The Changing Face of Families

Starting today and continuing for the next several Tuesdays, I’ll be giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available in October, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

As a society we’ve changed our expectations of child rearing—that raising children is so difficult that fewer kids makes things easier for all involved. In reality, being a sibling isn’t unusual. Estimates indicate around 80 percent of people have brothers or sisters. What has changed in the last half century is the average family size. U.S. fertility rates reveal that large families used to be the norm in this country. In 1800, the total U.S. fertility rate was 7.04 children per woman, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. By 1850, that number had dropped to 5.42, before falling even further to 3.56 in 1900. The U.S. fertility rate continued to decline throughout the first half of the twentieth century before rising briefly to 3.53 in 1960 (the baby boom generation). The rate bottomed out at 1.77 in 1980, then slowly rose before leveling out early in the twenty-first century. The U.S. Census Bureau puts the total U.S. fertility rate at 1.88 children for 2012, below the 2009 rate of 2.05 and under the replacement fertility rate of around 2.1.

Those statistics underscore that the desired family size has fluctuated over the years. In the United States, the typical early nineteenth century woman birthed between seven and ten children. The Gallup organization, which has gathered data on what Americans deem as their ideal family size since 1936, reported that up until 1957, the majority of Americans wanted families with three or more kids. The number of kids per family dropped between 1957 and 1978 to an average of about 2.5 children, around where it hovers today.

A mere decade later, more women began having only two children which meant the number women having more than three children dropped. Census data shows that in 1976, 59 percent of women between the ages of forty and forty-four had three or more kids. Three decades later, the percentage of women in that age group with three or more children had decreased to 28 percent. Nowadays, in the United States, two children per family has become the number-one choice, with 52 percent of adults surveyed by Gallup in 2007 saying that two kids were the ideal number. Part of the switch to smaller family sizes can be attributed to the fact that more children live to adulthood in twenty-first century America than in the not-so-distant past. As recently as 1900, a U.S.-born baby had only a 50 percent chance to reach adulthood.

As our ideal family size has shrunk, our view of how children should be raised has become more complicated—and with that, the expectations of who children should behave toward one another. By all accounts, families with multiple children are experiencing more sibling rivalry than in the past. Parents are frustrated and concerned about the battles that erupt on a frequent—even daily or hourly—basis in their homes.

Read more about how family size expectations contribute to parental reaction to sibling conflict in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available for pre-order now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.

Bully or Boyish Behavior?

Q: Our nearly 9-year-old boy has been having trouble with one of the boys in his Sunday school class. This particular boy simply won’t keep his hands to himself, always touching his arm or pushing on him in line, etc. We’ve told our son to inform a teacher, tell the boy to stop his behavior, then push back if the boy is uncooperative. However, our son refuses to let an adult know about the behavior and this boy usually ignores my son’s requests to stop. What should we do? We’re worried about bullying.

Image courtesy of Prawny/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: In my opinion, one of the hardest things for a parent to figure out is whether or not a child is being bullied—or is bullying someone else. You are on the right track, although I don’t agree with answering physical behavior in kind. Pushing back or hitting back will likely escalate the problem and could possible land your son in hot water, too.

Keep encouraging him to tell an adult when another child won't stop a physical behavior and/or name calling despite your son's efforts. Try role playing with him to help him find the words to express his frustration or anger. Kids often respond to situations better after practicing how to handle themselves.

Also, it’s no surprise that this boy won’t listen to your son about stopping his behavior. Kids often don't listen to other kids--otherwise, all families would live in harmony without sibling conflict, right? Practice with your son saying, “Stop pushing me” or “Do not hit me” in a forceful tone of voice.

Your son does have another option: he can remove himself from the situation by walking away. This can help both parties calm down and regroup. If a teacher asks why he is moving, your son can say that the other child won't leave him alone.

Finally, talk with your son about putting himself in the other child’s shoes. Help your son to see what’s annoying behavior and what's really bullying. Encourage him to think about why the other child is doing what he's doing. Is that child not as self-aware of his actions? Does that child seem mean or just wanting to be friends, as some children rough house more than others?

We’re so quick these days to jump on the bullying bandwagon that we’ve, at times, blown out of proportion incidents that are not true bullying or labeled a child a bully when said kid is really just socially inept, for example. Teaching our kids to think about the other person, even when that other child is not being kind to them, helps build character.

Don’t misunderstand me--I’m not advocating ignoring bullying. What I am advocating is having a kind heart, one that overlooks small annoyances and grievances, one that seeks the good in others rather than seeking to have all the good for oneself. By teaching our children kindness in the face of provocation we will equip them to help make this world a better place.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

A Generational Connection

In my article, “5 Ways to Encourage Your Kids When Grandpa Has Alzheimer’s” on Crosswalk.com, I talk about the importance to help our children stay connected with a grandparent who has Alzheimer’s or is physically incapacitated. This blog has some additional things your children can do to stay connected with an ailing grandparent who lives far away.

1. Record a song or story. There are many ways to record sound these days, so take advantage and let your kids record an “album” for their grandparents. Just make sure grandma has the right equipment to play the recording.

Image courtesy of photostock/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You can also ask the grandparent to do that for your kids. Several years ago, my mother recorded herself singing old children’s songs and also reading classic children’s poems. I had the cassette tapes transferred onto CDs and my children still love to listen to their Nanny.

2. Write a story. Tell your children a bit about their grandparents childhood, then let them devise a story featuring the grandparent as a kid. Handwriting the story will add a special element but you might need to add some corrections if spelling will hinder the reading. You can use the material to create a memory book for your children and future grandchildren with stories from your parents’ childhood, too.

3. Send handmade gifts. What grandparent wouldn’t like to receive a painting made by a child in art class or a ceramic flower pot crafted in school? Sharing some of your children’s artwork and crafts done in school would brighten a grandparent’s day—and help keep your house from being overrun with school clutter.

4. Make a photo album. Have your kids put together mini-albums with photographs you’ve taken of them. They can write simple identifications or do a more elaborate scrapbook. This especially can aid a grandparent’s memory and provide another way for the two to connect during in-person visits.

What are some ways you help your kids stay connected with their grandparents?

Until next time,

Sarah

Food Fight!

Q: What should the general management of my 14-year-old daughter’s behavior toward food be? She is not overweight but this might become a problem area as she grows up. Right now, we monitor her food consumption by regularly directing her not to eat a particular food or how much of something she should consume.

It seems that if left to her own devices, our daughter would consume way too much junk food. Right now, she eats fine at meals prepared by us, but there is always an argument after dinner about dessert. Both of us eat very healthy and it’s difficult to see her choosing “bad” foods over good ones. Should we keep monitoring her intake or let her eat what she wants?

Image courtesy of Victor Habbick/
FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A: Food is not something parents should be debating or arguing with their children over. Reading between the lines of your question, I sense that you realize this and that’s why you’re wondering how or if to step back. With a young teen, you should be starting to withdrawal from the more hands-on approach of the elementary school years and transitioning into the mentoring approach of the teenage years. Here’s an approach to the food issue that will help move you more to the mentor side and yet still retain some input into your daughter’s food choices.

First, if she’s not already, have your daughter cook at least one evening meal a week. She should plan the menu and shop with you for the ingredients. You can set general guidelines (such as one meat dish and two vegetable sides) but be careful not to micromanage the process.

Second, your daughter should be expected to eat what’s served with no substitutions. If she doesn’t like something, she can either eat it or not. She won’t starve if she misses an occasional meal.

Third, you should only buy the kind of snacks that you wish her to eat, such as pretzels instead of potato chips. Simply tell your daughter that if she wants a particular snack, she needs to purchase it with her own money. At 14, she’s old enough to baby-sit or pet sit for neighbors, etc., for extra cash.

Fourth, resist the urge to lecture about food. Sure, you can have discussions about food, but don’t harangue her. Visit local farmer’s markets or area farms to talk about seasonal foods. Discuss ingredients and read articles together about food. Watch cooking shows together and talk about different techniques or menus. There is so much information about food these days that you can find common interest that will serve to connect you both in a positive way.

Finally, recall your own misspent youth when it comes to food. Haven’t we all made bad food choices as teens? I well remember Oreo binges that make me shudder today. Keep that in mind and go easy on her. She’ll likely outgrow this if you don’t dig in your heels too deep.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.

School Expectations Equals Happy/Unhappy Parenthood

With school now begun all over the country, parents are gearing up for another round of “My student must excel.” This goes beyond the desire all of us have to see our children do the best they can with the skills and abilities God has given them. Many parents are sure that if they just help their child to succeed in school (elementary to high school), their child will attend the right college and find the right job.

However, the “right” college degree that doesn’t guarantee the “right” job. Today’s sad truth is that more Millennials—the current generation of college graduates—are living at home with pricey college degrees without work entirely or without a job in their chosen field of study.

Image courtesy of digitalart/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In a Washington Post opinion piece published this summer, Robert J. Samuelson wrote about this newish phenomenon of graduates, but his focus was on how the parents of these Milliennials felt about having their sons and daughters boomeranging home after graduating from university. He wrote about how baffled these parents are, especially given that “as parents, our sense of self-worth depends heavily on the success and happiness of our children.”

The problem with that mindset, that our parental self-worth is closely tied to our children’s success and happiness, is that it doesn’t make anyone happy or successful. That sense that our self-worth as parents depends on the success of our children drives our parenting decisions of today. But what many parents miss is that tie-in makes it more about the parent than the child, more about appearances than about character, more about the superficial than the ever-lasting.

The expectations we place on children from kindergarten (my child must be reading before entering kindergarten or he’ll be behind!) to high school (my child must take advanced classes or she’ll not get into the college she wants to attend!) form the basis for our own parental happiness and our children’s success, or so we think. What I would posit is that we need to return to a time not so long ago when parents realized that school success—or lack of success—wasn’t a reflection of their parenting but a picture of how their children choose to use the gifts and abilities they have. Some kids will squander their talents while others will soar to the heights. Most will scamper along in the middle, which should be perfectly acceptable to us and to them as long as they are not sliding along but doing their best.

So let’s all scale back on our scholastic expectations for our children and become more relaxed about the beginning of the school year. By not acting like the world will collapse if our children are not at the top of their class or taking all the accelerated courses possible, all of us should enjoy the academic year a lot more—and possibly have more fun, too.

Until next time,

Sarah