Lights Out

Q: What time is appropriate for putting our 7-year-old to bed? Right now, she stays up until 9 p.m. most nights, and seems to be fine the next day. Besides, my husband doesn’t get home from work until close to 7 p.m. weekdays, so if she’s in bed earlier, he doesn’t get to spend as much time with her.

A: Your question encapsulates the problem most parents have with making child-rearing decisions. You’re thinking more about the relationship between the parent and child than the relationship between husband and wife.

The question shouldn’t be phrased as whether there’s some magical time that a 7-year-old should be in bed. The question is what time in the evening do you want to be kid-free so you can spend alone time with your spouse.

If you don’t hit the hay until 11 p.m., then having two hours of alone time with your husband after your daughter’s in bed at 9 p.m. would probably work. If, on the other hand, you only have an hour or less without a child around before bed, then move up the child’s bedtime.

The bedtime is not for the child’s sake—it’s for the parents to have time to remove their mother/father hats and put on their husband/wife hats. Therefore, it doesn’t matter if the said child is sleepy or not when bedtime rolls around.

I’d recommend moving up her bedtime to 8 p.m. at the latest. As long as the child stays in her room with the door closed and isn’t disturbing your peace by being too loud, etc., let her read in bed or listen to a book on CD while you reconnect with your husband. After all, you haven’t seen him all day, either.

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