Halting the Helicopter Blades

We all want to protect our children, but we need to take care that our actions don’t overstep and become micromanagement. Micromanaging is a form of overprotecting our children. A micromanager exercises excessive control, especially over the details.

The easiest way to derail your parenting is to become a micromanager. This is when you hover over your child and don’t give him space to fail and experience frustration. We need to be micromanagers to some extent when our kids are under 3, but most of us forget to stop when they are able to do things for themselves.

How to tell if you’re a micromanager? Ask yourself these questions:

Do I explain myself too much to my kids? Today’s parents over-explain every decision and command to their children. Instead of telling a child, “Clean up your room,” parents say, “Clean up your room because I’m having company over and your room is right next to the hall bathroom and I don’t want people to see the mess in there….” By the time you’re finished, most kids have forgotten the original command. The other problem with explaining is that it invites push-back from the child, as to the clean room example: “I’ll just close my door and no one will see the mess.”

Do I immediately think terrible things will happen if I don’t pay close attention to the nitty-gritty? Micromanagers also tend to be apocalyptic thinkers, using this as a way to defend their micromanagement. For example, a mom might see her child struggling to tie his shoes and think: “If I don’t tie his shoes for him, they’ll come untied. Then he’ll trip and fall and break his neck and be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.”

Am I a helicopter parent? A micromanaging parent also can be overly vigilant in the behavior of your child, fearful that if you don’t continually manage his life, things will fall apart. A news story a few months ago tied helicopter parents to depression in kids. The study focused on college students, but you know that if the parents are micromanaging college for their kids, they started micromanaging when their children were young. The study found that parents who micromanaged their college student’s schedule, vacation and laundry were doing harm to those kids, who tended to be more depressed and express dissatisfaction with life.

If you want to stop the helicopter parenting, here are some ways to ease off the throttle.

First, begin by taking a giant step back from everything that your child does. Before you rush to help or direct, count to 10 and ask yourself, “Is this something my child can figure out for herself if I give her time?” Then give her the time to do so.

Second, start incorporating these phrases more when talking with your children:

“I want you to,”

“It’s time to,”

“You will.”

Finally, be prepared for the child to whine that he can’t do it because you’ve trained him by your micromanagement to think he can’t. Be firm in saying he can do this on his own—then back off and let him.

Just think of how much time you’ll gain when you stop micromanaging your children. I highly recommend turning your focus back on your husband, as a helicopter parent is one who is probably also neglecting her spouse.

Until next time,

Sarah

E-readers Okay for Kids?

Q: I’m not a fan of television and video games for children. What’s your opinion about e-readers? I’m thinking of getting my eight-year-old one because ebooks are so much less expensive but was a bit concerned about more screen time.

A: I’m old-fashioned when it comes to electronics and children, especially young children, and recommend the bare minimum of total screen time (including computers, video games, and television/movies). That said, I’m a huge proponent of reading. Our kids love physical books, but would probably enjoy having an e-reader.

If you feel that your child would take care of such a device, then get one for him. I would recommend buying an e-reader only, not a tablet with Internet connectivity or the ability to play games, etc. Restrict its usage like you would any other toy, such as no reading until chores and homework are finished, and no reader after bedtime.

With those caveats, encouraging your child to read is always a good thing—just make sure you supplement with trips to the library to check out the real thing from time to time.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Where Did All the Commonsense Go?

Some days, I really wonder what happened to all the commonsense that used to permeate parenting in the United States. The things parents do and think today can be rather mind-boggling, and, I think, would sound strange to our grandparents and great-grandparents.

Let me give two examples of what I mean.

First, parents used to think that raising children is no big deal, but it is a big responsibility.

Today, you often hear mothers say that raising children is the hardest thing they’ve ever done. What that statement misses is that raising kids is not hard—we’ve made it much more difficult than it needs to be by flipping the equation. Now we think raising children is a big deal and if we don’t do it right, they won’t get into college and have a good job and a career, and other apocalyptic thinking.

Second, parents used to take child rearing seriously but not children seriously.

Children do the strangest, silliest things. Haven’t you found some of the things they do plain old hilarious? If not, then you’re not alone. Collectively, we’ve lost our sense of humor and delight in what children do and say.

Instead, we view children very seriously, and often over-react to the things that are typical weird kid things. For example, when one of my daughters was around five, I saw her licking the wall down the hallway.

Now, some parents would have played detective and asked her why she was licking the wall. Maybe she wasn’t getting enough salt? Maybe she’s upset about something? However, I knew that kids just do the darnest things and simply told her to stop licking the wall—and shared a chuckle with my husband about it later.

Getting back to commonsense on this type of thinking means you view child rearing as a big—and serious—responsibility, but that you don’t view it as particularly hard, nor do you take what your kids do too seriously. Above all, remember to enjoy your kids and all the strange, weird, head-scratching things they do.

Until next time,

Sarah 

What to Expect From a Toddler

Q: Our toddler (nearly two years old) is happy and independent, but suddenly, he’s started throwing things whenever we tell him no. His facial expression turns angry, too. He’ll usually comply with our request, but then he’ll cry, hit the wall with his hand or foot, or throw a toy across the room. We usually scold him for the behavior, but this has been getting worse. For example, any change in our routine is met with anger and outbursts.

A: There’s a reason this age is sometimes referred to as “terrible,” but take heart, he will outgrow it soon enough! For an excellent overview of this age and how to handle it, I highly recommend John Rosemond’s Making the Terrible Twos Terrific. This book has tons of sensible and commonsense advice, with plenty of questions and answers from parents.

But I’m here to help you with this problem. Here’s the bottom line: your son wants what he wants when he wants it. That’s the very basic definition of a toddler. And a toddler has no filters or self-control enough to stop himself when he’s denied what he wants when he wants it. That’s the background of his behavior.

Now on to the remedy. Ignore his outbursts after he has obeyed you. If his temper tantrums after the obedience become bigger than one toy tossed across the room or one wall kicked, then you should simply put him in his room or crib until he calms down. Don’t say anything to him about his behavior beyond a concise, “No throwing.” He’ll get the picture, but things might get worse before he does, which, again, is typical at this age.

Finally, remember that part of his job as a toddler is to test limits and figure things out. His frustration level is extremely low, and with your patient and consistent correction, it will grow higher as he grows up. Keep in mind that our children—at any age—are likely to do any number of weird, strange, and terrible things. That’s just how kids are, and the more you can keep that in the front of your mind, the more you’ll be able to respond calmly and collectively to his misbehavior.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Parental Vision

How would you describe your child at age 30? How you answer that question tells about your parenting vision for your children.

I can almost guarantee not one of you reading this blog said:

• Graduate at the top of his high school or college class
• Get into an Ivy league school
• Play a professional sport
• Have a fancy house or a high-paying job.

I’ll bet you listed things like:

• Honest
• Hard working
• Responsible
• Respectful
• Loving
• Godly
• Truthful.

All those are characteristics. These are character traits, not achievements.

Think about the vision you have for your children and then think about how you are parenting. Do your decisions as a parent reflect the vision you have for your kids? Do the things you encourage your children to accomplish build toward the vision you have for them as adults?

Image courtesy of Maggie Smith/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

When you have a clear vision for your children, then your parenting decisions will come easier. Taking the long view of raising kids will help you in the short term.

I encourage you to talk with your spouse and write down the vision you have for your child as a 30-year-old. Then post it somewhere in the house for you and your spouse to look at on a regular basis.

Now whenever you wonder what to do about discipline, consequences, addressing behavior, and virtually any parental decision, think about that vision. For example, if your child shirks his chores, remember that you want him to be hard working and responsible. That should assist you in your correction of his behavior.

If your child is being mean to her sibling, keep in mind you want her to grow up to be loving and act accordingly. If you aim the parental arrow of discipline to the bulls eye of that vision and shoot, even if you miss the center, you’ll still be shooting within the range of your vision.

Having a vision for your kids and keeping that vision in mind as you parent will get you over both the rough and smooth patches of child-rearing.

What is your vision?

Until next time,

Sarah

Prodding a Plodder

Q: My second grader often misses the school bus because she’s not ready in time. Sometimes, it’s because she got up later than usual, while other times, it’s because she’s piddled around eating breakfast, getting dressed, etc. It doesn’t matter if she has her school things together the night before or not—she still procrastinates even with her clothes laid out already. Any ideas on how I can get her moving more in the mornings?

A: Some kids seem to fiddle around more than others, especially when it comes to getting ready. However, there is a fairly easy solution to this very common problem. Applied with consistency, it’s almost guaranteed to work (remembering that when children are involved, nothing can be 100% foolproof).

Before bed, tell your daughter that tomorrow morning will be a new routine, one that you’re sure she’s going to embrace. Show her a kitchen timer, preferably one that rings really loud (as opposed to a digital one), telling her that she will have 10 minutes to get dressed, brush her teeth and hair, and have her school bag and coat ready for the bus.

Ten minutes is plenty of time for a second grader to accomplish those things. In the morning after breakfast, remind her of the time limit, set the timer, and then ignore her. This is very important—do not say a peep about the timer running out. Simply go about your day as if she’s obeying you even if you know for a fact that she isn’t. When the timer dings, walk into her room and assess the situation. If she’s dressed, but hasn’t brushed her teeth or hair, then merely tell her to that. If she’s completely ready, nod and smile, but don’t overly praise.

Chances are, she won’t be ready within the time limit. In that case, say nothing about it and put her on the school bus. However, after she arrives home from school and starts to talk about playing with her friends outside or doing something else, sigh and say you wish she could, but she’ll be in her room for the rest of the day and to bed directly after supper, lights out.

When she asks why, remind her of what happened in the morning. Then follow through on the punishment. She’ll catch on soon enough, and you will probably be able to dispense with the timer after a few weeks.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Where Does Fairness Come Into Child Rearing?

“It’s not fair” is one of the rallying cries of childhood. At any given moment, somewhere in the world, a child is sure that he or she is not getting a fair shake. I well remember having the same feelings as a kid, that life or my parents or school wasn’t being fair to me.

Sometimes, when a child says “It’s not fair,” it really isn’t in the true sense of the word. A six-year-old doesn’t get to stay up as late as your 10-year-old, and the eight-year-old does do more chores around the house than the four-year-old. Other times, even if you try to be equitable as a parent, the children can still find things to pout about (“He got more icing on his piece of cake than I did”).

Being fair with our children (or if an only child, with the neighborhood kids or classmates) shouldn’t be our goal as parents. But we should think about what fairness means for a family.

Fairness doesn’t mean everyone in the family gets equal treatment, both good and bad. That would put parents on the same footing as children, which is not good for the family structure.

Fairness doesn’t mean treating all children the same. Older children should have more chores than younger ones, while younger ones shouldn’t have as many privileges as older kids.

Fairness does mean not playing favorites. No child should be made the scapegoat and no child should be mommy’s pet. You don’t have to interact with your kids the same way, but you should have to check your behavior from time to time to ensure you’re not playing favorites.

Fairness does mean leveling the playing field when it makes sense. In other words, don’t make provisions to send one kid to college, but neglect to do so for the others.

Above all, realize that children have a warped sense of fairness as it relates specifically to them. And a good sense of humor helps, too.

Until next time,

Sarah

Bedtime Viewing

Q: My two kids (a fifth grader and a seventh grader) have TVs in their bedroom that they’re supposed to turn off at bedtime. However, lately, I’ll walk by their rooms after they should be in bed and hear the TV on. They promise to do better, but within a few weeks, they’re back to their old habits. Should I pull the plug?

A: In a word, yes. But if you need more convincing, these highlights from recent research should spur you to get rid of the televisions in their bedrooms—and severely limit TV viewing in general. (My blog on Tuesday talks more in-depth about why TV viewing should be rare for kids of all ages.)

First, having a television in a child’s bedroom significantly increases the chances of that child being obese in childhood and adulthood. A 2012 article in Science Daily revealed that “70% percent [of American children] have a TV in the bedroom and about one-third of youth aged 6-19 is considered obese. Previous studies have shown that TV viewing time during childhood and adolescence continues into adulthood, resulting in overweight and elevated total cholesterol.”

Image courtesy of digitalart/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Second, having a television in a child’s bedroom decreases the parent-child bond. An October 2012 article in Huffington Post quoted Jessica Taylor Piotrowski, an assistant professor with the Amsterdam School of Communication Research at the University of Amsterdam talking about this: “Experimental studies have shown that background TV exposure has been linked to lower attention when kids are playing and weaker parent-child interactions.”

Third, having a television in a child’s bedroom lowers the amount of time that child spends reading, which in turn means weaker classroom performances. A University of Michigan Health report found that “TV can discourage and replace reading. Reading requires much more thinking than television, and we know that reading fosters young people's healthy brain development.”

Fourth, having a television in a child’s bedroom reduces the amount of sleep that child gets. “A bedroom TV may create additional disruptions to healthy habits, above and beyond regular TV viewing. For instance, having a bedroom TV is related to lower amounts of sleep and lower prevalence of regular family meals, independent of total TV viewing time,” said Piotrowski.

Personally, I think those are four excellent reasons to chuck the boob tube out of their bedrooms for good.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Banishing Television

I’ve always been amazed by how so many parents get so defensive about their children’s television viewing habits. I’ve heard impassioned speeches of why watching "Sesame Street" is okay (“He learned his numbers!”), why "Animal Kingdom" is fine (“Last night was all about lions!”), and why "Dora the Explorer" is good (“She heard about why sharing is important!”).

Then there’s the parents who can’t imagine how anyone with a toddler or infant got anything done around the house without TV. “I had to take a shower,” or “I needed to cook dinner” have been frequent reasons for why said child is parked in front of the television.

Now research is catching up to what our grandmothers know instinctively: TV viewing should be a treat, not a daily occurrence. (And before you ask, yes, the TV in our house stays off for the entire day most days—even in the evening when the kids are in bed). Here are some highlights to get you thinking about your own TV viewing—and that of your children.

Early childhood viewing has been linked to later attention problems, including ADHD, while the American Academy of Pediatrics gets it right when it advises no TV viewing at all for kids under 2. Television often replaces reading. The University of Michigan Health reports that “Kids from families that have the TV on a lot spend less time reading and being read to, and are less likely to be able to read.”

TV viewing’s impact on school performance has long-term effects, such as increasing he chances of dropping out of school and declining chances of graduating from college. As one study put it, “All television shows, even educational non-commercial shows, replace physical activity in your child's life.”

A December 2012 Science Daily report found that the average American child between the ages of 8 and 18 sat in front of the television around 4.5 hours a day. Four and a half hours daily. “There was a stronger association between having a TV in the bedroom versus TV viewing time, with the adiposity and health outcomes,” wrote study co-author Dr. Amanda Staiano.

“A bedroom TV may create additional disruptions to healthy habits, above and beyond regular TV viewing. For instance, having a bedroom TV is related to lower amounts of sleep and lower prevalence of regular family meals, independent of total TV viewing time. Both short sleep duration and lack of regular family meals have been related to weight gain and obesity,” noted Dr. Staiano.

Another 2012 study reported in The Huffington Post found that children have exposure to background TV close to four hours daily, which expert say would likely hinder their development. “The sheer amount of exposure is startling,” said study author Jessica Taylor Piotrowski, an assistant professor with the Amsterdam School of Communication Research at the University of Amsterdam.

Even more troubling, children under the age of 2 had more exposure to background TV daily: five and a half hours. “Experimental studies have shown that background TV exposure has been linked to lower attention when kids are playing and weaker parent-child interactions,” said Piotrowski in The Huffington Post.

Dr. Michael Rich, an associate professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School and director of the Center on Media and Child Health, noted that background TV effects both parents and kids. “We do know that when parents have a TV on, the level of communication drops dramatically,” he said. “We can't just say, 'Oh, it's nothing. It's just background [TV].’ It's in our field, and it's designed to grab and keep re-grabbing [children’s] attention.”

What do these studies mean for parents? At the very least, I think we should all take a good, hard look at all TV viewing—educational, recreational and background—and curtail the amount of time our kids are exposed to television.

Until next time,

Sarah