A Teen Struggles to Fit In

Q: My 15-year-old son (eighth grade) has been struggling with acceptance into a social group that doesn’t exactly embrace his presence. Although he talks to them at school, that doesn’t translate into social inclusion. Several times, he has invited this kids to our house to hang out, etc., and they come but it ends in disappointment on his part. Now he wants to issue another invitation—this after he has expressed his concern that the group doesn’t like him. I’m torn between agreeing to host the event and telling him to cut ties with this group. It’s been hard to watch his attempts at inclusion over the past two years. Should I keep enabling him by allowing him to invite these kids over, even though past experience tells him it won’t help?

A: Your son is still trying to figure out where he fits in, which isn’t at all unusual for an eighth grader. Even the

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so-called popular teens have periods where they question their place in a group, so this is pretty typical stuff.

That said, you should stop trying to micro-manage your son’s social life. Yes, I know, its hard to step back when you see him making mistakes, but those are his mistakes to make. As long as he’s not endangering himself or others, you should take a backseat role in his social life. Frankly, you might not be seeing all the nuances that flow in a group of teens—what you perceive as painful might not be that for your son.

The fact that he's willing to keep trying—and that he wants to do so on familiar ground—is a good thing. Support that, keep an eye on things, but leave the group to themselves. You can ask your son about the event after the fact, questions like, “What went well last night?” and “What do you think you could have done differently?” Mostly, though, even though it does hurt for us to see our kids floundering, especially in the social arena, we need to be available for a listening ear, give support (such as hosting events) when asked, and step back the rest of the time.

At this stage in his life, you need to be firmly in the mentoring chair, leaving him to make decisions and live with the consequences (again, as long as he’s not doing anything illegal or could result in loss of life or limb). For more on how to mentor your teen, read John Rosemond’s excellent book, Teen Proofing.

Email Sarah if you have a parenting question you would like to see answered on this blog.