Where Does Fairness Come Into Child Rearing?

“It’s not fair” is one of the rallying cries of childhood. At any given moment, somewhere in the world, a child is sure that he or she is not getting a fair shake. I well remember having the same feelings as a kid, that life or my parents or school wasn’t being fair to me.

Sometimes, when a child says “It’s not fair,” it really isn’t in the true sense of the word. A six-year-old doesn’t get to stay up as late as your 10-year-old, and the eight-year-old does do more chores around the house than the four-year-old. Other times, even if you try to be equitable as a parent, the children can still find things to pout about (“He got more icing on his piece of cake than I did”).

Being fair with our children (or if an only child, with the neighborhood kids or classmates) shouldn’t be our goal as parents. But we should think about what fairness means for a family.

Fairness doesn’t mean everyone in the family gets equal treatment, both good and bad. That would put parents on the same footing as children, which is not good for the family structure.

Fairness doesn’t mean treating all children the same. Older children should have more chores than younger ones, while younger ones shouldn’t have as many privileges as older kids.

Fairness does mean not playing favorites. No child should be made the scapegoat and no child should be mommy’s pet. You don’t have to interact with your kids the same way, but you should have to check your behavior from time to time to ensure you’re not playing favorites.

Fairness does mean leveling the playing field when it makes sense. In other words, don’t make provisions to send one kid to college, but neglect to do so for the others.

Above all, realize that children have a warped sense of fairness as it relates specifically to them. And a good sense of humor helps, too.

Until next time,

Sarah