Parental Resolution #1: I Will Parent With Open Hands

Each time the calendar turns over into a new year, we often celebrate by coming up with resolutions. On our lists might be health-related goals, job performance, personal improvement, etc.

This month, I want to challenge you to put four Parental Resolutions on your list. Each week in January, I’ll talk about one of the four major goals that should be on every parent’s list. For help in achieving these goals, I have two upcoming seminars: one in-person option if you’re in Northern Virginia and webinars for those farther away. Plus, you can now connect with me via video on Popexpert.com. Visit www.parentcoachnova.com and click on the Classes/Speaking tab for details.

Parental Resolution #1: I will parent with open hands.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Do you grab hold of your children or have a loose grip? I thought about this while watching an as-yet-unreleased Old Spice commercial that has gone viral. On the surface, the ad shows teenage sons spraying on Old Spice and leaving the house to meet up with girls. But then the Moms start singing about how the cologne has made their sons grow up too fast.

The creepy part is that these mothers stalk their sons at the beach, in the school cafeteria, in the car, and while watching TV, all the while singing their sorrow. Sure, “Mom Song” is a commercial—I get that—but the fact is many moms (and sons) are likely to identify with this sentiment, that the growing up of our children is not something to be celebrated but to be mourned. Instead of rejoicing that their little boys are branching out on their own, the commercial’s moms are bemoaning that fact. They want very desperately for their boys to once again be only dependent on them. It’s frankly a little creepy to see to what lengths these moms go to not let go.

Which is why Parental Resolution #1: I will parent with open hands should be on your New Year’s Resolution list. How can you accomplish this?  

• You become willing to let a child do what needs to be done to grow up—by himself.
• You practice stepping back, small steps in the beginning, but larger steps as the child ages.
• You sometimes push him to do things he’s capable of doing—even if he thinks he can’t—but you don’t do those things for him.
• You don’t jump in to solve every problem, but you let your child struggle with frustrations.
• You stop thinking more of your kid than you do of your spouse (or of yourself, if you’re a single parent).
• You encourage independence in all things—schoolwork (letting the child take ownership of his own homework without parental assistance), social life (letting the child make plans with friends without parental assistance), problem-solving (letting the child come up with solutions, no matter how long it takes, without parental assistance), etc.
• You refrain from smoothing the child’s path in life, allowing him to fail when he needs to fail in order for him to learn how to overcome and preserve on his own.
• You take a permanent break from being your child’s social director, allowing the child to entertain himself—or be bored by himself.
• You develop more interests (hobbies, volunteering, a new job, etc.) apart from your children, making your life seem interesting and exciting to them.
• You show more joy than sorrow when your child reaches a milestone, like his first lost tooth, making his own breakfast, washing his own clothes, getting his first job, etc.

Yes, these can be bittersweet moments as you reflect back on how much he’s grown, but rest assured that by parenting with open hands, by letting the child succeed and fail on his own, you will raise a much more well adjusted young man or young woman, one that you will be proud to call your son or daughter. And you won’t be singing songs of lament as they achieve another milestone in life—you will be behind them, giving them a gentle push out the door and into their life.

Until next time,

Sarah