In the Principal's Office

Today, the assistant principal at my children's elementary school called to tell me that one of my children had been involved in a lunch room incident, one that involved spitting and a plastic knife "attack." It's never pleasant to hear that your child has done something that merits lunch detention and a call to you, but I must admit to not being totally surprised, either. After all, children--even relatively good kids--can, on any given day, do something bad, sometimes more than once a day (or more than once an hour).

What I don't want to do is overreact in either direction on the scale--totally believing that my child was wrongly accused or totally believing that my child is destined for the Big House when he or she grows up. We're taking a middle ground approach--that these types of things happen sometimes, that we support the school in its consequences for both children involved, and that we reinforce at home that the child needs to learn how to walk away from similar incidents. 

How can you keep your cool and still parent effectively in similar situations? Here are some thoughts on what you should--and shouldn't--do.

Image courtesy of  puttsk/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Stay calm. When hearing about our child's involvement with misbehavior, our initial reaction is to grill the teller. But it would be better for all concerned if we just listened first as calmly as possible. 

Believe the adult. We have become a nation of parents who automatically take our children's word over that of an adult, such as teachers, principals, coaches, etc. Half a century ago, parents knew that their children would--and could--lie, that their precious little ones would shade the truth so that they came out smelling like roses. We need to believe that the adult in question is telling us the truth, no matter how hard it is to hear about our child and his behavior.

Focus on facts, not whys. Kids misbehave for a variety of reasons, many of which make no sense to us as adults. We often spend more time trying to ferret out the whys of misbehavior rather than keeping our eyes on the facts of what happened. The whys don't negate the facts, and, frankly, understanding why our child did what she did won't make us better equipped to handle future problems.

Reinforce school discipline. It used to be that when a child received consequences at school for something that happened there, he also got punished at home. Today, we are uncomfortable with that double-whammy approach. What we're missing is the opportunity to make an impression on our children that such behavior will cause discomfort at school AND at home. Firing both barrels, so to speak, should help our kids think twice before engaging in similar behavior at school--and at home.

Talk about the incident. Finally, after the dust has settled, chat with your child about what she could have done differently in the situation to avoid getting into trouble. Help her think through thing she do in the future, such as count to 10 when she feels herself getting angry, walking away from the situation, or alerting a teacher to a small problem before it becomes a bigger one. Don't lecture overmuch, but enlist the child in the discussion, allowing her to provide solutions and guiding her on how to pick a good one for the next time.

Above all, remember that your children will likely provide ample opportunities for you to put these ideas into practice.

Until next time,

Sarah