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A recent Forbes article stated that we are in the "age of Fear-Based
parenting. It is the next generation of ‘Helicopter Parenting,’ which started
in affluent households where an overscheduled, vigorously supervised child
infers a certain status in competitive communities but has become all too
common place."
As parents, we've allowed our fears to control our parenting
decisions. If you're wondering if you parent out of fear instead of peace, do
you...
1. Walk with your 9 year old to a play date in a home that's
six houses away?
2. Drive your elementary-age student to the bus stop?
3. Only allow your children to play in your backyard under
your supervision?
4. Refuse to leave your young teens home alone for any
length of time?
If you answered "yes" to those questions, then you
are parenting out of fear. Fear colors every situation with the worst possible
outcome, making walking to the bus stop a block from home seem akin to
navigating a mine-field in a war-torn country.
Fear also inhibits our children from growing up, as we limit
their experience and curtail their mobility around our neighborhoods and
cities. If we allow ourselves to parent from fear, we will raise kids who are
afraid of their own shadow, who think they can’t do anything on their own, who
will more than likely fail to launch successfully into adulthood.
If you find yourself wrestling with fear as a parent, say
the following to yourself.
Today’s world is just
as safe as it was when I was a child. Crime statistics back this up!
My child can handle
the task. Your child is more capable than you give him credit, so let him
step up to the plate and see what he can do on his own.
I refuse to be part
of the fear-based parenting culture. Stand up and be the voice of reason. Let
your children walk to the bus stop alone. Send them to the park around the
block by themselves. Show other parents that there’s nothing to be afraid of.
I encourage you to stop listening to the news and scaredy-cats
out there howling about how dangerous the world is. Instead, train your
children to recognize real danger, give them parameters, and then let them go.
How do you overcome your fearful tendencies as a parent?
Until next time,
Sarah
In the business world, motivation has been a hot topic of late, and companies are spending a lot of time and money on figuring out how to motivate their employees to work better and smarter, and how to motivate their clients or customers to spend more and support the business more.
All this motivation talk has filtered down to families, with parents now concerned with how to motivate their children to do well in school, to do chores around the house, to practice an instrument or sport, etc. Many times, moms and dads think that motivation has to do with rewards--the proverbial dangling carrot--and so offer a lot of quid pro quo scenarios, as in:
If you clean your room, we'll go get ice cream.
If you get an A on your science test, I'll give you $20.
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But what that type of motivating will quickly stall because of the Saturation Principle, which basically says each child reaches a certain point with a reward system in which the reward is no longer enough to motivate the child to a particular behavior. In other words, $20 for an A on a science test might work for the first one or two tests, but then the child will need a bigger incentive to do the same thing $20 previously "bought." Or a clean room would soon need a triple fudge sundae as reward when a plain vanilla cone used to be enough.
What the rewards-based motivation parent fails to realize is that a child needs to learn to do something for that something's own sake, not for the carrot dangled in front of him. The old maxim A job well done is its own reward has a lot of truth in it, one that should be taught to children and should be lived out in our lives as adults.
The fact is, there are many jobs and tasks that we have to do because they need doing--housecleaning, cooking, shopping for groceries, etc.--most of those are pretty non-glamorous and rather boring for many of us. If we teach our children that any work must be rewarded as a way to motivate them to complete the task, then how will they learn to find the inner will to do things as adults when there is no longer an enticing carrot being offered for cleaning their room?
As I tell my kids, do the job, task, homework sheet, test, etc., to the best of your ability with a cheerful heart. Sure, sometimes there will be a special treat after a particular thing has been accomplished. We did celebrate with ice cream when the end-of-the-year testing was completed at school, for example. But most of the time, we expect our children to do well without an outside reward, and sometimes, they surprise us with how well they do the task at hand (sometimes, we're not surprised when the job has to be redone because of haste!).
Use rewards as motivation sparingly, and you'll be helping your children to find their own inner motivation.
Until next time,
Sarah
Grandma was right! There is an
easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are
choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that
used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the
20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment
expressed in the phrases.
I well remember “The Look” my mother would give when one of
us was not behaving ourselves as we should. It’s hard to describe, but once you
saw it, you knew trouble would follow unless you straightened up.
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Have you cultivated such a look? I think that many of
today’s parents can’t summon such a look anymore than their children would obey
it. A few reasons why come to mind.
First, many of
today’s parents are too busy trying to keep up with everything to notice when a
child’s behavior is about to veer into misbehaving territory. That’s really
what The Look is all about—assessing the near-danger and correcting it.
Second, many
parents have chucked such old fashioned parenting skills as The Look in favor
of more kid-friendly, warm-and-fuzzy methods that often involve more concern
about a child’s feelings than is good for the child. To them, The Look belongs
in a museum along with other parental advice relicts discussed in my Parenting
Basics blogs.
Third, many
parents haven’t laid the proper foundation of saying what they mean and meaning
what they say, so having a Look won’t do them any good—the children simply
wouldn’t obey anyway.
But from personal experience, having The Look comes in handy
in so many ways. It allows you to not interrupt your conversation with grownups
to address a potential dustup with your child. Just shoot Joy The Look when
she’s about to start turning cartwheels in the middle of the living room, and
nine times out of 10, you’ve nipped misbehavior in the bud.
The Look gives you another “weapon” in your parenting
arsenal. (I use “weapon” tongue in cheek!) I’ve found The Look to be an
effective means of body checking a child when words probably wouldn’t be as
effective.
The Look also provides a child with the means to correct his
behavior before it edges into consequence territory. It’s actually more
compassionate to develop The Look because of its ability to curb misbehavior in
its infancy. The Look also eliminates the need for speech, thus cutting down on
others overhearing your admonishments.
I encourage you to develop your own Look. One cautionary
note: The Look only works when your children know that you will follow up with
appropriate discipline if it’s not heeded. Otherwise, it will only become a
funny face Mom makes.
Until next time,
Sarah
From the day our eldest arrived in this world, I’ve slowly
come to realize I was out of synch with the majority of today’s mothers. It
took a few years, but now I’m okay with that. What do I mean by this?
I’m not the Mom who carries around a first aid kit in her
purse (although I do have one in the car now). Instead, I was the Mom who
arrived at a free, local children’s performance with three kids in tow, one of
which had fallen and scraped her knee at the entrance to the building. While I had
things under control—it was a little scrap with a tiny bit of blood—and my
daughter was calming down, literally three other moms offered Band-Aids (in
cartoon characters, naturally!), to me for my daughter.
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I’m not the Mom who plays with her children every day, or
even every week. Sure, we do things together, and we have family game time once
a week. But I don’t feel any compulsion to play with my kids on a regular
basis. (See my article, “ Playing
With Your Children Can Be More Than Fun and Games” for more on this topic.)
I’m not the Mom who feels guilty for saying to a child, “Go
away, you’re bothering me.” I know that kids need to entertain themselves, and
that it’s okay for them to realize that I have my own duties and chores to
attend.
I’m not the Mom whose whole world revolves around my
children. Don’t get me wrong—I love my children!—but I also love my husband.
And I enjoy my hobbies and outside interests, too.
I’m not the Mom who wants to be overly involved in my
child’s schooling. That’s their calling to be good, diligent students. It’s not
mine to oversee their homework, to remind them of project deadlines, or to
bring forgotten items to school.
I’m not the Mom who cares overmuch what others think of my
parenting. I’m more focused on how my parenting is impacting my children—not
whether other parents think of my methods or philosophy.
I’m not the Mom who focuses on the short term. I’m more
concerned with what my child will be at age 30 than whether or not he’ll make
the traveling soccer team. I nip behavior in the bud to avoid dealing with a
bigger problem down the road.
I’m not the Mom who takes children way to seriously. Raising
kids should be taken seriously, but kids themselves? Nah, they’re way to silly
and illogical to be taken with more than a grain of salt.
What kind of Mom are you?
Until next time,
Sarah
“Are witches real?” asked my six-year-old from his car seat
recently while we were running errands. My response led to a series of
questions that lasted several long minutes before I gently said I wasn’t going
to answer any other questions for now.
Have you given yourself the freedom to tell your children no
more questions or that you weren’t going to talk to them for a bit? Most
parents today think that it’s their obligation to answer every question and respond
to each comment their child utters. We’re encouraged from all fronts to pay
close attention to what our children say and to always, always, always reply to
their queries.
The underlying premise behind this is to feed and nurture a
child’s natural curiosity with the world around him, especially at a young age.
But answering—often in great detail—every question asked of you by your child
isn’t the best thing for him. Nor is engaging in conversation with your child
each time he wants to talk to you.
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Why should you curtail your interaction with your child
sometimes? I’ll give you four sound reasons.
1. Because your child shouldn’t monopolize all
conversations. By answering each question your child makes, you are
essentially giving control of many conversations to him, thus putting the child
in the center of the family’s communications. He shouldn’t be allowed to speak
and have everyone drop what they’re doing to listen—that’s a recipe for raising
a brat.
2. Because your child
doesn’t always need to know the answer from you. Yes, you want to impart
knowledge about why cats meow or birds sing, but really, do you need to right
now? Can’t he wait until school to learn the phases of the moon? Less you think
this sounds harsh, I think there are some things in life that a child should
ponder, should wonder about. Having you be his personal Google eliminates the
element of surprise and figuring out things for himself.
3. Because you have
other things to do. It’s okay that you need to use your brain to think
about something other than why grass is green—and a child should realize that
just because he wants an instant answer, sometimes he has to wait. When I need
to think about the errands we’re running or tonight’s dinner or a tricky
problem I’m working out, I have no problem putting a halt to the questions. Your
time isn’t their time—it’s yours. More parents need to realize that they can
reclaim time for themselves.
4. Because it’s not
all about the child. Again, this points to the fact that parents are so
terrified of doing the wrong thing—that not responding will cause the child to
never ask another question—that they overcompensate by paying too much
attention to the child. Naturally, all that attention makes the child think
it’s all about him.
Strike a good balance between encouraging curiosity and
helping children develop patience and the ability to figure things out on their
own. I often point my older kids to a set of Encyclopedias when they have
questions about how things work or where a certain city is located. Sure, I
might know the answer, but that’s for me to know, and for them to find out.
Until next time,
Sarah
Many of today's parents had childhoods where they spent loads of time outdoors--in local parks, riding bikes around the neighborhood and to the nearby convenience store, in the front and back yards of friends--all without much adult supervision. I well remember hitting the screen door and bursting into the outside, racing down the street to see which friends were available for play and then not coming home until moms began to call us back for lunch. Afternoons and evenings after supper were spent much the same way. The only rules my mom imposed where not to go inside someone's house and to let her know if we left the neighborhood. Otherwise, I played in the ditch with friends (sounds strange, but it was a wonderful mini-eco system with water running through it, very fun stuff as a kid!), rode bikes all over the place, and generally had a lovely time.
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That's the kind of world I want my children to grow up in--a world to be explored, not feared. A world that has its moderate dangers (there is more traffic in our neighborhood than my parents') but still a world that's welcoming more than scary. And crime statistics back this up, with the U.S. Department of Justice reporting that of the 800,000 children reported "missing" in this country annually, only 115 are the result of strange abductions. Around 90% of abductees are back home within a day, with the vast majority being teenage runaways. That stranger abduction number hasn't increased in recent years, either.
In other words, America today is as safe a place for our kids to roam around as it was when today's parents were children. What's changed is the perception of that safety. Now, I'm more concerned with what other parents will do if they see my children out by themselves. I've had neighbors call me to let me know my kids were walking to the library by themselves (to which I always thank them for their concern and watching out for my kids; I'd much rather they call me than the police!). I've had friends report unknown moms following their children home to "ensure they arrived safely from the bus stop up the block."
Now there comes this story about a mother arrested for letting her 9-year-old daughter play in a local park alone, armed with a cell phone and in a populated place, while she worked at McDonald's. Another mother noticed the girl at the park two days in a row and asked her where her mother was. The answer sent this mom calling the police, who came and took the girl into child protective services and jailed the mom.
This is the type of over-reaction that's so typical of parents today, especially mothers, who see boogeymen behind every tree and danger around every corner. These mothers so want to protect their children, that they hover over them, direct their play, keep them indoors or supervise their play way too closely outdoors.
That's the risk I run every time I shoo my kids outside to play by themselves--that some well-meaning but misguided mom will freak out and, instead of simply keeping an eye on the kids, call the cops. I don't worry about cuts or broken limbs from falls or skids; I worry about other parents making a poor judgment call about my children's safety.
Maybe one day, the pendulum will swing back in the direction of commonsense and our kids will be left to play in peace. Until that day, I will still send out my children into the big, wide world without my direct supervision and hope that others will not see danger where none is found.
Until next time,
Sarah
Many parents today have expressed, by their words and
actions, their deep desire to have a child who disobeys. After all, such a
child is a joy and credit to any parent! If you have want your child to become
disobedient, then follow these tried-and-true methods. When you do, little
Johnny or darling Suzie will be the most disobedient children you’ve ever seen.
First, don’t mean
what you say. If you tell a child once to do something, and he doesn’t do
it, then repeat yourself until you give up. This way, you will seem like you
are being a good parent but really teach your children not to heed your words.
Second, ignore
wrongdoing. If you see your children hit another child, run around in a
restaurant or other misbehaviors, simply turn the other way and pretend you see
nothing. This teaches your children that they can get away with anything. So
let them run wild in a restaurant or climb over the “do not pass” rope in the
museum. The more you turn your back on childish misbehavior, the more
disobedient your child will become.
Third, be
inconsistent with discipline. Instead of nipping misbehavior when you see
the first inkling, you let it slide until you can’t take it any longer. Then
yell at the kids and the whole cycle begins anew.
Fourth, feel guilty
about hurting their feelings. Whenever your parenting decisions triggers
tears and pleas, reverse yourself immediately. This way, you’ll make sure your
child will know that you can be convinced to change your mind. That’s key to a
helping your child become a disobedient one.
I’m sure you can probably think of more ways to help your
child be disobedient, but these will put you on the right path. Of course, if
you want an obedient child, simply flip these suggestions 180 degrees and
follow those precepts.
Until next time,
Sarah
Grandma was right! There is an
easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are
choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that
used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the
20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment
expressed in the phrases.
More and more, parents are forgetting that their homes are,
well, theirs. They are allowing children to dictate what state the child’s room
can be kept and how much time said child spends in that room alone. Especially
in the teen years, parents seem to be at a loss on how to respond to blatant
disregard to curfew and other house rules.
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Used to be, Mom and Dad calmly and collectively informed
wayward children that they were living in their house and therefore must follow
their rules, no ifs, ands or buts about it. Parents should be the ones to establish authority in
the home, not the children. This means the home revolves around the parents,
not the children.
Nowadays, parents are flummoxed by children who say they can
keep their room how they want because its theirs, by kids who want to drive
completely how the family operates and by teens who say parents can have no say
in their personal lives. But parents of another generation knew that having a
parent/marriage centered house was best for children, and that meant following
the “My house, my rules” expression.
“My house, my rules” doesn’t lord over children a parent’s
authority, rather it puts the child’s desires and wants into their proper
perspective. Let’s tackle one of the most prominent problems that crop up in
households that don’t adopt this adage: who “owns” the child’s bedroom.
A child doesn’t pay the rent or mortgage. A child doesn’t
buy groceries or the majority of things he needs (clothes, shoes, school
supplies, etc.). Therefore, a child isn’t entitled to “own” his bedroom. We as
parents graciously allow our children to occupy rooms in our home. But that
doesn’t mean our children can do as they wish with their possessions in a room
that we, technically, own.
Especially during the teen years, parents seem unable to
counter arguments that posit a teen has sole possession of said room, and
therefore can keep it as slovenly as he wants. Or that a teen can slink into
his room and stay there hidden from the family and a parent has no right to
enter the inner sanctum.
Au contraire! We have every right to expect our children to
keep their rooms cleaned to our satisfaction and to allow us entrance into
their rooms on any given day or hour. That’s not to say we don’t allow them
privacy, but there’s a vast difference between privacy and antisocial behavior.
We also have every right to expect our children to adhere to
our curfew conditions. As our teens age, we should be giving them more and more
leeway in setting their own curfews—as long as they come in when they say they
will. That means, if an older teen, who has proven herself faithful in meeting
your curfews, should be able to say, “Mom, I’d like my curfew for Friday to be
1 a.m.” You could certainly grant her that privilege, with the understanding
that if she comes in at 1:01 a.m., she’s
broken her own imposed curfew and that consequences will be levied as a result.
(For more on curfews, read John Rosemond’s excellent Teen Proofing.)
That’s two examples for how “My House, My Rules” works in a
family. How does it work in yours?
Until next time,
Sarah
In our family, we love the Fourth of July. Our city has a
wonderful parade, that our American Heritage Girls troop participates in each
year (this year, we have a float!). We are proud to be Americans, enjoying so
many freedoms in this wonderful country of ours.
Patriotism has become less than desirable these days in some
circles, especially in non-military adults. For example, in a recent Washington
Post travel article, the author talked about going back to Colonial
Williamsburg, and how he felt uncomfortable with all the blatant patriotism on
display (even though he admitted to loving the place as a child).
How we honor our country and celebrate our Independence
says a lot to our children about how they should treat the United
States of America. If we pooh-pooh
patriotism, our children will wonder why they should honor the flag. If we
don’t make an effort to talk about our country’s history (the good and the
bad), our children will grow up without a firm foundation in what it means to
be an American. If we neglect to remind them—and ourselves—of the huge
sacrifices our military men and women have made over the years for our freedom
and the freedom of others around the world, our children will more easily take
fore granted their own freedoms.
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Here are some tips on how to celebrate July Fourth all
year-round.
Fly the flag. Yes,
some people have the flag as a permanent
part of their outside décor, but keeping the flag for special days tells
a different story, that the flag is part of how we honor our country. Flag
flying days include June 14 (flag day), Memorial Day, July 4, and Veterans Day.
Make sure you treat the flag respectfully and follow the U.S. Flag Code.
Honor veterans.
Go beyond a simple, “Thank you for your service” to a military member in
uniform. Make an effort to spend time with veterans and active service members.
Stop by an American Legion post, get to know a local military family, and lay
wreaths at Christmas as part of Wreaths Across America. Greet an Honor Flight
of veterans or a Homecoming Flight of active duty service members.
Talk positively about
America. Yes, there are things that need
fixing in our country, but overall, we have enjoyed tremendous freedoms. Pepper
your conversation with what’s great about America
to balance the discussion.
Encourage immigrants to
become citizens. In our melting pot world, we have many opportunities to
encounter immigrants. Often, these are our neighbors, our fellow churchgoers, and
our children’s school friends. I well remember how excited our previous
neighbors—originally from the Kurdish region of Iraq—were
to receive their citizenship. We rejoiced with them in becoming Americans at
last.
These are just a few ways we can honor our country. What are
some ways your family celebrates the Fourth of July?
Until next time,
Sarah
Grandma was right! There is an
easy way and a hard way to raise kids. By and large, today’s parents are
choosing the hard way. This series of blogs will tackle familiar phrases that
used to be commonplace but fell out of favor during the last few decades of the
20th century—and why parents should not be afraid to follow the sentiment
expressed in the phrases.
“I’m only going to say this once.” How many of us actually
follow this stellar piece of advice? In my personal experience, not many. At
the park, I’ve watched parents tell a child, “It’s time to go” multiple times,
their voices growing increasingly shrill and strident with each repetition.
We’ve come to expect that children can’t hear as well as they
used to when parents of previous generations said it once and that was enough.
Somehow, kids today have collectively developed “listener’s ear,” in which they
will only listen when they want to, not when Mom or Dad speaks. We read
articles and books about how we need to relate to children on their own level
so that they will want to hear what we have to say.
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But the fact of the matter is parents today endlessly repeat
instructions because their children haven’t been properly trained to listen—and
obey—them. Kids must be taught how to listen to instructions the first time.
And the secret to that is so simple, you’re going to wonder why you didn’t
think of it yourself.
The secret to kids listening the first time is to only say
it once. It’s really that simple. Oh, wait, I can hear your question, “What
about when they don’t listen and do what’s being asked once?”
That’s when you levy consequences. When my kids don’t listen
the first time, it’s rare that I repeat myself (hey, I’m only human!). I’ve
been consistent with discipline when they fail to heed my words and that means “I’m
only going to say this once” works in our house—and it can in yours, too.
So stop sounding like a broken record (or iPod stuck on
repeat?), and start saying something once, then keeping your mouth shut. Follow
through with appropriate consequences, and you’ll find your kids suddenly
develop good listening skills and you are no longer repeating yourself all the
time.
Until next time,
Sarah
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