s alone. Or to put it another way: back off and let your child live her own life.

That’s where “Don’t get me involved” comes into play. Parents of yesteryear used this phrase to encourage their children to solve their own problems, whether with school, siblings, friends, etc. Parents used to know that the only person capable of solving the problem was the person involved with the problem. In other words, when a child has a problem, the child is the only person responsible for solving the problem.

The parent shouldn’t step in just because the child doesn’t want to solve the problem. The parent shouldn’t shoulder the responsibility of solving the problem because the child doesn’t want to or says he can’t solve the problem. The only person capable of solving the child’ problem is the child.

That’s the beauty of “Don’t get me involved.” Telling your child when he comes to you with a problem, “Don’t get me involved,” reminds the child that it’s his problem, not yours, and that your involvement will not solve the problem, but instead will create more of an uncomfortable situation with the child. This works especially well with sibling conflict. The only ones who can solve sibling conflict are the siblings involved in the conflict. Telling said siblings, “Don’t get me involved,” gives them more incentive to come to a conclusion that satisfies all involved.

I encourage you to brush off the old chestnut “Don’t get me involved,” and use it freely with your children. You might find that you can join a book club, have a glass of wine by the fireplace or take up yoga with all the free time you’ll have by not being overly involved in your children’s lives.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on Parenting With Love & Leadership in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

Back Tracking

Q: I just started implementing “Teen Proofing” (based on John Rosemond’s book of the same name), and have realized that I micromanaged my 12-year-old horribly. Basically, for the past five years, I’ve been a screaming banshee with him. Through family therapy, I’ve regained control of my yelling, but my question is how do we undo our 10 years of micromanaging?

A: The bad news is that, unfortunately, you can’t undo the past, no matter how much you want to. But the good news is that you don’t have to let the past influence your future. You made mistakes—we all do as parents—and you’ll likely make some more going forward. If you haven’t already, please do apologize for yelling so much at your kids. Then use the techniques your therapist gave you to help you not allow screaming to be one of your parenting tools in the future.

Not micromanaging your child’s lives will take discipline on your part. I’d recommend before you do something for your child, count to 10 and then let him do it—or not do it, as the case may be. Let him rise to the occasion or fall on his face. He should have been learning this all along, but it’s not too late for him to catch up on this important life lesson.

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Above all, keep in mind that it’s the child who produces the child, not the parent. Each of your children is perfectly capable of handling his life. It might not look as pretty as when you do it—it will likely be messier and at times sink into disaster zones, but by taking giant steps backward in your parenting, you will be giving him the space he needs to figure out how to do things and how to handle it when things go wrong. Be prepared for him to balk at first. After all, you’ve been absorbing all the hits for him, smoothing his way, right? Add the phrase, “You can do it, I will not help you with that” to your vocabulary and use as often as needed—for him and you.

It will take a little time for you all to adjust, as you keep backing away and allowing your child to step up to the plate. Also remember that discipline doesn’t have to be meted out immediately with this age, so if you need to step away to regain control—and avoid screaming—then do so. You can deliver consequences later when you—and your son—have both cooled off.

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on “The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works” through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on “Parenting With Love & Leadership” in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

A Hoot and a Holler

Have you ever yelled at your kids? That’s something that every parent (including me!), no matter how well-behaved their kids are, has done. But if you do it on a daily or hourly basis, that’s a lot of frustration—more than you should have as a parent.

Most of us shout at our kids because of frustration or anger at something they’ve done—or haven’t done. But some parents yell at their teens as a form of punishment. A new study from the University of Pittsburgh and University of Michigan recently published in the Journal of Child Development found that parents who scream at their teens in this manner are upping the chances their children will develop problem behaviors and depression.

“New research reveals that harsh verbal discipline in early adolescence causes more harm than good. Instead of helping, harsh verbal discipline might actually worsen problematic behavior in teens,” reports the Counsel & Heal website. “Harsh verbal discipline can have a dramatic impact on teen's emotional development. Researchers said this is true even among those who enjoy a close relationship with their parents.”

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“This is one of the first studies to indicate that parents' harsh verbal discipline is damaging to the developing adolescent,” said lead researcher Ming-Te Wang, assistant professor of psychology in education at the University of Pittsburgh. “The notion that harsh discipline is without consequence, once there is a strong parent-child bond-that the adolescent will understand that ‘they're doing this because they love me’-is misguided because parents’ warmth didn’t lessen the effects of harsh verbal discipline.”

We as parents generally know that screaming at our kids isn’t good—for us or them. But what the article didn’t cover was how to overcome that yelling tendency.

Yelling at your children on a regular basis—and especially as form of discipline—is symptomatic of parents who do not feel in control of their parenting. A calm parent won’t scream at her child as much as one who is constantly trying to figure out how to parent.

One way to stop hollering is to adopt Alpha Speech, which basically means you talk like you’re the leader in your home. A leader doesn’t constantly explain herself. Instead, a leader gives clear instructions in as few words as possible, employing the Short and Sweet Principle: The fewer words a parent uses when giving instructions or conveying expectations, the more likely it is that the child will obey.

So stop the screaming and become an Alpha Speech expert. You’ll be amazed at much calmer you’ll be as a parent—and how more obedient your children will be as a result. And remember that obedient children are happier children than their non-obedient peers.

Until next time,

Sarah

In October, Sarah will be giving a series of talks on “The Well-Behaved Child: Discipline that Really Works” through the City of Fairfax Parks and Recreation Department. Also in October, Sarah and Mary Elizabeth Peritti will speak on “Parenting With Love & Leadership” in a four-part webinar series. Contact Sarah through her website for more information.

School Year Resolutions

Many of us make New Year’s Resolutions, and with the start of a fresh school year, I propose parents write some New School Year Resolutions of their own. Here are a few New School Year Resolutions every parent should have.

Resolution 1. I will not complain about my children’s teachers. This means, you will speak well of their teachers, not ill. That publicly and privately you will not disparage their teachers, especially in front of them or within their hearing. By the very position as a teacher in your child’s school, that person deserves your respect.

Resolution 2. I will take the teacher’s word over my child’s. This used to be commonplace in American homes, that if a teacher said a child had misbehaved, the parent would believe the teacher over any protestations from the child, knowing that a child is an unreliable witness to situations in which he has a stake. Make it clear from the outset that you will not tolerate misbehavior in the classroom and that it’s your child’s responsibility to learn how to get along with any “difficult” teachers, much as it is with any “wonderful” teachers.

Resolution 3. Homework is the sole responsibility of my child. In other words, you as a parent should not take the onus of getting homework done on your shoulders. “But what if my child doesn’t do her homework?” you ask. That’s the teacher’s responsibility to address. If the teacher gives a poor grade on uncompleted homework, then your child will suffer the consequences. If the teacher makes your child sit out recess to finish her homework in class, then your child will suffer the consequences. The only responsibility you have as a parent in regard to homework is to make sure your child has a place to do it. That’s it. Other than that, leave the homework to the child. After all, as I tell my kids, I have already passed elementary school.

Resolution 4: I will not bring homework, musical instruments or lunches to school when my child has left them at home. It is the child’s responsibility to make sure he leaves for school with all the things he needs that day. The parent who takes that responsibility on herself of bringing a left-behind item to school later is not helping her child learn that responsibility. It’s better to have a child figure out how not to forget things early in life than later in life. Less stress on the parent, too.

For our family, this week heralds the dawn of a new era with all four kids in school full time for the first time. I’m sure there will be missed lunches, forgotten worksheets and tired bodies at some point this year. But I know that with practice, our kindergartener, first grader, fourth grader and fifth grader will develop their own routines for handling school assignments and will figure out how to get along with their teachers. After all, school is but a preview of life, and the more responsibility we give our children, the more opportunities they have to shine and grow.

Until next time,

Sarah