Breathing Room

Over the next several Tuesdays, I’m giving readers a sneak peak chapter-by-chapter at what’s inside my new book, Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, which is available now, with permission of Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City.

Ever notice that being trapped inside for several days because of weather or sickness can unleash the worst behavior from our children? While the family that plays together does indeed develop a deeper relationship with each other, too much togetherness can breed undesirable behaviors. Time away from other siblings can provide a much needed respite and can prevent tensions from reaching the boiling point and exploding into conflict.

Just as we parents need to ensure we spend time together as a family, so we should encourage time apart. Everyone, from Mom and Dad on down to the youngest child, needs alone time—the trick is finding the right balance to avoid both smothering (too much togetherness) and becoming antisocial (too much time alone).

It’s important to talk with our children about why time alone is good for everyone, and that it shouldn’t always be viewed as a punishment. We all feel so busy these days, overwhelmed by our lengthy and never-ending to-do lists. Busyness has become a status symbol as we’re always rushing around from one task to another, on the job twenty-four/seven. We fill our lives with constant motion and tasks to be accomplished. Even Christians fall into the trap of over-scheduling, over-doing and over-committing our time and resources. Our children are not any different, with overpacked schedules and constant motion, leaving little time for the business of being a kid.

Alone time has two components: knowing when to separate and having a place to go to be by oneself. Therefore, to accomplishing the perfect ratio of togetherness and separateness, parents should first figure out when a separation is necessary. Part of this step is training offspring to recognize their personal warning signs so that they can remove themselves from a potentially explosive situation. Second, parents need to help children find private space in the home for alone time. Coupled with privacy is assisting their children to have their own identity within the family unit, another form of separating.

Read more about both how to know when a volcano might erupt and how to create space for the essential cool-down period in Ending Sibling Rivalry: Moving Your Kids From War to Peace, available now on Amazon.com, CBD.com and Beacon Hill Press.