Breaking a Habit

Q: My six-year-old daughter won’t stop licking her arm. She has done this since she was little! I have told her to stop and asked why she licks her arm. I have tried taking away her favorite stuffed animal and blankie but it still continues. She now has a sore on her arm from the licking. Is this normal and what can we do to make her stop?

A: You can’t make her stop, but you can help her not do it as much. Kids are weird, and often do strange things, like pull their hair out, lick their arms, and rub themselves in places we'd rather them not even know about at her age. Most of the time, ignoring the habit will let it run its course and the child stops on her own.

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However, you’ve bought into the modern notion that if a child does something strange, there must be a reason—thus the questions and conversations about licking, the attempts on your part to “make” her stop, and the worry and fretting you’ve done on your own because of her bad habit. I’m sorry to say that you’re part of the problem, and you’ve contributed the lion’s share of making a mountain out of a mole hill. After all this, you've learned that you cannot get your daughter to stop, right? She’s kept on and probably longer than she would have if you had simply not gotten involved.

But you can provide guidance to help her stop. First, perhaps right before bed or first thing in the morning, tell her that you’ve noticed she’s been licking her arm a lot, and that you’ve decided she can lick her arm to her heart’s content in her very own licking room (a powder room or some equally boring place away from everyone in the house). Whenever she wants to lick her arm, she’s to go to that special room. If she forgets, you’ll remind her by saying, “Remember your special licking room!”

Second, make that the last conversation about her licking or not licking. From now on, you’ve got nothing to say about her licking or questions to ask her about her licking. If she says her arm is sore, simply shrug and say, “I’m sorry to hear that” and walk away. This is not engaging her in conversation about licking is key—you have to starve the licking monster before it will fade away on its own.

If you stick to the plan, she should have her licking under control within a few weeks. She might not completely give up her habit, as you can’t make someone else stop something. At the very least, you won’t have to see her licking and your reaction won’t fuel the licking fire.

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