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Springtime can be a lovely time of year, and it can also
bring out the imp in our children when it comes to school work. I’ve noticed in
my own family that school work can take a nosedive this time of year, what with
the gorgeous weather calling kids to play and ditch homework. But what do you
do when your child refuses to do her homework or school work correctly, despite
her capability?
Many times, the problem gets lost in a flurry of
explanations, generally along the lines that she’s too bright and the work is
boring. However, part of life is learning to do even the boring things to the
best of our ability because—and this is the cold, hard truth—we all have to do
boring things throughout our lives.
To the problem at hand, a child won’t change unless she’s
the one who is concerned about her school work. Here’s my radical solution that
should get a child to do the work she’s capable of doing in a manner acceptable
to her teacher.
Step 1: Meet with
her teacher (without the child present) to get her on board. Tell the teacher
that you fully expect your child to get the grades she deserves based on her
actual work, not her potential. Say that you are fully prepared to have her
repeat her current grade if her work does not radically improve in the next two
months. Be prepared for the teacher to suggest ways you and your spouse can
“help” your child with her work. Be firm by saying that if your child isn’t
able to complete the work on her own, then she shouldn’t advance to the next
grade.
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Step 2: Kick her
out of the garden for at least two months. That involves stripping her room of
everything except her bed and some clothes (but not her favorites). Tell her
that if her grades on all her school work, including tests, in-school work, and
homework, do not improve within two months, she will repeat her current grade
next year. Tell her that she will be totally responsible for turning in all her
work as her teacher wants (legible, neat, answered correctly, on time, etc.),
and that you will not ask her about her school work. Her school work is hers
alone.
Step 3: Well,
there’s not really a step three, except that you must be prepared for tantrums,
even worse papers coming home, and an “I don't care” attitude, from your child.
Things generally get worse before they get better.
If your child is as smart as she seems to be, then her work
will improve 100%. If she doesn't think you're serious, then she'll find out
that her current grade isn't as fun the second time around. And for those who
gasp at such a harsh “sentence” of repeating a grade, remember that it's always
better to address these things in elementary school instead of high school, and
the way she was going, things were not going to improve on their own. If she
can't do the school work in her current grade, then she's obviously not ready
to advance.
Until next time,
Sarah
Q: Our 11-year-old
son, in a fit of pique over missing a soccer kick, pushed a younger teammate (a
10-year-old girl). We plan on making him apologize to the girl’s father (and
coach) and have confined him to his room for a week without electronics. This
isn’t the first time his displeasure over a game or play not going his way has
manifested itself, but it is the first time he’s actually taken out his
frustration on a teammate. What should we do?
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A: First, he needs to sincerely apologize to the girl, not
just her father. Second, after his week of lockdown, he needs some lessons in
how to be a good sport. Spend some time practicing how he can respond when he
misses a soccer kick or his team loses a game. Literally walk him through the
scenarios, such as pretending to be on the winning team and having your son
congratulate you and shake your hand.
When he makes a mistake on the field, help him practice how
he will respond in a constructive way, such as only grimacing and then shaking
it off. He should even practice how to encourage a teammate who misses a play,
such as shouting, “No worries, you’ll get it next time!” or something like
that.
When his team wins, help him not to express too much
enthusiasm, i.e., trash talking the other team’s defeat, but to celebrate with
some restraint in order to show good sportsmanlike behavior. Playing any
sport—team or individual—requires learning how to handle the disappointments as
well as the victories.
Finally, impress upon him that any unsportsmanlike behavior
will result in being benched for the rest of the season, period, end of story.
You want to nip this behavior in the bud so that he will be a true team member
and not the kid no one wants to play with because of his behavior. If you run
through how he’s to behavior both on and off the field before games, he should
straighten up and play well. You want your son to be respectful and a good team
player, so take the time to each him how to do both. The rest is up to him.
Email Sarah if you have a parenting
question you would like to see answered on this blog.
“If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands.” Most
parents have probably heard their child sing that song, along with the
accompanying hand motions. It’s a hard song to sing or listen to without
smiling, given its up tempo beat and usually enthusiastic rendering by a child.
When hearing that song, I’ll bet some of us wish happiness was as easily gained
by silly lyrics and an infectious tune.
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But it’s not, is it? Happiness can sometimes be as elusive
as that fabled bluebird that brings joy to its hearers. When I read about how
parenting doesn’t make us happy, I wonder if we’re asking the right question.
Since when does anything make us
happy? Can our spouses make us happy?
Can our children make us happy? Can
the perfect job make us happy? Can
the right haircut make us happy?
The Declaration of Independence wisely doesn’t promise us
happiness, but rather strove to provide a nation in which the pursuit of
happiness wouldn’t be restricted by onerous laws and curtailment of freedom. This
idea that we have to be happy all the time—and if we’re not, then we need to
change what we’re doing or who we’re with—is a modern invention. If you asked
people a half century ago about their personal happiness, most would have
scoffed at such an idea. That’s not to say people weren’t happy; they just
weren’t as obsessed with whether or not they were happy as we are today.
How does that translate into parenthood? Quite simply, if we
focus too much attention on being happy, we will teach our children that feeling
happy is more important than being cheerful when doing our chores. We will show
by our actions that personal happiness is more important than the happiness of
our family as a whole. In short, we will raise kids who place more value on a transient
feeling rather than a intrinsic character trait.
Talking about, worrying about, trying to grab our own
happiness rather than finding contentment in whatever the situation will likely
make us more unhappy than joyful. The constant stress on happiness will erode any
sense of joy in the little things of life, any peace in our circumstances and
any chance of obtaining long-term enjoyment of our families.
We need to teach our children that true peace and joy comes
not from a feeling of happiness but from a contentment with life. That doesn’t
mean we eschew finding solutions to problems or ignore obvious troubles that we
should address. It does mean that we work on helping our kids see that
happiness is more than clapping our hands along to a catchy tune—it’s as varied
as the colors of the rainbow. True happiness comes from true satisfaction with
who we are deep down inside. That’s something that’s worth pursuing.
Until next time,
Sarah
Maybe you were that child, the one who couldn’t seem to make
friends easily, or who always said the wrong thing in a group. Maybe you have
that child, the one who seems to always be at the fringe but never included
fully in the gang, the one who makes social mistakes that are painful to watch.
As parents, we want our children to succeed, to be liked, to
have friends and confidants, to have soaring academic and social lives. But the
reality is, most of our children will stumble socially, will miss vital cues,
will have friends betray them and will sometimes be the ones who hurt someone
else.
Before we jump in and try to fix the problem, we should stop
to consider what is our role in all of this. Is it to continue arranging play
dates long past preschool? Is it to initiate parties or gatherings at our home?
Or do we step back and let our children lead the way, even if there’s no
leading forthcoming from our offspring?
It’s hard to know the right thing to do when it comes to our
children finding their way in friendships and society, but here are a few
guidelines that will help us not overstep too much into their world.
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Push, but back off. Children
do need a gentle nudge in the right direction, a reminder that they should pick
up the phone and call a friend sometimes rather than waiting for someone to
call them. But after making suggestions from time to time, we also need to wait
and let our child figure out what’s best for him. He might spend some lonely
time because he didn’t want to call, but then again, he might discover his
inner social butterfly and take off into the social stratosphere. You won’t
know this—and he won’t, either—unless you give him the space to figure it out.
Listen, then suggest.
It’s hard sometimes to just hear what our kids are saying, and it’s doubly hard
when you can see a solution to their problem. Yet, there are times to suggest
how they can change things and times to listen—this is especially true when it
comes to friend troubles. Learn to listen first, then make a suggestion.
Sometimes, it’s best to ask leading questions so that the child will come to a
solution on her own.
Empathize but don’t
dramatize. It’s all too easy to get caught up in the drama of the incident,
especially related to friendships. But while we need to let our children know
we feel their pain, we also don’t want to feed the drama machine and turn
encounters into bigger mountains than warranted. In other words, be empathetic
without overly encouraging complaining. It’s not healthy for a child to dwell
too long on an incident, either, so help him move on if he gets stuck on
repeating it over and over again.
Overall, we need to remember that we can’t be our children’s
social directors and we can’t make friends for them. Some of our children will
be very popular with other kids at various times in their lives, while others
will muddle through with only a handful of friends. Our main concern is helping
our children be friend material by honing the characteristics that make a good
friend: helpful, honest, loyal, steadfast, empathetic. Also reminding our
children to reach out to others who might not be perceived as great friend
material—the loners, the outcasts, the “others.” Being a friend to the popular
student is easy; being a friend to the newcomer is harder.
As parents, our goal shouldn’t be to help our kids become
popular, to have lots of friends, to fit in with the “right” crowd. Rather, we
should focus instead on helping our children be a friend to those who need one,
to show kindness even in the face of derision, to stand up for the weak. That
might not get them elected to student council or homecoming court, but it will
develop their character into men and women of integrity.
Until next time,
Sarah
There’s the mom who is never absent from any activity or
party for her child’s class. The dad who never misses a soccer game or
practice. The mother who volunteers so much at her child’s school that she
knows every teacher by name.
When I was a kid, my mom came to a few school-related
events, but not every one, despite her not having an outside job. My parents
sat in the stands for only a handful of home basketball games during my
three-year tenure on the high school team. Most other kids I knew had parents
who showed up at some, but definitely far from all, sports games, school events
and class parties.
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I’m probably going to step on some toes when I say that was
a good thing—for both the parents and the children. Did I really need my mother
there at every single thing I did? No, and frankly, I didn’t want her there all
the time. Did I need her there some of the time? Yes, and for the big ones,
like school plays, she attended to cheer me on (but not every performance!). Most
of my friends felt the same way. It was actually nice to come home to tell my
mom about the basket I made at a game she didn’t see, or how the class party
went with which she didn’t help.
We’ve become parents who think if we miss any event, no matter
how small, related to our children that we must be a Bad Mother or Terrible
Father. But I posit that it’s healthier when you give your kids some space to
experience those things on their own. It helps children formulate their own
identities separate from their parents—and also gives them the chance to form
their own narrative of the event in question. If Mom attended the party, she
knows what happened—and Junior can’t leave out potentially embarrassing facts.
For parents, not showing up at every activity possible helps
us separate our lives from our children’s—and assists with the growing up
process. We should have lives outside of our children, and at times, that
outside life must take precedence over a child’s event or game.
So I encourage you to not automatically say yes to attending
all activities, but pick some that you enjoy and leave others for your children
to enjoy solo. I think you’ll find a happier medium when both of you learn to
give the other more breathing room.
Until next time,
Sarah
Today, the assistant principal at my children's elementary school called to tell me that one of my children had been involved in a lunch room incident, one that involved spitting and a plastic knife "attack." It's never pleasant to hear that your child has done something that merits lunch detention and a call to you, but I must admit to not being totally surprised, either. After all, children--even relatively good kids--can, on any given day, do something bad, sometimes more than once a day (or more than once an hour).
What I don't want to do is overreact in either direction on the scale--totally believing that my child was wrongly accused or totally believing that my child is destined for the Big House when he or she grows up. We're taking a middle ground approach--that these types of things happen sometimes, that we support the school in its consequences for both children involved, and that we reinforce at home that the child needs to learn how to walk away from similar incidents.
How can you keep your cool and still parent effectively in similar situations? Here are some thoughts on what you should--and shouldn't--do.
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Stay calm. When hearing about our child's involvement with misbehavior, our initial reaction is to grill the teller. But it would be better for all concerned if we just listened first as calmly as possible.
Believe the adult. We have become a nation of parents who automatically take our children's word over that of an adult, such as teachers, principals, coaches, etc. Half a century ago, parents knew that their children would--and could--lie, that their precious little ones would shade the truth so that they came out smelling like roses. We need to believe that the adult in question is telling us the truth, no matter how hard it is to hear about our child and his behavior.
Focus on facts, not whys. Kids misbehave for a variety of reasons, many of which make no sense to us as adults. We often spend more time trying to ferret out the whys of misbehavior rather than keeping our eyes on the facts of what happened. The whys don't negate the facts, and, frankly, understanding why our child did what she did won't make us better equipped to handle future problems.
Reinforce school discipline. It used to be that when a child received consequences at school for something that happened there, he also got punished at home. Today, we are uncomfortable with that double-whammy approach. What we're missing is the opportunity to make an impression on our children that such behavior will cause discomfort at school AND at home. Firing both barrels, so to speak, should help our kids think twice before engaging in similar behavior at school--and at home.
Talk about the incident. Finally, after the dust has settled, chat with your child about what she could have done differently in the situation to avoid getting into trouble. Help her think through thing she do in the future, such as count to 10 when she feels herself getting angry, walking away from the situation, or alerting a teacher to a small problem before it becomes a bigger one. Don't lecture overmuch, but enlist the child in the discussion, allowing her to provide solutions and guiding her on how to pick a good one for the next time.
Above all, remember that your children will likely provide ample opportunities for you to put these ideas into practice.
Until next time,
Sarah
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