Is There Such a Thing As Too Much Attending?

There’s the mom who is never absent from any activity or party for her child’s class. The dad who never misses a soccer game or practice. The mother who volunteers so much at her child’s school that she knows every teacher by name.

When I was a kid, my mom came to a few school-related events, but not every one, despite her not having an outside job. My parents sat in the stands for only a handful of home basketball games during my three-year tenure on the high school team. Most other kids I knew had parents who showed up at some, but definitely far from all, sports games, school events and class parties.

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I’m probably going to step on some toes when I say that was a good thing—for both the parents and the children. Did I really need my mother there at every single thing I did? No, and frankly, I didn’t want her there all the time. Did I need her there some of the time? Yes, and for the big ones, like school plays, she attended to cheer me on (but not every performance!). Most of my friends felt the same way. It was actually nice to come home to tell my mom about the basket I made at a game she didn’t see, or how the class party went with which she didn’t help.

We’ve become parents who think if we miss any event, no matter how small, related to our children that we must be a Bad Mother or Terrible Father. But I posit that it’s healthier when you give your kids some space to experience those things on their own. It helps children formulate their own identities separate from their parents—and also gives them the chance to form their own narrative of the event in question. If Mom attended the party, she knows what happened—and Junior can’t leave out potentially embarrassing facts.

For parents, not showing up at every activity possible helps us separate our lives from our children’s—and assists with the growing up process. We should have lives outside of our children, and at times, that outside life must take precedence over a child’s event or game.

So I encourage you to not automatically say yes to attending all activities, but pick some that you enjoy and leave others for your children to enjoy solo. I think you’ll find a happier medium when both of you learn to give the other more breathing room.

Until next time,

Sarah