Thinking the Best, not the Worst

Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available in October, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

Do your children regularly perform acts of charity toward one another? Most of us would say no, but being kind to one another should be the hallmark of brothers and sisters. Why do our kids treat one another with meanness instead of kindness, with a shove rather than a helping hand, and with harsh words instead of a sweet spirit? Because of their own sinful hearts, yes, but also because we have failed to instill in them how to truly love one another.

Today’s world encourages entirely too much focus on self, and it’s a daily struggle to help our children turn their hearts away from themselves and onto others. Before implementing ways to teach children to think well of each other, parents should first take the pulse of their household. Observing kids when they think no one is looking can be eye-opening. The dynamics of their interplay can appear differently when grownups step back and stealthily pay close attention to them.

To check the barometer of your household, take a week to watch your children with your full attention. How your children treat each other when no one is looking says a lot about how rife sibling rivalry is in your household. As you observe from a distance, ask yourself these questions:

• Do your kids share easily with each other most of the time?
• Do your kids talk kindly to each other most of the time?
• Do your children help each other on their own most of the time?
• Do your children play together or spend time together voluntarily most of the time?
• Do your children do nice things for one another without parental prompting most of the time?
• Do your children defend each other to outsiders most of the time?

These questions can help you consider your children’s behavior toward one another. Note the qualifier most of the time. Everyone can have a bad day—that’s why you should do your observing over at least several days to gather your observations. sometimes. Remember that you shouldn’t expect perfection or altruism in every single interaction between your offspring.

Read more about how parents can guide their children in thinking the best, not the worst of their siblings in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.

Say No to Your Kids

By Dinah Bucholz

Say no to your kids? That’s not what I was taught in a positive parenting class. No was the answer only if I had a really good reason. Therefore, my default answer should be yes. Saying no to your kids defies the conventional wisdom, which holds that saying no is negative, and who wants to be negative?

Unfortunately, that is one of the worst pieces of parenting advice ever. Hearing no frequently—and a lot more often than they hear yes—is good for kids.

Being often denied what they want builds character. It teaches kids to delay gratification. It teaches them to be grateful. It protects them from turning into spoiled brats. Most of all, it teaches them to say no to themselves, the most important no of all.

Image courtesy of zirconicusso/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Saying no only works if your child knows you mean it. Therefore, when you say no, stick to it. If you say no and then give in, your child will learn that no doesn’t really mean no. No means that if he whines some more—and throws in a tantrum for good effect—that no will eventually transform into yes.

But what if you say no, then you’re sorry you said no?

Let’s be honest: A parent only feels guilty about a hasty no when the child reacts. Imagine if you tell your child, “No, you can’t have a cookie now.” And your child says cheerfully, “Okay!” and runs back outside to play. Are you going to call him back and say, “Oh, you know what? I changed my mind! You can have the cookie after all.” Of course not. You won’t give it a second thought.

But if your child starts to whine, “I’m so hungry. Just one cookie. Just one, please? Please let me have just one! I promise I’ll eat my whole dinner. Please? Please can I have a cookie?” And on and on. That’s when you’ll start thinking, “What’s the harm in just one cookie? Why did I even say no to that?” That’s when you start second-guessing your decisions and ultimately reversing them. You must realize that the only reason you regret your decision is that it made your child uncomfortable.

Being denied more than being fulfilled teaches kids gratitude, because they stop expecting to receive whatever they ask for and don’t take things for granted as much as kids who get what they want most of the time. In the end, the less you give your kids, the better off they are. Teaching your child to delay gratification will serve him well in life. If you tell your child he can’t have the cookie now, he has to have dinner first; he can’t go out to play, he has to do his chores first, you are setting him up for success.

One of the best things about children not getting what they want when they want it is what it does to their character: they simply will not be spoiled brats. Some children seem to be incorruptible—no matter how much they are given, they remain sweet and unselfish. They happen not to be my kids.

Save your children from this terrible fate by saying no often and sticking to it. Say it with confidence. Say it loud and say it proud!

Dinah Bucholz is a New York Times bestselling author and a relationship coach specializing in marriage and parenting. After trying to apply all the famous liberal parenting methods out there and utterly failing, Dinah transformed her crazy and chaotic family through the methods of John Rosemond’s Leadership Parenting Institute.

The Importance of Getting Along

Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available in October, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

We’ve forgotten the importance of getting along with one another, especially brothers and sisters, focusing instead on the rivalries that often crop up. Such conflict has been a hallmark of sibling relationships since the beginning of time. Biblical examples of this abound. Cain killed Abel because he was jealous that God accepted Abel’s offering and not his, that Abel was first in God’s eyes. Jacob wanted to be the firstborn and so he tricked his twin Esau out of his birthright. Sisters Leah and Rachel had their share of disagreements over their husband, Jacob. His father’s favoritism of Joseph triggered jealousy and hatred in Joseph’s brothers.

Literature also has numerous instances of sibling rivalry. It’s no surprise that Shakespeare frequently turned to sibling conflict in his plays. King Lear shows the father provoking his three daughters to compete for his love, while sisters Bianca and Kate fight constantly in The Taming of the Shrew. As You Like It has two sets of siblings in contention with each other: Oliver and Orlando, and Duke Senior and Duke Frederick. On film, sibling conflict has been played for laughs (Step Brothers, Stuck on You) and drama (The Godfather series).

Many famous real-life siblings have had public conflicts. During the 1860s, before John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln, the actor was embroiled in a rivalry with his older brother, Edwin, also an actor. John lost the battle for supremacy on the stage to the more talented Edwin, but he won a place in history with his assassination of a president. The Andrews Sisters—that powerhouse trio of LaVerne, Patty and Maxene of the 1930s and ’40s—played nice onstage but clashed loudly off stage. The feud between actresses and sisters Joan Fontaine and Olivia de Havilland took root in the 1940s. The pair had still not spoken to each other in decades when Fontaine died in late 2013.

Twins Ann Landers and Abigail Van Buren—dueling advice columnists for many years—had a relationship that waxed and waned in terms of rivalry for most of their adult lives. Brothers Peter and Christopher Hitchens—both writers—publicly, and with animosity, disagreed on political and religious issues. Liam and Noel Gallagher, brothers in the British pop band Oasis, allowed a tiff that started in 2009 blossom into a years-long feud that eventually led to the group’s disbandment.

As these examples show, sibling rivalry can cause lasting rifts that destroy relationships. The ripple effect of unresolved sibling conflict goes beyond the brothers and sisters directly involved in the fight to the rest of their family and even friends, too.

Read more about why parents should care about sibling rivalry and why it’s important for parents to help their children overcome those tendencies in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press. 

A Sorry Battle

Q: My 4-year-old daughter has begun to stop saying “sorry” recently. Here’s an example:

Child throws a toy and hits Mom

Mom says: “Ouch!”

Child stares silently at Mom.

Mom says: “That hurt Mommy. Are you sorry?”

Child shouts: “No!”

Mom says: “When we accidentally hurt people, we apologize and say we’re sorry.”

Child responds: “I will NOT apologize, Mommy!”

Mom says: “Okay, you are going to stay in your room and think about how you hurt Mommy. You can come out when you are sorry.”

Child cries, goes to room and comes out 3 minutes later.

Mom says: “Are you sorry?”

Child says: “No!”

We go back and forth for 10 to 15 minutes until she will finally say she’s sorry. I’m tired of fighting with her on this. Is this a phase and will it pass?

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: Whether this is a phase or not, this will only end when you stop playing the game. More than 90 percent of the time, children don’t “feel” sorry—that’s something they need to be taught. You’ve been clouding the issue somewhat by advocating that she only apologize when she feels sorry by asking her if she’s sorry.

That approach has led to a battle over whether or not she will say she’s sorry, and it’s become one that is taking its toll on you both. So, let’s forget about the “sorry” business for a while and focus on the real issue at hand: her disobedience. You can help curb that by changing the way you talk to her.

First, stop asking her if she’s sorry. Start telling her that she needs to apologize. Practice this when she’s not done something for which she needs to apologize. For example, in our house, we have the child (or adult—goes both ways!) to say exactly why they are apologizing, as in, “I’m sorry I threw a toy that hit you” instead of just “I’m sorry.”

Second, when she refuses to apologize, simply send her to her room for the rest of the day without her favorite things, then to bed directly after an early supper. The catch is that even when she wants to apologize after being sent to her room, you must accept the apology and still enforce the punishment. You want to avoid sending the message that if she says she’s sorry, she will get out of the consequences for her actions.

Yes, this may appear to be an over-reaction, but you need to send a message that obedience is expected the first time and that apologizing is important. Nipping this in the bud will keep it from mushrooming into an even bigger problem, of which you’ve just begun to see with her current behavior.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

The Changing Face of Families

Starting today and continuing for the next several Tuesdays, I’ll be giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available in October, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

As a society we’ve changed our expectations of child rearing—that raising children is so difficult that fewer kids makes things easier for all involved. In reality, being a sibling isn’t unusual. Estimates indicate around 80 percent of people have brothers or sisters. What has changed in the last half century is the average family size. U.S. fertility rates reveal that large families used to be the norm in this country. In 1800, the total U.S. fertility rate was 7.04 children per woman, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. By 1850, that number had dropped to 5.42, before falling even further to 3.56 in 1900. The U.S. fertility rate continued to decline throughout the first half of the twentieth century before rising briefly to 3.53 in 1960 (the baby boom generation). The rate bottomed out at 1.77 in 1980, then slowly rose before leveling out early in the twenty-first century. The U.S. Census Bureau puts the total U.S. fertility rate at 1.88 children for 2012, below the 2009 rate of 2.05 and under the replacement fertility rate of around 2.1.

Those statistics underscore that the desired family size has fluctuated over the years. In the United States, the typical early nineteenth century woman birthed between seven and ten children. The Gallup organization, which has gathered data on what Americans deem as their ideal family size since 1936, reported that up until 1957, the majority of Americans wanted families with three or more kids. The number of kids per family dropped between 1957 and 1978 to an average of about 2.5 children, around where it hovers today.

A mere decade later, more women began having only two children which meant the number women having more than three children dropped. Census data shows that in 1976, 59 percent of women between the ages of forty and forty-four had three or more kids. Three decades later, the percentage of women in that age group with three or more children had decreased to 28 percent. Nowadays, in the United States, two children per family has become the number-one choice, with 52 percent of adults surveyed by Gallup in 2007 saying that two kids were the ideal number. Part of the switch to smaller family sizes can be attributed to the fact that more children live to adulthood in twenty-first century America than in the not-so-distant past. As recently as 1900, a U.S.-born baby had only a 50 percent chance to reach adulthood.

As our ideal family size has shrunk, our view of how children should be raised has become more complicated—and with that, the expectations of who children should behave toward one another. By all accounts, families with multiple children are experiencing more sibling rivalry than in the past. Parents are frustrated and concerned about the battles that erupt on a frequent—even daily or hourly—basis in their homes.

Read more about how family size expectations contribute to parental reaction to sibling conflict in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.

Bully or Boyish Behavior?

Q: Our nearly 9-year-old boy has been having trouble with one of the boys in his Sunday school class. This particular boy simply won’t keep his hands to himself, always touching his arm or pushing on him in line, etc. We’ve told our son to inform a teacher, tell the boy to stop his behavior, then push back if the boy is uncooperative. However, our son refuses to let an adult know about the behavior and this boy usually ignores my son’s requests to stop. What should we do? We’re worried about bullying.

Image courtesy of Prawny/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: In my opinion, one of the hardest things for a parent to figure out is whether or not a child is being bullied—or is bullying someone else. You are on the right track, although I don’t agree with answering physical behavior in kind. Pushing back or hitting back will likely escalate the problem and could possible land your son in hot water, too.

Keep encouraging him to tell an adult when another child won't stop a physical behavior and/or name calling despite your son's efforts. Try role playing with him to help him find the words to express his frustration or anger. Kids often respond to situations better after practicing how to handle themselves.

Also, it’s no surprise that this boy won’t listen to your son about stopping his behavior. Kids often don't listen to other kids--otherwise, all families would live in harmony without sibling conflict, right? Practice with your son saying, “Stop pushing me” or “Do not hit me” in a forceful tone of voice.

Your son does have another option: he can remove himself from the situation by walking away. This can help both parties calm down and regroup. If a teacher asks why he is moving, your son can say that the other child won't leave him alone.

Finally, talk with your son about putting himself in the other child’s shoes. Help your son to see what’s annoying behavior and what's really bullying. Encourage him to think about why the other child is doing what he's doing. Is that child not as self-aware of his actions? Does that child seem mean or just wanting to be friends, as some children rough house more than others?

We’re so quick these days to jump on the bullying bandwagon that we’ve, at times, blown out of proportion incidents that are not true bullying or labeled a child a bully when said kid is really just socially inept, for example. Teaching our kids to think about the other person, even when that other child is not being kind to them, helps build character.

Don’t misunderstand me--I’m not advocating ignoring bullying. What I am advocating is having a kind heart, one that overlooks small annoyances and grievances, one that seeks the good in others rather than seeking to have all the good for oneself. By teaching our children kindness in the face of provocation we will equip them to help make this world a better place.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

A Generational Connection

In my article, “5 Ways to Encourage Your Kids When Grandpa Has Alzheimer’s” on Crosswalk.com, I talk about the importance to help our children stay connected with a grandparent who has Alzheimer’s or is physically incapacitated. This blog has some additional things your children can do to stay connected with an ailing grandparent who lives far away.

1. Record a song or story. There are many ways to record sound these days, so take advantage and let your kids record an “album” for their grandparents. Just make sure grandma has the right equipment to play the recording.

Image courtesy of photostock/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You can also ask the grandparent to do that for your kids. Several years ago, my mother recorded herself singing old children’s songs and also reading classic children’s poems. I had the cassette tapes transferred onto CDs and my children still love to listen to their Nanny.

2. Write a story. Tell your children a bit about their grandparents childhood, then let them devise a story featuring the grandparent as a kid. Handwriting the story will add a special element but you might need to add some corrections if spelling will hinder the reading. You can use the material to create a memory book for your children and future grandchildren with stories from your parents’ childhood, too.

3. Send handmade gifts. What grandparent wouldn’t like to receive a painting made by a child in art class or a ceramic flower pot crafted in school? Sharing some of your children’s artwork and crafts done in school would brighten a grandparent’s day—and help keep your house from being overrun with school clutter.

4. Make a photo album. Have your kids put together mini-albums with photographs you’ve taken of them. They can write simple identifications or do a more elaborate scrapbook. This especially can aid a grandparent’s memory and provide another way for the two to connect during in-person visits.

What are some ways you help your kids stay connected with their grandparents?

Until next time,

Sarah

Food Fight!

Q: What should the general management of my 14-year-old daughter’s behavior toward food be? She is not overweight but this might become a problem area as she grows up. Right now, we monitor her food consumption by regularly directing her not to eat a particular food or how much of something she should consume.

It seems that if left to her own devices, our daughter would consume way too much junk food. Right now, she eats fine at meals prepared by us, but there is always an argument after dinner about dessert. Both of us eat very healthy and it’s difficult to see her choosing “bad” foods over good ones. Should we keep monitoring her intake or let her eat what she wants?

Image courtesy of Victor Habbick/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: Food is not something parents should be debating or arguing with their children over. Reading between the lines of your question, I sense that you realize this and that’s why you’re wondering how or if to step back. With a young teen, you should be starting to withdrawal from the more hands-on approach of the elementary school years and transitioning into the mentoring approach of the teenage years. Here’s an approach to the food issue that will help move you more to the mentor side and yet still retain some input into your daughter’s food choices.

First, if she’s not already, have your daughter cook at least one evening meal a week. She should plan the menu and shop with you for the ingredients. You can set general guidelines (such as one meat dish and two vegetable sides) but be careful not to micromanage the process.

Second, your daughter should be expected to eat what’s served with no substitutions. If she doesn’t like something, she can either eat it or not. She won’t starve if she misses an occasional meal.

Third, you should only buy the kind of snacks that you wish her to eat, such as pretzels instead of potato chips. Simply tell your daughter that if she wants a particular snack, she needs to purchase it with her own money. At 14, she’s old enough to baby-sit or pet sit for neighbors, etc., for extra cash.

Fourth, resist the urge to lecture about food. Sure, you can have discussions about food, but don’t harangue her. Visit local farmer’s markets or area farms to talk about seasonal foods. Discuss ingredients and read articles together about food. Watch cooking shows together and talk about different techniques or menus. There is so much information about food these days that you can find common interest that will serve to connect you both in a positive way.

Finally, recall your own misspent youth when it comes to food. Haven’t we all made bad food choices as teens? I well remember Oreo binges that make me shudder today. Keep that in mind and go easy on her. She’ll likely outgrow this if you don’t dig in your heels too deep.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

School Expectations Equals Happy/Unhappy Parenthood

With school now begun all over the country, parents are gearing up for another round of “My student must excel.” This goes beyond the desire all of us have to see our children do the best they can with the skills and abilities God has given them. Many parents are sure that if they just help their child to succeed in school (elementary to high school), their child will attend the right college and find the right job.

However, the “right” college degree that doesn’t guarantee the “right” job. Today’s sad truth is that more Millennials—the current generation of college graduates—are living at home with pricey college degrees without work entirely or without a job in their chosen field of study.

Image courtesy of digitalart/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In a Washington Post opinion piece published this summer, Robert J. Samuelson wrote about this newish phenomenon of graduates, but his focus was on how the parents of these Milliennials felt about having their sons and daughters boomeranging home after graduating from university. He wrote about how baffled these parents are, especially given that “as parents, our sense of self-worth depends heavily on the success and happiness of our children.”

The problem with that mindset, that our parental self-worth is closely tied to our children’s success and happiness, is that it doesn’t make anyone happy or successful. That sense that our self-worth as parents depends on the success of our children drives our parenting decisions of today. But what many parents miss is that tie-in makes it more about the parent than the child, more about appearances than about character, more about the superficial than the ever-lasting.

The expectations we place on children from kindergarten (my child must be reading before entering kindergarten or he’ll be behind!) to high school (my child must take advanced classes or she’ll not get into the college she wants to attend!) form the basis for our own parental happiness and our children’s success, or so we think. What I would posit is that we need to return to a time not so long ago when parents realized that school success—or lack of success—wasn’t a reflection of their parenting but a picture of how their children choose to use the gifts and abilities they have. Some kids will squander their talents while others will soar to the heights. Most will scamper along in the middle, which should be perfectly acceptable to us and to them as long as they are not sliding along but doing their best.

So let’s all scale back on our scholastic expectations for our children and become more relaxed about the beginning of the school year. By not acting like the world will collapse if our children are not at the top of their class or taking all the accelerated courses possible, all of us should enjoy the academic year a lot more—and possibly have more fun, too.

Until next time,

Sarah