Lights Out

Q: What time is appropriate for putting our 7-year-old to bed? Right now, she stays up until 9 p.m. most nights, and seems to be fine the next day. Besides, my husband doesn’t get home from work until close to 7 p.m. weekdays, so if she’s in bed earlier, he doesn’t get to spend as much time with her.

A: Your question encapsulates the problem most parents have with making child-rearing decisions. You’re thinking more about the relationship between the parent and child than the relationship between husband and wife.

The question shouldn’t be phrased as whether there’s some magical time that a 7-year-old should be in bed. The question is what time in the evening do you want to be kid-free so you can spend alone time with your spouse.

If you don’t hit the hay until 11 p.m., then having two hours of alone time with your husband after your daughter’s in bed at 9 p.m. would probably work. If, on the other hand, you only have an hour or less without a child around before bed, then move up the child’s bedtime.

The bedtime is not for the child’s sake—it’s for the parents to have time to remove their mother/father hats and put on their husband/wife hats. Therefore, it doesn’t matter if the said child is sleepy or not when bedtime rolls around.

I’d recommend moving up her bedtime to 8 p.m. at the latest. As long as the child stays in her room with the door closed and isn’t disturbing your peace by being too loud, etc., let her read in bed or listen to a book on CD while you reconnect with your husband. After all, you haven’t seen him all day, either.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

The Call of Outdoors

Some of my best childhood memories involve a drainage ditch that ran between two streets near my house. My BFF Robyn and I spent countless hours playing there, jumping from rock to rock, climbing the banks, following the little stream of water to its end in a bigger creek, finding treasures, and watching bugs. It was a child’s paradise.

When we weren’t playing in the ditch, we were riding our bikes, playing Ghosts in the Graveyard with the other neighborhood kids, jumping rope, climbing trees, or exploring the outdoor world. We all hit the screen door as soon as we’d finish our homework and didn’t come home again until the mothers started calling us for dinner.

Nowadays, it’s hard to find neighborhoods teeming with children playing outdoors. Organized sports, two-income homes, fear of stranger abductions, rise of a video game culture and concerns about neighborhood safety all play into the fact that kids spend less time outside than a generation ago.

In our house, we have decided that outdoors is best, weather dependent, of course. We kick our four kids out every chance we get to ride scooters, bikes, go to a local playground (yes, by themselves!), play in our yard, etc. On the first really warm day of spring, they celebrate by donning bathing suits and playing out front in the sprinkler.

If you need convincing that outdoors is best, pick up a copy of Richard Louv’s excellent book, Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature-Deficit Disorder. He writes in the first chapter that “nature inspires creativity in a child by demanding visualization and the full use of the senses.”

Louv makes a compelling case that being outdoors helps children stay fit, not just physically, but mentally, too. He also says that free play outdoors is more healthy for a child than organized sports. Children need more open spaces not dedicated to soccer fields but for self-directed play.

So the next nice day when the temperature hits 50, kick the kids outside for free play time. And join them for some fresh air yourself.

Until next time,

Sarah 

Is Quitting Okay?

Q: Our eight-year-old son started playing basketball with a local league, and he hates it. He’d been begging us to let him try, but once he started going to the practices and games, he has changed his mind. My husband says he should stick it out for the season, which ends in four more weeks, but I think he should be allowed to quit now.

A: My two girls had a similar experience a few years ago with ballet. They had been begging me to take dance classes, and so I finally gave in and signed them up with a local dance studio that allowed you to pay by the month. We got ballet and tap shoes, leotards with little skirts and off we went to class. It wasn’t easy for me, with two younger brothers to entertain while the girls were in class, but I was willing to make a go of it.

After a four weeks—and after I had paid for the next month—the girls began to drag their feet when I told them it was time for dance class. Finally, one of them told me they didn’t want to take anymore. Apparently, it wasn’t what they thought it would be (no twirling in front of mirrors, more repetitive steps). Since we had paid for the next four weeks, I made them finish the course, then let them drop dance.

That would be my recommendation for your son. Unless there’s another reason for his change of heart, if he has discovered he doesn’t like basketball, then let him finish the season and stop. This will teach him to finish what he started whenever possible, and also that sometimes what we want isn’t always what we really want. He thought he wanted to play basketball, but the reality turned out differently.

In the future, if he expresses interest in something new—a sport, musical instrument, etc.—have him try it for a few weeks first before committing to a full season. For example, he could take group lessons to learn the basics of an instrument (that you rent, not buy) before you find a one-on-one teacher. For a sport, maybe your husband could take him to a professional or semi-professional sports team practice to give your son a fuller idea of how hard it is to learn the rules and moves required.

This will encourage him to investigate his interests a bit more before committing to it, which will make his continuing with the sport more likely—and avoid having him hop from one thing to another.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Classical Child Rearing: Jane Austen On Parenting

The first in an occasional blog post on classic books that provide insights into parenting.

That Jane Austen has commented on parenting shouldn’t be too much of a surprise. After all, she’s famous for her skewering of society in novels like Pride and Prejudice and Persuasion. Austen never married—and therefore never had children—which might lead some to say she couldn’t have had anything to say about child rearing.

A closer view of her body of works would find that she has a lot to say about parenting. For example, in Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth Bennett tries in vain to convince her father to not let younger sister Lydia accompany the Forsters to Brighton, foreseeing some of the disaster that did happen.

Elizabeth went to Mr. Bennett in secret to beg him not to give his permission for the trip. His reply demonstrates that he knows his youngest daughter, but that he’s oblivious to the real danger: “‘Lydia will never be easy till she has exposed herself in some public place or other, and we can never expect her to do it with so little expense or inconvenience to her family as under the present circumstances.’”

Mr. Bennett reveals that his main concern is a quiet house: “We shall have no peace at Longbourn if Lydia does not go to Brighton.” His willingness to have peace at all costs—and to fob off to someone else the responsibility of a daughter whose behavior he himself had failed to check—shows that he has abdicated his role as head of the house when it comes to child rearing.

Throughout Pride and Prejudice, Austen shows a keen understanding of how parents ought not to act with her portrayal of the Bennetts. Mrs. Bennett’s desire to be popular with her daughters renders her an ineffective mentor in the girls’ teenage years. Mr. Bennett’s desire for peace and quiet makes him ineffectual as a guiding figure in their lives as well.

Austen also subtly points out that such parenting doesn’t necessarily produce flighty offspring. While the three younger Bennett girls lack manners and impulse control, the two elder (Jane and Elizabeth) turn out well despite their parents. Austen shows us in fiction form the truth that parenting does not produce the child. The child produces the child.

What can we as parents learn from Pride and Prejudice? Two things come to mind:

• To do the right thing as parents even when that is not popular with our kids.
• To not shrink from correcting our children when necessary, even when it disturbs our peace.

The next time you read or watch Pride and Prejudice, watch the parents—and learn from their mistakes.

Until next time,

Sarah

The Great Debate

Q: We have argumentative children. My kids argue with us about every decision we make. If we say the sun rises in the east, we’d get an argument. It’s really wearing us down. How do we stop this endless debate?

A: I hate to break it to you, but you don’t have argumentative kids. Hard to believe when the evidence is right before you? Here’s what I mean: Your children argue with you because you give them leeway to do so.

You say you don’t? I’ll bet instructions are given something like this: “John, a friend is coming over soon and we need to use the living room. Don’t you think you should pick up your toys so we have a place to sit down? No? Let’s do it together, okay?”

By phrasing instruction as a question, you invite pushback. And children pick up on that distinction right away. If you’re truly giving them an option between chocolate and vanilla ice cream, then a query is appropriate. If you want them to pick up their toys, then don’t phrase it like it’s optional.

In the above example, here’s what you should say instead: “John, please pick up the toys in the living room now. I’ll be back in five minutes to see that it’s done.” Then you walk away, ignoring any sounds or murmurs of protest from the child. If the toys are not picked up, you deal with the disobedience.

Much of what passes for instruction between parent and child consists of the parent trying to couch her commands in the softest possible way to avoid sounding like she’s in charge. That in turn gives the child leeway to refuse or argue about the rightness or wrongness of the request.

So stop being wishy-washy when it comes to instruction. Simply tell the kids in declarative statements what you want them to do. Unfortunately, human nature being what it is, you’ll never totally eliminate debates, but this will lower the number of arguments between parent and child considerably.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Letting Go

As mothers, we have a tendency to want things done our way. And let’s face it—most of the time, our way is the best way. But that doesn’t mean that other ways are not as good.

Speaking personally, that’s hard for me to swallow at times, this idea that my way might be the best way, but it’s not the only way something can be accomplished. From cleaning to cooking, from diapering to dressing, we mothers can be pretty imperial when it comes to modifications to our way of doing things.

Sometimes this spills over to our husbands, those wonderful men who want to shoulder the burden of raising our delightful children. Now men in general are a bit clueless when it comes to the niceties of life. They don’t generally notice that the ribbons in our daughter’s hair should match the socks, which match the jumper, which matches the shirt. No, there are some things that fall off the radar when it comes to men.

But that doesn’t mean their way of parenting isn’t a good way of doing things. You’d think we as women would be grateful to have help with the diapering and the washing and the feeding, but the way some of us act when our husbands do take a shift with the kids, you would think they were incapable nincompoops who shouldn’t be left alone with the wee ones.

I remember the first time my husband held our firstborn bundle of joy. Yes, he was awkward and terrified, but instead of adjusting his tenuous hold on her, I encouraged him. I bit my lip and smiled at the sight of her clothes on backwards and her diaper sagging after Daddy had dressed her. I kept on smiling when he fed the kids non-nutritionally balanced meals and kept them up past naptime or bedtime when he took them on outings without me.

Now, don’t think I was grinning and bearing it—no, I was learning to let go and let my husband, the father of our children, take the lead and do things his way. Yes, it wasn’t the way I would have done things, but the kids were always okay and having a fabulous time with Dad.

Rather than berate our husbands for not being us, let’s celebrate their different ways of doing things. The more we can encourage and let go, the more our husbands will step up to the plate and shoulder some of the responsibility of raising our children. 

So what if he lets them wear their church clothes to the ballpark or he forgets to put rain boots on the toddler? Exercise your sense of humor, and find laughter and love in the way he operates. Above all, simply enjoy your differences and relax.

Until next time,

Sarah

We Interrupt This Conversation

Q: My elementary school age kids are driving me crazy with their constant interruptions. If I’m on the phone, they’re asking me questions. If I’m talking to another adult, they tug at my sleeve and chatter away. I’ve tried talking to them about not interrupting, but it’s gotten nowhere.

A: Teaching kids to stay quiet when they’re bursting to say something can be challenging, but do not despair. Rehabilitation will take some time, but with persistence and consistency, you can tame the interruption monster.

First, look at your own example. Are you interrupting others, either in person or on the phone? The old adage about behavior speaking louder than words comes to play here: If your children see you interrupting your conversations, then they will likely do the same.

Second, have a plan for interruptions. What is your child going to do if she needs to tell you something but you’re talking with someone else? At the dinner table, we have instructed the kids to raise their hand when they have something to say when someone else is speaking. That has worked for the most part to cut down on talking over someone else.

We’ve also trained our children to come up to us and pause until we acknowledge them by asking, “Do you need something?” or a similar question. Other parents have the child stand a short distance away from them until parent can take a break from her conversation.

Third, hold training sessions. As with all manners, you must instruct the kids how to do this with role playing and repetition. Especially in the beginning, go over your expectations and have them show you what they’ll do if you’re on the phone or conversing in person. Making it fun and like a game will help reinforce the instruction.

Fourth, follow through with your plan. If a child comes up to you talking when you’re on the phone, practice ignoring him by moving to another room and closing the door. If he persists in following you, end your conversation and deliver consequences for the disobedience (and remember, interruptions are a form of disobedience). You have to be the one to enforce the no interruptions rule.

Ask people with whom you talk on a regular basis for assistance in reminding you about your new rule. My husband is good about telling me when I’m allowing the kids to interrupt our conversation.

Fifth, do periodic checkups. Once the kids get the hang of the rule, you might have to revisit it every so often to make sure of consistent compliance.

Remember that teaching new things like no interruptions takes time, and things might get worse before they get better, but your children can learn how not to interrupt. Your family, friends, teachers, neighbors and acquaintances will be very glad you took the time to do so.

Do you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog? Email Sarah through the contact page with Parenting Question in the subject line.

Effective Leadership Equals Effective Parenting

“The problem is that when a person in a leadership position attempts to establish a close relationship with the people he is leading, his effectiveness as a leader is canceled. Children need good leadership, at least until they have developed good impulse control.” –John Rosemond in Parent Babble

Many parents unfortunately have abandoned their leadership role in the home in lieu of having a relationship with their children. Effective leaders don’t have relationships with their employees; effective leaders realize that leading is what their workers need, not a friend or confidant.

Parents concerned with relationships tend to hesitate, waffle and avoid confrontations and discipline with their children, being more concerned with how their child will react to the instruction than how their child needs such correction. Parents concerned with relationships worry about their children liking them.

On the other hand, effective leaders make decisions based on the good of the company, not on whether their employees will like the decision. Effective leaders can take it when workers are upset with their policies. They know as leaders they have to make tough decisions that their workers won’t understand until they are in leadership positions themselves. Effective leaders do not waffle. They say what they mean and mean what they say.

For parents, being an effective leader means not being popular with your children; making hard decisions your children will not like or understand until they themselves are parents; and giving clear instructions without explanations.

For more on effective leadership, check out the January newsletter, “The Importance of Leadership.” You can sign up to receive this free, monthly e-newsletter on the Newsletter tab.

Until next time,

Sarah